Minktales
by Bra1n1ac
Summary: The severely underused Animaniacs character of Minerva Mink must face many things in her life.  The stares and reactions of all the males she passes by, the constant wild takes and rushes to do her favors, and of course, that pesky Newt.
1. Issue 1: Some Don't Like it Hot

Minktales

Issue 1

"Some Don't Like it Hot"

In the midst of summer, the sun beat down relentlessly, the animals were close to fainting in the woods, which themselves seemed about ready to wilt under the hot summer sun, but no one could have boasted more misery over the heat than a certain white mink with long, golden tresses and a tail to match, mostly because in all the forest, there wasn't a single soul quite so talented at boasting as Minerva Mink.

Of course, at the time, it was too hot to boast, particularly inside her log house. Despite the ventilation her stylishly-clad windows offered, it did next to nothing for the comfort factor.

Where another day, Minerva might happily dance, purchase some new item to decorate the home or her clothes closets, or sing a lovely tune, on that day, it was simply too hot. Even the birds had held off on the singing, although no number of degrees Fahrenheit could save the male animals of the forest from the rush of heat to their faces, the moment they saw her leave her house. The sight of that gorgeous mink, even at her worst; hot, disheveled, and dripping wet with a combination of pond water and sweat, sent any male animals, regardless of species or age, into fits, but on that day, no animals took off like rockets, transformed into anything unnatural, or hit themselves with large hammers. It was too hot. One lizard's tongue fell from its mouth, forming into a large pile at its feet, that needed to be gathered later, while a bird blushed so hard its beak fell off, and its wife was too hot to punish it. Finally, the eyes of a frog expanded to several dozen times their already-enormous size, weighing down the lily pad it was sitting on, which actually helped it to cool off a bit.

Panting hard with every torturous step, Minerva managed to half-crawl to the pond's edge and drag herself in, having not bothered to take off her bathing suit all day. It was, after all, the fourth dip she'd taken on that day alone, and the good it was doing was only marginal.

Still, while she was in the water, she at least had the energy to speak again.

"Oh, if only there were an easier way to escape this awful heat; some wonderful, refreshing thing to cool me off on a day like today. Fur as amazing as mine has to be taken care of. This is cruel and harsh treatment."

Meanwhile, in the bushes near the pond, the bloodhound named Newt, whose duty it was to capture minks for his master, heard her pleas and snickered to himself.

"This is it." he thought, "The chance to ensnare that sneaky mink once and for all. I just need to bait my trap with something cold and watch from a distance, so she can't mesmerize me with that unnatural charm of hers."

Moving quickly, Newt set up and baited his mink trap, placing the small cage with the drop-down lid right between the pond and Minerva's house, where she wouldn't miss it. Indeed, as Minerva stepped carefully and reluctantly from the water moments later, she couldn't help but spy the cage with the small dish of ice cream inside, but the look in her eyes was far from enthusiastic over the discovery.

"No rest for the heated, I guess." she muttered to herself, making a show of looking into the cage.

"Oh, too bad." she muttered in as soft a coo as she could manage, "Ice cream is so bad for you. I was really in such a lemonade mood. Well, I guess I'll have to go make some..."

At that moment, however, Newt couldn't stand it, and leapt from the bushes, his eyes practically on fire with the poorly-disguised look of a dog enamored.

"No, no!" he screamed, "Don't go away! Lemonade it is!"

Minerva felt like chuckling, despite the heat, as Newt fled with the speed and noise of a race car to the nearest store, purchased basic ingredients, mixed them together and was back within seconds, holding the glass of lemonade out for the wonderful mink who, despite her discomfort, smiled as she looked him directly in the eyes.

"Oh, thank you." she cooed, taking the glass from his hand and tickling him delicately with her tail, as she returned to her house and closed the door. The bloodhound literally melted at that moment, and unfortunately for him, just enough of him wound up in the cage that the door closed on his tail. By the time he was solid again, his poor, stuck tail was in terrible pain, and for several minutes, he could be seen from outside Minerva's living room window as he ran back and forth, barking and howling, trying desperately to get unstuck, while Minerva calmly sipped her lemonade.

After only a short time, however, she turned away from the window, and her expression became a more sarcastic one.

"Well, it's hot." she said, "He probably would have melted either way."

* * *

After finishing her lemonade, which was surprisingly good, Minerva was feeling hot again, and took a shower, or rather, she was about to take a shower, but the water wouldn't go on.

"Darn." she muttered, "I'll have to call a plumber now."

Meanwhile, outside, Newt snickered, putting away the wrench he'd used to disconnect the water lines to her log house. Without running water, it would only be a matter of time before she left the house for another dip in the pond, and he had a plan all lined up, consisting of a mink-net, well hidden under her doormat, that would rise up and trap her the moment she stepped on it. Chuckling over his brilliant plan, Newt listened as Minerva called the plumber, who probably wouldn't be there for hours.

"She'll have to leave the house before he gets here." he thought with a mischievous grin, before he began to realize that he himself was feeling very thirsty.

"Must have been all that running." he realized, "Plus, this terrible heat. Well, at least I came prepared."

Quickly, Newt pulled a bottle of spring water from its place inside his fur, and held it up to drink it, when he felt it snatched from his hand.

"Oh, Roland Rivers! My favorite!" exclaimed Minerva, leaning out of the window overlooking Newt's position next to the house. Swiftly, she took a big drink from the bottle, and put it on the counter next to her, then reached out the window again, embracing Newt in a big hug.

"That was so thoughtful of you!" she exclaimed, "You heard my water was broken and came by with this just for me, didn't you? Thank you so much!"

A moment later, Minerva let go, and Newt could feel himself starting to crumble to pieces as the flood of intense emotional attraction overwhelmed him. Regardless of the heat, and the fact that he was still very thirsty, the hug had been too much! Newt's heart extended outward from the rest of his chest several feet, making sounds like a bass drum as his eyes transformed into heart-shaped pink shapes, and a cascade of chalky valentine hearts flew from his mouth, to land on the ground. Then, with a rush of passionate semi-dialogue ("Babybabyyesyesyes! You're wel-ohwow! Gottayes!" You get the idea), he rushed to the front door and opened both arms wide...

"He had to run away, I suppose." Minerva muttered to herself as she stood directly underneath Newt, who was suspended just above her door frame in his own mink net, "He's gotta be a very busy guy; probably already anticipating my next need. Well, he'll come back sometime, I guess." She looked back and forth a few times before slamming the door shut, which resulted in the door's top smacking Newt in the face on the way back.

* * *

The clear, refreshing water had been just what Minerva had needed, both for her throat and for her fur, but she knew she had to come up with a better way to stay cool in the hot summer days to come, because there would certainly be more.

"I don't think my coat's natural, flowing shape would survive another day like this." she thought aloud, "Why, I might even start getting split ends."

Newt, having gotten free of his mink net by that time, was listening in on her again, as she talked to herself, and had another brilliant idea. Swiftly pulling out a piece of paper and colored pencil, he began drawing and chuckling to himself as he muttered "Yes. This is it! This way, I can get that Mink, and she can't do a thing about it!"

Before long, Newt was finished, and reaching into her window, put the drawing on her counter, then stifled more chuckles as the sun started to go down.

"Huh? What's this?" he heard Minerva ask from inside the house, as she picked up the picture he'd drawn, "'World's strongest air conditioners; cool your whole home in just seconds.' Oh, wow! This is just what I need. Now, what was that number?"

Newt allowed himself another chuckle as he pulled out his phone, listening to Minerva dial.

"Don't worry." Minerva whispered as she dialed, "I know who it really is."

"Hello?" Newt replied into his cell as Minerva finished dialing, doing his best impression of an elderly woman, "Rapid Air Conditioners. Would you like one of our super-strong air conditioners?"

"Oh, yes, please." Minerva replied with a wink, "It's still much too hot."

"Okay." Newt replied in his faux-elderly receptionist voice, "We'll have one sent over right away. Thank you."

Chuckling again, Newt pulled out his newest invention; the super freezer.

"With this in her window, she'll be frozen solid in seconds." he boasted to himself as he crammed the bulky machine into the window.

"Oh!" he heard her say in surprise from inside, "That really WAS rapid. Everyone aught to respond to stunningly beautiful minks that fast. Wonder where that plumber is. Come to think of it..."

Suddenly, from inside, there was a loud sound of rattling and spraying, as if a machine were being jostled, and in moments, Newt could hear Minerva's footsteps, first inside the house, then... outside?

"Oh, there you are!" Minerva exclaimed, "You were so nice, giving me those refreshments earlier. I thought I should let you know I just got some excellent air conditioning, so if you want, you can come in for a few minutes to... uh-oh."

"Oh! I must have left my keys inside." Minerva seemed to realize in disappointment, "Would you mind climbing in the window and..."

Newt's eyes, however, had grown to ten times their previous size, and his tongue had been lying on the ground as she came closer and closer, but as soon as she made even half of her request, Newt lost control completely.

"Yes!" Newt exclaimed "Yesyesyes! Sure!"

With that, Newt yanked the super freezer out of the window, and was immediately hit by a cloud of freezing chemicals, and frozen solid as the super-freezer fell to the ground and shattered to pieces.

"Geek." Minerva muttered as she pulled her keys from her pocket, and opened her front door, stepping back into her house, which was no longer freezing.

"Still, an air conditioner isn't a bad idea." Minerva thought aloud as she brushed leftover frost from her couch, "But where's that plumber, I wonder?"

"Uh, somebody call for a plumber?" came a voice from the front door that Minerva had left open. Turning to find the owner of the voice, Minerva spoke in irritation at first...

"Well, it's about time you got hee-eee-eehaWOW!"

The plumber standing before her was a tall, muscular bobcat with long, broad features and well-styled hair. The cooler air of Minerva's house at last made it possible for her to react to such an enticing sight.

First Minerva's legs flew into the air and spun like propeller blades, rocketing her up to the ceiling, from which she descended like a feather towards the plumber, who spread his arms to keep from catching her in irritation. Then, she was up again, in several new forms. First a train whistle, then a fog horn, then a tuba, then finally, a stick of dynamite. At last, the dust cleared from the explosion, leaving a singed Minerva sprawled out on the floor.

"... So..." the plumber muttered, as if bored by the whole display "Need a pipe fixed or something?"

"Oh, BABY!" Minerva exclaimed, springing up, and charging at the handsome plumber, "Could you fix things for me!"

Minerva charged ecstatically to the door, but the plumber stepped back, leading Minerva to trip at the exit, falling flat on her face.

"Geek." Muttered the plumber from some distance away, as he turned to leave.

"Ow..." Minerva muttered as she lay in the dirt, "I wonder if I could freeze myself until he changes his mind."

The End.

* * *

Well, if you've read this far, you probably won't mind hearing a little about why I wrote this. I think on some level, I always loved Minerva Mink, and thought she was severely underused (although Saturday morning wasn't the ideal time slot for her, I admit. Maybe seven PM would've been better,) but I never really realized WHY until volume three of animaniacs came out and I rediscovered the second of her two Minkcentric cartoons. The wild takes are all so symbolic of the emotion she projects on every man who gazes upon her, regardless of species, and not only is that a style of humor that has NEVER been done in the same way before or since, but it rekindles a childhood fantasy I once had that love could overpower grief and rage. Now, I know it can't, but when I watch her cartoons, and when I write stuff like this, I can seriously begin to pretend it can, which feels really good.

This is why I wrote this story. I plan on having a second issue for Minktales, although it won't be as funny. It may even come across as dark to some, but after that, I'll probably write even more about this lovely Mink, probably more in the vein of this story here. We'll see what comes. I tend to write whenever I need an emotional pick-me-up, and this whole story was done in three hours one night because I was depressed, so you CAN expect to see more.

-Believing in the power of love.-

-Bra1n1ac-


	2. Issue 2: The Salad Ballad

Minktales

Issue 2

"The Salad Ballad"

Adventures start in many ways. Some center on finding hidden treasures, some around defeating ruthless villains. Others are started to save people from danger. Whatever the reason, any time a man or woman is pushed to the breaking point, their reserves destroyed and they themselves nearly conquered, but eventually claiming victory, it can be called nothing else but an adventure.

One such tale is the story of George Leibowitz; the man who was victorious. He didn't save people's lives, or find a hidden treasure, or defeat a terrifying villain. No, he did something much harder; something that caused his coworkers to put a picture of him on the walls of his place of work to honor his accomplishment. He sold a salad.

Now, before you start chuckling over that, listen to this story and maybe, just maybe, you'll be impressed with him too.

You see, George was working at a fast food restaurant named the Golden Ring. It was a fairly well-known sort of place, part of a large and famous chain, but it was the only restaurant of its type that ever had to deal with one customer in particular. Indeed, a special camera had been installed by the entrance, solely to detect the specific size, shape and color of her car; a bright red convertible, and sound the pink alert whenever she came too close to the restaurant.

"Pink alert! Pink alert!" screamed the manager in a frantic tone, "Jim, Louis, George, go to the back! Hurry! Melissa and Pam, you need to man the counter, then signal us when it's safe to come out."

The 'back' that he referred to was a sealed, soundproof room, and all of the men and boys working there were being asked to go there, as many of the male customers present knew what was about to happen, and either ran for the exits, or waited impatiently in their seats with smiles on their faces. That was typical of a pink alert.

The burners and heaters were all shut off at once; something only done during alerts or when closing up shop. It was a precedent set in motion when one burner had torched a quarter of the building due to its minder (usually a very reliable man) becoming distracted and clumsy as he used it during a previous pink alert. That time, there were to be no mistakes. Every man at the Golden Ring would be cloistered in the back until the alert was over.

George, however, frowned, his pride and his anger rising as he watched the others panic.

"Sir," George said to the manager, his freckles close to burning with irritation, "I'd like your permission to brave it just once."

"Permission denied. Get in back with everyone else." His manager snapped.

"Sir, I've been training; practicing for this sort of thing. I know I'm ready." George replied, not giving up.

For a moment, the manager looked George right in the eyes. George had only been with them a couple of months. Many of the others still thought of him as a rookie, but inside those eyes, the manager could see the boy's indomitable spirit and will, and he knew that nothing natural could conquer it.

"Don't be weird." the manager replied, "No one's ready. There is no 'being ready' for this. You have no idea what you're getting yourself int..."

"Sir, I have to do this." George replied, more adamantly than before, "I need to know if the training's been enough."

For a moment more, the manager looked George in the eye, but at last replied, "Against my better judgment, George, I'm letting you man the register during a pink alert, but you don't get to blame me for what you're about to face. It's all on your head, got it?"

George nodded sternly, not daring a smile as he took up his position at the register. His manager, hiding in the back room with the other two boys, muttered as he closed the door, "Heaven help that poor, poor rookie."

* * *

George had done as much to prepare for the impending crisis as could be done. He'd seen such a crisis take place before, and he knew what it was like to watch it on video tape. He'd seen pictures of the one he was about to face, and played out the scenario in his mind hundreds... no, thousands of times. He'd meditated in private for the purpose of learning to snuff out all emotions that might get in the way of his one, singular goal, and those many hours of training had brought him pride in himself, to know that he was working towards overcoming something that no man before him had ever overcome.

However, as the front doors of the Golden Ring swung open, and she walked in, each footstep a precise three-quarters of a second in length, hours and hours of George's training seemed to be evaporating from his mind, as if her very presence was draining him dry of his resistances, bit by bit, chipping away at his reserves... at his methods. Minerva Mink had come to town, and she was coming towards him.

"Excuse me." the beautiful, cartoon mink said as she walked right up to the counter, and stood less than three feet from George, her long, gold-colored tail swishing on the floor behind her, as she brushed aside a lock of perfect, golden hair, that had somehow fallen in between her eyes, "I'd like to get a salad with ranch, please."

She did the whole thing so casually, and so methodically, that inside his soul, George screamed for her to hurry and finish, but he dared not even breathe a word of it, lest she sense the weakness in him, and draw things out for her amusement because of that weakness. Already, the male customers had begun to gape, grin, and stare, mouths and eyes wide open. One or two had even begun to shout aloud, their emotions held captive completely by the stunning vision before them. George blocked them out, but he couldn't block out her. He needed to give her the salad.

George heard a clunk as the salad that Minerva had ordered landed in the tray behind him, and he tried to distract himself from the radiant sight before him by making a mental note to thank Melissa for responding so quickly. It only partially worked.

Grabbing the salad quickly, and dropping it on the counter was the easy part. Then, however, he actually had to speak, and how could he, with her wearing down his defenses with every moment she stood there? Already, George could feel that the many role-plays he'd gone through for that kind of situation had vanished as if they'd never even existed. Practicing self-control in the face of a mental image, or a moving picture was one thing, but to actually have her there in front of him was quite another. Her very presence seemed to exude a force that was chipping away at the stiffness he'd built up around his heart.

Tired of waiting for him to speak, however, Minerva had taken the salad from the counter and shot George a warm smile, that wiped several hours worth of meditation from his memories.

"Thanks. What do I owe you?" she asked slowly, looking carefully into his eyes, which had already begun to swell.

George desperately fought down the urge to scream "your hand" and a hundred other such rapid responses, as he carefully picked out one that sounded right.

"A... I can't... A dollar five, I thin... uh..."

Minerva giggled as he stuttered, draining away another several hours of meditation, then handed him the money. As she did so, her fur brushed his skin, and a month's worth of careful planning, and self-control training went down the tubes as he fumbled, trying to find the right drawers to put the money in.

"Thank you." she said slowly in a soft coo, trying to look him directly in the eyes as she did so. In another minute, she was headed for the doorway, muttering "Hmmm... I don't know where the plastic forks are. Would someone please get one for me?"

As George watched, nearly every man in the restaurant dove for the disposable utensil racks, until Minerva had to pick one fork at random from a lineup of over a dozen. The man whose fork she'd picked fainted dead away, and most of the others stuffed the forks in their pockets, continuing to follow Minerva with their eyes and in many cases, their words, which by that point, had degenerated into helpless drivel, or words smushed together too close to make any sense.

However, as soon as Minerva touched the doorway out, something seemed to occur to her, and she turned back to face George, who was flushed and sweating, his eyes the size of dinner plates, his mouth open so wide, that one could see the back of his throat, and the last of his hard-earned reserves gone.

"Are you feeling alright?" the gorgeous mink asked him tentatively, but he was too far gone. He couldn't respond to her. Giving him one last grin, she finally pushed the door open, and strode slowly out to her car, pursued by a few of the men from inside the restaurant, who only stopped their pursuit when she drove away.

The moment that Minerva was out of sight, George fell to the floor of the restaurant, hyperventilating. He couldn't keep it up any longer. His reserves were spent, his training was gone, and it would all need to be regained the hard way, and he couldn't even summon the strength to stand up anymore. With that last grin, his heart had finally melted, for the first time since he'd first learned of the unfairness of the world as a little boy. Even when Melissa turned off the pink alert, and his manager stood over him, he couldn't bring himself to rise.

"You okay, George?" his manager asked, bending down to listen to the weak reply, which was all he could give.

"You... you were... right, Sir. No man can be ready for that."

However, the manager shook his head and replied, "No, you were more ready than any man I've ever seen, and you did a great job. A great job. There's never been any man or boy who could stand up to her like that. If you want to take the rest of the evening off, you can go ahead. You more than earned it. You'll be a local hero from now on. The boy who sold a salad."

In fact, that's just what George became, and if anything, the experience did him some good. Not long after that, he found himself far more able to express and experience feelings of love and kindness than he had been in ages, as if his encounter with the Mink, and the breaking of the barriers around his soul really had loosed some kind of pent-up tender side he'd been afraid to express before.

For the first time since he was a child, George had experienced an emotion stronger than disappointment, bitterness, anger, resentment, sadness, and everything else combined. It was something that ran roughshod over all the other feelings and even conscious thoughts that he had or had ever had, and after that, his reputation for compassion, even to those he didn't know, became the talk of the town. It was the result of his revelation on the experience; the overriding strength of love. He couldn't deny love anymore.

Of course, George's reputation for self-control was far MORE widespread, and people from the farthest corners of town came to the Golden Ring after that, just to meet the man of osmium will who'd withstood Minerva.

Still, a month and a half after that, the dreaded alarm went off again, and George, who by that point, was the manager, shouted to the others working in the Golden Ring; "Pink alert! Pink alert! Gregory, Ralph, Charlie, go to the back! Hurry! Pat and Selina, you need to man the counter, then signal us when it's safe to come out!"

The End

* * *

Well, now you see what I meant by dark. Losing control can be a scary thing, but when you're in love, you may start to wonder if control was really all that great. The dream of an overwhelmingly powerful, good emotion sweeping away everything else and radiating from someone or something outside myself has been one I'd thought lost for nineteen years, and to be honest, it's odd that Minerva should be the one to remind me of it, because I don't honestly find her kind of conventional beauty to be terribly attractive. Maybe it's the way she acts, or talks...


	3. Issue 3: Dips in the Pond

Minktales

Issue 3

"Dips in the Pond"

Whistling was heard from the squirrels, joyous shrieking from the birds, and singing from the frogs as the afternoon wore on, and any creature native to that area of the world knew what that meant. Minerva Mink was outside, and had just finished her latest dip in the local pond.

Minerva took the sounds of the local animals as flattery, although she knew that in truth, it wasn't something they could help. It was, she decided, sometimes complicated when one was too beautiful for words.

As the young mink grabbed a towel that she'd hung on a nearby tree branch and got out of the pond, however, she noticed that something was missing.

"My ring!" she exclaimed, "My extremely fashionable, diamond, ruby and sapphire ring! Where did it go? Oh, this is awful!"

However, just at that moment, she looked at her feet to see a frog depositing her ring on the ground with its mouth, then puckering up.

"Yuck." Minerva said, taking the ring, and running back into her house with the towel wrapped around her, leaving the frog looking somewhat crestfallen.

However, in moments, Minerva had forgotten the frog completely and was well into a song she'd written herself.

"It's not pretty being me! Just try it and you'll see! It isn't all you think to be a gorgeous mink! La la la dee dee!"

After a few more moments of looking into her vanity mirror, however, Minerva knew she couldn't beat her problem down anymore. She knew just why it wasn't easy being her, and it had to be expressed.

"If only a handsome, rich prince would come down out of the mountains and sweep me away to some far off, enormous, and stylishly-decorated castle." she mused, "Why, I'd do just about anything to make that happen. If only..."

Then, however, Minerva's eyes fell upon a book labeled "Fairy tales for people who want to hear about handsome, rich princes" which was on the third bookshelf from the bottom. It had been a long time since she'd read it, so she pulled it out of the bookshelf and carefully ran over it with a feather duster before opening it to a random page, and finding that the first words her eyes hit upon read...

"...There was the frog, holding the young maiden's lost, golden ball in its mouth. The maiden, to show gratitude to the generous frog, kissed it upon its wet, slimy lips, and in moments, the frog melted away to reveal a handsome prince."

At once, Minerva gasped in shock and dismay as she put two and two together, threw the book onto her couch, and rushed outside, yelling "Frog! Frog, are you still there?"

If the frog was nearby, however, it failed to respond, but Minerva wasn't going to give up just like that.

"Fine, then." she said, "I'll just try again. There are lots of frogs in the swamp. All I need is one."

"The problem is, the book said I needed a ball to lose..." Minerva continued to think silently, not really wanting to risk her ring on such a venture, so she ran back into the house, and in minutes, came back with a well-polished marble in one hand, then knelt down by the swamp and dropped it in.

"Frog!" she said, "I've lost my little ball! Come get it for me, and I'll kiss you right on the lips!"

It was at that point that Newt, the bloodhound whose job it is to catch minks, realized what Minerva was up to, and devised a cunning plan. Grabbing a nearby reed to use as a snorkel, he dove into the water and pulled a frog-puppet out of his fur. It was the sort of thing that one found to be useful in a pond-side area, while trying to catch an elusive, and very alluring mink, and Newt knew what he had to do with it. All he needed to do was use the puppet to give her her marble back, and then, while she was kissing the puppet, catch her in a net! If he hadn't been underwater, and unable to speak aloud, he would have boasted about how ingenious his plan was.

Newt's puppet crept further along the bottom of the pond, searching for the marble, until he saw it, only a few yards away. Just then, however, he heard Minerva shout "Come on, frog! Didn't you want a kiss?"

Then, just as Newt's puppet took hold of the marble, and Newt was about to lift it up to the surface, he heard a loud noise, like a heard of buffalo on the rampage, and turned around, just in time to see hundreds of frogs trample painfully all over him on their route to the shore, each carrying something round and hard, though in some cases, they were only pebbles, beads, or tiny balls of two-year-old white bread.

"No, this isn't right." Minerva contemplated, placing her left forefinger on her lower lip in thought, as the five hundred or so male frogs, sixteen toads, and one man in scuba gear lined up with their round objects, "It has to be the ball I lost. I wonder if I'm doing it wrong."

In just a moment, Minerva went back into her house, leaving behind some very disappointed amphibians, and a battered bloodhound named Newt at the lake's bottom.

* * *

A few minutes later, Minerva was back again, but that time, she had a ball bearing, about an inch thick. She was hoping her real ball would be found that time. If nothing else, it glittered brightly in the sun, so it wouldn't be hard to notice which one was hers.

"Oh, I've lost my ball again." the mink cooed in faux disappointment, "I hope some hunky prince in the form of a frog will come along and give it back to me."

That time, however, Newt was ready, having surrounding himself in a miniature submarine, with a separate net apparatus attached to the outside. Just to be safe, he'd painted the whole thing green, so as not to draw too much attention, as he moved toward the mink's position, to activate his net, which would grab her, and pull her into the mini-sub the moment he activated it.

Newt smiled as he pressed the button, but just as the net was stretching out, there was a disturbance closer to shore, and once again, hundreds of frogs had leapt up on land, all fighting over the ball bearing that Minerva had dropped into the lake. However, it was too late to stop the net, which snared the frogs, and pulled them all into Newt's sub. Newt swallowed hard as the frog near one end of the net, sporting very big biceps for a frog, and a large tattoo of an anchor tore the net open, and for the next several minutes, Newt was in great pain.

* * *

"Alright." Minerva said to herself as she finished fastening a billiards eight ball (the last ball she had that wouldn't float in water) onto the end of a fishing rod, "This one has got to work, or no prince today."

Hurriedly, she cast the rod out towards the middle of the pond, and waited for something to grab the end of the line.

However, unbeknownst to her, Newt was baiting his own line, hidden in the bushes on the other side of the pond, and through careful aiming, and tugging in various directions, he managed to snag his fishing line on hers. Then he hooked his line up to a small motor, and started reeling it in, placing the net in the water.

"But this net" he said with a smile, "will catch a mink, not a fish. Any moment now. Any moment."

However, as moment after moment went by, no mink appeared. Instead, the first thing that Newt reeled in was the eight ball, and the line just kept going and going, though it did seemed to be snagged on something.

"How long can this line be?" Newt asked, taking the ball, and tossing it up and down impatiently, "She should have been here by now."

"Who should?" came a voice from behind him, and at once, Newt turned around to see the lovely Minerva Mink standing before him, not the least bit wet.

Newt couldn't say a word. He was mesmerized by her. However, Minerva had no problem speaking to him.

"You found my ball! Well, you're no frog, and you're certainly not a handsome, rich prince, but I guess you do deserve some... reward."

As Minerva said this, she leaned forward to take the ball, and Newt was trembled inside and out, his tongue hanging out of his mouth for three feet and his whole body ready to turn into a rocket at any moment.

"Close your eyes." the mink half-whispered, which he happily did, as she leaned forward, puckering up.

"Okay." she said, heading back towards her house "All yours."

As Newt stood there, with his eyes closed, the line he'd been reeling in came to an end, and a fish about the size of a truck peeked its head over the shoreline, and grabbed Newt in its mouth, swimming off mere moments later with the still-lovestruck, and very uncomfortable bloodhound in its mouth.

"Well, I may not have found a handsome prince," Minerva thought aloud to herself, "but at least I got my ball back, so I suppose I can always try it aga... Oh, no. My ring's gone again! I must have lost it when I let go of the fishing rod!"

Just then, however, she heard a familiar croak from nearby, and looked down in delight to see the same frog from that morning, holding her ring in its mouth.

"Oh, thank you very much!" Minerva said to the frog, taking the ring from its lips, and watching it pucker up, "Yes, I know. You can tell me how wrong I was to ignore you the first time once you transform into the prince of my dreams, alright?"

So with that, Minerva grabbed the frog in both hands and gave it a great, big kiss on its amphibian lips.

In less than half a second, Minerva was holding in her arms, not a small, green amphibian, but a tall, broad-shouldered prince, wearing a long, red cloak and a golden crown. He had a broad, handsome chin, and a smile like the sun, and Minerva shrieked in delight at her discovery.

"Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute." the prince said as Minerva's head began to transform into a trumpet, and play a royal fanfare, "Like, you did turn me back into a prince and all, but there's some things I gotta know first, before..."

"Oh, shut up and kiss me!" Minerva exclaimed, and tried desperately to get her lips to make contact with the prince's face again, although he made a good effort of avoiding that.

"No, no! Listen. Are you rich, 'cause, like, I'm kinda broke right now, and I was sorta hoping for somebody with some cash..."

Minerva's jaw and the Prince hit the ground simultaneously.

"What? A poor, handsome prince?" Minerva asked, shocked, "How does that happen? What a waste!"

"Yeah, the rates on those lily pads are pretty ridiculous." the prince replied, rubbing the back of his neck, "Guess you're not my type, though. Oh, well."

Just like that, he was off, like all the other handsome princes in Minerva's life.

"This book isn't worth whatever insignificant amount I paid for it years ago." Minerva muttered angrily as she stormed back into her log house, and picked the book up off her couch, but just as she was about to throw it in the garbage, another passage caught her eye...

"And so, the beautiful girl, who'd been asleep for so long under the evil spell, was found by the handsome prince, and with true love's first kiss, awoke from her slumber."

"Hmmm..." Minerva said, scratching her chin, as she devised another scheme...

The End

* * *

Well, I'm glad to be getting back to the comedy stuff, although on some level, I think I know I'll be going back and forth between different kinds of tales surrounding Minerva. I also think it's alright if I let you know how I've been doing this. Basically, I write an issue, then on the following day, I proofread it and make modifications where necessary. Long story short, I've actually already written issue four as I post this, and have a very good idea of what I want issue five to look like, so that's how I can give you a blip about what upcoming issues may be about, so...

Don't miss next issue, when Minerva's loneliness finally gets the better of her, and she decides to try settling for less in a guy, but an encounter with one guy in particular may change her mind.

And in issue five; Minerva tries to get reliable, professional therapy... Yeah, right.


	4. Issue 4: Owner of a Boring Heart

Minktales

Issue 4

"Owner of a Boring Heart"

Minerva Mink sighed as she opened her diary in the mid-afternoon of the second day of July. On another day, she might have easily sung one minute, and sighed over her troubles the next, but she was feeling particularly down, as if the routine of her life had become too... well, too routine. Day after day, nothing ever changed for her. It was just the same old stuff all over again.

"Dear Diary" she penned aloud, "Today has been one long, lonely bore. It's at times like these, when I suffer the pains of having no one to really confide in, that I wish with all my heart for my dreams to come true, and for a handsome, rich, interested young man to take me away from this type of average pond-side comfort and style, and into a life of true glamor."

"But," she continued writing, "when weeks pass, and no one with those rare qualities appears, even a breathtaking girl like myself begins to feel lost and alone. There are days, truthfully, when I would accept anyone with cash and sincerity, regardless of physical appearance. A sad thing to have to admit, but there is nothing in a relationship that could be worse than loneliness. Your faithful servant, Minerva Mink."

"Well, it's still too early to give up hope completely, I suppose." Minerva thought, as she locked her diary with her little, golden key again, and put it in a drawer in her vanity, then dropped the key into the usual place inside her dress, and stepped outside, to cheers and whistles from the male animals of the local pond, followed by many loud walloping noises, and explosions from the pond's female denizens. Normally, Minerva might have acted casual, while enjoying the attention, but she had a party to attend that night.

* * *

"What were you thinking, Trudy?" Annette asked, "How could you invite Minerva? This is supposed to be a party for fun, to meet one another's friends! How could you go and spoil it like that?"

"Minerva's my best friend," Trudy said, trying to defend her actions, "and she'd know if there was a party I didn't invite her to."

"Maybe next time, I won't tell you when we're having a party, so the rest of us can actually get some attention from the guests. As soon as Minerva gets here, everyone else is going to be a wallflower, as usual! I hope you're proud of yourself, Trudy. Watch the so-called 'matchmaking' this party will create."

The "party" attracted, as it turned out, sixteen girls and about fourteen guys, but of the fourteen, only one seemed to have eyes for anything or anybody but Minerva the moment she entered, and only, presumably, because he was facing the other way.

"Hi everyone!" Minerva exclaimed, as she stepped slowly forward in one of her best party dresses, which couldn't have made things any easier on the guys at the party, and was probably considered, by many of the girls, to be just plain showing off. When it was just-girl meetings, Minerva was a welcome addition, and even seen as a ringleader at times, among the district's fashionable ladies, but for obvious reasons, no girl in town cared for her company when there were attractive guys around.

Many of the guys at that party were considered to be attractive, and a few were not, but as usual, they fell, on average, at her feet, not just from attraction, but because after spending five minutes around Minerva, not one had enough of their own will left to even stand up properly. All they could feel was the power of love that seemed to be using the gorgeous, golden-haired mink as its very nexus. Some had even fainted from the mere intensity of the emotion that they felt over her.

In the end, there was only one man at that party who really drew Minerva's interest, although several seemed (by her well-elevated standards) to be marginally attractive. The man who drew her attention was the unusual one. For ten minutes, she'd been at the party, and he'd never even cast her a glance, which was strange behavior for any man, to say the least.

"I wonder if he's a statue, or a robot, or a woman in disguise." Minerva thought silently at first, but at the end of fifteen minutes, her curiosity got the better of her, and she got up off the cushions that the many men at the party had placed in a pile for her, leaving behind some of the dishes from the buffet that she'd requested they bring her, and the forlorn looks of the seven lovesick men who'd remained conscious and attentive, and ambled slowly over to the buffet table where the somewhat short, balding, but clearly very strong-willed man stood.

"Hello." she said slowly, "My name is Minerva, and I couldn't help but notice that you've sort of been... all alone over here."

"Hello, Minerva." the man replied, turning to look at her with a deeply vacant expression, and speaking in one of the flattest tones of voice that the young mink had ever heard, "It's really nice to meet you. I mean it. It's a real pleasure. My name is Francis Pumphandle, but everyone calls me Pip. Have you tried the peach cobbler? It's really something. I usually prefer my cobbler to be of the blueberry variety, but whoever made this peach kind did a great job."

"W-W-What about me?" Minerva burst out, worried that Pip would be able to go on talking and talking without ever paying her so much as a single compliment.

"You did a great job as well. I like the way you did your hair, and that dress is really something. In fact, I'd say you're just about the prettiest person I've ever met, and I've met some doozies. I remember one time, I met Sandy Sandford; this was back when her career was just getting off the ground, you understand, it was a long time ago."

Just like that, Pip Pumphandle had absorbed Minerva's wish, and made it part of a continual nightmare; integrating compliments flawlessly into his dull, monotone, long-winded and boring speech, and making even the nicest of compliments sound like algebraic formulas from a textbook.

"Yeesh!" Minerva said aloud as Pip continued to talk, regardless of her responses, "If I listen to you for more than five minutes, I could actually start finding compliments irritating. How horrible."

"I actually met her first when she was headed into a restaurant a few miles out from my home town. It was a chance sort of meeting, but I think she went there for the same reason I did. She definitely liked the bologna sandwiches. Bologna. Now there's an odd word. Everyone is familiar with bologna, but nobody ever uses the word bologna to mean the meat. They always say bologna whenever they think something is nonsense."

Deciding the best thing would just be to leave the party early, Minerva stepped outside...

...to find Francis Pumphandle standing right outside the exit, continuing to talk.

"I just prefer to use the word nonsense myself. It seems more respectful to the English language to use words for what they really mean."

"Now, now..." Minerva said, in as rough a voice as she could conjure up without yelling, "I know my astounding looks have you captivated, but no following, okay?"

"Getting back to bologna for a second, there's really a lot of things most people don't know about bologna."

Minerva was off and running down the street at as good a sprint as she dared in heels, leaving just over a dozen poor, innocent men to recover from their encounter with her, and the rest of her friends remaining at the party to play clean-up after the latest "Minerva fiasco" as they often called them.

However, around the next three corners that Minerva turned, there was Pip. It was strange, because in all the time she'd seen the creepy little fellow, he'd never once moved his legs, but he always seemed to be wherever she was going.

"For one thing, hardly anybody knows what bologna actually is. It's the same with a lot of other kinds of meat; pepperoni, and sausages, and hot dogs. I mean, you know some of the ingredients, but there are others that no one really knows..."

As she ran down the street, away from the center of town, Minerva could hear the whistles and heavy panting of three tall, strong-looking men when she passed by, and decided to pull her trump card on that mister "Pip." It might not work on him directly, but something had to be done.

"Excuse me, fellas." Minerva said slowly, with well-planned lip and shoulder motions, as she spoke, "There's this irritating little man following me. Do you think you could maybe stop him from talking somehow?"

"Anything for you, doll!" one of the men exclaimed enthusiastically, and the others seemed to agree. In only a moment, Minerva could hear Pip approaching.

"...course no one really wants to know those ingredients either, so it sort of all works itself out, but I've heard that some of those ingredients are truly vile."

Minerva might, under other circumstances, have winced at the sounds that drifted toward her moments later, but after what she'd just gone through, the sound of a struggle, and someone being tied up were like music to her ears, so she smiled broader, then continued the walk home, certain that many of the inhabitants of that side of town would get very little accomplished that evening as a result, when she heard a horrible noise.

"Of course, I don't really care what goes into a hot dog either, unless it's poisonous."

"AAAAGH!" screamed Minerva as she fled the town posthaste, too fast for anyone to see her, or follow. Normally, the attention of the other people in town would have been a source of amusement to her, but she didn't have time for amusement anymore. She had to get away from Pip.

At last, panting hard, and out of breath, Minerva waved aside the usual whistles, wild takes and other varied, assorted reactions of the local animals as she unlocked, then opened the door to her log house...

"So, I asked a friend of mine who knows all about hot dogs if any of the ingredients were poisonous, and he said 'no more than anything else,' which I think was his way of saying yes."

"How-how did you get in here?" Minerva shrieked, "Are you some kind of stalker or something?"

But by that point, Pip wasn't even responding to her. He was just sitting on her couch, continuing to talk, and as hard as she tried, she couldn't get him to leave. Minerva tried to pick him up, or tip him off the couch, but he seemed to be stuck to it somehow. She even tried holding the whole couch upside down and shaking it, but that produced no effect.

"Of course, you'd want someone to tell you if you were about to drink poison, so I told him it might be a good idea for someone to tell you when you're about to eat a hot dog. After taking some time to think about it, though, I'm pretty sure most people can identify a hot dog for themselves."

Minerva found she had the best results when trying to throw her whole couch out the front door, but Pip just sort of seemed to reappear in her home whenever she did that, so at last, depressed, defeated, and feeling absolutely helpless, Minerva Mink went into her bedroom and got dressed in her bathrobe, then started brushing her gleaming, white teeth, and her long, golden, perfect hair.

"I think the catch is when people put a hot dog into their mouths, and they're not really sure what's in it. You might solve the problem with a disclaimer on hot dog packages that says 'warning; all hot dogs are poisonous.' Of course, that might not solve the problem after all, and besides, I'm sure I wouldn't want to put that kind of a disclaimer on packaging if I were a hot dog marketing rep."

If nothing else, Pip was a good sport about being an unwelcome intruder. He sat on Minerva's couch all night, just talking and talking, never shutting up, and always in the same monotone voice about the most boring and disjointed stuff. When Minerva woke up the following morning, she was greeted, not by the twittering of birds and the sound of the waves in the pond, but by Pip's incessant, dry dialogue.

"But getting back to bologna, that restaurant was called the King Midas Sandwich Shop. King Midas was a character in a story who could turn things to gold just by touching them."

Minerva slowly, groggily got out of bed, tightened her belt around her bathrobe, and for the first time in her life, wondered if coffee might not be a bad idea. The very notion made her feel like slapping herself, but it did cross her mind. She eventually decided to have apple slices and some toast instead. Pip didn't request any. He just kept talking while she ate.

"Of course, that would cause all kinds of problems for you, because then you wouldn't really be able to eat anything, I guess, unless you could already eat gold, which is something a lot of people used to say that politicians did, but it's really just a saying. Presidents and senators can't really eat money."

Minerva had finished her breakfast quickly, but the spirits of song and dance weren't in her, and she could even, on some level, feel her natural attractiveness draining away. She checked the mirror on her vanity just to be safe, and she didn't notice too visible a difference, except for the bags under her eyes...

"But the King Midas Sandwich Shop does eat money, particularly if you go there often, as I used to. So I saw Sandy, who I recognized immediately, stepping out of that shop one day, just as I was walking down the street in a different direction, and as we passed by, within inches of each other, I could see she had a little paper bag with her, and I could just manage to catch the hint of the scent of Bologna."

"Well," Pip said, standing up and stretching, "It's been fun chatting with you. Good-bye."

* * *

Minerva sat on her bed in her bathrobe for several minutes after that, her baggy eyes almost as big as the eyes of the local animals got whenever she left the house, and staring straight ahead of her, even though there was nothing to stare at in that direction but a particularly nice floral wallpaper she'd picked out on a Wednesday long ago.

However, after several minutes had passed, she started to feel her old strength returning. The depression and disappointment she'd felt the previous day, even before going to the party were vanishing like a bad headache, and in their place, she was feeling deeply refreshed, as though she'd just given her emotional state some much-needed exercise, and it was feeling ready to get up and go again.

Before Minerva actually got up and did any of the singing or dancing that she definitely felt like doing, though, there was one thing more she needed to do indoors; one revelation she needed to act upon.

"Dear Diary," she was writing in moments, "Forget that last entry. I didn't know what I was talking about. There's lots of things worse than loneliness. Your faithful servant, Minerva Mink."

Then, just like that, she re-locked her diary, put it back in her vanity drawer, deposited the key into its normal location (that time within her bathrobe) and started to get dressed and brush her hair. It was going to be a very good day.

The End

* * *

Yeah, I know. It's kind of a cop-out to move into a crossover story so soon, but I couldn't help it. The idea of Pip stalking Minerva was just too good to pass up, and in the next issue, she'll meet yet another well-known animaniacs character as she seeks psychiatric help for her views on men, but can he help her find the truth while fighting with himself to resist her unnatural charm?


	5. Issue 5: Doctor of Love

Minktales

Issue 5

"Doctor of Love"

The door to the psychiatry room in the Warner Brother's studio swung open as if it had simply lost the will to stay closed, and from inside emerged three young-looking toons, all obviously a great deal more pleased with their latest session than the psychiatrist who they'd been meeting with. Said Psychiatrist emerged moments later, disheveled and tired, with his glasses on lopsided, and one button on his coat undone.

"Thanks for the advice, doc!" Yakko yelled as he left.

"Hope your head cold feels better!" Dot shouted as she followed.

"Keep the ice!" Wakko shouted back.

"Ja, Ja, goodbye." the tired psychiatrist named Doctor Otto Scratchansniff sighed, closing the door behind him. Sessions with the Warner brothers (and their sister Dot) were never easy, but that one had been particularly difficult, and some part of the good doctor wanted to toss aside all of his other appointments for the day and just get some rest, but he knew he couldn't do that. Many other people needed his help, and besides, no matter who he had to face next, it couldn't be as bad as the Warner brothers. No one was. It might, he thought, smiling to himself, even be refreshing by comparison.

"Nurse," Doctor Scratchansniff said, pushing the intercom button on the table next to him as he did so, "You may buzz in my three o'clock now."

Hello Nurse sounded a little depressed for some reason, but she replied, "Yes. Alright doctor."

The door opened slowly, as the doctor leaned back, ready for just about anything...

However, the person who stepped into his office at that moment took away what breath he still had after the Warners. She was a mink, only a foot or so shorter than himself, with white, milky fur, and long, golden hair on her head and tail, which she seemed to have styled into curls and loops at the very ends. She wore a long, blue jumpsuit with loose shoulders, and deep, blue shoes with heels. As soon as she was a couple feet into the room, she casually reached back, bent over, grabbed the doorknob, and closed the door with both firmness and grace, never looking up towards the doctor as she did so. Then, she moved over to the couch in the center of the room, swiveled at the hip to seat herself, turned around again to face the doctor again, and braced her hands against the couch on either side of her, opening both eyes all the way for the first time since she'd entered the room.

At that point, leaning forward, and facing the doctor directly, Minerva Mink exclaimed, "Doctor Scratchansniff, I need your help."

For a few moments, Scratchansniff just sat there, looking at her, hoping that he'd be able to reply to her, but the moments turned into seconds, and by the end of ten seconds, Scratchansniff had made a decision.

"Sorry, my dear. Do hold zat sought for a moment."

At once, the doctor was off like a shot, opening the door to the next room (where he kept all his psychiatry books) and slamming it shut, locking it behind him.

For several minutes, Doctor Scratchansniff was immersed in examinations of unusual psychological diseases known to befall psychiatrists; fixations, self-imposed nervous meltdowns, excessive emotional vulnerability, or anything else known to interfere in the ability of a psychoanalyst to do his job with detachment and professionalism. The closest thing he found was a passage from an old manuscript that he'd clipped into a picture album entitled "counseling of ancient times," which seemed not to have anything to do with counseling at all. It read "the council stood at attention for only moments as she entered the chamber, and then as each member gazed upon the mighty Aphrodite, they found they could offer council no more."

Doctor Scratchansniff threw the book into a corner, and hung his head over his desk, so that it was only inches from his bust of Sigmund Freud, which he found sometimes helped to calm him and order his thoughts.

"Alright. Alright." he said in measured breaths, "I am a famous psychoanalyst in hollyvood. I graduated vis honors! I deal vis movie stars regularly! I vork on a professional basis vis the most beautiful voman in the country! I can do zis. Stiffen up, get ze notebook ready, and take it slowly..."

So, grabbing a notebook and pen from his desk, some large cards from next to it, and a few other important items from the trunk next to his bookcases, Scratchansniff unlocked and opened the door, then immediately screamed aloud. Minerva Mink wasn't seated anymore. She was standing right in front of the door, with both arms folded.

"I hope you know I'm not paying for those last ten minutes." she said irritably.

"Ja, ja. Fine." Scratchansniff replied in a trembling voice, "Now, have a seat, ja?"

Minerva seated herself, to Scratchansniff's emotional stress, in the same way she had before, but he tried to ignore it by pretending to look at his notebook.

"Vould you prefer to lie down?" he heard himself ask, mentally slugging himself for the way that question had come out, but she merely shook her head slowly, causing her long, gold tresses to shake back and forth for several seconds.

"I have a terrible problem, doctor." she said in a tone so sad that it could break a heart made of iron, "It's a problem that's been wearing down on me for years; something I've been trying to ignore, but I just can't. Not anymore. Not now. Doctor...?"

By that point, Scratchansniff was already soaked from all the sweat that had started to cover him as she spoke, and then she leaned back, her hair sweeping backwards as she said, "...I think that men react oddly to me."

"Ju... ju don't say..." Scratchansniff sputtered out.

"Most of the time, when I meet a man, they act like they've been poisoned... or something..." Minerva said slowly, as she leaned on the couch again, "Of course, I know that's absurd. I'm no different from every other breathtakingly beautiful girl, am I?"

Scratchansniff tried to reassure her, but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. He could tell that his throat would have twisted itself into a knot, rather than participate in such a grotesque lie.

"Vut... Vut gave you zat idea?" he finally asked, sidestepping her question neatly.

"Oh, it's so strange." she pouted, "Every time I meet a man, they start with compliments, then requests, then they start offering me things... gifts, usually. Then they start gibbering, then finally they just sort of fall down, and don't get up until I leave. At least, with a lot of them it happens like that. Most of them don't go quite that far, and some... well, some don't even seem to care. But... well, I can't be the only girl who faces these things, but men are just so different from girls... I think I've started to see them as a different type of animal altogether. Can you help me get my... perspective back, doctor?"

"Oh, your perspective isn't that far off." the very red Scratchansniff replied. It was a lie, but only a small, white one, "But how about if ve start vis your parents, ja?"

"My parents?" Minerva asked, looking surprised by the question, "Oh, I haven't seen them in years. My dad ran away from home when I got that convertible, and my mom followed him a while later. Wonder where they went."

"You must have been lonely, ja?" Scratchansniff asked, not sure whether it was out of line or not anymore.

"Oh, yes." Minerva replied with a half-smile, "I do lead such a lonely life. I just haven't found that special someone yet, but I'm sure it'll happen, once I learn to see men... as they really are."

"Has you ever had a boyfriend?" Scratchansniff asked, although he was sure it WAS out of line.

"Not for very long." Minerva replied in a tone that felt just a little menacing, "After the first few minutes, none of my old boyfriends could think of any more compliments. They just started becoming obsessed with hugs and kisses. Is that what guys are really like?"

Scratchansniff bit his upper lip, but he couldn't answer. After about fifteen seconds, however, he though he ought to say something, so he pulled a few cards from nearby and showed them, one at a time, to Minerva Mink, saying; "Let's try somesing else, ja? Look at these cards, und tell me vut you see."

Minerva looked at the first card hard, squinting carefully with her left eye, until she said "Hmmm... Dunno. A blob?"

"Vell, close enough." Scratchansniff replied, pulling out the next card, which had much more resemblance to a small van.

"This one I know." Minerva said, brightening up, "It's a tube of lipstick."

"Ja. Okay. Next vun." Scratchansniff replied, still unable to bring himself to feel frustrated with her.

"Hmm..." Minerva thought as she looked at the card in the psychiatrist's hands, which bore a very clear resemblance to two people kissing. Finally she said, "I think... I think... I think it's... Oh! I think it's a peace symbol turned on its side!"

Scratchansniff turned the picture over, to get a look at it himself, but he couldn't see the resemblance at all.

"Ja, vell... let's try somsing else." Scratchansniff replied, putting the cards away and pulling out a series of blocks with specific square-like shapes on them.

"Put these blocks in new shapes, zen tell me ven your done."

"Alright, doctor." Minerva replied, and immediately set to work. In only a few seconds, however, she tapped Scratchansniff on the shoulder, and he felt himself shudder up and down at the mere close contact with her, even before he looked up.

"That was fun, doctor," the stunning mink said slowly, with a big smile, "but I'm finished now."

Scratchansniff screamed aloud at the sight that greeted him. The blocks had somehow been arranged to form a very close resemblance of Minerva herself, and two Minervas in the room were wearing on his professionalism a great deal faster than one. Immediately, he grabbed the blocks, stuffed them into a bag, and threw the bag behind the couch, then, a wreck by that point, seated himself on the couch, as Minerva took a seat opposite him in his chair.

"You seem to like sinking about yourself." Scratchansniff said, lying on his back to look up at the ceiling, in the hopes that it might stop the rapid pounding of his heart, "Let's get right to ze point. Do you dislike kisses?"

Minerva was obviously taken aback by the question, but after a moment, she said, "Well, I'm not sure... I'm not sure I can really talk about that."

However, by that point, Scratchansniff knew he couldn't stop himself from speaking about love, even though it was out of line, and unprofessional.

"Vell, you can't talk to a man about kisses und hugs. Ja? Ja. Can you talk to Mister Puppet Head?"

At that, Scratchansniff pulled out Mister Puppet Head; a small hand puppet designed to look like himself. As soon as Minerva saw it, she giggled, causing Scratchansniff to shrink away, collapsing back onto the couch again. However, in only a moment, Minerva had gotten up from her own seat and was rushing, one leg before the other at almost all times, towards him, which made Scratchansniff scream again, as she seized the hand-puppet from him with a big smile.

"This is so cute!" Minerva exclaimed as she held the puppet in one hand, "Did you make it yourself?"

"Um... Ja, ja." Scratchansniff replied as Minerva held the puppet in front of her, that time at arm's length with both hands.

"It's adorable!" she exclaimed, then held the puppet close and said, "Actually, yes. I do like kisses and hugs. I like them a lot..."

As she said that, however, something happened that even Scratchansniff hadn't expected. The puppet had itself let out an ear-piercing shriek, and seemed to have gone much limper in Minerva's arms. She, in turn, dropped it to the floor in surprise.

"Well, that's said, anyway." Minerva said, watching Scratchansniff cower on one corner of the couch, as she slowly seated herself on the other, "I think boys don't really want too many different things than I do, but they're definitely different than me. How can I look to them like ordinary people if they always act so strange?"

If anything, however, Minerva's close proximity had made her effect upon Scratchansniff's emotional state even worse. The poor doctor's eyes, and the glasses that covered them were the size of dinner plates by that point, and in a moment, he was sitting right next to her, speaking several nonsense words in a row; "Ooh, dear. Vunder. I must hold you, my liebchen."

"What's wrong with you?" Minerva asked, looking truly curious and worried, but after only a moment, a thought occurred to her, and she got to her feet, to move over to the door.

"Thank you, doctor." the mink said slowly and happily, "I understand. I know you're a normal person, who uses all sorts of techniques to analyze people's thoughts, while keeping your own... aloof."

Minerva seemed to shift in place as she said that, causing Scratchansniff to fall to the floor from his former position on the couch, his tongue hanging out of his mouth completely.

"But even though you're a normal person, you also could react like a guy. In other words, just because guys react oddly doesn't mean they're not still people. I understand completely now. Thank you so much, doctor."

Then, quickly, Minerva strutted forward, towards the doctor one last time, and kissed him on the forehead, then turned to leave. He was sprawled out on the floor, unconscious before she'd even closed the door.

Fifteen minutes passed, then thirty, then forty-five. At last, Scratchansniff regained consciousness, and finding the staggering vision gone, he got up and seated himself back in his psychiatry chair, able to think about almost anything, except that Minerva had once sat there.

"They found they could offer council no more" the doctor thought aloud, before pushing the intercom button on his chair.

"Miss Nurse." Scratchansniff gasped into the intercom, putting his head in his hands, "Cancel all my appointments for ze next veek. I need... I need time."

The End.

* * *

It seems to me that much of Minerva's innate charm, and the reason she reminded me of my former dream, is that she excels in being innately and uncompromisingly feminine to such a degree that she has neither the need, nor the desire to really get tough with anyone. If she ever faced off against a hugely powerful warrior, for instance, she wouldn't need to compete on his level. She'd just drag him down to hers, and in minutes, he'd be a poor, babbling buffoon.

Of course, Minerva is sexy. Overtly so. I don't think anyone's going to deny that. But to me, it always looked like she was sexy in a way that sort of precluded the possibility of actual sex, and I think that makes the genuine emotions that radiate from her all the more potent.

Well, I doubt the good doctor will take any more appointments from Minerva, but I'm sure he'll recover. Now, Minerva's feeling really good about herself, and she's in the mood for some music, and in the next issue, Minerva will try her hardest to play an instrument, but someone is trying to take advantage of her inexperience. Peace and love, all.


	6. Issue 6: The Wrong Keys

Minktales

Issue 6

"The Wrong Keys"

The package had arrived very early in the afternoon, but it hadn't actually made its way into Minerva Mink's log house until four thirty, mainly because she'd had to use every last trick she had (short of actually kissing someone) to get the movers to stop staring at her and do their job. It was one of the trials of being beautiful beyond the lot of mortals. Getting people to do things for you was an art form for Minerva Mink, or at the very least, that was what she'd made it.

Minerva's all-surpassing charm and beauty had supported her for virtually her entire life, allowing her to live comfortably and stylishly in her log home by the pond near a major city with plenty of shops, as well as becoming quite possibly the most famous individual in the district in which she lived. People of every sort either looked to her as an authority on fashion and glamor, fell amorously over her at a moment's notice, or else considered her to be a walking disaster area. After all, no man could focus on what he was supposed to be doing when she passed by.

Every so often, Minerva would get an urge to try out some new hobby, food, clothing line or other thing that cost a pretty penny, but she never worried about money, since she could usually get people who had enough of their own to offer her things as gifts. The box in question was one such generous gift from a lovestruck admirer. It was very big, and very heavy too, which was why she hadn't wanted to move it into place in her house on her own. It dominated the area in the center of her living room, and admittedly, the cardboard box wasn't in the best condition, not that she would have wanted a box in the middle of her living room anyway, so without taking very long to consider the matter, Minerva opened the box and carefully slid it away, revealing an ornately-carved, wooden piano. It was the sort of piano with a top that opens, and strings inside that need tuning every so often. In other words, it was an older sort of piano. In the modern world, electronic keyboards were used, but Minerva didn't really want to play the piano; at least not very often. She'd just wanted it as a decoration for her living room, to replace the coffee table that had lost a leg the previous week.

"At least" she thought, "I could put drinks on top of it when there's a party, and I suppose it'll make a nice conversation piece."

Just then, however, something else occurred to Minerva. What if she was asked to play it? It would be so embarrassing to have a piano and be horrible at playing it, and she was, after all, in the mood for music, so she seated herself at the bench that had been included with the piano, and pulled some sheet music out of the compartment in the bottom, sifting through it, to get a feel for what the little dots on the lines meant. It was all pretty straightforward. Minerva had some talent in music and song, so adapting to and reading the sheet music was actually very simple. What wasn't simple was figuring out what the keys on the piano did. At first, it took some effort to make sounds on the keys, and the letters used to describe the musical notes were very confusing to her, since she was the kind of person who mainly understood music in a harmonious sense, but wasn't used to charting out musical notes.

"Kind of hard to get used to." she muttered as her fingers ran up and down the keys, producing something that more resembled a mere cacophony than actual music, "I wish they'd label these keys with 'La,' 'Dee' and 'Da.' That'd make it easier."

However, Minerva wasn't the only creature at the forest pond that was disturbed by the aharmonious noises the piano was making. In fact, many animals heard the noise, and fled to other areas of the forest in response. There was, however, one who saw the piano, not as an irritant, but as an opportunity.

"So..." Newt said to himself as he listened to Minerva's attempts to play, "She's trying to play piano, eh? This is the perfect opportunity. I can finally get inside that Mink's house and capture her for my master. Hahaha!"

Quickly, Newt donned a trench coat, fake beard and fedora, and rang Minerva's doorbell, which at first, she mistook for another discordant note on the piano, but soon, she realized what it really was, swiveled her legs around to get up, and skipped over to answer the door.

"Good evening." Newt said, "My name is Gregory Noteworthy, and I am a piano instructor. I was wondering if you had need of my services."

For a moment, Minerva leaned off to one side of the door and smiled knowingly in a "this is going to be fun" kind of way.

"Why, yes!" she exclaimed at last, "Please come in. I just got a piano, and I can't figure out which keys to press..."

"Alright." Newt replied, stepping inside as Minerva seated herself on the piano bench, causing Newt to start sweating.

"Come over here, please." she said, blinking rapidly as she did so, which only made Newt sweat even more, although he did stand over her at the piano in moments.

Newt had a net ready in his back pocket, but at the moment, she was paying much too close attention for him to use it.

"What were you trying to play, exactly? This sheet music here?" Newt asked.

"Right. Whenever I put my finger down on a key, it just turns out to be wrong." Minerva said slowly, enunciating each syllable. Newt had to start tapping his foot to keep himself from going into convulsions.

"W-well, try that k-key first." Newt gasped.

"Which one?" Minerva asked, "There's so many. Won't you show me with your fingers?"

As she said that, she moved to one side, as if to allow Newt access to the keys, and slowly, carefully, he moved his fingers closer to those piano keys, only to find that when he put them down, Minerva's fingers were there on top of his in moments.

"If we play like this together," she half-whispered, "I'm sure to catch on in no time."

Newt couldn't stand it any longer. His whole body trembled like a tuning fork, shaking off his disguise, which came to rest on the floor, he transformed, in moments, into a Newt-colored rocket as Minerva yawned. Newt shot towards the piano, while Minerva swiftly rolled out of his way, then watched as Newt shot out a nearby window. A few moments later, Minerva heard a shattering explosion from outside, but barely reacted at all, as she closed the front door, took her seat at the piano again, and continued trying to play.

* * *

Later that afternoon, it was starting to get warm, so Minerva stepped outside to take a dip in the local pond, much to the excitement of the local male animals, and the frustration of the female ones, but for Newt, it was the perfect opportunity. Keeping his eyes carefully off the pond, he climbed in the open window of Minerva's house, and opened the top of the piano, his mink-net at the ready.

"As soon as she decides to continue playing the piano," Newt said to himself as he climbed into the spacious hollow in the piano's top, "I'll grab her with the net, and I won't even have to look at her to do it! Oh, this is genius!"

It wasn't long before Minerva returned, rapidly drying from her pond swim, and bundled up in towels as she seated herself at the piano again. Newt snickered quietly as he made ready to use his net.

Then, suddenly, a little hammer came down on top of his tail, and he let out a yelp in A sharp.

"Ah, that's better." he heard Minerva say as another hammer came down on top of his tail in another section, producing another yelp from Newt, that time in D.

Newt struggled to keep his tail out of the way, but the inside of the piano wasn't that big, and when it wasn't his tail, it was his foot, or his nose. The piano-playing went on for several hours before Newt found that Minerva had finally, finally left, and stumbled, bruised all over, from the house to collapse outside.

* * *

Newt wasn't giving up, however. If nothing else, he knew where in the house that Mink was going to be, and started setting up a rope pulley through the window, over her piano.

"As soon as she sits down to play the piano," Newt remarked to himself, "I lower the rope and reel her in like a fish! It's perfect!"

In moments, Newt heard the sound of discordant musical notes coming from the house and let the rope go for three feet, then pulled. He pulled and pulled, the pulley on the ceiling and the one on the wall just outside the window straining against their load.

"Funny." Newt muttered as he pulled and pulled, as hard as he could, "She always looked... so light."

"Are you calling me fat?" Minerva asked from directly behind Newt, causing him to yelp and leap forwards, yanking the rope in a new direction, and causing the entire piano to pop out the window like jello, flying into the air.

"Have fun." Minerva remarked, stepping back into the house as the piano began its descent, and Newt had just enough time to remark "Mommy."

As Minerva turned off the tape recorder in her house, she smoothed out the rug in her living room, recently made vacant by her missing piano, while the sounds of said piano crashing to the ground, cracking apart, then rolling on its casters into the swamp reached her ears, but made little difference in her outward behavior.

"Well," Minerva sighed with a half-smile, "I never was very good at playing it anyway. I guess you can't have everything. Ho, hum. I'll just have to get a new coffee table, I suppose. It won't look that bad in the middle of the room. Plus, there are other advantages to coffee tables..."

"They're much, much lighter..." a very flat Newt remarked from just outside her window as he stumbled off into the woods again.

The End

* * *

Kind of a short one this time, but I was a little distracted. I didn't have as much to be cheered up from because it was the weekend, and a cheery subject like Minerva Mink is something I always feel more ready to write about if my real life is upsetting. However, today was a pretty lousy day, and I'm working tomorrow too, so you may expect to see that Minerva's next adventure is a little longer, and of a more... supernatural flavor, though no less funny.

Then after that, Newt has made a bet with Minerva that he can make himself more beautiful than any guy she's ever seen. Who will win the bet and what will be at stake?


	7. Issue 7: Beyond the Lot of Mortals

Minktales

Issue 7

"Beyond the Lot of Mortals"

The image of darkness was always the first thing the beloved one saw. Small lights would dart from place to place, to illuminate the presence of her charge in the world, most often in homes, parks, or an occasional movie theater. Wherever the light turned red, it was the beloved one's task to snuff it out, and wherever it shone too brightly, it was her task to dim it. At least, she'd taken it as her task, because after all, why should mortals benefit from a light that only the Gods themselves deserve? At three points on the globe, the brighter lights were seen momentarily, and at three points on the globe, they were snuffed out, before something else caught the beloved one's attention at the edge of her field of vision. At first, she hadn't seen it, or rather, hadn't suspected what it was, because she had been too close to the earth, but as she backed away, she could see that it was something she'd hoped never to have to face. It was a light that stretched so far, and shone so bright, that when one was too close to it, it was hard to make out distinctly where it began and where it ended, and its center was located in a forest in America... The beloved one tried to snuff the mighty light, but it hesitated to go out. Thousands of souls had contributed to it, and that was more than she dared tamper with, without knowing more about its source. In only a moment more, the beloved one had cast aside her ethereal essence, taking up the guise of mortal flesh. She would soon learn who was responsible for such an atrocity.

To the eyes of an immortal, the world is seen in the brilliance of their own power; where it shines most brightly within the world, but to mortal eyes, that power becomes invisible, and one is forced to recognize the dull, bland shapes, forms and colors of the physical world. It was that which the beloved one recognized as she took on the form of flesh, to land on the very doorstep of the phenomenon that had drawn her attention so sharply; which she hadn't even recognized for so long.

From within the house, made of a log, but otherwise very fashionably decorated, came the sound of a shower at the back of the building, and the beautiful voice of a maiden in song. The beloved one rang the maiden's doorbell and waited a short while for a response. At last, the maiden was heard to shout, from inside; "Just a minute! I need to make myself presentable!"

In fact, it was closer to five minutes before the door opened, and by that time, the beloved one was growing impatient, although she could see exactly where those five minutes had gone the moment the door opened. There stood the woman who was clearly the source of the disturbance, and the sign on her mailbox described her as "M. Mink."

The beloved one could easily see at least part of why her light might shine brighter than most. She was very pretty, with golden hair and a long, curling tail of the same color and sheen, as well as beautiful eyes and eyelashes. Her nose looked, from the front, like a pre-shelled peanut, and the mouth it was attached to was very short for a mink. Still, beauty alone was not enough to account for the intensity of the light that surrounded her life.

"Can I help you?" Minerva Mink asked as the beloved one tried to look as if she wasn't feeling betrayed.

"I'm... Amelia. Amelia... Openhouse." The beloved one said, making up the name on the spot, "I'm new in town, and I heard your name in passing, and decided to look you up."

"Wow. You really are new in town, aren't you?" Minerva asked, "So what do you need help with? Fashion design tips? Ideas for dates? Songs?"

"Actually, I was hoping to learn a few things about you." "Amelia" said, "Your life, for instance, your past, and what you face in the day-to-day."

"Well, there's not much to tell. I'm an average, stunningly-beautiful mink of fine style. Guys love me whenever they have any taste, and girls like me as long as there are no guys around. My hobbies are singing, interior decorating and getting guys to do things for me. I have a decent education too, but nobody really cares about that anymore."

For a moment, Amelia tried to regain a sense of her immortal-sight, but as soon as she did, she found that the light was so strong, it nearly blinded her, and she lapsed back into mortal visions.

"Can you describe the reactions of men to your presence in further detail?" Amelia asked as she rubbed her eyes.

"Oh, pretty normal." Minerva replied, "They deliver cheesy compliments, then after a few minutes, start begging for kisses and fainting whenever you touch them. It's a girl thing. I'm sure you've faced something similar."

"Yes." Amelia replied, suddenly unable to completely disguise the anger in her voice, "In fact, I thought I was the only one who did."

"Yeah, me too, when I was younger." Minerva responded with a giggle, "But that would just be silly. I mean, why would guys react like that to me, but not to the other beautiful girls in town? I mean, they're not on my level, I grant you, but..."

"That's what I'd like to know." Amelia replied, nearly grumbling, "When did you first notice guys reacting like this to you?"

"About when I was sixteen." Minerva replied, trying to remember, "I'm not sure what the date was, though. I just figured things changed as you got older. They do, you know."

"Thank you for your time." Amelia replied icily as she straightened up and started to walk away, leaving Minerva feeling genuinely confused.

* * *

"Blast it!" Amelia exclaimed, mere moments after she was out of earshot of Minerva's house, "I don't know how it happened, but this Mink has strength on an irritating level. I have to put a stop to this, and to her, if I want the others to continue taking me seriously!"

Soon, Amelia had reached out with her power and seized control of the physical reality that surrounded her, causing the tree closest to Minerva's house to start tipping over. Just then, however, a nearby squirrel (clearly a male) pulled out a tremendous bugle and began playing loudly and well, and Minerva was out of her house in moments to seek the source of the music, just as the tree came down on her house with a crash.

"Aah!" the mink screamed in desperation, "My house! I worked so hard decorating it too! This is a disaster! Oh, well, in a week, it'll all be fixed up. I suppose I can always stay with a friend until it's fixed."

"No!" Amelia exclaimed from nearby, "You're not getting away from me!"

As she said that, the waters of the pond near Minerva's house swelled up, and Minerva exclaimed in worry "Help! This dress isn't for swimming!"

However, as Amelia watched in shock and awe, about a hundred frogs and three crocodiles, all of them male, swept up underneath Minerva to carry her, carefully and steadily, to a higher hill, but Amelia wasn't finished!

"No you don't!" she remarked angrily, causing the ground to split open with a gesture. The animals, however, dared not disappoint their beloved Mink, holding onto one another, and forming a living chain, that bridged the gap across the small chasm. Minerva walked briskly, but unhurriedly to the other end of the chasm on the backs of the animals, and they never let go, as if hypnotized by her. Amelia was close to pulling out her hair by that point, but she'd arrived at a decision. She was going to flatten the mink in the only way that truly proved her superiority; a duel.

In only a moment, Amelia was standing right in front of Minerva, her eyes ablaze with a furious fire, and she exclaimed, "You've got some nerve, Mink!"

"Did I do something... wrong?" Minerva asked slowly.

"Did you do something wrong?" Amelia shouted, "You're moving in on my territory, sister!"

"That's silly." Minerva replied, "I can't be doing that. I don't even know what you do for a living."

In just that moment, however there was a blinding flash of light, and "Amelia" was standing before Minerva with gorgeous, gleaming, white robes all over her.

"I am Aphrodite!" she exclaimed, "Goddess of love! You have acquired some of my power somehow, and I will put a stop to this!"

"Love?" Minerva asked, "I can't even find a dreamy hunk to squeeze. What kind of love is that?"

"You don't even understand what love is!" Aphrodite exclaimed, "That's it! I challenge you to a duel!"

Then, there was another blinding flash of light, and Minerva found herself on a mountaintop.

* * *

Of course, it was no ordinary mountaintop. It had many peaks, and seemed to drift off into infinity below, to a place where clouds surrounded its base. On each peak of the mountain was a structure of a very grand and beautiful-looking sort, seemingly intended to be used as temples to the various gods of the mountain they were on; Olympus.

"Now, then." Aphrodite said as soon as she had Minerva's attention, "There are two round stones made of gold on the other side of the central mountain of Olympus. Whoever can get to them, get one and bring it back here first wins in the duel. If you win, you can move onto another challenge, but if I win, your life and powers become mine to do with as I please. Do you understand?"

"Um, listen." Minerva replied, "Is there any way I can sort of get you to just fix the damage you did down there and let me get back to my old life?"

"NO!" exclaimed Aphrodite, "But if you pass twelve challenges in a row, the law of Olympus says that you must be admitted as a goddess."

"Oh..." Minerva seemed to have mixed feelings about the idea, but then she spoke again.

"This dress isn't really any good for running..." she said, so Aphrodite blinked, and in a moment, Minerva was wearing robes similar to Aphrodite's own.

"Now there'll be no doubt about who's the best." the love goddess declared, "Are you ready?"

"I suppose so." Minerva yawned, casting a glance behind herself as she did so.

Aphrodite was off like a shot, and in moments, she was completely out of sight, then Minerva turned around to see about three dozen centaurs fixated upon her, and spoke slowly, and with many short blinks, "I'll give a great big kiss to whoever gets that stone back here first..."

At once, all of Olympus was filled with the pounding of hooves, but as it turned out, Minerva was spared from kissing a centaur. The one who retrieved the golden ball for her was far faster than any of them, and had obviously learned of her offer since it was, after all, his job to detect and carry messages about all sorts of things.

"Thank you." Minerva said as she kissed Hermes on the cheek to thank him for his help, causing him to pass out on the mountainside. Then Minerva started to head up the central mountain. She had someone she wanted to visit.

* * *

When Minerva came back, she could see both golden balls lying next to one another, with Aphrodite nearby furious and panting.

"Are you okay?" Minerva asked, "I've been visiting a friend, while I waited for..."

"Shut up." Aphrodite replied sternly, "The next challenge will be more than you can handle. You have to prove you can defend yourself in battle by subduing a team of mighty warriors faster than I can."

"Alright." Minerva replied, and suddenly found herself faced with a collection of men in Greek armor, led by one with particularly broad shoulders, and a thick, full beard.

"That poor fool." Aphrodite thought, "She can never win. The one at their head is Ares; God of War. I only have mortals to fight, but she is mortal. There's no way she can subdue a God!"

For half an hour, Aphrodite did battle with the warriors she'd summoned for that purpose, distracting them on occasion by confusing their feelings to gain the upper hand, but after thirty-seven minutes, every last one was defeated.

"There." Aphrodite said, "Now let's see how yo... GAH!"

The sight that met her eyes was unbelievable! All of the men in the troupe ordered to attack Minerva were still quite conscious, but tied up and sitting on the grass, as if it was all they'd ever wanted to do, and each of them had a bit of lipstick on their cheeks, including Ares. Minerva was nowhere in sight.

It took seven more minutes for Minerva to return, but when she did, she smiled at Aphrodite.

"Sorry." she said, "I paid another visit to my friend while you were fighting. You were going so slow, I figured it would take a lot longer than it di..."

"HOW DID..." Aphrodite took a moment to fill her own soul with love, in order to calm herself, then asked, only a little more calmly, "How did you subdue all of those warriors so fast?"

"Oh, you just have to ask them REALLY nice." Minerva replied, winking at Aphrodite, causing many of the warriors in the rope to blush, "Why, they practically tied themselves up."

At once, all the warriors vanished, and Aphrodite was ready for another challenge.

Again and again, Aphrodite posed challenges to Minerva, such as taming a giant wild boar, which practically turned to putty in her hands, and moving a five thousand pound cement block to the other side of the mountain, which Heracles happily did when she asked him 'really nice.' Aphrodite was furious with everything that went on as Minerva passed her sixth challenge and entered the seventh.

* * *

"Alright!" Aphrodite exclaimed, red in the face by that point, "Show me you have the power that no other mortal has. Stand on top of Mount Olympus' highest peak."

Of course, Aphrodite knew it was a fool's errand. No mortal could stand on the top of Olympus. It would mean armageddon for her to succeed, and she would need a force of men and monsters numbering in the hundreds of thousands, but Minerva just smiled, and said "I thought you'd never ask."

"I'll be right back!" she called back to Aphrodite as she began the long walk up the central mountain, to the temple of the god king Zeus. Aphrodite snickered as she did so.

Minerva was out of sight in about five minutes, then for half an hour, there was no word from her, but then, Aphrodite could see her coming back, as strange storm clouds began to spread across Olympus from the temple of Zeus. In five more minutes, Minerva had reached Aphrodite, and the storm clouds covered most of Olympus.

"I'm back!" Minerva exclaimed with a smile, "Gee, that was easy. Fun too. By the way, the big guy would like to talk to you. Something about leaving me alone or some such thing. I don't know. I wasn't paying attention. Come to think of it..." at that, she took on a sly expression, "...I don't really think he was either."

Then, with a mischievous smirk, Minerva walked right past Aphrodite, who fell to the ground, with tears flowing freely from her eyes, and facing the sky, screamed in pain and rage, as a lightning bolt engulfed them both...

* * *

Minerva awoke in bed, in her own log house, which was restored to the state it had been in on the previous day, and she couldn't help but smile. It seemed like it had all been a dream. Oh, well. It was nice to have good dreams on occasion, and her life as a mere mortal wasn't all that bad. She just needed to find a way to make love work FOR her, instead of against her. Quickly, Minerva got dressed, brushed her hair, and opened a few windows, when she heard a creaking noise from outside, and rushed to the front door of her house just in time, as the very same tree came down, crushing her home again.

Then, just as Minerva exited the house, she bumped into a brown-haired woman in robes, whose eyes shone with power and rage.

"I am Hera; wife of Zeus," the woman exclaimed, "and you should have stayed away from my husband."

Minerva sighed, blowing a strand of hair into its proper position, then muttered "Here we go again..."

The End

* * *

Well, thank you for the reviews. It's quite an ego-boost to know people are enjoying my stuff. Actually, I love supernatural monsters as well as tales of the gods of old, so you can expect to see some stuff about them later on (before I stop writing these stories, if I ever do.)

This story was a little out-there, but then, the Warner Brothers have taken on the Grim Reaper, Satan and Jerry Lewis, so why not have Minerva butt heads with Aphrodite? Made perfect sense to me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this issue, and will stay tuned for tomorrow's, about bets made, chances blown, and one of many possible resolutions to the conflict between Newt and Minerva (though it won't end their feud at all, I suspect.)

Also, from now on, my intention will be to end each story with a short blurb BY Minerva about the upcoming tales, much like the "next time" bits at the end of an anime or soap opera. It wouldn't work in book format, but these stories are really very episodic, and I'm eager to try it out, to see how it works.

Peace and love, all.

-Bra1n1ac-


	8. Issue 8: Blonde Firecracker

Minktales

Issue 8

"Blonde Firecracker"

Minerva Mink was sunbathing peacefully next to the pond that her log house overlooked, much to the good cheer of the local male animals, who all seemed to be transforming into explosive devices in reply. Minerva smiled as it happened around her, creating a series of loud pops and crackles around the lake as she lay there on her lawn chair, with a portable mirror and sunglasses to shield her delicate eyes from the bright light of the early July sun, but just then, she heard someone approaching along the grass from her left, and got up to see that it was Newt.

"Oh, not again." Minerva muttered, going back to her sunbathing, "It's too good a day for that."

Newt approached to within a few feet of her, and at first, she thought that he was wearing sunglasses too, but when she got a closer look at them, it wasn't hard to see that they were just regular glasses with the lenses painted black. There was no way Newt could even see with them on, which, when Minerva thought about it, was most likely the intent. Newt probably wanted to keep Minerva's stunning good looks from hypnotizing him again.

"I am back, Miss Mink." Newt said sternly.

"Oh, don't call me Miss Mink. It makes me sound like a librarian." Minerva complained.

"No. No requests this time." Newt replied, "This time I mean to bring your fur back to my master."

"You always do, don't you?" Minerva asked, raising the mirror an inch or so and tilting it another few degrees.

"You don't understand." Newt replied, "I'm talking about a wager. If you win, I never bother you again, but if I win..."

"I'm not interested in being skinned, or even shaved, thank you." Minerva replied, still not looking at him.

"But surely, there must be something you want." Newt replied, "Something you'd give the very fur on your back to have."

For a few seconds, Minerva didn't reply, then one of her eyebrows seemed to raise a bit, then a bit more. At last, she got up, put the mirror under her chair, and took off her sunglasses, looking at Newt directly, even though he still couldn't see her.

"Alright." she said, "You want to know what I want more than anything else? I want to be pursued by a guy of incredible good looks. Someone masculine and cool; a dream come true with a stylish haircut. The most handsome man I've ever met. I'd go with him to the ends of the world. I'd hold him and never let him go. You'd HAVE to skin me, just to get me to release him."

Then, picking up her mirror and folding chair, Minerva said "Find a hunting dog who's a dream boat, and get him to come pick me up. Then if he follows you, so will I. Deal?"

"My dear mink, I'll do better than that." Newt replied with a sly grin, "I will personally make myself that dream boat of yours. I will be more beautiful to you than any man you have ever seen, and then you will come with me. Do we have a deal?"

As he said that, Newt stretched out his hand to shake.

For a moment, Minerva looked at his outstretched hand, then said, "Yes. We have a deal. I'm holding off on taking your hand, though, until you actually follow through on your end."

Then, Minerva left to return to her log house, and Newt smiled mischievously. With his knowledge of disguises, impersonating a true hunk would be no problem at all.

* * *

By mid-morning, Newt had finished a simple disguise, made of string for hair, inflatable muscles, and a stretchy shirt. He wasn't wearing his opaque glasses anymore, but they would have done little to help anyway. Minerva was sitting on a rock, overlooking the pond, and reading a book called "Influencing Men for Fun and Profit."

Newt approached to within a few feet of Minerva, but without even looking at him, she said "Sorry, Newt. The nose is still too big. Plus, you look lumpy, and your hair looks like a mop. I was hoping for something more along the lines of shiny, soft hair, and defined, tough features."

So, Newt stormed off to try something new.

* * *

In later attempts, Newt was wearing his glasses when he got close, but if anything, Minerva sort of thought the glasses were cute, so she didn't count them against his final score. Early attempts were all very Newt-like; the sort of thing one imagines a very attractive hunting dog should look like superficially, but he didn't understand how to iron out the details. However, as the afternoon wore on, Newt started to become more and more clever in his disguises, with even a mask of sorts, an authentic-looking wig and a muscle-suit that actually looked like real muscles, and every time he appeared, the quality of the ingredients were more and more convincing, although it would be too much to say they were attractive; at least at first. By noon, however, Minerva was starting to regret making that bet with Newt, not because she was afraid she might lose, but because it was becoming harder and harder to be sure that the next person popping out the bushes to introduce himself wasn't, in fact, Newt in disguise.

* * *

Minerva watered the flowers on one of her windowsills, while humming a little tune to herself when a reasonably attractive-looking dog walked forward out of the bushes and rested one hand on the wall of Minerva's house.

"Hello." he said, "You must be Minerva. I'm..."

"The nose still needs work, Newt." she said, stepping back into the house to refill her watering can.

* * *

At 1:30 PM, it started to get hot, so Minerva closed the windows, and turned on her new air conditioner, then decided to have a fruit juice before tampering with her eyeshadow, but just as she'd finished pouring the fruit juice into a glass, the doorbell rang, and she found another moderately-attractive guy standing there.

"Look, Newt." she said, getting a little stern by that point, "It just isn't working. The hair is the wrong style and your arm muscles are on backwards. Give it a rest, alright?"

Then she closed the door in his face.

* * *

At 3 PM, Minerva came back from a short jog, to find someone who actually looked quite attractive pacing back and forth in front of her house, but by that point, she was fed up.

"I thought I said to quit it, Newt. Stop doing this. You're only embarrassing yourself. The arms are the wrong size, and the nose still needs to be a size smaller."

The somewhat attractive Newt then ambled back into the woods again.

* * *

However, at 4 PM, Minerva bumped into someone who looked absolutely stunning, and for the first time in her life, she was infuriated by that.

"Hi." he said in a charmingly boyish voice, "Name's Mark. I'm new in the neighbo..."

"STOP IT NEWT!" Minerva screamed, leaping onto the boy's chest, and grabbing him by the lapels of his leather jacket, "No more! When I say no, you're a failure, that means you've failed! Now get lost!"

Immediately, however, the guy pushed her off his broad chest, and somehow managed to fold his arms over it.

"Geez, I had no idea people got offended so easily in this neck of the woods. Alright, fine. Don't introduce yourself. I can't believe people in town thought you were attractive."

Then, Mark stormed off, slugging one tree on the way, and Minerva watched in shock and horror as a spacious crack formed in the trunk, and much of the tree fell into the pond, scattering distracted animals of both genders.

"N...No!" Minerva exclaimed, "That wasn't Newt! That was a real hunk! I just chewed him out for no reason! AAAARGH! I am SOOOO going to kill Newt the next time he shows his big-nosed face!"

* * *

At dusk, Newt did just that, looking sad and disappointed as he approached Minerva's house without even the slightest hint of a disguise. Immediately, Minerva opened her front door, both usually-delicate hands clenched into fists, ready to pound the tar out of her pursuer at a moment's notice, but the last couple of hours had given her a little time to cool down. Not enough, but some.

"Well?" she barked, "Anything to say for yourself?"

"I went about that the wrong way." Newt said aloud, straightening up, but still not daring to look Minerva directly in the eyes, "Your standards of beauty are so high, I could never simulate them with any disguise. I apologize for trying."

Minerva looked a little confused.

"Are you giving up?" she asked, unclenching her fists.

Newt shook his head sadly.

"There are things about people more beautiful than big muscles and shiny hair, and that's what you need to see! I'm going to show you that I can be beautiful too!"

Before she could react, Newt had reached up and kissed Minerva right on the lips. Her heart beat faster, more with rage than anything else, as she felt Newt's huge nose press up between her eyes, and disturb the fur she'd worked so hard to arrange, but one thought entered her mind that she had neither expected nor desired.

"Huh." she thought, "He's not a bad kisser. Not bad, but... certainly not more beautiful than anyone I've ever seen. Guess he loses."

However, as Newt backed away quickly, trembling all over, he looked Minerva straight in the eyes again, and she looked directly into his, and although it had little impact on her, the sight sent Newt's already-trembling body into seismic tremors! In moments, he'd transformed into a huge rocket, and was off like a shot into the sky, where, moments later, a massive, multicolored explosion filled the darkening sky! A hundred brilliant colors shot off in all directions from the place the Newt-rocket had vanished, and after it, a hundred other, smaller rockets and fireworks shot up into the sky, but none of them compared to the brilliant Newt-explosion that was still continuing, forming the words "I Love U Minerva" in the sky, in letters of fire, that didn't even begin to fade for several seconds.

"EEHAWOW!" Minerva exclaimed, as she looked up in wonder at the sky. It was the most beautiful...

But there, she stopped her train of thought. It was beautiful, yes. But Newt wouldn't have to know that. As the firework faded, she looked at the newspaper still lying on her doorstep. July 4th? Yes. That had been a beautiful firework indeed.

So, Minerva returned to her home, and a very charred Newt returned to his master that night, with nothing to show for his latest attempt, except, as usual, multiple injuries and a lot of black soot. Neither he nor Minerva really won their bet on that day, and when faced with one another in the future, they would each complain that the other had failed on a technicality, but in the privacy of their thoughts, each knew they'd won out in the end.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Hi, Mink fans. Hope you're as tired of Newt as I am, because he's not gonna be a big part of my life for the next few issues. Now that we're done with all those silly, emotional hang-ups, guess what? I'm about to find a guy who captivates me, and hypnotizes me into spending hours on end with him. Problem is, he's a guy in a video game! Next time on Minktales, so don't miss it!"


	9. Issue 9: Love of the Game

Minktales

Issue 9

"Love of the Game"

All through the city, rapid response teams consisting of the women working for the police and fire departments were deployed, as female ambulance workers took action to determine who would recover on their own, and who'd hit their heads too hard on the way down, and needed treatment. Throughout various sections of the city in a line, men and boys were losing their concentration, rapidly falling to the ground, and making mistakes in what they were doing, which sometimes led to emergencies in that town. Of course, the city had contingency plans for that sort of thing, as it had been happening off and on for several years, so there weren't any casualties or very serious injuries, but everyone in town knew what the phenomenon meant. Minerva Mink was out shopping with her friends again.

Trudy and Genevieve walked alongside Minerva on either side, their own brown tails swishing back and forth and they walked. They never got much attention when Minerva was around, but in their modern lives, they'd come to accept that as simply being the price one paid for being the famous Mink's best friends.

"Look! Gordy and Timmy's new shoe line!" Genevieve exclaimed.

"Meh. I have five pairs at home." Minerva remarked casually.

"What about these watches?" Trudy asked, pointing to some wristwatches in a store window.

"Who needs to keep time that carefully?" Minerva asked back.

"Oh, boy!" Genevieve exclaimed, "The new 'Land of Lerin' game is out! I gotta have it!"

For a moment, Minerva and Trudy both looked at her as if she had three heads.

At last, Minerva said "I don't DO video games. The joysticks muss up my nail polish."

"Yeah. You probably couldn't hack it anyway." Genevieve remarked as she turned back from the window.

Minerva wasn't stupid. She knew it was reverse psychology; she just didn't care.

"Alright," she said, pulling a card out of her bright green purse, "you want to see what I can do?"

* * *

"Land of Lerin," as it turned out, was an adventure game about a cute guy whose job it was to save the princess and rescue the kingdom from harm. Standard stuff for an adventure game, except that that one could be played by up to four players, playing as similar characters.

When Minerva and the others got to Genevieve's house, they all played the game together for about fifteen minutes, after which Trudy decided she was tired and went to the fridge to get a fruit juice. Genevieve kept playing for several minutes more, trying to beat Minerva, but her character in the game seemed to really be working hard to keep from disappointing her, just like every other guy in Minerva's life. At last, Minerva got to the end of the first level, and defeated the huge monster she found there, throwing both hands up in the air, and cheering in victory as Genevieve was still trying to get past the pit in the center of the level's fifth room.

"How'd you get your guy to jump that high?" Genevieve complained.

"I told him I thought he was cute." Minerva replied, laying the game controller on her lap, and stopping to fix her lipstick, "Games aren't that different from real life, I guess."

"I give up." Genevieve replied, dropping the controller to the floor in disappointment, "You're way too good at this. Ready to call it quits, Minerva?"

"In a minute," Minerva replied, "I think Mister Lerin and I are getting a little rapport going here."

* * *

As it turned out, Minerva was on the game for far more than a minute, blazing easily through three more levels by eight o'clock in the evening, and she just kept going.

"Minerva..." Genevieve muttered, "Trudy left an hour ago. Don't you think you ought to go back home?"

"In a minute. In a minute." Minerva replied, "I just met the princess. I'll bet she's the one who gets to kiss him at the end..."

Minerva kept going, passing a couple more levels, until it was ten thirty, at which point Genevieve woke up, descended from her upstairs bedroom, and in minutes, Minerva found herself landing on her backside, as Genevieve's front door slammed shut behind her.

"Alright! Fine!" Minerva exclaimed indignantly from her position on the pavement, "I can get my own tomorrow!"

At that point, Minerva Mink stormed back to her house and got into bed, and her dreams were full of power potions and magic gemstones.

The following day, Minerva called up an old friend, who she'd known in college, and made a request.

"Mister Hamamito? Yes, it's Minerva."

"YAHOO!" screamed the phone, so that it leapt into the air from Minerva's hand, forcing her to catch it again.

"Yes. Nice to hear from you too." Minerva replied into the telephone in a hurry, "Listen, I know I've never expressed an interest before, but... no. No, nothing like that. Actually, I wanted to know if you could send me a special shipment of that video game system that just came out, and the new 'Land of Lerin' game. Sure. Sure, that'll be fine. Oh, you can handle that part. Sure thing. Thanks. Luv ya."

Then, Minerva hung up, and in literally moments, there was a ring at her doorbell, and she opened the door just long enough to grab the package that rested on her front step, and yank it inside.

* * *

Minerva had to go into town, of course, to find someone who could help her set the system up, and after giving him a playful wink as reward, and nudging him out the door (as he recited the usual "hominahominahomina,") she picked up the controller and started playing. All day she played, and into the night. She couldn't stop herself. The mystery of that cute guy Lerin and his quest to save his beloved was too enticing, and soon, it was the morning of the next day, and she'd gotten through level six, and was well on her way to the castle in the center of the land, but she was starting to get hungry. Putting the game on pause, Minerva Mink rushed to the fridge, and quickly made herself a sandwich with meat, then hurried back to the game.

As Minerva passed level seven, she found she was thirsty, so she grabbed a canned fruit juice from the fridge, and dove back into the world of the game again.

However, as soon as she reached the boss enemy of level seven, Minerva heard her doorbell ring, and stepped irritably to the door to answer it. Newt was standing in the doorway, looking stern, but as soon as she saw him, Minerva said blandly "Not now" and closed the door on his nose.

By five o'clock in the afternoon, Minerva had gotten to the start of level nine, when her doorbell rang again, and she opened the door once more, to see Wilford Wolf on the other side.

"Minerva..." he said in his usual, nasally voice.

Still, even though Minerva knew full well that it was a full moon night, she just said "Can'ttalkbusybye!"

Then, the obsessed mink slammed the door, and rushed back to the game.

* * *

Finally, after nearly two days of nonstop play, Minerva Mink reached the end of level ten and vanquished the main boss, saving the princess. As Lerin moved closer to the princess, she smiled and said "Thank you, Lerin. Because of you, the land is at peace again."

"Yeah!" Minerva exclaimed, thrilled at having won, "Now go ahead! Don't be shy!"

However, in the next few minutes worth of cut scenes, the princess and Lerin just sort of talked, then went their separate ways. Minerva's jaw fell to the floor in shock and dismay.

"Oh, I don't believe this drivel!" Minerva exclaimed in outrage, as she pulled the plug out from the video game, "You mean Lerin saves the whole kingdom and he doesn't even get one lousy smooch? That's it! I'm never going to play another video game again!"

Soon, Minerva was brushing her hands against one another as she walked away from her trash barrel, which still had a video game and game console sticking just slightly out of it, then re-entered her house, and sat down at her vanity, turning the lights on...

Minerva's scream could be heard throughout the whole forest, as she rushed to clean up the mess that her hair had become, and repair her teeth's natural sheen. At last, five days after she'd first played the video game, Minerva was back to her old self. Well-rested, clean, and with immaculate hair, eyes and teeth, and it was then that she chose to make another few calls.

* * *

All through the city, rapid response teams consisting of the women working for the police and fire departments were deployed, as female ambulance workers took action to determine who would recover on their own, and who'd hit their heads too hard on the way down, and needed treatment. Throughout various sections of the city in a line, men and boys were losing their concentration, rapidly falling to the ground, and making mistakes in what they were doing, which sometimes led to emergencies in that town. Of course, the city had contingency plans for that sort of thing, as it had been happening off and on for several years, so there weren't any casualties or very serious injuries, but everyone in town knew what the phenomenon meant. Minerva Mink was out shopping with her friends again.

"So you beat the game?" Genevieve asked in awe, "In just two days? Man, you must have really been on a hot streak."

"It was kinda fun, I guess..." Minerva muttered, "But the princess didn't get to smooch him at the end, or anything, so I threw the game away. I can't believe I blew off a date with Wilford because I was on a virtual escapade."

"Well, it's never going to happen to me again, anyway." Minerva concluded, "No more video games for me. From now on, I'm sticking to books and mascara."

"Speaking of which, the new Larry Chimney book is coming out this week." Genevieve said, "I can't wait to find out how it ends."

"Nah. I don't read adventure book series." Minerva replied.

"Yeah, you might not be able to understand 'em anyway." Genevieve replied, bringing a terrifying gleam into Minerva's eyes.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I'm glad that's over. What a harrowing experience for a poor, lonely Mink to have to face, and I'm sure my video game escapades weren't what most people want to hear. You want to know about what my life was like before I was a beauty queen, right? Well, tough luck. I never talk about the old days to anyo... Hey! Don't touch my high school year book! There's information in there I never wanted anyone to know! Don't tune in for the next Minktales, or at least... keep a lid on it, okay?"

P.S.: The next Minerva tale will be posted in two parts, and although there is some funny stuff in it, it doesn't get really good until part two. Rest assured, though, Minerva's big secret is about to be unveiled, though maybe not to her. Peace and love, all!


	10. Issue 10: The Telltale Yearbook Part 1

Minktales

Issue 10

"The Telltale Yearbook"

Part 1 of 2

For once, there was peace in both the woods and the city surrounding the little pond out in the forest, right next to the log house of Minerva Mink. Normally, people or animals might go wild at the sight of her, whistling, sweating, fainting, or flying into exaggerated wild takes, but on that day, nothing of the sort had happened, and there was a very good reason for that. Minerva Mink had been inside all day.

She wasn't alone, of course. Her best friend Trudy was in her log house with her, helping Minerva to go through some old junk she'd found in the closets and back rooms of her home. As Minerva had expected, none of it belonged to her parents, but she was sure she'd have to throw much of it out anyway, because of how old and useless it was. Most of the things were old toys, books or games she'd used as a child, and the few things she might have found useful were in disrepair.

As Trudy sifted through a box of old, tattered drapes, she spoke to Minerva (who was sifting through another box) from across the room.

"I don't think I've ever seen drapes this old, except at my grandmother's place. When did you buy them?"

"Right after mother moved away." Minerva replied, dumping large parts of her box in one of many garbage cans lining the side of the room, and picking up another box from the stacks nearby, "Most of this stuff is from around that time. I think the youngest thing in these boxes is probably five years old."

"Did your mother ever clean up like this?" Trudy asked, curiously, "Or do you remember?"

Minerva gave her a short, thoughtless glance, but replied, "Mother never did much cleaning... No, wait." at that, Minerva stopped what she was doing, taking a moment to call up an old memory, "She did clean house once, just the week before father left."

"Why do you think she only cleaned the house once?" Trudy asked, curious on that point, "I clean my place every week."

"Well, mother never liked cleaning." Minerva replied, sitting down and opening the box she'd just retrieved, "She sort of thought a little dust made things look presentable. She had the biggest collection of antique pots and jars from all different countries I've ever seen, and they always had dust all over them. It was disgusting. Metal ones, glass ones, ceramic ones, and all of them dusty and ugly-looking. I'm glad she took them all with her when she left."

"But why would she clean them if she didn't want them clean?" Trudy asked, "I have a cousin who's a collector like that, and he'd never dust any of his trophies."

"Well, that's sort of my fault." Minerva said with a short smile, "It'd been my sixteenth birthday the night before, and I'd spent the whole time complaining about how we had the ugliest house in town. I guess she just got tired of it."

The two girls chuckled over that for a moment as Trudy pushed aside more ancient drapes and found something distinctly non-drape-like at the bottom of the box. Slowly, she removed it, and pushing aside the drapes that had covered it, found it to be, to her surprise, a yearbook.

"Found a yearbook." Trudy muttered, tossing it aside.

"College." Minerva said with a smile, "The first time I can remember having real, solid fun. That was when they made me a college football cheerleader. You know, some of those football games; the ones my team; the muskrats played, are still on record as some of the longest football games ever played by over an hour."

"No, this one's a high school yearbook." Trudy replied, only half paying attention. However, Minerva was at attention at once, her every hair standing on end as she dropped all the items she'd been sifting through, and rushed to grab the book from the floor next to Trudy, then clutched it carefully to her chest, with a look of suspicious fear in her eyes.

"Don't look at it!" Minerva exclaimed in alarm, causing Trudy to snap to attention as well, and piquing her curiosity.

"Huh?" Trudy asked, "Why not? I let you look at my high school year books."

"I said NO!" Minerva exclaimed back, but then she seemed to relax just a little, as she carefully put the book in one of the garbage cans, and continued, "I didn't know you back then, and... well, let's just say that not everyone was as pretty in high school as they are now, alright?"

Then, as if to finish matters, Minerva clamped the garbage can lid down over the yearbook, and went back to sifting through her box.

"It's alright, Minerva." Trudy replied, sitting back down to her own box, "I won't look."

* * *

It was hours of work, taking well into the evening, but at last, Trudy and Minerva finished sifting through the boxes, and put about a dozen trash barrels outside to be picked up later by the garbage men. Minerva thanked Trudy cordially as they were about to part ways.

"Do you ever think about your mother?" Trudy asked. Clearly, the question was an unwelcome one to Minerva, however.

"No." she said, "I always try not to think about my folks. They were both so selfish and unsympathetic to my problems. Things really picked up when they moved away."

"What about when your mother cleaned the house just because you wanted her to?" Trudy asked, "Wasn't that nice?"

"She always knew I wanted her to." Minerva muttered, "But she never took me seriously when I was younger. Look, my mother only cared about her jar collection, and that's that. I'd rather not talk about it anymore."

That, Trudy realized, really was that. Soon, the two wished each other good night, and Trudy started for home, but just as she did, she heard a clanking sound from the garbage cans, and spun around to see a raccoon racing for the woods. Trudy contemplated breaking her word at that moment, but instead, turned and headed for home again. However, she hadn't gone more than five feet, when a huge wind kicked up around her, and she heard the clattering of one of the garbage cans on the ground. In the kind of luck that could only happen in a cartoon, one thing fell out of the garbage can at her very feet. It was the yearbook she'd been warned not to look at.

"Don't do it." her conscience warned her, "Minerva's your best friend. She trusts you."

"But if you don't look now," chided the little devil on her other shoulder, "You'll never get to find out what she looked like in high school. Aren't you curious?"

Trudy debated silently with herself for several seconds, but then, another gust of wind started to blow the yearbook further away, and Trudy grabbed it in the same impulse that had aided her in a hundred scourings of the local shopping malls, and with the book in her hand, she couldn't resist any longer. She had to know.

Quickly, Trudy opened the yearbook to one of the last pages, and there, she found a picture of Minerva standing next to her bright red convertible; having become the youngest person in town to own a car. There was a brief blurb about how she'd visited the mayor, the dealerships and the district of motor vehicles, to "convince" them that it was not only alright for her to legally own property of that sort at age sixteen, but also to petition for several other rights for sixteen-year-olds, none of which, however, went through, probably because Minerva had lost interest in them, Trudy thought. In her experience, Minerva's captivating beauty usually got her something if she wanted it badly enough. However, she was very surprised by the picture, because Minerva was... She was...

She was absolutely beautiful, just as always. In fact, even after years, Minerva didn't look a day older than she had in that high school picture. The end of the blurb about Minerva included a quote intended to express her feelings about owning a car.

"My mother used to tell me that things change really quick when you get to be a teenager. Thanks for the tip, mom!"

Trudy was sure she was missing part of the puzzle. If Minerva had been so beautiful in high school, why had she insisted on keeping the yearbook a secret? Why had she thrown it away? Trudy was about to put it back in the garbage, when another gust of wind blew more pages back, to reveal the class photo pages in black and white, and after wrestling with herself for a brief time, Trudy decided to find Minerva's picture there.

However, Trudy skimmed through the pages for several minutes, sitting down on a nearby rock as she did so, with no real results. Minerva's picture wasn't in the book, as if she'd never been a student at Muskrat Hill High.

By then, though, Trudy knew there was a mystery somewhere in the pages of that old book, and finding it irresistible, she went back over each and every photo, reading the names under the photographs, and it was a good thing she did, because that was how she found the photograph labeled "Minerva Mink," and she gasped in shock and horror at the picture above that name, and the brief vital statistic information included about her height, weight and fur color. Trudy would never have imagined it was possible.

* * *

Minerva Mink had just turned sixteen that morning. It was her birthday, and she recalled with great clarity the fight she'd had with her mother the night before. Every word still echoed in her mind.

"You'll never be satisfied with anything!" Her mother had exclaimed.

"Why should I be satisfied?" Minerva had yelled back, "I have the ugliest house in town, the ugliest old jar collection in my living room, the ugliest life, and you know what? It fits, because I'm the ugliest girl in school, so I'm sorry for being unhappy, mother! I really am. I just wish, just once, something about my life could be really, really beautiful. If I had that, then you could come down on me for being unsatisfied!"

Minerva Mink was four feet, six inches tall, had an inky blackish-brown fur coat, with patches of white, and weighed about two hundred and forty-five pounds. Her cheeks puffed out like a squirrel's, and her face was covered in freckles. She was exaggerating a bit to say that she was the ugliest girl in school, but it didn't feel that way when she got up and looked in the mirror on the morning after her birthday. Ugly wasn't something she measured in degrees.

Still, Minerva Mink did have one advantage at school, and while it didn't keep the other girls in Muskrat Hill High from picking on her, it did at least ensure that they got what was coming to them. Minerva Mink was savvy and very, very bright. She could see through a lie in a second flat, and a plan to embarrass her right away, and every time she used her savvy thinking to outwit a potential attacker on the schoolyard, she'd take it in stride, enjoying the appreciation by all the other very young or ugly kids in sight, even as she reveled, on some level, in the frustration of the beautiful girls.

In her heart, though, Minerva Mink had only one longing, and that was to become one of them. Not just one of them, however; the best of them. Minerva wanted to be a girl so beautiful she could make almost any man fall instantly in love with her at a moment's notice. It was a dream she had, and even though she knew it could never come true, she still found the dream to be comforting in her deepest moments of self-consciousness.

To be Continued...

* * *

Well, if you think that's a shocker, stay tuned for the next Minktales. Minerva's big secret is only starting to unfold, and I'm sure she doesn't want you to know about it.

P.S. To celebrate this being the tenth consecutive issue of Minktales, I've changed the paragraph format of all the chapters. Enjoy. I also thought I'd mention that, in case you hadn't figured it out already, the title of this fanfic is a sort of parody/homage to Ducktales; the Disney cartoon specializing in overall adventure in just about any scenario, place or time imaginable, which I dearly loved as a kid. Peace and love, all!


	11. Issue 11: The Telltale Yearbook Part 2

Minktales

Issue 11

"The Telltale Yearbook"

Part 2 of 2

When Minerva left the house that morning, she saw her mother doing something she'd never done before. She was cleaning her collection of pots and jars. However, although Minerva connected the act with her complaints of the night before, she didn't draw much joy from it. After all, her mother loved those old jars, and it might have been as much a statement of love for them as for her hideous daughter, Minerva thought as she stepped out the door to the school bus.

As Minerva got on the bus and took her seat, a pretty girl chipmunk on one side of the bus, who always seemed to be surrounded by her friends, took aim with an arrow at Minerva's back, out of sight of the bus driver, and fired. Minerva, who was already seated, bent over to tie her shoes, causing the seat she was in to shake slightly, and the arrow to bounce off one of the exposed springs that seats of that sort invariably have, bouncing off the ceiling after that, then the floor of the bus, then right through the girl chipmunk's left shoe, catching her in the toe, and causing her to yelp in pain, leaping upward and banging her head on the roof of the bus.

"Hey, keep it down back there!" the bus driver warned, and soon they were at the school grounds.

By the time they all got off the bus, a boy raccoon with a thick tail called Minerva over to a spot next to a tree, his intent being to play what is, for a toon, a mostly-harmless prank.

"Hey, Minerva. Over here." the boy, whose name was Charles, said, leaning against a nearby tree and giving his fingernails a glance as he did so. Immediately, Minerva headed over in his direction, but stopped several feet from his position, because of what she'd noticed on the ground.

"Oh, boy." she thought sarcastically to herself, "A big X painted on the ground. THAT doesn't look suspicious."

"What is it?" she asked from just outside the range of the X.

"Come over here." Charles said, "I have something to tell you."

"Why don't you come tell me over here?" Minerva asked.

"I asked first." Charles replied smoothly.

"Oh, right." Minerva said, "Sorry. You're absolutely right. You really SHOULD be the one to come over here."

"That's right." Charles remarked smugly, and was halfway across the X before he realized what he was doing. In moments, an anvil-shaped hole had replaced the X, and a very flat disc on legs, which had once been Charles, was strutting off to class in a huff. Minerva stuck her tongue out at him as he left, then quickly went to her own first class.

By midday, Minerva had dodged several dozen would-be traps with ease and style, and had gotten her picture taken for the school yearbook, but there was one thing she knew she couldn't dodge or overcome, and that was the fact that she still looked like a big ball of fuzz with freckles all over her face. That was a detriment, because it had always been one of her dreams to become a cheerleader, and the tryouts were that very day, just after lunch.

* * *

Lunch, for Minerva Mink, was three apple slices and a meat sandwich. As she finished off the apple slices, and was halfway through the sandwich, however, she could feel a strange trembling building up inside of her, as if she were about to spew, and on impulse, rushed to the little mink's room, but as it turned out, no spewing was involved.

The restroom had a series of sinks and potties on opposite sides, and on the side with the sinks was a tremendous mirror at least two yards across and one tall, which hung over all the sinks collectively. It was in that mirror that Minerva Mink witnessed the most incredible sight she'd ever seen.

She thought that it was a trick of the light, at first, but looking at herself in the mirror, Minerva could have sworn that her fur looked less bushy, and her body more slender, though not to the point of being bony. Her cheeks had definitely become smaller, and as she watched the mirror in absolute terror of what was happening to her, her cheeks shrunk down from big, puffed-out affairs, into small, furry things that only puffed just slightly, and only when seen from a certain angle. Her body changed shape, becoming taller and more shapely, and the loose t-shirt she had on started to sag around her, then she truly screamed as the color of her coat began to change; her white patches of fur growing larger and larger, until they covered her whole body, and she was still screaming as her eyes took on a twist to the ends, and a full, lush head and tail of golden hair grew to surround her ears, which were finally visible as cute, little mink ears, standing up on top of her head diagonally.

For several more seconds, Minerva continued to scream, as she felt the workings of her body continuing to change, her hands and feet becoming soft, slender and delicate, but then the changing stopped. The final change had felt, during the process, like the biggest one, however, as Minerva felt some kind of invisible force that had moved around her for her whole life, and it was suddenly moving away from her rapidly, as if being forced out by typhoon blasts, and although she wasn't sure what that change was, as it didn't appear in the mirror, she had a feeling it was significant.

Minerva's screams didn't die down. They didn't stop. They didn't start to fade. However, as she sat on the bathroom floor in her loose-fitting t-shirt, watching her reflection in the mirror, every last freckle gone, her screams began to transform into merely loud exclamations of "uh..." then "huh" then "heh."

"Heh. Heh. Heh heh heh. AH-HAHAHAHA!" Minerva was laughing rapturously as she stared as her gorgeous reflection, the once none-too-comforting words of her mother going through her head as she did so; "Things change real quickly when you get to be a teenager, honey. Give it time."

Minerva was awed and delighted beyond words by what a stunningly beautiful young woman she'd transformed into in mere moments. At first, she thought it must be a dream, or a trick by one of the students, or else, just something in the food that would wear off later, but what really stunned her was that although she'd become, in seconds, beautiful beyond description, she still looked very much like her old self, facially. The cheeks and the freckles were different, but everything else about her face was the same; the same knowing expression, which had once just looked dorky, had become a depth to her eyes, which sparkled when she turned her incredibly-pretty head.

In less than five minutes, however, Minerva was coming up with ideas for what to do next.

* * *

"Sally, Jenny, Francine." The coach called out names, "You three have what it takes to be top-notch cheerleaders. I've never seen such talent, such pose, such... such... guh... Guguguh..."

The coach had fallen into near-convulsions at the impossible, radiant sight that had burst through the door just then, wearing a loose-fitting t-shirt, but no less beautiful for all that.

"Now, come on, coach." Minerva Mink said, in a voice that even sounded sweeter than before, tapping her fingers against one another, as she spoke with a half-pout on her lips, "I'm sure you have time to look at one more... routine."

* * *

"Minerva Mink purchased the convertible with money given to her as gifts from many students and teachers at school, including her... her new coach, who insisted that she perform as a cheerleader immediately, despite having no prior experience in sporting events." Trudy read softly, by the dim light of the moon, "When later asked why he was so generous, the coach was at a loss to explain, except to remark that Minerva Mink was the most beautiful student he'd ever taught."

"Statistics upon applying to cheer-leading squad... Height five six, weight one hundred eighteen pounds, fur color... Milky white with golden hair and tail. Statistics measured... 2:15 PM... No, that can't be!"

Trudy immediately flipped back to the page with the freckled Minerva, and read off the time and date when the class picture and statistic measurement had been taken. The time was 10:37 AM, but the date was exactly the same. Same day, same month, same year.

The puzzle had only grown deeper than ever as Trudy closed the yearbook and set the garbage can back up, but just then, a stray synapse in her mind picked up just the right combination of information, and connected all the facts in her mind at once. Instantly, she realized just how a person can gain a foot of height, change their fur color, lose over a hundred pounds of weight, and become irresistible to men in a matter of hours or less.

"She had the biggest collection of antique pots and jars from all different countries I've ever seen, and they always had dust all over them."

"Mother never did much cleaning..."

"She did clean house once, just the week before father left."

"Antique pots and jars from all different countries..."

"Cleaning..."

"The week before my father left..."

Trudy hissed with a sharp intake of breath, dropping the yearbook in shock at the explanation she'd just alighted upon. It was too incredible, but... there was no other explanation.

* * *

Just as quickly, more vivid images came into Trudy's mind in a flash. Images of Minerva's mother dusting off one old ceramic pot, then moving on to polishing a metal bottle with a cleaning cloth. As she did so, something happened that caused her to drop the bottle and fall to the floor in surprise. The bottle, which she'd never cleaned before, was trembling, and in a moment, it began to give off smoke from its top, which filled the room in seconds, as a deep, powerful voice like thunder echoed through the house...

* * *

"Her mother..." Trudy muttered, "Oh, Minerva. If only you knew just what a generous woman she was... At least for that moment..."

In seconds, however, Trudy headed off for home again wordlessly, and the year book lay, forgotten, in between two garbage cans, until Trudy was out of sight.

At 12:34 AM, Minerva Mink woke up again, to the sound of the wind rattling her trash cans and rushed downstairs to see if she could do anything about it. It was at that moment that she saw that one of the cans had been blown over, and some of her old junk was spilled out on the edge of the lake, including... the year book!

Minerva quickly hurried to pick it up, and opening the only empty trash can in the nearby area, she dropped the yearbook into it. Then, unwilling to take any more chances, she pulled a black, round, pre-lit, cartoon bomb from behind her back, and dropped it in the can with the yearbook. The explosion rocked her log house as she climbed back into bed, but if nothing else, she slept soundly for the rest of the night.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Phew. I'm glad that yearbook won't be causing me any more problems, because a girl like me already has plenty. For one thing, my new boyfriend Jimmy has invited me to the movies, and although I don't really care what we're going to go see, the experience of movie-going is sure to be a welcome relief. After all, when the lights all dim, nobody can even see me, so at least the stares and distracting behavior will be kept to a minimum... won't it? Next time on Minktales, so don't miss it!"

P.S.: Yes, I added a new paragraph to the chapter. I was a little worried from the start that I was being too vague with Trudy's conclusions, and in a way, I think it looks better with the extra paragraph. I just hope people will still consider it a delicate touch with the new paragraph inserted there…


	12. Issue 12: Out to the Movies

Minktales

Issue 12

"Out to the Movies"

"Bang! Crash! Crumble! Eek! Aargh!"

Large, ferocious-looking shapes moved around on the screen, destroying things, as the sounds of said mayhem reached Minerva's ears, but honestly, ever since her boyfriend Jimmy had passed out in his seat, the evening had turned into a deplorable bore for the lovely Mink.

More than once, she looked at her watch, comparing the length of the movie with how long it had already been running, or looked at the exits, contemplating leaving Jimmy there alone. If she'd given it some thought, she probably would have realized that short of carrying Jimmy out on her back, there wasn't much alternative, which might have put him into a genuine coma, but she sort of wanted to finish the date for once, so she sat there for a few more minutes, before her stomach started to act up. She hadn't had dinner, and it was reminding her, softly but firmly, of that fact as she sat there in the theater. At last, after five minutes more, Minerva arrived at a decision, and got to her feet, keeping her ticket stub within easy reach.

"Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon. 'Scuse me." Minerva said as the theater patrons politely moved aside. Of course, they might not have been so efficient or polite if the lights in the theater had been on, and they'd been able to actually see her. People's reactions tended to differ when they got a good look at Minerva Mink.

One way in which they differed was quite evident, as Minerva left the theater and got into line behind several other customers at the snack and drink counter. For about sixty seconds, she stood there, tapping her foot, drawing the attention of the other customers, but the line just wasn't moving fast enough.

"Excuse me," Minerva said to the man in front of her, who was a brown-haired fellow wearing jeans and a red sweatshirt, "May I go in front of you?"

"WHOA, MOMMA!" the man exclaimed, his eyes instantly expanding to the size of CDs, "For the rest of my life, if ya want!"

"Thanks much." she replied in a sweet, little chirp, as she moved in front of him and addressed the next person in line. For the next fifteen seconds, the line was rearranged, as Minerva Mink made her requests, and the others in line fell behind her in a fashion which could hardly be called orderly, staring, sweating and whistling as she stepped up to the counter, the teenage guy who'd previously been first in line hitting himself over the head with a mallet, as he flopped away from the counter like a fish.

"Pardon me," Minerva said with the utmost politeness, getting worried when she saw that the person manning the counter was a boy, "I'd like a small popcorn, and a box of those cranberry raisins, please."

Instantly, the boy she was facing literally fell to pieces, and the only part of him that remained on the counter was his left hand, which, walking on its fingers, carefully retrieved what Minerva had asked for, before shattering like glass.

"Thank you." Minerva replied with a big smile, putting the money on the counter (she found it useful to carry exact change) and heading back for the theater.

The action sequence that had been going on when Minerva left the theater was still continuing as she sat back down, and started on the cranberry raisins she'd bought. Of course, enough of the movie was over by that point, that she had a feeling she wouldn't have to worry about finishing her food before the film ended, but still she used it sparingly, glancing over at her unconscious boyfriend every so often, or stopping to feel the sensation of the soft, woven and well-padded theater seat against her back. At last, however, the movie seemed to be coming to a close, and the credits started to roll.

"Uh-oh," thought Minerva, as the theater lights started to turn on.

The very instant the light had gotten to a reasonable level, every male eye in the theater, except for those belonging to persons asleep or unconscious, turned to face Minerva Mink, and she dropped the half-full popcorn bag, and empty raisin box where they were in that instant.

"Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon. 'Scuse me." Minerva said hurriedly, as she carefully inched her way out of the row of people, but that time, instead of letting her by, the men fainted dead away, as she brushed close to them, and the ladies gasped or harrumphed in dismay. By the time she made it to the aisle, a whole crowd of people was following her every move, although she knew that the limited space in the exit doorways would slim that crowd down to five or six at a time, as she rushed from the cinema, and dove into her car, pursued by several dozen hypnotized admirers.

"There's got to be a better way to see a movie." Minerva thought silently to herself as she drove away from the theater, leaving her admiring (or adversely, jealous) public behind in the dust, "Every single time I go to the movies, it's always the same thing. Being loved and admired is great, but being followed by big crowds is no fun at all."

* * *

On the way home, Minerva ran into another localized traffic jam; a not-uncommon occurrence in that town. The jam consisted of five cars moving very slowly. The one in front of her, the one behind her, the one on each side of hers, and of course, herself. It was the sort of thing that happened every so often to Minerva Mink, which meant that it was a good thing she was never in too much of a rush to get places.

Eventually, Minerva parked her convertible just next to her log house, then went inside to get herself some lemonade when her telephone rang, and she quickly dropped what she was doing, and picked it up.

"M-Minerva?" The voice on the other end was clearly Jimmy.

"Yep?" Minerva asked cheerily, as if she hadn't heard from him in years.

"Well, I'm back at my place now, but I didn't get the chance to... I mean, I didn't get to ask if you wanted to... try the movie thing again next week..."

For a moment, Minerva hesitated. Giving Jimmy another chance to survive a date with her was a charming idea, but she'd just been through one half-boring, half-harrowing movie experience, and she wasn't in a big hurry to dive into another.

"Oh, I don't think so..." Minerva replied into the telephone, "You see, movies are so packed during summer that... Well, there are problems a girl like me has to face whenever she goes someplace that's packed with people. That's why I never get baseball game tickets."

"Come on, Minerva." Jimmy exclaimed, "I mean, if there's problems with going to a movie, we can find a way to solve them, right? You're clever. You can solve any problem!"

"Jimmy, I just..." Minerva began, but she stopped what she was saying then, because she'd seen an ad in a newspaper, that had been lying on her kitchen counter, which did seem to offer a possible solution to the problem she had with movie theaters.

"Actually," Minerva said into the phone, "I think I have an idea, if we can take your car. Think you can stay awake, this time?"

* * *

Minerva smiled as she chewed on a beef slice she'd brought from home, watching the action on the screen somewhat more attentively than during the previous film.

"Bang! Crash! Crumble! Eek! Aargh!"

As before, Jimmy had totally fainted after only a few minutes in Minerva's presence, but that was alright. She was having a good time, and she knew that when the lights came back on, no one would see her. That was, after all, the real advantage of seeing a movie at a drive-in theater, but as she took a moment to glance at herself in her rear view mirror, she heard Jimmy muttering unconsciously from the seat next to hers.

"...no more 'struction... Gotta... gotta make it safe. Love you so much..."

When she heard that, Minerva blushed a little, then replied softly, "Join the club, Jimmy."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I'm glad that problem's solved. Next time, though, I'll have the face the problems attendant to yet another summer activity, and one that the boys in the audience have probably been waiting for... going to the beach. Yes, even though I have a pond right next to my house, I still go to the beach sometimes, and next time on Minktales, all eyes are on me again! Don't miss it!"


	13. Issue 13: Beautiful Beach Bash

Minktales

Issue 13

"Beautiful Beach Bash"

It was a beautiful day at the beach. The sun shone down on the many kids, parents and teens having fun in the sand, laying on beach towels, swimming in the ocean or playing games, building sandcastles, flying kites, pretending to chase seagulls, or climbing rocks at either end of the beach.

Many noticed the strange figure stepping out onto the beach, and although some were afraid, and a few knew what was about to happen, and rushed with their wives or girlfriends toward the exit, the figure showed no outward evidence that it might not, in fact, be a robot, or a statue, or even just thin air under the long, all-concealing robe and hood it was covered by.

The figure drifted down the beach, then pulled from its robes a long, thin beach towel and a picnic basket, which it laid neatly on the ground, before, in a single, sweeping motion, casting aside the robe and hood, laying it on the end of the beach blanket. Instantly, over fifty pairs of male eyes were fixed helplessly upon Minerva Mink in her new, blue bathing suit, as she twisted around and seated herself on the towel with both hands on her knees.

It wasn't that Minerva was trying to be cruel. If anything, she sympathized with the dilemma of the men and boys present, which was why she'd used the cloak to give them all a few extra seconds of emotional stability. Every little bit, she thought, aught to count. The problem was that people generally went to the beach to relax, so whenever Minerva Mink showed up in a place like that, people were naturally unprepared to defend themselves from the chain of emotions that the sight of her inflicted upon them.

Turning to the picnic basket, Minerva opened it with one hand, and pulled a bottle of sunscreen from inside. Popping it open with her left thumb, she began to slowly pour some into her right hand, then started rubbing it on her arms and legs in slow, gentle motions. Those men present who were weak of heart had been unconscious since she'd opened the basket. The rest were reacting in a variety of ways.

* * *

Frank couldn't stop himself from staring, and the longer he stared, the larger his eyes grew. When she'd opened the sunscreen bottle, he'd started to sweat and pant, out of breath, and when she started putting it on, Frank leaded forward in her direction, his eyes bugging out like binoculars, and his tongue hanging out like a window blind. His girlfriend, who sat right next to him, frowned at the sight, and grabbed his tongue from the bottom, then let go, causing it to fold up just like the aforementioned window blind. Then she dropped her iced cream cone on his head and left. In moments, the ice cream had melted, then evaporated, or burned to ash on Frank's noggin as the sensations became too intense, and he collapsed back onto the ground. Staring right up into the sky, even on a cloudless, bright day was easier than trying to stare at Minerva Mink for a prolonged period.

Frank, it seemed, was the lucky one.

* * *

Most of the men and boys on the beach had either left or collapsed by the time Minerva had finished applying sunscreen to her arms, legs, neck and stomach, but two brave souls approached her at that point, one from each side.

"What are you doing here, anyway?" asked a lady named Nancy, whose husband was lying unconscious in the sand not far off.

"Ohhh...enjoying the summer sun." Minerva replied in a half yawn as she turned to look right into the eyes of the other person who approached; a handsome lifeguard.

"Excuse me," she said to the lifeguard, "but I always have a hard time with this. Could you put some sunscreen on my back, please?"

Instantly, the lifeguard's hat and whistle flew into the air of their own accord, and he started to get closer, the intense sensations of nervousness giving way to attraction, happiness and love, as he spread sunscreen all over his hands, but the moment he put his hands on her back, something seemed to snap in his mind, and he keeled over, his face as red as a tomato.

"Oh, shoot." Minerva muttered as she looked at the swirly-eyed lifeguard, laying in the sand, senseless, "Sometimes, the big, tough-looking ones can be the weakest of all. Well, I suppose it'll have to do. I'll see you later, Nancy. Good luck with that... um... What was it again?"

"Counseling." Nancy muttered as she stormed back to her spot on the beach, and started dragging her husband back to their car.

"Uh, right. That." Minerva said as she got back up, into a kneeling position, to sit back on her blanket, with both arms behind her. Quickly, she turned onto one side, to reach into the picnic basket again, and retrieve a pair of sunglasses, when she saw something that caught her attention in the water. A man with very large muscles was playing with a beach ball, with some of his friends, all of them submerged up to their knees in the water. One of the man's friends was male, and three female, but the man's male friend was clearly distracted by something in Minerva's direction, and wasn't playing the game very well.

"E-excuse me, miss," came a voice from nearby, "but did you say you neede..."

"Not now!" Minerva exclaimed, leaping to her feet, and rushing forward into the ocean, her legs turning into a motorboat engine past a certain point, as she propelled herself towards the hunky guy she'd seen.

"Ohmanohmanohman!" Minerva exclaimed as she leapt seven feet through the air, to land in the big man's arms, much to his surprise, and his friend's chagrin. "I'm never letting you go, you big dreamy boat guy!"

In an instant, Minerva's eyes were the size of dinner plates, which didn't make it any easier on them when she fell from his grip, into the stinging salt water below.

"Look, Miss." the man said, "I mean, you're kind of cute and all that, but my heart's sort of someplace else. Sorry to have to disappoint you."

As he and his friends moved onto a different section of the beach, Minerva sighed, feeling very abandoned and cursed. Why, she wondered, was it always the cute guys who could resist her?

Still, she wasn't about to let one little instance of bad luck spoil her whole day, so she decided to go to the beach vendor, to get an ice cream cone. Swiftly regaining her composure as the spoken-for hunk left her range of vision, Minerva Mink moved, one leg after the other, towards the vendor cart, which had a line of only two people, one of which was a man, meaning that Minerva only had to wait for the woman to finish getting what she wanted, before the vendor caught sight of her, and started jabbering like an idiot, his eyes filling with little rings.

"Oh, I know how hard it is..." Minerva said as she walked forward, looking at him through half-closed eyes, "But can I have one of the chocolate shell vanilla cones?"

Still jabbering, the vendor clumsily grabbed the ingredients, knocking several things over onto the beach in the process, and then handed the cone to Minerva, who dropped the money on the vending counter.

"Thank you very much." Minerva said, turning to go back to her beach blanket as the vendor collapsed into the sand.

* * *

It was only a few moments that Minerva had been back at her beach blanket before she heard the same voice as before saying "M-miss? Did you say you wante..."

Minerva smiled, as she turned to face the young man, who was a freckled fellow with red hair and a goatee. After catching sight of him, though, she had to try hard to maintain her smile.

"Yes? Did you ask me something?"

"Well, did you say you... say you wanted h-help with the sun-sunscreen?"

For a moment, Minerva looked quizzical, placing her right finger on her chin, then cast a glance at the tall, muscular lifeguard still lying in the sand.

"Oh, what the heck? If you think you can last longer than him, you can go ahead and try. But I'm not going to try to wake you if you fail."

"Oh, thank you, Miss!" he exclaimed with much greater enthusiasm than would have seemed appropriate in dealing with anyone else, "Thank you!"

* * *

In moments, the boy had reached the sunscreen bottle, and had placed his hands on Minerva's back. The moment he did so, he could tell what had felled the lifeguard. As intense an emotional experience as it was to just look at Minerva Mink, the attacking emotions became at least fifty times more intense when one was touching her, even in the slightest, but the boy; Rupert by name, wasn't ready to give in. It was his chance to really impress her, and he didn't want to blow it.

Pushing ahead with the task, bit by bit, Rupert had to move slowly in what he was doing, even though it would have been easier to finish quickly, and a second or two into the task, Minerva let out a short hum and said "This isn't the first time you've done this for someone, is it?"

Rupert was already too far gone to actually respond to her question, but he pressed onward, until the sunscreen covered her back and shoulders, and withdrew his hands in relief, as the sensations moved back to their normal, emotionally-oppressive level.

* * *

"Nice job." Minerva said, as Rupert lay in the sand; panting, but still conscious, "You deserve a little something for that, I guess."

Minerva had a hard time with that. After all, she wasn't crazy about getting very close to less-than-attractive people all that much. Still, he'd done something the trained lifeguard hadn't been able to do, and he'd done it with courage and care. She closed her eyes tightly to keep from looking at him, as she descended on top of him like, he must have thought, a vulture, and planted a light kiss on his forehead.

All that time touching her back hadn't produced even one percent of the emotion that her kiss did, and Rupert was out like a light in only a moment, but that was when Minerva noticed something that terrified her, chilling her to the bone.

Rupert wasn't breathing.

"Does anybody around here know CPR?" Minerva asked, panicking in just such a way as to cause her hair to frizz up. Very few conscious men were left on the beach by that point, but many of the women who were there pointed in irritation at the unconscious lifeguard lying at Minerva's feet.

"Oh, perfect." the frazzled mink muttered in extreme sarcasm, as she tried to grab Rupert by the shoulders, and press her hands down on him, but when she did that, he started convulsing, so she stopped. In only a moment more, however, an idea occurred to her, and she grabbed her beach blanket, wrapping it around her hands, as she swiftly put on her robe, leaving the hood off. Then, she pushed down on Rupert's chest with the blanket, and that time, he did no convulsing. After doing that about five or six times, Rupert's breathing returned to normal, and Minerva Mink put her hood over her head, just in time to see him open his eyes.

"Sorry." Minerva said sincerely, "I've never actually come that close to killing someone before."

Rupert coughed, and seemed irritated at first, but at last, he just said "Don't blame yourself. I asked for it. Plus... on the whole, I'd say it was worth the trouble."

Underneath her hood, Minerva Mink blushed invisibly, even though she really had no desire to ever meet up with Rupert again. Flattery was flattery.

* * *

However, although the experience had been a singular one, which Minerva Mink would probably never try to repeat, her drive back home to her log house was delayed somewhat by a short trip to her local library, to pick up three books on CPR.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Oh, my goodness! That was close! A girl like me shouldn't have to go through things like that, but fortunately, on the next Minktales, I'll be facing something far less strenuous. I'm going to buy a new pair of dress shoes. But, things are never quite so simple when the salesman is nervous and clumsy, and his manager is coming down on him for it. That poor kid. I hope he doesn't get fired because of me. I can't wait to find out, and I don't think you can either, so don't miss it!"


	14. Issue 14: Hot Shoe

Minktales

Issue 14

"Hot Shoe"

"But sir," Walter Francis said, "It was only that one time..."

"Don't make me laugh." his boss Barry replied, "Your entire time here has been a string of 'one times.' You're the most incompetent sales associate I've ever met, but just to show that I'm not a bad guy, I'm going to give you one more chance. If you help even so much as one customer in the next hour to find a pair of shoes they want, I'll completely overlook..."

At that, Barry pulled a file, full of mistake records from his desk drawer; things like tripping and knocking over a display case, picking out the wrong color shoe by accident, and tying shoes together when handing them to the customers to try on.

"...this entire file." Barry finished, "Just... just show me that for once, you can do something right, okay? Just once!"

Walter's knees were shaking the whole time. He was a shy sort of boy; eighteen years old, with blond hair and a strong chin, but he didn't seem to have adapted very well to his somewhat-handsome appearance. If anything, he was always feeling uncomfortable whenever he was around people, and he'd never once enjoyed anything as simple as shaking hands with another person.

Still, Walter said nothing more, as Barry finished talking to him, and ushered him out his office door. Walter knew he had to make the sale within an hour, but not just any sale. He had to make a sale that would REALLY impress Barry. He had to sell the red, buckled, heeled shoes. They were referred to as "Little Red" by the salesmen working in the shoe store, but they were known not only for being the fanciest pair of ladies' shoes in stock, but because they came with a rather expensive price tag. In all the time they'd been in stock, not one person had ever been able to sell one, but Walter determined that he was going to. Furthermore, he decided, he was going to make at least one sale to the very next person who came through the front door, no matter who it was.

However, Walter soon came to regret that last vow, as milky white legs, half-hidden under a bright red dress tapped their way in the front door, followed closely by the rest of the woman's body.

The moment she was in the store, and visible to those nearby, waves of attraction seemed to have been sent out from her, and the few men who were in the store began to hoot and whistle, reciting such random syllable collections as "hoowowsugarcane" or "Boywhoa!"

As for Walter himself, he was completely unprepared for the onslaught of emotions that surrounded Minerva Mink at all times, and as he was right there in front of her when she entered, he took the full force of it, and felt himself falling backwards. Soon, another small shoe display fell victim to his back. It was painful, of course, but it still wasn't enough to even put a dent in the emotions radiated by Minerva.

She seemed not to realize the impact that she was having, however, as she walked right up to him, until she was standing over him at an angle, and asked, quite politely, as if she hadn't even noticed that he was lying on the floor, "Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for something that fits just right, and looks good once it's on."

Walter was on his feet almost instantly, the feelings growing stronger in him for every moment she stood there, and especially when she spoke. Never in his life had he even considered kissing a girl, much less holding her in his arms, and pecking her multiple times in romantic passion, but the desire became astoundingly strong whenever he looked at Minerva, and he had no idea why that was.

Deep inside his mind, however, Walter reminded himself of the danger he was in, and eventually had to think "FIREDFIREDFIRED" in order to propel himself out of his stupor, and get down to business.

"C-can I help you find..."

"Yes." she said, twisting at the hip, to take a seat on a nearby bench, which nearly drove Walter back into hysterics, "I need a pair of good shoes to wear, please. Fancy ones, like for a dress party. I'm sure you can find some."

As she said those things, she began to kick off her own shoes, revealing her delicate toes and...

But Walter forced himself to stop looking as he dove behind a nearby shelf. He had to find her a pair of shoes that would fit, and he had to find them quickly.

"Little red" immediately popped into Walter's mind, although the idea of trying to offer Minerva a lousy deal seemed just plain detestable. It was the first idea he had. Certainly, they were expensive, but they would probably fit her just fine.

Carefully, Walter reached for the shoes, and pulled them off the top of one of the shelves. He could hear Minerva tapping one heel against the side of the bench she was sitting on as she waited, but he dared not let himself slip back into hysterics until he'd made the sale.

Carrying the shoes back to Minerva, Walter watched as she tried them on, and walked back and forth methodically in them. Walter could feel his heart melting every time she so much as took a step.

"Well, they're alright, I suppose," Minerva cooed, "but, can I see something else first? I'd like to have another type of shoe to compare it to."

For the next half hour, Walter sweated like a pig, and panted horribly, stifling the urge to whistle, as he carried one pair of shoes after another to Minerva Mink's position, and after a while, realized that he couldn't watch, as she tried them on, since it only wore down his self control faster. Every time, she'd say "Hmmm... not bad. Let me try another one in that same size" or something else in that vein.

Walter's resistances were bolstered by the fact that, after a while, he kept himself from looking directly at her, by hiding behind shelves, and closing his eyes when he had to get close, but even so, he could feel his very brain chemistry changing when she was near, and he was losing his fight for control.

At last, Minerva placed her right forefinger on her chin in thought, as she considered the different shoes she'd tried on at that store, which still lay in a pile on the floor all around her. Then, after about five minutes spent in thought, she said "Oh, Mister Salesman! I believe I'll take that first pair!"

Walter sifted carefully through the pile of shoes, but it was still nearly a minute and a half before he found the shoes she wanted, and by that point, he couldn't quite bring himself to get up from the kneeling position that he'd been in while rummaging through the pile, so instead, he merely reached blindly up with the shoes, back in their box, and in a moment, he heard Minerva's voice, through the love-induced haze that was obscuring his vision.

"Thank you... Walter?" Minerva had finally gotten around to reading his name tag, but if anything, hearing that wonderful, lovely voice speaking his name was a terrible thing for Walter's control, "These will be wonderful for party events. I'll be the talk of the town in these."

The comment clearly had all the elements of a joke, since Minerva Mink could hardly do anything to keep from being the talk of the town, no matter what she wore, but at that moment, Walter felt something furry and soft brush against his left hand, as if intending to shake hands with him, and the emotions became so much stronger at her touch, that Walter fell sideways, hitting his head on something large and wooden before he blacked out.

* * *

When Walter came to, he was still lying on the floor of the shoe store in which he worked, again surrounded by shoes, and Barry was standing over him with a furious expression on his face. Most importantly, Minerva Mink had apparently left, since the atmosphere of passion that turned men into imbeciles had left with her.

"D-did she buy the..." Walter stammered.

"Oh, yes," Barry replied, no less angry as he spoke, "She bought the shoes. The fanciest, most expensive pair we had, but do you think that'll be enough to pay for the damages?"

"Damages?" Walter asked, slowly getting up. As he looked around, he saw exactly what Barry was talking about, and a knot formed in his stomach. It wasn't just the one display he'd knocked over when she'd entered the store. That was only the tip of the iceberg. When Walter had gone down that last time, his head had collided with one of the shelves, which had a weak forward leg, and it had apparently fallen down, putting chips in the wood, and scattering shoes everywhere. Moments after that, other shelves had followed, collapsing like a string of dominoes, and sending customers running for the exits. Walter knew just what was about to happen, even though it wasn't really his fault.

"I'm fired." he said flatly.

"Hey, maybe you're not as dumb as you look." Barry replied in a mock-impressed tone, "Good luck with the job search."

* * *

As Walter left the store, feeling very down, he saw something that made him freeze in his tracks. Minerva Mink was sitting on a bench just outside the mall, looking very sad. As soon as Walter had stepped outside the building, she seemed to notice him, and got up to walk closer to him. At once, he screamed, and fell to the pavement.

"Oh, for pete's sake!" Minerva exclaimed, "If it's really that hard for you, just shut your eyes."

A moment later, that was just what Walter did, and it helped quite a bit, just like it had in the store.

"What do you want from me?" Walter asked, "I just lost my job, thanks to you."

"I know." Minerva replied, still sounding very upset, "I feel terrible about that. Listen, let me make it up to you. I have... friends. People who... trust me. Are you any good with computers? How about math?"

"Y-yeah. I know a few things about computers, and I've always been kind of a math expert. Why?" Walter asked.

"Well, there's this friend of mine, who's the CEO of a computer conglomerate, and he's been looking for someone to manage his finance systems. If you think you're up to it, I could recommend you..." Minerva said slowly.

"Wow." Walter muttered, "I... wow. I've never had anyone... I mean, that's really good of yo-wow."

"Don't mention it." Minerva said, "It's my fault anyway."

"Oh." Walter said, thinking of something, just as he heard her starting to walk away, "Can I ask you for one more favor?"

* * *

One month later, Minerva Mink stepped into the very same shoe store. Everything was back to normal. All the shelves had been repaired, righted or replaced, and all the displays were back to normal. Minerva felt like what she was about to do was a little vindictive, but then, it was a favor to a friend, who'd just recently become recognized by his company as one of the best and fastest mathematicians they'd ever employed. He'd done right by her, and most of the other people he was currently working with, and he deserved that slight bit of revenge.

"Excuse me." Minerva asked a young lady who was working there, as men began to whistle and pant all across the shoe store, "Is Barry still the manager here? Good. I'd like to speak with him please."

Minerva was careful to remain mostly hidden behind a shelf as Barry approached, seemingly irritated by the interruption, but the moment Minerva Mink stepped forth, that irritation vanished, as a combination of passionate infatuation and mortal terror fought for dominance on Barry's face.

"Hi." Minerva said to Barry in her sweetest cooing voice, "I got such a nice deal the last time I was here from that wonderful Walter person, I had to come back. I'm looking for... something in casual this time."

However, Barry was already sweating horribly as he experienced, firsthand, the worst struggle his former employee had ever needed to endure.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I sort of enjoyed that! I got to help a nice kid who had a big calling, but next time on Minktales, I'm about to embark on another big, big, big adventure. Every girl has to face the ordinary on a day to day basis, and yet, deep down inside, we're spurred on by the thought of a fairy tale coming true in our own back yard. I'm sure you'll be eager to learn the identity of my intended prince charming next issue, so don't miss it!"


	15. Issue 15: Bean

Minktales

Issue 15

"Bean"

Once upon a time, there was a mink. She was a very special Mink, of course. She was very famous, rather well-off, and very, very beautiful. In fact, she was just the sort of Mink that one would not expect this sort of thing to happen to. Her name was Minerva, and she lived in a house made from a log in the forest next to a pond.

Minerva Mink always kept her house spotless.f It was a passion of hers. She loved to decorate, and clean, and see everything shine and glitter until she could see herself in the countertops and other surfaces (which was probably one of the big reasons she had for cleaning, in fact,) but every so often, something would get pushed behind everything else in Minerva's refrigerator, and she'd have to retrieve it, and throw it away after it had long ago lost its potential for being eaten.

One such food item was a bean. It had fallen behind the crisper drawer and was, Minerva saw as she discovered it, growing a little sprout.

Quickly, Minerva grabbed her rubber gloves, and reached for the bean, then disgusted by the little living thing that had thrived behind her vegetable drawer, she threw it outside, intending for it to hit the garbage can. Instead, however, it bounced off the trash can lid, and sank into the soil at the base of the house, although Minerva didn't notice at first.

Suddenly, there was an enormous trembling in the Earth, and a massive, green beanstalk sprouted up from the ground, lifting Minerva's whole house up, up, up... all the way to the sky.

Needless to say, the Mink was very surprised by the time the beanstalk had stopped growing and she found herself up among the clouds, but there was another who was equally surprised.

The other I speak of was a hound dog named Newt. He had the unenviable task of catching Minks to acquire their fur, and while on the trail of Minerva, he'd chosen to hide in her garbage can, to see if he could get any information that might help him to nab her without falling prey to her absolutely stunning beauty. However, he also had been caught up in one of the bean leaves on the stalk, and had been carried most of the way up to the land in the sky.

As Minerva Mink left her house, she found that the land in the sky was a beautiful, lush place, with wonders of astounding size and beauty, only half of which many stories could be written about, but her appreciation for the beauty of things other than men and herself was limited, and so she regarded them without true awe.

However, for a long time, Minerva had been searching for a handsome prince to come and take her away from her simple, if stylish life, and she thought, perhaps, that the enormous castle in the center of the land might contain just such a prince, so strapping on her gym outfit and headband, Minerva Mink set off for the castle at a brisk jog, drawing the attention of many animals very deeply.

Newt, meanwhile, had attempted to leave his garbage can, and nearly fallen off the leaf he was being supported by, saving himself from a tremendous fall, only by grabbing onto the leaf's edge as he stepped out, then edging along the side of the leaf, until he reached the stalk's main body, and started up to the top, not more than a dozen yards distance, though it would be difficult for him. Newt had gotten to the sky land by the time Minerva Mink was even halfway to the castle.

Still, as great as the distance to the castle was, Minerva managed to make it, fueled onward by her dreams, and her dedication to the prince that might or might not exist in the castle before her.

As soon as Minerva Mink reached the castle, she heard the shout of a woman from high up in one of its lower windows.

"Who's there? I can't see you! You have to save me, whoever you are. I'm imprisoned in this castle! Please save me!"

Minerva didn't reply, not wanting to strain her already-heavily-panting lungs, and deciding that she'd get around to it. The front gate of the castle was open; a massive wooden drawbridge big enough to accommodate a person a hundred times her size, so Minerva stepped inside.

Every room of that incredible castle was absolutely enormous. The smallest was the size of the main section of a cathedral, and most were over two dozen times bigger in at least two dimensions. Some were even larger. The stones and marble that formed the castle's construction had been cut into blocks of nearly fifty feet across, and Minerva's greatest difficulty in getting from one place to another in the castle wasn't merely the distance, but the way in which the floor went down every few yards into cement, with which to connect the stones. It was the unevenness of it that worried Minerva most.

"Some rugs would help that a lot." she said to herself as she heard another voice, that one male, coming from nearby.

"Hey toots. Whoa! Man, are you a looker! I think I hit the jackpot this time, and coming from me, that says something!"

Minerva was very surprised by how talkative that extremely annoying male was, so she turned to look for him, and in only a little while, found him sitting on a nearby table, which she had to climb a chair to get to. There he was, a goose sitting on the table with a nest made of twigs underneath him.

Of course, to Minerva, a talking goose wasn't a strange thing, but what was strange was the pile of gold lumps shaped like eggs that rested on the table next to him.

"Where'd all that gold come from?" Minerva asked, only half-curiously.

"I made those myself." the goose replied, "Pretty awesome, huh?"

"How does a male goose lay eggs?" Minerva asked, puzzled, but the goose shook slightly at the question.

"Sorry, honey." he said, "Magic, which is pretty much the same thing as calling it a trade secret. I can't explain it, even to myself. Still, I'm no less useful for all that. How about getting me outta here before the master gets home?"

"I don't really have any way to market gold, myself..." Minerva muttered, looking at the large pile of gold with only half-interest, "You wouldn't happen to be able to lay credit cards too, would ya?"

The goose looked irritated at that. Clearly, it had the power to resist her unnatural beauty, although it did have some admiration for it. It was probably the magic that protected it.

"Well, the truth is, I... Well, to be honest, n...n-n..okay, probably." the goose finally admitted, "But there is no way I'm even gonna try."

"Why not?" Minerva asked, "Credit cards are way more universal at this day in age."

"Listen, honey." The goose replied, "Have you ever tried to squeeze a two by three plastic card through your small intestine? It ain't no picnic, I can tell you that."

"Oh." Minerva replied, "Well, that's too bad. Listen, I'll see you later, alright? I still have a handsome prince to search for, and maybe a lady to rescue or something."

Then, leaving the magic goose protesting where it sat, Minerva slid back down the chair legs to the floor, and headed off for the upper sections of the castle, and it wasn't long before she saw the woman, covered in gold, with what looked like gold paint over her arms and face. However, as Minerva got closer, and each got a better look at the other, she could see that the 'woman' was really just a magic, moving figure of a woman attached to a harp, and the harp looked absolutely horrified and afraid, the closer Minerva got.

"No!" the harp whined, "This is all wrong! I'm supposed to be the most beautiful thing in the world! That's why the giant took me from my keeper!"

"Well, I guess there must be prettier things than harps out there." Minerva said, "Look, did you want to be rescued or something?"

"Not by you!" the harp said defiantly, folding her arms.

"Oh. Okay. Never mind then." Minerva replied, shrugging, and turning to leave. Just then, however, she started to feel tremors underneath her, as if some extremely large rock was being smashed against the ground, not far off. In only a couple of seconds, the tremors had been followed by still more like them, and then more and more, until every half-second, more were felt. Then, the tremors became audible thumps, then crashes, then finally, an enormous boom, as a giant stepped out of the nearest door.

"Harmonia..." the giant said, but just as he was closing on the table where the harp was kept, he caught sight of Minerva, and she of him.

The giant's eyes, already enormous, bugged out, and grew to at least five times their previous size, as his jaw collided with the floor, and in moments, he was whistling and hooting, and jumping from one section of the walls, ceilings or floor to another randomly.

Pretty much the same thing had happened to Minerva Mink when she'd seen the giant. She'd never in her life seen anyone with such big muscles, or such a broad chin and shoulders. His hair could probably stand a shampoo, but that was easily remedied, and his eyes were dark and fierce-looking, like the eyes of a war veteran who's accustomed to seeing tragedies, and growing hard to them. In short, he was Minerva's type.

However, the giant collapsed to the floor, and Minerva collapsed to a nearby bookshelf a moment later, when Harmonia the harp played a sharp note on herself, hoping to draw their attention. The giant merely raised one hand and muttered, "A minute, Harmonia. Give me a minute."

"But it's me you're supposed to love the sight of!" Harmonia exclaimed, fuming. However, nobody was paying any attention to her by that point.

"Oh, my big, strong prince." Minerva exclaimed, reaching up with both arms, "Let me hold you, and never, ever, ever let go!"

The giant looked even more enamored when he heard that, and said, "Oh, my queen... my lovely lady. Let me do whatever you say!"

"Give me a great big kiss if you can, my white knight!" Minerva exclaimed, puckering up, at which the giant raised both fists and boasted.

"I am Thunderdell; mighty giant, and master of this castle! I can do anything!"

So, he leaned over to the edge of the shelf Minerva was standing on, and gave her a great big kiss with those snow-tire lips of his. Then suddenly, he felt his whole body weakening, and his eyes rolled back into his head, as he keeled over, collapsing to the floor.

"Sleep tight, my darling!" Minerva exclaimed, as she climbed down from the shelf and ran from the castle, "I have to get changed for the wedding!"

However, Minerva left by a window, so she wasn't seen by Newt, who approached from the front entrance, still on Minerva's trail, and not aware that they were passing within feet of each other.

Minerva ran back to her house, and immediately changed out of her gym outfit, then ran over to the bathtub to try to get a shower, but unfortunately, the water wasn't working.

"I can't possibly change into my nice dress without taking a shower first." Minerva insisted, as she headed outside to check the pipes, leaving the water handles on.

* * *

Meanwhile, the giant had woken up, and he wasn't happy to find not only Minerva, but the goose gone as well.

"Fee fi fo fog, this be the work of a filthy dog!" Thunderdell exclaimed, "Be he alive, or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread!"

* * *

Soon, Minerva was fairly sure she'd fixed the pipes, which had been stretched on the trip up the beanstalk, and had needed to be taped together in order to work again, but she was ready to head back in at any moment, when she felt the beanstalk under her shudder, and clung to one side of the house to steady herself, before she noticed that water was pouring out of the windows, and realized, with horror, what had happened. She'd left the water on while fixing the pipes, and they'd flooded the house, probably ruining a lot of her rugs and furniture in the process.

"No!" Minerva exclaimed, but the worst was yet to come, as the beanstalk began to crumble under the increased weight of her house, and she was plummeting back down to her house's previous, pond-side location, screaming all the way.

However, the eventual impact with the ground, and the struggle to get the water turned back off led to no serious injuries on Minerva's part. The only thing that was serious was that she knew that there was no way she'd be able to get back to her lovely, humongous hunk.

"But he's a big, tough guy," Minerva reasoned to herself as she watched the last of the water drain out of her house, "and he said he could do anything. I'm sure he'll find me eventually, as long as he doesn't get distracted by anything."

* * *

Newt hopped back west, half-covered in a roll of bread, as he searched frantically for the beanstalk leading back down to the lower world. He'd dropped the goose a while back, but he couldn't get that giant to stop chasing him, and rhyming things about how he was going to bake and devour him. As he had many times before, Newt fled and fled as best he could inside the roll of bread, with the huge, furious giant on his heels the whole time.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, it's too bad my prince hasn't found me yet, but I'm sure Newt will. In fact, he's coming back next issue in a larger role, as I try to have a relaxing summer evening. I just hope you'll enjoy the evening as much as I do."


	16. Issue 16: Summer Night Catch

Minktales

Issue 16

"Summer Night Catch"

Minerva Mink smiled as she left her house to face the dusk of a summer evening with a glass jar with holes poked in the top under one arm, and a folding chair in the other. She'd brought a magazine about new shampoo and conditioner ingredients in one pocket, and a jumbo can of mosquito repellent in the other. Only female mosquitoes bite, a fact that Minerva Mink had been made painfully aware of at several points in the past, since she was fairly sure no male mosquito would ever have been able to touch her delicate skin.

Setting up her folding chair by the edge of the pond, Minerva opened her jar and spoke softly into the air.

"Here, little fireflies. Come to Minerva."

Almost instantly, her whole jar was full of fireflies, and she closed the lid loosely over them, reminding herself to let them out when she was finished. Then, she sat down on the folding chair and started to read by their light.

However, as she read by firefly light, a figure was watching her from the bushes; a figure named Newt. Newt, of course, was a trained hunting dog who hunts down Minks, and he'd rarely seen Minerva drop her guard so far as to relax outside at dusk, in such an open area. It was, he mused, his chance to catch her for his master.

Slinking up close to Minerva from the left, Newt held onto the fake bush he was using as a disguise and readied his net to spring, when he heard Minerva say under her breath, "I hope that trap catches that pesky raccoon tonight."

Suddenly, there was a snap, and Newt was hopping away, in a great deal of pain, from the very large trap attached to his left foot.

* * *

Newt, however, wasn't going to give up. Having liberated himself from the trap, he inched back towards Minerva's location and decided to try another type of ploy.

"This one's sure to get her." he mused, fiddling with the levers on a remote control device he had in one hand. The remote was controlling a small robot, about the size of a squirrel, which had a gas jet full of chloroform in the front. Newt watched from a distance as the robot got closer and closer, moving towards Minerva on little treads as she read, but when it was only about a yard from her, she saw it coming, and giggled in delight.

"Oh, what a cute little robot!" she exclaimed, putting down her magazine, getting up and taking the robot in her hands. Newt tried to activate the chloroform jet, but it wouldn't respond, for some reason.

"Oh, you're a cute little thing." Minerva said, "And look at this little nozzle. A squirt gun, I'll bet. You must be all the rage at parties. I wonder how many moving... parts you have."

At that moment, the chloroform deployed into the air, away from Minerva, causing several sedated birds to fall from their nests in the tree in that direction, right onto Newt's head as the robot overheated, melting into a pile of slag at Minerva Mink's feet.

"Oh." she muttered, "Well, none now, I guess."

Then, Minerva went back to reading, and Newt to his plans, after he retrieved a few bandages for the lumps on his head.

* * *

Newt smiled as he went over his latest plan in paper. The glass jar with the fireflies had given him the idea, and he'd brought his own jar, that one full of honeybees.

"This is perfect." Newt said to himself as he charted it all out on paper, "I release the bees in her direction, she sees them, they scare her, she runs and trips over one of the many nearby tree roots in the dark, and then I catch her with my Mink net before she even knows what's happened!"

Newt smiled as he inched closer to Minerva in his disguise as a bush, and when he was only a few inches from her, he opened his jar, and the bees swarmed out, surrounding Minerva at a distance of about three feet.

However, Minerva was eating a roll at the moment, and had taken a small bite out of it, but seemed not to like it very much. Then, she noticed the bees and smiled.

"Good timing." she said, "You know, I'll bet big, strong bees like yourselves could make me some honey for this roll in nothing flat."

"Oh, please..." she finished this last comment with a delicate purse to her lips, and the bees all seemed to get the message, because in only a moment, they were off, gathering nectar from flowers and making it into honey, then pouring about five drops onto her roll, which she smiled at the sight of.

"Thank you." she said, "I'm very impressed."

Newt couldn't take it anymore.

"By five drops of honey?" he asked angrily, leaping out of his faux bush, "Anybody could do that! Me, for instance. Why, I could..."

However, the bees clearly didn't like that, descending on Newt as one, and stinging him from all around, as he ran screaming towards the horizon.

* * *

When Newt showed up again, after treating himself for many bee-stings, he was wearing advanced mink-blind goggles, which served as night vision goggles, while projecting a blind spot over anything even resembling a mink. As he approached, however, Minerva got up and set the fireflies free, putting her magazine back in her pocket. She had a few exercises to get to before heading back inside, but she wouldn't need the light of the fireflies for that, though many of them would probably hang around to watch anyway. They always did.

Minerva started with some basic stretches, then sit-ups and some running in place. Not being able to see her, Newt couldn't tell what she was doing; only that she was moving in place, and then over to a rope that hung from a nearby tree.

"She must be trying to escape up that tree." Newt said to himself, "Well, too bad for her, I have an extending net!"

As he said that, Newt pushed a button on the end of his net, and just as Minerva reached the rope tied to the tree, the net came down over her head.

"Yes! I can't believe I did it!" Newt exclaimed, overjoyed, "I finally caught her!"

However, as she realized what it was that was over her head, Minerva's expression turned to a knowing, sarcastic one, and she let go of the rope, which fled up into the tree at that very moment. In the next moment, an enormous anvil tied to the other end of the rope fell directly on Newt's head, causing the net's grip on Minerva to loosen. Then, she carefully removed it, tossing it away as she sighed, disappointed.

"Well, so much for rope-climbing. I suppose I'll have to make do with jogging tonight."

Newt, of course, was far more disappointed. His goggles and net totally broken, and he himself a very flat disc. Still, he wobbled away to prepare another plan.

* * *

Newt snickered as he mailed the request form to ACME. He'd seen one add that he simply couldn't pass up, which stressed a super-fast response, and read "ACME alien abductions. Need something abducted? Send in the order form and we'll abduct it for you at premium rates. Packages, animals, people... It makes no difference. We abduct, incapacitate, package and ship to anywhere in the galaxy of your choice. Our trained team of alien professionals guarantees prompt service."

Newt chuckled again, as Minerva reached the door of her house, only to be bathed in brilliant, blinding light from above, in a beacon. In a moment more, both of her eyes closed, and her muscles relaxed as she was drawn up, up, up...

Newt smiled as he watched her being drawn into the massive flying saucer, and the circular loading gate closed behind her. Then, however, Newt heard something that made his heart sink.

"Attention." A stern, alien voice said, apparently to Minerva, "You are now the cargo of ACME Alien Abductions Incorporated. Cooperate fully and you will be unharmed during your trip to your impending... wait. Is that who I think it is?"

"Marvin!" Newt heard Minerva exclaim, "Is that you? Oh, it's been so long!"

"M-Minerva!" the alien voice replied, nervous but pleased.

"It's so good to see you, Marvin!" Minerva shouted in delight, "How's the um... the illudium pew... thing?"

"R-wow-okay." Marvin was heard to say, "Well, I've made some critical advances in the technology. I think you'll really love what I've done with it... Um, if you're not busy."

"No, no." Minerva said, as if to drive the final nail through the coffin of Newt's latest attempt, "I don't have anywhere to be."

Then, the saucer was off like a shot, into the night sky, and Newt was positively crestfallen. He stared up into the starry sky from just outside Minerva's house for several minutes after that, until he saw something huge and round materialize above him, and collide with the ground, flattening him very painfully once again.

As the saucer lay on top of him, a door opened in one side, and Minerva hurried out of it, and into her house, then back to the saucer again a moment later.

"Sorry." she said to Marvin, who waited in the spaceship patiently, "I just couldn't go without my makeup case."

Marvin nodded understandingly as the saucer closed up and took off, its launch jets burning Newt horribly, as it sprang through the atmosphere to its Martian destination...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Ah, there's nothing quite as luxurious as a boat cruise, and as I've been offered one as a gift, it would be passé to refuse, but there's a stowaway on this boat, and he has some plans to reel me in. I can't wait to see him try. It's always so much fun."


	17. Issue 17: Ship of Goofs

Minktales

Issue 17

"Ship of Goofs"

Minerva hummed to herself as she walked across the deck of the S.S. Luxuriant, watching the waves pass by beyond the railings, and listening to the people on the lower decks talking, ordering food and drink, eating, playing games, and generally having a good time. Of course, the men of the upper decks were having an even better time, because all of them were staring right at her.

It had been a couple of days ago that a man Minerva had met at a party had been laying down on the ground in front of her, and boasted to her "I have a boat. I could give you a free leisure cruise."

Of course, it was an offer no lady, much less a lady mink, could resist, so Minerva had accepted his generous offer, and he had been rewarded by the fact that he also would be on the cruise, and so would have the distinct pleasure of her company for the duration, or at least for as long as he was strong enough to endure.

However, Newt the dog had also stowed away in the ship, looking for an opportunity to capture Minerva, and knowing that a cruise is a place to relax, he must have fully expected her to be at her weakest.

Newt watched Minerva twist around, as she seated herself on a nearby chair, and ordered an ice cream soda from a very enamored waiter, but it was then that he saw the problem with his plan. There were too many people on deck A, and all of them were paying attention to Minerva, though some with more favorable emotions than others. Clearly, he would have to try to distract them.

First, Newt put a large bag of money on the deck, off to one side, with a sign that said "Come 'n get it," but that didn't draw even a glance. Then, he started playing the drums with an amplifier. That seemed to only draw the attention of those on the lower decks, as did the enormous explosion that rocked the ship a moment later. However, although the explosion wasn't strong enough to take hold of the gazes of the men on A deck, it did draw the attention of the women, including Minerva herself.

"Oh, brother." Minerva thought as she got to her feet to check the explosion out.

"What was that?" she asked aloud as she inched closer to the column of smoke that had just recently been a stick of dynamite, and there was Newt, at the very center. He'd tried to plant a bomb as a distraction, but it had exploded the moment he lit the fuse, and he was very, very black with soot.

"Newt!" Minerva exclaimed, "You knew there was a bomb, and you tried to defuse it to save little old me! Oh, thank you!"

Clasping both hands together, Minerva leaned forward, and gave Newt a kiss on his nose, causing him to melt into a puddle, and flow overboard into the ocean. Looking thoroughly insincere, Minerva muttered "Oops."

* * *

Having recovered from the emotional meltdown he'd experienced under Minerva's kiss, and climbed back up into the ship, Newt had thought of another way to take care of her without everyone noticing. He snickered as he used a tiny eyedropper to place a single drop of green poison on top of an ice cream soda, then as a nervous, but eager-looking waiter passed by in Minerva's direction, Newt switched the soda on the plate in the waiter's hand with his own, poisoned one, and watched from behind one of the boat walls as Minerva accepted the soda, and moved it closer to her mouth. When she removed it, it was half empty.

"Ah. Now that's a nice, refreshing soda." she said slowly, "Sweet and cold to a fault. The perfect thing on a hot summer cruise."

Then, she put the rest of the soda on the table just next to the chair she was sitting in, and Newt waited and waited. At last, he started to get frustrated, and marched over to the table to grab the soda. However, just as he reached for it, he found himself touching Minerva's hand instead, who'd reached for the same soda. Instantly, Newt's whole body tensed up, and smoke began to shoot out of his ears, as the emotions she projected on almost all men overwhelmed him at her touch.

"Hey!" she exclaimed, "Newt, I... Aw, heck. I can't stay mad after you handled that bomb thing. Here. Have some."

Then, before Newt could protest, she shoved the straw into his mouth, and several drops of the soda flowed down his throat before he could stop it. At that point, however, Newt saw a small puddle of soda and ice cream on the deck nearby, and realized what had happened, turning green and running to the edge of the boat. As Newt hung over the boat's railing, Minerva muttered softly enough that Newt couldn't hear her, "drip."

Newt wasn't alone at the edge of the boat. Several other people were there too, but mostly because fish dinner on a boat hadn't been what they'd needed.

* * *

Newt's next plan, once the poison was out of his system, was to start sawing the floor out from under the place where Minerva was sitting, with a big net underneath, to catch and trap her for the remainder of the cruise. However, just as he finished sawing the first two edges of the boards off, a large glob of poisoned iced cream fell right on top of him, and a few drips inched toward his mouth. Immediately, Newt rushed to the restroom, and it was several minutes before he could get back to his plan.

When Newt finally did get back to sawing the boards, he was wearing a Hazmat suit, and the few remaining drops of poison that reached him flowed harmlessly off him while he continued sawing. At last, however, the board came crashing down, throwing Newt off-balance. Minerva had just gotten up, and was looking into the hole he'd just made somewhat angrily. She couldn't see Newt, as he was wrapped tightly in his own net by that point, but she exclaimed, "Oh, darn! Now, I need to get a new chair."

* * *

At last, dinnertime came, and everyone made way for Minerva, as she walked slowly to the buffet, glancing only casually at the half-snorkel in the punch bowl as she moved to pick out some cheese and meats, as well as a salad from the table.

As she turned to go back to her seat, however, Newt emerged from the punch bowl behind her with his net at the ready, and laughed in delight as it swooped down to ensnare a victim!

"What are you doing?" Minerva asked from behind him.

"But, you're here. You were over there, but..." Newt gibbered for a moment, probably at least partly due to Minerva's charm making him nervous.

"Scuba diving, huh? Good luck, Newt." Minerva said, noting the dog's snorkel and net, "I wouldn't have the nerve this far out at sea."

Newt was puzzling over that comment as Minerva walked off, when something broke through his net, which he'd left sitting in the punch bowl as she'd been talking, and in a moment, a great white shark had appeared and grabbed Newt with its teeth, pulling him down under the punch in much pain...

* * *

About half an hour later, Newt, covered in bandages, was about to try something else. Carefully, he placed a large collection of dynamite under Minerva's new chair, and waited for her to sit down. He could barely bring himself to watch, as she twisted into her seat in a very relaxed, but still unnecessary manner, so as quickly as he could, he pulled out the trigger to the dynamite, and pushed the lever down, to activate the bomb, then saw many, many stars, as he was engulfed in a humongous explosion.

"Well, what do you know?" Minerva asked lazily, "I guess even dynamite likes me."

* * *

At last, the cruise was coming to an end, and Minerva was ready to disembark, her still-unopened suitcase held in one hand, and her purse over the opposite shoulder, as she stepped down the plank to the dock, where Newt stood off to one side, with his last plan for the day; a well-hidden bear trap in the dock's floorboards, covered with synthetic wood. Although he was too beat-up to do much boasting about it, he planned to activate it as soon as Minerva Mink stepped on it, thus capturing her, and putting an end to their struggle for good. The trap was just three feet past the plank to shore, and there was absolutely no way Minerva could reach her convertible without walking over it.

However, the moment that Minerva stepped on shore, she caught sight of Newt, all covered in bandages, and with a crutch under one arm, and gasped in well-faked shock and dismay, moving to his location in a sort of half-jog, in which her legs rotated around one another inside her skirt, and her arms were stuck out to the sides at the elbows. As soon as she reached Newt, Minerva put her hands under her chin, looking horrified.

"Oh, Newt! What happened to you?" she exclaimed, "You look like you were hit with a battleship. You poor thing..."

Then Minerva reached forward and embraced Newt in a big hug, and the strong, unnatural emotions of love that had been building in him up to that point produced a pounding drum beat from inside his chest, as his eyes became collections of circling rings, and he was up in the air and out of the bandages in moments, slowly coming to rest on the dock like a feather, with hearts coming out of his eyes and mouth, and popping like bubbles. It took him a moment, however, before he realized where, exactly, he'd landed, and that was when he knew that Minerva had the remote, even without having to look.

Still, he looked anyway, and sure enough, there she was, holding the remote in her free hand, her thumb just over the button, and Newt started sweating, partly from the unnatural nervousness caused by her proximity, and partly from fear of the trap he was sitting on.

However, as Minerva looked into Newt's pleading little puppy dog eyes, she knew she couldn't do it, and tossed the remote into the ocean, just a few feet away.

"Have a wonderful day, Newt." Minerva said, as she half-walked, half-pranced to her car, "Glad you're feeling better."

Newt watched, more hearts forming over his head as she drove off. Once more, his two driving motivations in life were at each other's throats, and those motivations only stopped fighting when a very familiar great white shark emerged from the water nearby with a remote control in its mouth, quickly pressing the button with one of its three thousand teeth.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I admit, it's kind of fun to tease Newt every so often, but only because I know how fragile he is. In the next Minktales, it looks like I have a new enemy, and this one's upset at me for one reason or another to the point of declaring war. Plus, my new enemy is a girl. I only hope I can outsmart her before she destroys my house."

* * *

Hi, all. Well, I have a little space at the bottom of this chapter, so I may as well say a few things about my Minerva stories, all of them brought up by reviews (which I love getting, by the way, no matter what they say.) First, Chapter Two was the Salad Ballad because it was a Ballad (a story or legend) about a guy who sold a salad. Secondly, in Chapter Sixteen, Minerva meets Marvin the Martian, but it's implied that it's not their first meeting, and indeed, they met in the last episode of Pinky and the Brain; "Star Warners," which reunited much of the animaniacs cast. Minerva had one scene being chained to a Jabba the Hutt parody, but her other scene was in the restaurant on planet Ratatouille, where she and Marvin are having a talk about his dynamite stick.

Also, about bees, it may well be true that only the female ones make honey. I suppose I was thinking of ants when I wrote that part of chapter sixteen. Ant workers handle the food, and most, if not all of them are male.

Lastly, I wouldn't be opposed to doing some stories in other time periods, or even other realities (past, future, super-hero world… It's a fine animaniacs tradition,) but I'll probably wait on those until a little later. My intention so far has been to establish Minerva's place in the world. I may vault her into other worlds once that place has been established firmly enough for my liking.

Thank you for your reviews, and I'm glad you're enjoying this. I know I'm enjoying writing them. Peace and love, all!


	18. Issue 18: That Blasted Mink

Minktales

Issue 18

"That Blasted Mink"

Olivia stood facing the wall of her home, which, like all the walls of her home, was made from packed dirt, reinforced with brick. There, on that one wall of her house, charts and diagrams were displayed, showing the primary weak points of her intended target, and her image from many angles. The entire wall was covered with pictures of that sort.

Olivia was a river otter with brown fur, and long, dark brown hair. She had a long, thin tail, and a very dark nose and eyes, as well as rosy cheeks. Her ears stuck out of her hair like little convex spikes, and she was dressed, at the moment, in army fatigues.

"I am going to get you." Olivia recited, her tail swishing back and forth as she spoke, "It's been five years since I could get a boyfriend to visit me here, and now you're going to pay for that!"

Stuffing her pockets full of cartoon weapons, Olivia the Otter left her burrow in a huff, ready for war.

* * *

Of course, Minerva Mink wasn't preparing for war. She was watering the flowers and vegetables in her gardens. The garden on the left side of her log house closer to the main road had the flowers, since it was that side that travelers would see first, and Minerva was very big on keeping up appearances.

It was as she finished watering those last few tulips, however, that she felt a gun being pressed against the back of her head, and slowly turned around, putting on her best seductive smile...

However, as soon as Minerva saw who and what was holding the gun, she screamed and had to duck to avoid the first shot, diving through one of her open windows. Olivia Otter snapped her fingers in anger. Clearly, Minerva hadn't expected the person at the other end of the gun to be a woman, but Olivia had lost the element of surprise. Obviously, that meant that Minerva would be more prepared next time; probably with weapons and equipment of her own. Just to be on the safe side, Olivia decided to start planting bombs around Minerva's front door, and storm the place.

Putting the time bomb down in front of the door, and setting up the wires attached to it, Olivia grinned and chuckled to herself, saying "This time you're all mine."

"How's it going?" Olivia heard from behind her.

"Perfect." Olivia replied, "I have that Mink trapped now, and in a minute, she's not going to be bothering me anymore."

Olivia pressed the button on the bomb to set the timer, then, chuckling, turned around to find herself face to face with Minerva again.

Almost at once, Olivia was aiming her gun at Minerva's face.

"Ah-ha!" Olivia exclaimed, "Now you can't get away! I've got you for sure!"

"Yeah..." Minerva replied, "It sure looks that way, so... I guess you won't be needing the bomb anymore, right?"

"No. That's a good point. Thanks." Olivia replied, picking up the bomb, then turning back around to find Minerva gone. For a moment, Olivia ran her hand down her face from the top to the bottom in irritation with herself, before the bomb started to ring, and the next ringing was in Olivia's ears.

"Have a nice day!" Minerva exclaimed as a very charred Olivia sailed over the horizon.

* * *

Minerva Mink smiled, mostly because she was in such a good mood, as she started opening her mail. Bills, bills, junk mail... She'd have to speak to someone about that. That, of course, was the first tenth of her mail. The rest was all love letters. Minerva always replied to all her love letters. It made her feel better to remind herself that even when things were lousy, she still had her adoring fans, and of course, when she was really upset, she could use it to let off steam too, personalizing her rejection notes with as much or as little tact as she wished. Still, she was in a very good mood that day, so most of her replies read sweetly "No thank you."

However, Olivia was still watching her as she did that, and she'd come up with another plan. Carefully walking up to her house, she dropped a ticking package into the mailbox and rang the doorbell, then ran off, cackling to herself.

"Gee, I wonder who this package is from." Olivia heard from a few meters away from Minerva's house, "No return address. Oh, well. Probably candy or a mini bouquet from some loving admirer."

Olivia's face turned red from the bottom to the top as she listened to Minerva casually talking about the emotional stranglehold that her very existence had over the local men, but it would, she knew, be worth it in a moment.

"Oh!" she heard Minerva exclaim, "How sweet! Why, I'll bet... ugh. Lemon candies."

Just then, the package came flying out the window, scattering chocolates with lemon filling all through the garbage can it landed in.

Olivia was furious. Somehow, Minerva must have figured out what had been in the package and disarmed the bomb, she thought as she got closer, and picked up one of the candies to examine it. However, just then, the candy rang like an alarm clock, and Olivia was being propelled over the horizon again.

Minerva, who'd been watching the whole thing from a nearby window, remarked "Huh. That one's a new gag on me."

* * *

Olivia was perspiring heavily, as she finished constructing her latest death-dealing engine. It was a humongous shovel attached to a spring-operated lever, which was itself attached to a large, wooden base. Essentially, it was designed to scoop up Minerva's whole house, and toss it into the lake, where Olivia, as a river otter, had the advantage. Quickly, she pulled the lever, and watched as the shovel collided with the ground, and the entire base overturned, falling into the pond, and dragging the shovel along with it. Olivia didn't have time to get out of the way, as she was caught up in the shovel and pulled underwater with the rest of the big, heavy machine.

* * *

However, a few minutes later, Olivia discovered that Minerva had made a foolish mistake. She'd decided to go for a swim.

"In the water, she's a sitting duck!" Olivia crowed, arming her gun, and waiting for Minerva to pass by.

"As soon as she turns away from me, or tries to dive, I'll get her right in the back." Olivia said to herself, as she took aim.

For several minutes, Minerva continued downstream, never turning away from Olivia's side of the river, but at last, she dove under the waves, and Olivia fired, scattering some very scared ducklings that had had the misfortune of choosing that area for a swim.

"Did I get her?" Olivia asked herself, thinking, "Better take aim again, just in case."

So, she took aim once again at that same spot, but just then, she started to hear heavy breathing from behind her, and turned around very slowly, dropping her gun in fear, as she found herself faced with a very large duck; at least fifty percent taller than her, and clearly several times stronger. Obviously, he was in some way related to the ducklings she'd just frightened. Olivia smiled ingratiatingly to him, putting the gun on the ground, and in a moment more, discovered firsthand that her arms and legs could bend in many interesting ways. Minerva rose back out of the water with a big smile, throwing her hair back, and causing tiny droplets to fly through the air, just before she headed back for her home.

* * *

Having finally recuperated (for the most part) with some extensive yoga exercises, Olivia decided to take the one method to victory that she was sure would work. She decided to blow up Minerva's whole house from a distance with a grenade launcher.

Standing on a nearby hillside, Olivia fired, watching the grenade fly towards her enemy's home, and she was so intent upon that sight, that she didn't notice that Minerva Mink had walked right up behind her.

"Oh, there you are!" Minerva exclaimed, "I've been looking all over for you. Would you be a doll and hold this for a second?"

As Minerva said this, she dropped a very large magnet right into Olivia's hands, and walked off, watching from a distance as Olivia saw that the grenade was headed in her direction, and then noticed that the magnet was covered in glue. Immediately, Olivia was off and running, and Minerva could tell that depending on how well she'd trained, she might be running for a very long time.

"Well, that's that." Minerva said, marching back to her house, but just as she got to the door, her eyes and tongue stuck out of her face by nearly ten feet, performing a thorough visual sweep of the person in front of her. He was a stunningly handsome guy, with dark shades, a broad chin, and large muscles, and he was dressed in dark jeans and a red sweatshirt, and was wearing a beret.

"Hey, is Olivia around here anywhere?" the man asked.

"YabbayabbayabbaDOOEY!" Minerva screamed, running up to the man, and putting her arms on his big, broad shoulders, then exclaiming, "Oh, she just... ran out, but if you want, I could... keep you company."

"Oh, no thanks miss. S'aright." the guy replied, strutting off to go search for Olivia, and although Minerva had just won a big fight, she couldn't help but feel like in the end, she, and by extension everyone else, had lost.

So, Minerva Mink returned to her house, and fell asleep, dreaming of handsome princes and beautiful, luxurious castles, never suspecting that someone not far away was making preparations to sweep her home, pond and forest away...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "I didn't have much fun fighting Olivia, but if nothing else, it wasn't too hard. I just had to keep a cool head and outsmart her. But wait, what's this? I don't own the land I'm living on? Well, that figures. My parents were minks, after all, but somebody wants to tear it all down now. Of course, you know I won't take that sitting down, so be sure to catch next issue, when I'll really give it my all."

* * *

Alright. Next up, I ought to mention that Olivia is the fruit of a bit of Mink-research I did, which states that real minks and otters get into disputes over territory on occasion, so Olivia's species and motivation are very similar to a real otter's motivation for fighting with a mink.

P.S.: I know a lot of people will take issue with the hardware Olivia lugs around in this chapter, but I think you'll find that if you were to combine Elmer Fudd with Slappy Squirrel, you'd pretty much have all of those weapons and more besides included in the package. To be honest, the rampant use of heavy weapons and very large bombs was a large component of the humor in early Animaniacs, and one of the things I miss most about the cartoon renaissance of the early nineties.


	19. Issue 19: The March of Progress

Minktales

Issue 19

"The March of Progress"

On a normal day, Minerva Mink would have woken to the chirping of birds and the chattering of squirrels and raccoons, and other assorted sounds made by woodland and pond side animals, and she would have woken fresh and well-rested, ready to begin a new day.

On that day, however, Minerva Mink was jarred awake by the sound of a chainsaw.

Immediately throwing on her bathrobe, Minerva stepped outside to take a look around. Not far off to the left, she spotted the source of the unpleasant noise; a man dressed in yellow, with a name tag that said "Clive" was using his saw to cut into one of the trees, only a dozen or so yards from Minerva's log house.

"Well," Minerva thought aloud, though no one heard her over the chainsaw's buzz, "I guess I'll have to put a stop to that."

Slowly, Minerva got closer to Clive, as he pushed further through the tree's outer bark, and at last, when she was only a few yards away from him, he caught sight of her, and the chainsaw fell, no longer operating, from his hands.

"Vavavavoowow!" Clive exclaimed, his whole body convulsing as Minerva slowly approached, her eyes half-closed, and her mouth formed into a tight, little frown.

There were others nearby as well. Once she stepped out of the woods, Minerva could see that. Clive wasn't alone. The others had names like "Steve," "Randy," and "Ben," but there were no more than a dozen of them, and they all seemed to be men.

"Alright, boys." Minerva said, as the poor men trembled in passion, "You've got my attention, now let's leave these poor woods out of it, mmm'kay?"

That last word was delivered with a stylish purse, that closely resembled a kiss in mid-air, and one of the workers fell to the ground in a dead faint the moment he saw that. The others merely started whistling and shouting cheers, flying into the air, or digging into the ground in a number of wild takes. Clive was the only one there, ironically, who could still speak a moment later, when Minerva asked, "Why were you boys trying to hurt my poor trees anyway?"

"B-beats me." Clive replied, "Doesn't seem as important now..."

However, Minerva wasn't going to give up. Grabbing Clive gently by the chin, she raised his head closer to hers, and said "Oh, come on. You can tell me."

"Yow!" Clive exclaimed, "Alright, alright! The truth is, there's big development planned here. Some kind of parking garage or something they want to build here for Enormous Monster Generic Work Co."

"They can't build on other people's land." Minerva muttered, "Not without permission, which I'm sure I didn't give them."

"The way I heard it..." Clive replied, "...they got the deed to the land, which must mean you don't own it. Not that you're not in the right, of course."

"Darn!" Minerva exclaimed, dropping Clive to the ground, where he obediently fainted, "These geeks won't bother me anymore, but if someone else owns my land, that could be a problem. My parents probably never tried to actually buy it, what with being minks and all. I guess I shouldn't be surprised."

"Alright." Minerva decided, "I'll just have to go and see this land-owning person, so I don't get the chainsaw alarm clock treatment again from some... other unsuspecting souls."

So, Minerva headed off into the city to start asking questions about the land just outside of town, where she lived...

* * *

Minerva sighed as she looked at the clock, up on one of the walls. Five thirty PM and still counting. She turned aside from the blank, white walls and the boring wooden furniture, to look back at the only other person in the room with her, as she silently cursed the cruel fate that made the majority of all receptionists women. If not for that, she would, she was quite confident, have been in the project director's office three hours ago, instead of having to wait outside until he was finished with his phone calls.

Minerva Mink did have one advantage, though. Her hearing was a lot better than a human's, and so she twitched her ears in the direction of the project director's office to listen, and was glad she did, as the project director (a woman, Minerva was surprised to learn,) was screaming into the telephone very loudly and angrily, in words that made her feel all warm and tingly inside. She'd really gone all out with that person, because, of course, her house and home in the woods by the pond were important things to her, but it was more than that. On some level, Minerva was used to being nearly untouchable, and she wanted whoever was in charge of the project to know that. There was some vindictiveness in that wish, perhaps, but it was forgivable.

"You what?" Screamed the project director, "I don't care! You'll do what I pay you to!"

There was a pause, then she continued screaming, "What you do mean there are more important things than money? Name one!"

Another pause.

"Well, what good is that going to do you if I fire you?"

Pause.

"Fine! I will! Good luck being unemployed!"

Then, the project director slammed the phone down, and picked it up again almost at once, dialing another number. She seemed to calm herself down a few notches, as she said, "I'm calling about those seventeen workers you said you had for me in case... WHAT?"

Minerva chuckled. Nail number two had just been driven into the coffin of "the project."

"What are you talking about? Well, they were there this morning, right? What would make them do that?"

"I don't believe this!" the project director exclaimed as she hung up. She dialed one more number after that, to more frustration, and was dialing a third, when she discovered that the line had gone dead.

Minerva had to put her face in her hands, she was laughing so hard.

In just a moment, the project director burst through the door to her office, and struggled for composure as she turned to the receptionist, and asked, "Eileen, what's going on? All the phones just went dead."

"I don't know, miss." Eileen replied, "Maybe you should call the switchboard operator."

"I CAN'T call the switchboard operator! I don't have a phone!" the project director exclaimed, openly furious by that point, but then, she saw Minerva, who was wiping a tear from her eye, as she put on her most civil expression and faced the woman who was apparently in charge.

"I think I know what your problem is." Minerva said, trying her best not to burst out laughing as she spoke, "There are two telephone technicians working on your phone lines just outside the building. Adding some new wiring component or something. I... saw them... on the way in."

"And just who in the name of Mary Kay are you?" the project director asked, leading Minerva to shoot her a "you should know better" look, but she replied anyway.

"My name is Minerva Mink, and I want you to stop the South Woods Lot Project right away."

"Oh, great. You want me to stop the..." the project director muttered, her long brown hair frizzing up, as she spoke angrily, "Look, this project was cleared last month, so if you want it stopped, I suggest you talk to the land's owner. Have him call me, or something."

"I already tried that." Minerva said, "But your line was busy for some reason, so I came over in person. You see, I am that land's owner."

For a moment, the project director froze. She'd been about to check, to see if her phone was working again, but what Minerva was saying was very serious.

"You're NOT the owner of that land." the project director said, looking into Minerva's eyes with her own, which, Minerva noticed, were red, "The owner of that entire eight acre plot is C. G. Monsaul; CEO of the Enormous Monster Generic Work Company."

"It's actually a ten acre plot," Minerva corrected her, "and it's mine."

As Minerva said that, she held up a slip of paper, right in front of the project director's nose, and the woman looked it over in awe for several seconds, before her expression hardened, and she said "Maybe you'd better come into my office."

* * *

The next half hour or so was spent in verifying the authenticity of the document that Minerva had been holding. They couldn't get hold of C. G. Monsaul on the telephone, even after Eileen went across the street to use the pay phone (the phone that was still working,) so they couldn't confirm it from his end, but everything else seemed to be in order.

"I just don't get it." the project director (whose name, according to the card on her desk, was Francine Knowles,) said as she sat down behind her desk, handing the deed back to Minerva, "This morning, Mr. Monsaul had that deed right next to him. He called me when the work hours first started, to let me know I could go through with it. I don't see how you could have..."

"He wanted me to call him Chuckie." Minerva muttered, but Francine apparently had good ears, because at once, her expression sharpened, and she looked right at Minerva with a stony-faced stare.

"What... did you just say?"

"I said he wanted me to call him Chuckie." Minerva repeated, a little louder, "He can be surprisingly tender, once you get through all that gruff, businessy stuff."

"You mean that you've actually met C. G. Monsaul?" Francine asked, "Tender? People in the corporate world call him the charging bull! There's no one less tender!"

"Oh, you don't know him at all." Minerva replied, "I wouldn't want to date him for a prolonged period, of course, but when you strip away his defenses, and find his heart, he can be very generous. This deed right here is worth over a hundred thousand dollars, but he handed it over like it was nothing, and all I had to do was give him one little kiss when the transaction was over. I hope the poor dear recovers soon."

"Well, whatever you did, you made a laughingstock out of this company," Francine replied icily, "to say nothing of the manpower hours and gasoline we've wasted."

"Oh, I think I might be able to reimburse you," Minerva replied, smiling sideways at Francine, as she drew a credit card out of her wallet between her middle and forefinger, "provided you do one little thing for me..."

* * *

Minerva Mink smiled, as she ran through the woods. There were more trees than ever in her newly-acquired property, but more importantly, her daily jogs in between those trees had become easier on her feet, as a small, clear path wound in and out of the trees, unpaved, but flat and even, and no less effective for exercise.

"Well," she gasped aloud, as the sun started to set on the horizon, gazing out over all the land she could see, and knowing, on some level, that it belonged to her, "I hope I never have to go through that again. A beautiful girl like me shouldn't have to work so hard to get what she wants."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Yes, that was a struggle, but at least I came out on top in the end. In the next issue of Minktales, however, I'll have to face something far more intense; a young man named Clayton who's being beaten to near-unconsciousness. But this man has a special trait that I've always dismissed as dumb luck, and a special power that only one man in a thousand has, and I think I may just want to find out what it is. I'm sure you'll be interested in finding out too, because it's gonna be a real eye-opener!"

* * *

Alright. I think I'd better say a few things at the tail end of this issue of Minktales too, since people have a lot of questions and stuff. First, I sort of can't picture Minerva winning against Olivia in a genuine physical fight, except by maybe getting some guy to do it for her, because I've always seen Minerva in sort of a Bugs Bunny meets Marilyn Munroe light, and of the two of them, Bugs was the one who had to work to outsmart his enemies most often, but he rarely won by force. As for Marilyn… she rarely won by force either. Not to say that Minerva Mink isn't, shouldn't or can't be powerful. I think this whole chapter pretty much proves that's not what I'm saying. Bugs was very, very dangerous in "Rebel Rabbit," and Minerva could be too, if she really wanted to, but she's sort of dangerous in a clever, humorous, cartoon kind of way.

I also wanted to mention that fast-paced and clever humor can certainly exist without slapstick; it's just funnier when the two coexist, in my mind.

Olivia is an original character that I created with other Looney Tunes and Animaniacs characters in mind, but isn't a composite character per se. She's unique in many ways.

Lastly, the idea of artwork to go with this has been brought up. Unfortunately, actually adding artwork to the story doesn't seem feasible; at least on this web site, but people keep mentioning fan art and fan comics, and I have to admit, the idea is tempting, particularly since I'm not that bad at drawing cartoon characters like Minerva. The problem is that even if I knew of a place I could post it, I just wouldn't have the time to do all that drawing. It may not seem like it, considering how frequently I update, but I have a job, and the reason I do all this typing is that I find it to be such refreshing subject matter that it completely rejuvenates my emotional state. I could definitely do artwork sometime later, but it wouldn't, in my opinion, make much difference for these stories, and might slow them down a little.

Thanks for reading and reviewing. Peace and love all.

-Bra1n1ac-


	20. Issue 20: Guardian of Almost

Minktales

Issue 20

"Guardian of Almost"

In many places in the world, rare things are to be found. Certain species of bird can be found only in a specific section of the rainforest, some elements in soil are so rare, that they're virtually unusable in a practical sense, and of course, one can hardly overstate the rareness of a good movie containing Chevy Chase.

However, one thing that is exceedingly rare, no matter where you go, is a violent street gang made up entirely of girls.

It was in the security of that knowledge that Minerva Mink wandered up and down alleyways and side streets in the city near her home with perfect calmness and self-assurance, knowing full well that any gangs she might have met up with would be made almost entirely of men, and men... Well, men were her element.

She'd met, in her city, several gangs, but they could never bring themselves to touch her. In fact, they always did just what she said once she got close enough.

The gang she saw further down in the alleyway that she was using as a shortcut to her favorite restaurant that day was no exception. The whole gang was entirely composed of high school to college-age boys, who were busy kicking someone, who was lying on the ground. The sight was repulsive to Minerva, so she got closer, staring directly at the faces of the gang members, and one by one, they started to notice her, as their eyes drifted to her hands, her legs, her arms and torso, but especially to her face, which was where she was wearing a stern, but still somehow girlish expression.

Minerva Mink watched as the gang members lost interest in their intended victim, and backed off. Quickly, she got closer to the man they'd been kicking. He was all curled up, as if still trying to protect his face with his arms, but she could see that he was covered in bruises. Just then, Minerva turned to her left, to look at the four gang members who were standing there; who were obviously the younger members of the group, and spoke.

"Now, you boys want to go to the library and do some reading. Get a good education if you want to impress girls like me."

Immediately, those four gang members fled, their emotions taken from their control by Minerva's presence.

"As for you boys..." she said, turning to face the three older gang members to the right, "You seem to have an education of some kind. I can sort of see it in your eyes."

Despite the fate of their comrades, all three perked up at that comment.

"But I'm not attracted to bullies." Minerva replied, turning back around, away from them, "So I suggest you all run along home and spend the night thinking about what that means, 'kay?"

For several seconds, no one moved, until Minerva turned back to face them again, and started walking towards them. Then, they fled too, as fast as their legs could carry them.

"Sheep." Minerva muttered under her breath, as she walked back over to the man who was still lying on the ground, and asked him, "Are you all in one piece?"

"W-what do you want?" the man asked, his voice muffled by his arms, which still covered his face.

"Well, not much." Minerva replied, looking a little shy, "I just saved your life, and now I'm checking to make sure you're... functional."

For a few moments, the man still seemed afraid, but at last, he uncovered his face, and got a good look at Minerva Mink. She was taken aback by that because, on average, men didn't try to take more than a glancing look at her directly.

The man Minerva had saved was clearly human. He had bright red hair and a very slender form, but not bony-looking. He also had deep, penetrating, dark eyes, and a fairly strong-looking chin. His cheekbones were narrow, and his nose was somewhat long and arched. In fact, if not for the bruises all over him, he might have struck Minerva Mink as being... no too bad-looking. Not fantastically handsome, but not ugly. He was dressed in a deep blue, short, cloth jacket and a light blue, collared shirt with black pants, which had belt loops, but no belt to go in them. His shoes were nice, but not extremely fancy. Just a sort of casual shoe, without going into sneaker territory, which indicated to Minerva that he had money, but wasn't off to a fancy occasion.

"I don't understand how you got those men to leave." the man said, getting, with a limp, to his feet.

"Really?" Minerva asked, "You mean, you don't know what they were feeling?"

Then, the man did something that very few men ever did. He looked Minerva Mink directly in the eye, and asked her point blank, "How'd you do it?"

"I gave them a stern scolding." she replied hurriedly, starting to feel afraid.

The man chuckled, although that seemed painful for him, as he steadied himself against a nearby wall.

"You're right." he said, "You may have saved my life, and I should be thanking you for that, so... thank you. My name's Clayton Lawrence. I'm... new around here."

"Minerva Mink." Minerva replied, still worried, "Where do you come from?"

"Ohio." Clayton replied, "I came here because the education opportunities are a little better, but as soon as I'm done, I plan on moving right back there."

As an experiment, Minerva moved closer to Clayton, and poked him in the shoulder. He seemed to don a quizzical expression as she did that, but didn't respond otherwise, so she poked him again, that time in the arm.

"Ow!" Clayton exclaimed, stepping back a bit, "I'm still a little tender there. Unless this is a medical examination, would you mind not doing that?"

"I should apologize." Minerva replied, "I've never met anyone like you."

"Well, you're not bad looking yourself," Clayton replied, "but all the best relationships start with slow friendships, you know. I mean, if that's what you're aiming for. I don't want to presume..."

"Not bad looking?" Minerva had arrived at an emotional bridge between anger and extreme curiosity, as she spoke with Clayton, "What is wrong with you, anyway?"

"Look, if you're fishing for bigger compliments, maybe we should get to know each other better." Clayton replied, but Minerva was already standing less than an inch from his chest, looking up into his face. Her cute, little button nose was so close to his long, arched one, that her fur probably could have tickled him, but still, he barely blinked.

"No man has ever asked to get to know me better for as long as I've lived." Minerva Mink replied.

"Well, I can't say I'm surprised." Clayton replied, "My most recent 'acquaintance' with the local culture has hardly been encouraging, and if that's the sort of people you have to deal with on a regular basis..."

"It doesn't matter who I deal with, where I go or what I do." Minerva replied, "Short of wrapping myself in bandages, or covering myself with a robe and hood, I can't get men to treat me like other girls. The moment men lay eyes on me, they're completely overcome with love. I'm a center-point of emotions. People don't talk with me casually."

"Well, I do." Clayton replied.

"Exactly!" Minerva exclaimed, clearly infuriated, "What is your problem anyway?"

"Problem?" Clayton seemed dumbfounded, "Well, short of being in a lot of pain, I don't think I have one. You seem to, though, if people treat you like you say they do."

"I've been the sole object of attraction while standing among a crowd of women from men who were athletes, shoppers, librarians, scientists, judges, city officials and even college professors. Not one of them has been able to maintain intelligent speech when they talked to me, so what makes you so special, exactly?"

Clayton seemed not to understand a word of what she was saying, but when he finally figured it out, he tried to chuckle again for a moment, before saying "Oh, come on. You can't really be that fearsome."

"Follow me." Minerva said darkly, as she left the alleyway and stepped into the main street. Instantly, cars screeched to a halt, and pedestrians began to babble incoherently. Eyes swelled and tongues hung out as people stared, sweated and in the end, started to let out exclamations like "oohboyoboyoboy!" or "Eewowboscoandhoney!"

People were scrambling, crawling and climbing all over each other to get a better look at Minerva, as she turned to head back into the alleyway.

"No matter where I go, it's the same way," she explained quickly, "and there are disadvantages to it, I guess, but on the whole, I sort of like it that way. So, how exactly did you manage to escape that fate for yourself? I've met injured people who were up and scrambling in a second for my attention. I've met people from all fifty states, but not one of them can resist me like you can. What's your explanation, buster?"

"Whoa." Clayton said, clearly shocked and worried by what he was seeing, "Miss Mink, from where I'm standing, you're the one who needs explaining."

"What's protecting you?" Minerva demanded, "Who or what is guarding you against me?"

"I don't know!" Clayton exclaimed angrily, "I... I just don't know, alright? Look, I think I'd better get some medical attention, and to be honest, I don't know what to hope for, for you. If you find out the real nature of relationships, it could torture a person like you, because you'd have to search a hundred thousand men to find just one who could take a relationship seriously. I mean, one genuine man. Darn! It's so hard to explain. You don't know what I'm talking about, and maybe that's for the best. Just... good luck, anyway."

But Minerva did know what Clayton was talking about, and as she walked home that day; a discontented Mink, she heard some rustling in the bushes, and said sadly, "Let's pick this up tomorrow, huh Newt? I'm not really in the mood."

Then, Minerva closed her front door behind her, and went to bed with a great deal on her mind. She knew for certain that Clayton Lawrence was a man gifted with some form of protection from her charm, but why and how that protection worked were still a mystery. Every so often, there was a man who could resist her. They were rare; extremely rare, but they did exist, and for the first time, it occurred to Minerva Mink that some of those men might be ordinary people; not just the absolute hunks she often pursued.

Those were the things that filled her mind as she turned out the lights, and drifted off to sleep that night.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, that sort of made me sad, but in the next Minktales, I have a pursuer again. It's not who you'd think, though. This pursuer is a desperate man, who'll do anything to accomplish his life dream; even go on a date with li'l ol' me. But can he make it through the date, and get what he's looking for, and if so, what is it? Did he really come to me for romance at all, or is there something else he wants? Well, it doesn't really matter, 'cause this hunk's got muscles of titanium alloy, and I can't wait to find out what he's got planned, next time on Minktales!"

* * *

I think I aught to mention that this next Minktales is part 1 of a three-parter, which I sort of wanted to seem like a full-length episode, with each part representing the space between commercial breaks.

Peace and love, all!


	21. Issue 21: At Her Feet Part 1

Minktales

Issue 21

"At Her Feet"

Part 1 of 3

"Oh, George! They're wonderful!" exclaimed a woman on television, "Kiss me, baby!"

"Narf! Knock his socks off, Martha!" Pinky exclaimed, waving his arms, as he watched the television attentively.

"Oh, Martha!" came a male voice from the television, "You don't know how long I've waited for you to ask me that!"

Then, loud smooching noises came from the television, and Pinky's eyes were in the shape of hearts, as she clasped both hands together, feeling for the couple on television.

"Turn that drivel off, Pinky." Brain remarked from the lab cage nearby, "You're distracting me."

"But Brain..." Pinky said, "This isn't dridelly, it's everybody's favorite romance show; Love Love Kissy Face."

"It's inane nonsense." Brain complained loudly, throwing down his pencil, and marching toward the television, to turn it off himself, with a foot to its power switch, "No one really behaves like that. Love Love Kissy Face is nothing but another in a long line of contrived, predictable soap operas, designed to prey on the emotions of the less intelligent."

"Oh, I don't know Brain." Pinky replied, "I think it makes me feel all warm and tingly inside."

"I rest my case." Brain remarked, rolling his eyes, as he returned to the cage to plan, then after only a moment, he turned to Pinky and said, "If you really need something to do, aside from chewing on pencil erasers and watching television, go find me someone who acts like that in real life. If you can do that, why, I'll-I'll treat you to macaroni and cheese the next time we go to a restaurant."

"Ooh, yummy! Narf!" Pinky exclaimed as he re-entered the cage himself, closing the door.

Just then, however, the lab door burst open, and a large, muscular wolf walking upright entered; his long, flowing hair and red bow-tie casting faint shadows, even in the dim light.

"Well, it's not much." Wilford said, turning around to welcome in the beautiful Mink, who he was, on that night, dating, "I'm only working here as a lab assistant, at the moment, but I have high hopes for this job. Some of the animals I work with are really something."

"Oh, Wilford!" Minerva Mink exclaimed from behind him, "I think it's wonderful! Kiss me, baby!"

"Oh, Minerva!" Wilford replied, turning to face her in the light coming in through the doorway, "You don't know how long I've waited for you to ask me that!"

"Oh, look." Pinky remarked, "There's one now, Brain. Zort!"

Brain, however, couldn't speak. He'd dropped the pencil he'd been working with, and was staring in awe at Minerva Mink; his mouth and eyes wide open. At last, tears began to flow from his eyes, as Minerva and Wilford kissed, then Wilford said "Come on. I'll show you the rest of the lab."

Then, the two of them were gone, and the lab door closed behind them, leaving Brain lying on the floor of the cage, stunned and disoriented for a moment. However, he shook it off in a few moments more, and exclaimed, "Pinky! Quickly! Bring me my sub-light, electrochemical analysis gauge!"

Pinky stood there for a moment, not sure what to say.

"Oh, the red, shiny meter!" Brain exclaimed.

"Oh! Alright, Brain." Pinky replied, and in moments, he'd returned with the Brain's brilliantly-designed device; a red meter that bore a great deal of resemblance to a small Geiger counter.

"It must be there!" Brain thought aloud, tuning the dials on his machine, "It's... it's... YES!"

"Pinky!" the Brain exclaimed, "I owe you a macaroni and cheese, but more importantly, I've discovered something new about myself; a weakness that I can now begin to eliminate."

"Oh, goody! Narf!" Pinky exclaimed, breaking into a singsong voice, "I love the cheesy noodles! Narf!"

"Yes, I'm sure, my friend," Brain replied, "but this is far more important a discovery. You see, I've suspected for some time now that all emotions are influenced by invisible energy impulses, which direct the electrochemical structure of our brains, and I've just discovered which impulses are responsible for that. The woman who just left... That... That Mink. She projects strong energy pulses of a very specific frequency, clearly intended to entrap most, if not all men in a sensation of unrelenting love, using their own brain chemistry against them. Do you know what that means, Pinky?"

"Uh..." Pinky said for a moment, scratched his head, then replied, "I like the cheese?"

"A worthy effort, my cerebrally-challenged comrade." Brain replied, "But no. It means that some beings in the world project emotion-manipulating energy, to control the feelings of others. If I want to take over the world, I need to find a way to make myself immune to this obstacle, and stand above mankind, as a rock of emotional stability! I wonder how one can be shielded from this energy, however... The feelings of love surrounding that Mink are strong, but... they must have a weakness."

"Narf! Right, Brain." Pinky replied, "I mean, it's not like she could just dance into the oval office, and say 'oh, please, Mr. President, give me your country,' and he'd just go ahead and do it. Troz!"

Instantly, Brain was facing Pinky, with a large smile on his face, as images of electrons and protons danced, rotated and orbited in his eyes.

"YES!" Brain exclaimed, raising both fists into the air.

"Pinky!" Brain shouted joyously, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Brain." Pinky replied, "But you'd look absolutely terrible in a bow tie."

"No, Pinky." Brain exclaimed, grabbing him by the nose, "If we can find some way to harness the strength of that Mink's power for ourselves, we could take over the world!"

"Egad Brain! Brilliant! Oh, wait. No, no." Pinky replied, "How are you going to do that, Brain?"

"Unfortunately, Pinky, that part will take a good deal more work, but I have a solution."

"You see," the Brain continued, "I am confident that the secret of the Mink's power is encoded within her deoxyribonucleic acids, or DNA."

As he spoke, the Brain began punching keys on the nearby computer, by jumping on them, revealing an image of a helix with the letters D N and A under it.

"In DNA, there are many parts of the code that seem inactive or inert." Brain tried to explain to his clueless assistant, "Some of these parts can be made active, but very few people understand what would happen if they were. I'm confident that her unintentional ability to direct emotional love-manipulating energy at others is the result of a difference in her DNA, but if I want to harness this power for myself, I need to acquire some of her DNA to analyze, and generally experiment on; like a piece of skin, a nail clipping, or even a living hair."

"But how are you going to get her d'nahs, Brain?" Pinky asked, badly mispronouncing DNA.

"Unfortunately," Brain replied, "I'd need to get very close to her to do that, and I doubt she plans on coming back into the lab... I think, some form of... social outing is in order."

"You mean, you're going to invite her out on a date, Brain?" Pinky asked, amazed at the very thought.

"No!" Brain exclaimed, "Not a date! Just a chance for the two of us to get... very, very close to one another... so that I can acquire a hair sample."

"Pfft! Good luck, Brain. Zort!" Pinky replied, folding his arms, "But you'll have to wait in line."

"What?" Brain asked, "Wait in line? what are you talking about?"

"Well, everybody's in love with Minerva Mink, Brain." Pinky replied, "Don't you ever watch the news?"

With that, Pinky stepped on the remote control for the television, and the news came on, with hosts Mary and John on the television. However, instead of both of them smiling, as usual, only John was smiling. Mary was leaning over on the desk, resting her right cheek in one hand, looking very irritated.

"In other news, Minerva Mink made headlines AGAIN as she convinced yet another gang of bank robbers to turn themselves in," Mary recited, as though reading algebra equations aloud, "and then proceeded downtown, to buy ANOTHER new swimsuit. Thrillsville."

As Mary recited that, video clips of Minerva Mink were being shown on the television screen in the background, and both Brain and John seemed fixated on them.

"Oh, Mary!" John exclaimed, "Everyone loves Minerva, don't they? I know I do. Coming up next..."

"What about ME, John?" Mary asked irritably.

"Oh. Well, if anything, when I see clips like that, it makes you seem just like a sister to me!" John replied with another confident smile, which fell immediately with the next thing that Mary said.

"We've been dating for three months, John."

"Oh! Oh..." John just said in reply, his face and shoulders drooping in dismay, but the clips were done, so Brain turned off the television.

"I see what you mean, Pinky." Brain said as he slid down a table leg to the floor, and headed over to a door at the other side of the room, "Clearly, we'll need to appeal to her tastes, if we even want to get close to her, but I have a solution to that as well."

"The wolf that she seemed interested in; Wilford. He had very long hair, and large muscles. Clearly, those are preferences of hers, in terms of appearance. Of course, once she's paying attention to me, my persuasive wit can do the rest, but I need the appearance of a large, manly figure, and if she likes muscles of steel..."

At that, Brain crawled under the closet door nearby, and in moments, it opened again, and he emerged once more, at the head of a robotic suit designed to resemble a big, strong-looking man in formal attire.

"...Let's see how she appreciates muscles built from titanium alloy." Brain finished his sentence. The robotic suit he was wearing made him, if anything, larger than most ordinary humans by about six inches, even though the head sticking out of the top was really his own, slightly-larger than mouse-sized one.

In a moment more, Brain had reached into a nearby drawer with the suit's hands, and had attached a wig to his head, giving himself long, black hair.

"Ooh, Brain!" Pinky exclaimed, "Let me come too, Brain! It'll be fun fun silly willy! Narf!"

So, smiling, Brain reached down to the floor, picked up Pinky, and put him in the suit's outer coat pocket, then opened the door and was off, heading away from Acme Labs, and towards the woods, where Minerva Mink lived.

To be Continued...

* * *

Stay tuned for the next Minktales, when Brain's date with Minerva goes a little strangely, as his monumental strength of will is put to the test, and what is Pinky's role in all this?


	22. Issue 22: At Her Feet Part 2

Minktales

Issue 22

"At Her Feet"

Part 2 of 3

As the sun came up, Minerva Mink had waved good-bye to Wilford, and then left for home, heading to bed for the morning. When she woke up, it was past noon, and so, the routine of her day was thrown off, but it had been worth it. Dates with Wilford always were. Whenever she was around him in his transformed state, a series of powerful, irresistible emotions shot through her. It was a sensation she rarely felt around anyone.

Minerva had to hurry a little to get everything done on that day, and she was just sorting through her mail at six PM, when she heard a hard knock on her door, as if the hand responsible for it was strong to almost an unnatural level. Carefully straightening her hair, Minerva Mink opened the door, and was quite surprised by the sight of the person who was standing there. In terms of his figure and his hairstyle, he looked like an absolute hunk, but his head, and especially his face were very tiny by comparison. The contrast added a type of Frankenstein look to someone who might otherwise have sent Minerva Mink into hysterics of love.

"Hello." the mysterious man said, holding out a bouquet of flowers, "I am the b... The b-b..."

Minerva carefully reached behind the doorway's edge, selected one of several handkerchiefs that she kept there for just such an emergency, and draped it over the man's face. The man, who seemed to have been going into passion-induced convulsions just a moment before, began to calm down, and slowly said, "I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. I am the Brain, and I would like to ask you to come to the theater with me."

Of course, even to the Brain, who wasn't normally a social creature, it sounded forward, but Minerva Mink had gotten virtually all of her past dates in that exact same way, so she genuinely thought about it, as she took the bouquet from his hands, and put the flowers up, over the bottom half of her face to smell them.

"What do you do for a living?" she asked.

"Well, I..." Brain stammered, for a moment, unsure of what to say, but he couldn't lie to her. Not outright, anyway, so he said "I do lab work, mostly."

"Scientist, huh?" Minerva asked, feeling a little let down, but Brain quickly replied.

"Yes, but I was thinking of moving into politics fairly soon."

"How soon?" Minerva asked, suddenly interested.

"Within the next twenty-four hours, if things go as planned." Brain replied, genuinely smiling at that point, until Minerva took the cloth back from over his head, and he felt the emotions pressing in on his mind... on his heart. However, they vanished quickly, as Minerva had gone back into her house with the flowers and cloth, and in a moment, Brain could hear the sound of something being snipped, then the sink was turned on, and a moment later, something made of glass was being put on a table inside.

"Well," Minerva said, as she returned from inside the house, and that time, Brain was careful to put his own handkerchief over his eyes, "I don't go to regular cinemas, but if you'd like to head to the drive-in, I suppose I could spare a couple hours."

"Actually," Brain replied from behind his handkerchief, "I had a... different sort of theater in mind."

* * *

Indeed he had, for the two of them wound up sitting in two seats, at a play about one of the Caesars of ancient Rome. A lot of it seemed to go over Minerva's head, and it soon became obvious that as much as the subject matter usually fired the Brain's very soul, he wasn't getting anything accomplished in there, so tapping Minerva on the shoulder as lightly as he could, the two of them left.

"It's just as well," the Brain thought silently, "I couldn't have even seen the play with that handkerchief over my eyes."

Of course, had the Brain been in his normal state of mind, he might have realized the fatal flaw in his plan. He'd relied on his mighty brain to protect him from Minerva's charm; to maintain control over himself long enough to get a lock of her hair, and obviously, it couldn't. In fact, every time he so much as thought of taking the scissors in his pocket to those miraculous, golden, perfect strands, which hung about Minerva's shoulders, he got a feeling of intense emotional pain in his heart. She was perfect as she was. Would he have changed her for... for... changed her for...

The Brain dared not finish the sentence, even in his thoughts, because although his feelings were directing him in the only course of action he could take, his conscious thoughts for most of his life had been in pursuing another woman. A woman four and a half billion years Minerva's senior. A woman who was huge, round, and wet on over two thirds of her surface, and whenever he thought of his past goals in Minerva's presence, his heart ached, because although he knew that he had a good reason for what he wanted, his feelings were telling him that his pursuit of his other main motivation would be like cheating on Minerva; betraying her trust in pursuit of another. Some conscious thought that his emotions were trying to drown out continued to scream that it had to be done, but how could he do it? How?

Before he knew it, Minerva and the Brain were seated in Minerva's convertible, just outside her log house in the woods, looking up at the stars, and a sound was coming out of Minerva's mouth, which seemed to have just ended.

"What?" Brain asked, struggling for conscious alertness.

"I said I never get... Ow. Darn mosquitoes. I never get tired of this sight. The stars in the night sky. When you see them from here, the stars look like the world; full of hearts, each one gleaming with a tiny light that takes up only a small portion of the heart, but when you look right at it, it reveals itself."

The Brain sighed. Minerva was being so poetic, but he needed to reply, and he was afraid his reply would be incompetent, or at least unimaginative.

"Minerva," Brain said, "Stars are continuous, self-sustaining nuclear explosions, and yes; there is a vast distance between them. I'm afraid most people don't know as much about hearts as you seem to. People generally hide their brighter sides around others."

"Not around me." Minerva replied, "That's my real gift. When I'm there, no one can disguise their compassion or their energy. It may turn them into idiots at times, but as long as they're energetic and happy, they make fantastic company nonetheless."

"Yes..." Brain replied slowly, "I... have a friend that you've just described perfectly, and he... can be nice to talk to at times."

"What's your friend's name?" Minerva asked.

"Pinky." Brain replied a little too readily, "He... has hobbies of his own that keep him very busy for much of the time, but I might introduce you to him one of these months."

Brain had expected Pinky to speak up, asking to be introduced then and there, but for some reason, Pinky was remaining silent for once.

Minerva giggled delightfully in a way that made Brain's heart truly melt, then she said, "I'd like that. Good night, Brain."

Then Minerva pulled the handkerchief away from Brain's face, and the feelings he'd been subjected to before became stronger and stronger, as he realized that she was leaning over him, looking into his eyes.

"W-what are you doing?" Brain asked.

"I'm gonna knock your socks off, Brain." Minerva said, "Have a nice nap. When you wake up, you can leave right away. You don't have to let me know."

Then, Minerva Mink gave the Brain a tiny peck on his disproportioned noggin, and he was out like a light when she left him in the driver's seat of her convertible, taking the keys with her, to return to her bed and try to get a good rest for the remainder of the night. Still, she had to admire the bouquet in the vase, on the way in.

* * *

"Brain! Brain! Wake up, Brain! We have to go take over the world... or something!"

Hearing the voice, Brain struggled to wake. His heart was still pounding like a jackhammer, but he managed to get himself awake after only a moment or two of shifting in his control seat, in the mechanical suit he was wearing.

"Oh... Pinky?" Brain asked, at which Pinky popped his head up, over the chest of the suit, to look Brain in the eye with his usual expression; vacant but cheerful.

"Brain!" Pinky exclaimed, "You're awake! Narf!"

"Pinky?" Brain asked, "How long was I out?"

"Hmmm..." Pinky seemed to be deep in thought, then finally replied, "Well, when Minerva gave you that big smooch, the hands on the robot's watch looked like this..." at that, Pinky moved his own arms and legs into an odd configuration, "and now they look like this! Narf!"

Then Pinky twisted his arms and legs into a different shape, just before losing his balance and falling over, laughing happily as he did so.

"Three hours," Brain realized aloud, stepping over the side of Minerva's convertible, still in the robotic suit, and that time, with Pinky in one hand, "and I have noth... nothi... to sh... to sh..."

Brain tried to say the same thing more than once, but his lips refused to speak such a lie. He couldn't say that he had nothing to show for his troubles, because for the first time in months, he was feeling emotionally liberated, as if someone had gone into his emotional motivations, and removed a lot of big, heavy chains that had surrounded his soul.

"I couldn't get the hair, Pinky." Brain admitted at last, "I tried and I tried, but I couldn't bring myself to do it."

"Oh, don't worry about that, Brain." Pinky replied, and Brain felt his emotions tearing him in two again, at what he saw in Pinky's paw. It was five strands of beautiful, golden hair, each about a foot long.

"W-when did you get those?" Brain asked, tentatively.

"Oh, just before you starting talking about nucular balls in the dark." Pinky replied, "Are you happy now, Brain?"

Brain's heart sank further and further into his stomach as he said, unenthusiastically, "Y... yes."

To be Continued...

* * *

In the final chapter of "At her feet," in the next Minktales, the Brain will use the precious ingredients to launch his bid for global domination, but something has gone wrong, and Brain himself feels largely dominated. Will he survive the experience, or will he finally be found out?


	23. Issue 23: At Her Feet Part 3

Minktales

Issue 23

"At Her Feet"

Part 3 of 3

By the time Pinky and the Brain got back to Acme Labs, some part of the Brain's old enthusiasm for his work had returned, and he readily snatched the strands of hair from Pinky's hand, and put them in a glass slide, labeling the slide "love hairs."

Then, the Brain took the slide across the lab, to another of his brilliant inventions; the molecular microscope, which could reveal the visible shape of the DNA within the hairs for a fraction of a second, then project that image onto the screen of the lab's main computer. It would, the Brain was certain, give him all the information he needed.

Indeed it did. Almost the very instant that the Brain saw the helix strand, he knew just what was causing the unusual properties that surrounded Minerva Mink. Three extra links in her DNA were active, and charged with energy particles that flowed into those links, and were repelled in all directions, and from those energy particles, the Brain discovered the precise frequency of the energy that instilled incredible love in whomever it touched.

For the next several hours, the brain was hard at work, designing a new type of energy pulse device, hooking it directly into the lab's central power, so that it wouldn't have to use up any of the energy it was manipulating. Then, as he closed the last panel on the device, he genuinely smiled at the sight of it. It was a machine, about the size of a football, with a hose-like nozzle attached to one end, and an electrode-looking device on the top. Power cords ran into most of its other visible sides.

"Now, all I have to do is tell this machine to recognize me as the object of affection." Brain replied, "Simply put, I need it to scan me."

"Narf! Brilliant, Brain!" Pinky exclaimed, "Then handsome guys everywhere will fall all over you... ooh..."

"Yes, Pinky." Brain replied, "That's true, but this device will also effect women and children, and will cover a distance of ten thousand miles from this very spot. In short, every living creature on planet Earth will instantly love and obey me; their beloved and invaluable new ruler!"

Immediately, Brain stepped in front of the nozzle, then said; "Pinky. Throw the blue switch."

Straining his shoulders and arms, Pinky did just that, flipping the switch that was blue into its upright position. Instantly, beams of light emerged from the nozzle, and struck the Brain, covering his arms, legs, head, tail and torso with a glowing radiance.

"You may turn it off now, Pinky." the brightly-glowing Brain replied, and Pinky obediently did so. As the machine shut down again, the glow around the Brain's body faded.

"Perfect!" Brain replied, as he moved back over to the machine, "My pattern is encoded into the energy pulses. As soon as I activate the power, my image, my personality and my words will be sent out to every person on Earth, and they will be unable to resist obeying my commands!"

Pinky watched in awe with sparkling, though still uncomprehending eyes, as the Brain turned on the power to his device, and the field was generated, covering the whole world, and all the people and animals in it.

* * *

"Greetings to the inhabitants of planet Earth." Brain said aloud into the device, and instantly, every creature on Earth heard him, and fell in love at once, "I am the Brain, and as I'm certain you now realize, at last, after too long a time, it is my destiny to improve the lives of the people of planet Earth as... as..."

All he had to say was one word. All he had to say was "ruler." But Brain couldn't do it. Something held him back. It wasn't that he no longer wanted the world. That was ridiculous. He looked at the globe, on one of the nearby desks, to remind himself of his desire; his destiny. He wanted the world! He wanted complete control, and yet... And yet, it wasn't all he wanted anymore.

"...I want to bring greater happiness and satisfaction to all your lives as your... as your... Pinky, what's the point?" Brain exclaimed, flipping the power back off. and throwing the tiny microphone he'd been speaking into to the floor in rage at himself, and at his weakness.

"Brain?" Pinky asked, looking at him with eyes that never understood science, but somehow sought to understand him, "Didn't you want to take over the world with your hoozywhatsit?"

The Brain hung his head for a moment, and moved over to his cage, to sit down on its floor, as Pinky followed him. It was only at that point that Brain broke the utter silence.

"What's the matter with me?" Brain asked angrily, "Why can't I just take over the world? I've never been this close before! Why can't I just command the people to christen me their supreme overlord?"

"I think I know why, Brain." Pinky said, his eyes blinking rapidly as he spoke; "You're in LOVE."

"No!" the Brain exclaimed, "In love? Why, that's ridiculous! It's absurd! It's... it's..."

But as he ranted, he could see Pinky still smiling at him. Pinky might not have been bright enough to tell that apples are better to eat than cardboard, but he'd always been supportive, and he could see that there was a force growing in the Brain's heart, that was finally stronger than anything else, including his desire to dominate all life.

"I don't know what to do, Pinky." Brain said, putting his face in his hands, "Even with Billie, I never felt this strongly. You must have been immune, because of your... unusual brain chemistry, but it's destroying my self-control. If I can't even control myself, how can I control the world?"

"Oh, it's alright Brain." Pinky replied, patting the Brain on the back, "You don't have to take over the world if you don't want to. Zort!"

"Of course I want to!" Brain exclaimed, "I just can't... I just can't... I just can't use Minerva to do it. She's beautiful, of course, but more importantly, she sees the world so beautifully. I can't... I can't just manhandle that."

With those words, the Brain marched over to his machine, and started disconnecting it from the power supplies, and retrieving all the data from its hard drive, to put on disk, even as Pinky dragged out the hairs, and put them in plain sight, where the Brain could decide what to do with them.

* * *

Two nights later, the Brain was hard at work, devising another plan to alter the brain chemistry of human beings, using a complex formula that could be encoded into addictive cheese snacks, when the door of the lab burst open, and the Brain quickly hid his plans under the food pellet dish, and took up his post at the side of the cage with Pinky, to watch the doorway, through which someone was entering, but the Brain froze in terror at the sight of who it was.

Minerva Mink looked around the room, searching through some test tubes and microscope slides on a shelf, just before she noticed the scattered, disjointed machine parts lying on the table next to the cage containing two lab mice. Smiling at the sight, she began looking around on the floor, and discovered, inside the garbage can closest to the cage, the burnt-out remains of an old disk, and a half-melted slide containing ash, with a label that could only faintly still be read; "love hairs."

Minerva smiled, and put the garbage can back, then brushed off her hands, and was about to leave, when something else seemed to have occurred to her, and with curiosity and amazement in her eyes, Minerva turned back, to look at the cage with the two lab mice inside, and smiled.

Slowly, she started towards the cage, and although Pinky continued to look at her from where he was, Brain backed off rapidly, skittering to the back of the cage like the scared lab mouse he was.

"This must be Pinky." Minerva said, with a truly friendly smile, as she held out one finger for Pinky to shake.

"Poit! Nice to meet you, Minerva!" Pinky exclaimed, shaking her finger enthusiastically with his paws.

In only a second, however, Minerva had turned her penetrating smile on Brain, who felt like a rat, backed into a corner by a pursuer. She knew! She knew who he was! What would she do next? He was helpless!

However, as Minerva inched a bit closer to his side of the cage, her lips forming into a half-pucker, her words were filled with kindness and gratitude.

"You gave up your dreams and your goals because you cared about me. Thank you. It's one of the nicest things I've ever seen anyone do."

Then, Minerva straightened back up, and headed for the door, but on the way out, she remarked "Call me sometime, and bring your friend. I like his boldness and energy."

Soon, the door was shut, and Minerva Mink had walked out of the Brain's life.

After that, Brain collapsed to the floor of the cage in half-relief.

"Narf!" Pinky exclaimed, "Oh, boy, Brain! Does this mean you have a girlfriend now?"

However, the Brain's expression hardened as he got slowly to his feet, and Pinky knew in that instant that he'd guessed wrong.

"No, Pinky." the Brain replied, "Believe me, it's a happy thought, but I can't afford to see her anymore. Whenever she's around, I lose both control and focus, and I need both of those in preparation for tonight."

"Why Brain?" Pinky asked, "What are we going to do tonight?"

"The same thing we do every night, Pinky..." the Brain replied enthusiastically, "Try to take over the world!"

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Wow! That was a kick in the teeth, and speaking of teeth, in the next Minktales, I have a dentist appointment, but my regular dentist; Gary has decided to bow out, and there's a new guy instead. Wait... I recognize him. It's so cute that he thinks that disguise will work against me, but it won't be cute if someone gets hurt in the crossfire. Hope to see you then!"

* * *

It may sound odd at the end of a story called "at her feet," but I was just thinking about where Minerva stands with regard to modern, extreme feminism, and I honestly can't imagine her going for it. I mean, modern feminism is really about pushing for women to work and compete as fiercely as men, and I think Minerva would lose interest in any such competition after only a few seconds. In her eyes, why bother working that hard if men do whatever you say anyways?

This brings me to yet another thing I love about Minerva. She has no reason to really get tough with anybody, and that only makes her more beautiful and enchanting, I think. She seems to realize that there's no point in trying to act like a man, if she can get the same stuff done (perhaps better) by acting like a woman. What's not to like about that kind of perspective? I think it just makes Minerva that much more awesome.


	24. Issue 24: Nothing but the Tooth

Minktales

Issue 24

"Nothing but the Tooth"

Orthodontist Gary Fenolds smiled as he led Mrs. Peterson back out into the lobby. On average, he'd learned to enjoy conversing with his patients, even when they were infuriated or frustrated with him. Infuriation and frustration were fine. They didn't really do damage to him in any way. He could always overcome by keeping a cool head and responding calmly and with patience. After all, things could always be worse.

"Your teeth will probably last for twenty more years." he said flatteringly to the elderly woman, "They're the best behaved teeth I wouldn't regret seeing."

The last comment went clear over Mrs. Peterson's head, but she took it with the good nature it was intended, and picked up her pocketbook, then started talking with the receptionist. When the payment method had been decided upon, and Mrs. Peterson was on her way out the door, Doctor Fenolds spoke to the receptionist directly.

"Mandy, you can tell my next patient they can take their turn in the cleaning room."

"She's probably in there already, doctor." Mandy replied, looking a little worried in a way that Doctor Fenolds couldn't place, but he soon realized just what she meant as he walked past one of cleaning rooms on his left, and felt a little tingle of emotion, turned slowly, and with growing dread, to look inside. The sight he saw made his eyes open all the way, and he started the sweat, then pressing his hands hard enough together to jolt him out of the stupor, he fell back away from the door, and soon, he was clinging to one of the walls, mercifully unable to see through the door from that position.

The patient inside that room was the one person in or out of town who Fenolds couldn't maintain emotional control around; Minerva Mink.

At once, Doctor Fenolds scrambled back to the receptionist area, cleared his throat carefully to dispel the cobwebs that still cluttered his brain, from even that one glance at the dreaded Mink's golden locks, he muttered angrily, "I thought I told you not to accept anymore appointments with her."

The receptionist looked sad as she replied, "Sorry, doctor. She says she can't get any of the other dentists to take her."

"I don't see why she keeps coming here." Doctor Fenolds replied, still angry, but not at Mandy, "She takes better care of her teeth than I do."

"She says it has something to do with the insurance she got from Warner Brothers while she was working for them." Mandy replied, "I'm not sure if I should tell her that her insurance expired when she was laid off."

"Yes. Yes, you should." Doctor Fenolds said, looking agitated, "I can't do this anymore, Mandy. I have a wife... kids... I can't afford to be at that... person's mercy, even for a few seconds, but I still have to go in there and check up on her teeth once the teeth-cleaning phase is finished... I just wish I could get someone else to do it for me."

However, just then, a five-foot person in a lab coat and glasses stepped forth from the waiting room, and addressed Doctor Fenolds.

"Hello." he said, "My name is Doctor Snaps, and I couldn't help but overhear your problem. I believe I may be able to take your place."

"Yes!" Fenolds exclaimed, "You're perfect!"

"Aren't you going to ask if I'm a real dentist or not?" Snaps asked, curiously, his long nose drooping slightly in surprise.

"It doesn't make any difference." Fenolds replied, shoving Snaps towards the room where his assistant; Miss Pennant had just finished the teeth-cleaning phase very quickly and in absolute silence, and she was scowling as she left the room.

"No one deserves teeth that good." she muttered as she left to get a sandwich, trying to distract herself from the ever-gleaming molars she'd just been polishing.

"Snaps" grinned evilly as he stepped into the room, and closed the door behind himself, reaching for the tranquilizer pill in his pocket. He was finally going to catch that Mink once and for all, and his special Mink-glasses protected him from the onslaught of passion usually caused by looking directly at her.

"Gary, I think my teeth might finally be starting to...oh." Minerva said as she caught sight of "Doctor Snaps" in the room, and realized, almost instantly, that it wasn't her normal orthodontist, and that it was, in fact, Newt the hunting dog in a somewhat pitiable disguise.

"I know." she muttered so that Newt couldn't hear her, "It's kind of sad, but hey. I'll play along."

"Oh. You must be new here." Minerva said, looking directly at Newt.

"Yes." Newt replied, "My name is Snaps and I am the new dentist here. I'm going to be giving your teeth a once-over, so try to relax..."

"You must have a first name..." Minerva cooed, looking right at Newt as she spoke.

"Charles." Newt lied.

"Alright, Charlie." Minerva said, "Come over here and take a good, long look at these pearly-whites. I think they might finally by starting to misbehave..."

Newt started sweating as he approached closer to Minerva, and pretended to reach for the tooth-scrapers, but Minerva seized on the opportunity, and grabbed hold of the electric toothbrush, holding it in one hand, and turning it on, so that it shook, and let out a whirring sound.

Newt readied the pill as he carefully got closer to Minerva's mouth, being careful to avoid touching her hands or face as he did so, and said "n-noth-nothing ill-behaved about those teeth. They look like very good teeth."

"Well, some people's teeth are only bad when they want to be." Minerva muttered seductively, and suddenly, Newt felt a wave of intense passion sweep over him, and realized too late that her tail had grabbed one of his ankles.

"Come on..." she said, opening her mouth wider as she reached forward with her left forefinger, and gently tugged off his protective glasses, "Take a better look at them... without all the barriiieeerrrrrssss..."

In reality, of course, Minerva wasn't talking any slower than she usually did, but by that time, Newt's glasses were off, and not only was he looking at Minerva, he was being touched by her in multiple places. The world around him was all in a haze, as an obsession with the vision before him raced to the driver's seat of his mind, and after only a second or two more, he was bouncing like a rubber ball off the walls, ceiling and floor as Minerva yawned, dropping the pill she'd confiscated into one of her pockets. Then, in a second more, Newt had crashed through the window on the opposite side of the room, and Minerva simply smiled.

"Yes." she remarked with a big grin, "I think that's a close enough look."

* * *

Newt stormed back in, very flustered and no longer very well-protected, but still determined to get Minerva while she was in the dentist's chair, fingering a syringe in his pocket. However, the moment he was back inside the dentist's office, he could see that Minerva was sitting in a more upright position, to drink some water from the little jet next to the dentist's chair.

"Hmmm..." she remarked, "I needed that. Want some?"

As Minerva said that, she turned to face Newt, and half-closed her eyes, puckering her lips. Newt tried to get closer, but he was totally out of control by that point, spinning around rapidly, as he transformed into a tornado, then a foghorn, then a very large bazooka, that fired a missile directly upward, blowing a big hole in the roof. Minerva winced a little when she saw that, mostly because she knew that Gary would be mad, but Newt seemed to have dropped his needle, and vanished into thin air.

* * *

Newt had one last plan to get Minerva on that day, and it involved a very large, falling safe positioned just above the exit of the building.

"By now," Newt thought aloud to himself, "She's realized who I am, and probably realized she isn't going to see a real dentist, so I have to get her on the way out."

Newt waited on the roof for several minutes, holding onto the rope that, when released, would drop the safe. The best part of the plan was that Newt wouldn't have to look at Minerva until it was all over!

At last, Newt heard the door open, and immediately let go of the rope, hearing the safe collide hard with something as a thudding noise reached his ears, and in just another moment, he looked over the roof's edge at last, to see the cracked cobblestone that the safe had landed on, and underneath the safe itself was... was...

"Oh, dear." Newt muttered, so stunned and worried by what had just happened, that he soon fell from his place on the roof, and collided with the ground in a splat.

"No!" Minerva shouted from inside, "Oh, Gary!"

Immediately, Minerva Mink tipped the large, heavy safe to one side, to retrieve the poor, injured human dentist from underneath, as Newt skulked shamefully away, feeling absolutely mortified.

"No..." Gary muttered, "You stay... you stay... awa..."

"No, Gary!" Minerva replied, with tears in her eyes, "I can help you."

Then, Minerva grabbed Doctor Fenolds by the cheeks, and did something she rarely did to anyone. She kissed him right on the lips.

In an instant, the doctor's bones mended, his bruises vanished, and his eyes popped open, practically swelling to the size of balloons, and accompanied by breathing so rapid and deep, that it sounded more like swift gasping than anything else, as Minerva quickly turned his face away from her.

"Easy. Easy... Not too much, now..." Minerva coaxed in a doting, careful voice, as the doctor's heart rate returned to normal.

"You just... you just... You saved my life." the doctor panted aloud.

"Don't worry Gary." Minerva said, "The damages are on me."

"I don't know whether to thank you or try to kill you." the doctor replied semi-gratefully as he got to his feet, carefully continuing to look away from Minerva as he did so.

"Well, you probably won't get the chance to even see me for a while." she remarked, once again returning to her joyfully upbeat demeanor, "It'll be six months before I need another cleaning, but..." at that she looked away a little sadly, "Maybe next time I'll ask that the dentist not look over my teeth, just to be safe..."

"No, this is all my fault." Doctor Fenolds replied, still not daring to look at her directly, "I... well, I suppose if I could clear it with my wife, I could get a camera installed, and just take a short look in your mouth..."

"I guess that would be good enough Gary." Minerva replied, then joked, "But I'll miss our vibrant talks."

Then, she stepped down the stairs, and got back into her red convertible, turning the key as Newt, who'd watched the whole thing from the bushes, wiped sweat from his brow in relief. Then and there, Newt determined to start finding ways to lure Minerva away from others. It would be the most important step towards his end goal of catching her once and for all.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, Mink fans, in the next Minktales, Newt gets to make good on his word, as he helps me reclaim what should have been mine in the first place; my place in center stage. But in this world of commercials, televised cartoons and taboos, what'll happen to me once the limelight hits? Will I be able to be on teevee at all? The next Minktales is a four-parter called 'Reclamation,' and it's going to open some doors I thought were shut forever. See you then!"


	25. Issue 25: Reclamation Part 1

Minktales

Issue 25

"Reclamation"

Part 1 of 4

The figure moved swiftly and silently through the dark room, occasionally casting a glance all around, to make sure no one was watching. At last, the silent person made his way to the other end of the room, and carefully felt across the labels on the filing cabinets that were there, until his finely-honed senses detected a date that he recognized, and he picked the lock on the cabinet, and slid it open. Inside were the records of the meetings of the major staff at Warner Brothers for the date in question, and the man in the darkness felt each folder, until he found one that was very thick, picking it out of the cabinet.

"Yes." he thought silently to himself, "This is the smoking gun I've been looking for. With this, I can finally give her the evidence she needs to be convinced."

Then, moving quickly in a maneuver that he'd done quite a bit of training for, the man in the darkness rushed across the room again, and leapt upward into the long-abandoned ventilation, which would, he knew, get him past the building security.

"Warner's being foolish about this." he thought, "So many toes they've stepped on... So many toons they've offended, and yet they keep the files on it in a basic-security office building like this. Of course, like everyone, they don't expect toons to ever get violent with them about it, but they've forgotten one toon; one toon who didn't have to get violent to get revenge..."

By that point, the man in the darkness had slid free of the ventilation shaft outside the building, and just in time, as the caretaker of the building had just switched the steam vents on.

"It may take them a while to discover the file missing," the man said to himself as he charged down the road to the local parking garage where he'd left his motorcycle, "but it won't be more than a week. I have to get to her by then."

* * *

Minerva Mink sighed as she tossed aside another romance novel ending in tragedy. Why, she wondered, couldn't modern authors just give their protagonists happy endings? Was it considered too cliché? Too juvenile? Too unrealistic? Minerva stretched out over a log on her back as those thoughts raced through her mind, to the loud delight of many of the male animals in the woodland area where she lived. However, it was business first, as the sun peeked over the horizon. Newt was skulking around in the bushes, undoubtedly making some sort of plan to capture Minerva, which would evaporate once he was actually close enough to her. However, there was someone else nearby, approaching Minerva's log house on foot. He was a human, and Minerva had a feeling that Newt's efforts would at least be delayed by that, so she headed towards him to see that he was the postman, wearing a blindfold, as usual. Minerva sighed as she got closer.

"Anything for me today, Reggie?" she asked, causing the postman to frown.

"Don't try to act so humble." he said angrily, "Here. These are for you."

As Reggie said that, he held out a plastic bag containing over a hundred letters, five or six other envelopes of letter-like size, and one big envelope that looked like it was designed to conceal sensitive documents. Minerva hadn't seen that kind of envelope for years, ever since she'd stopped working at Warner Brothers.

"Thanks Reggie." Minerva said, taking the bag by its bottom and carrying it inside her house before Newt could put any of his plans into action.

However, just as she closed the door, she heard Reggie breathing in relief, and donning a wicked grin, opened the door again, and looked directly into his eyes, just as he was removing the blindfold with an upbeat smile, then said "Thank you very much, Reggie."

In just another moment, Minerva retreated back inside, and giggled merrily at the off-kilter babbling noises that floated in her windows as Reggie tried to find his mail truck again. Some people were so infuriating when they weren't under her influence, that she couldn't resist "effecting" them whenever she got the chance, and Reggie was one of them. Aside from the letters he gave her every day, it was the only happiness he brought into her life.

Still smiling, Minerva dumped the letters on the table, carefully gathering the credit card offers and sales advertisements into a small bucket labeled "business," and pouring the many love letters into another, larger bucket with the label "pick-me-ups" on it. She probably could have far overfilled a grain silo with all the love letters she'd gotten in her life.

However, there were no bills on that day, and the only newspaper she read was the Toontown Trumpet, so aside from those two types of letters, the big envelope was the only other mail she had. Because of that, it had naturally become her first priority in moments. Slowly, carefully, Minerva stuck her forefinger through the top of the letter and tore it open from each side; first left, then right. Finally, she reached in, and pulled out three sheets of paper. The first was a letter, the second a form, and the third was a map leading to a place called "Emotionutty Studios."

Excitement and delight gripped Minerva as she tossed aside her normal, relaxed attitude, and read through the letter included with the map and form as fast as she possibly could.

* * *

Dear Minerva Mink

In modern-day Hollywood and television circles, there are three major rules that are never disobeyed, and I am desperate enough to break the biggest one, which is why I'm contacting you. My studio has fallen on hard times, and I'm almost certain that I'll be bankrupt within a month if I don't do something drastic. Last week, however, I discovered some old cartoon backdrops, and I realized that if I could get some true cartoon experts to work at my studio; someone who the public would find irresistible, but who hasn't gotten work recently, it might be the only possible way of keeping the studio afloat for a while longer.

I've already been getting pressure from the larger studios to sell out, but my studio is the last truly independent one for miles, and I'd rather not have to sell if it can be avoided.

Of course, I thought of contacting a number of other currently-retired toons. Ren Hoek, for instance, or Fred Flintstone, or Buster Bunny, and all of them have big name recognition, but that was part of the problem. People remember them as yesterday's stars, and might have some trouble accepting them in the modern time. I needed to find someone of undeniable appeal and talent who, regardless, was underused in the past. Then, I remembered the things I'd been warned by everyone never to do, and realized that my only hope lay with you.

I don't know if I can trust you, but if I can't, I and my studio have no hope left. If you feel that you can be trusted to play your parts well and effectively without damaging the studio's efficiency beyond a reasonable point, please come down to Emotionutty Studios at once. There is work for you here on genuine cartoons. I can't guarantee you that they'll ever see a television broadcast, but I suspect it's the best chance either of us has for a career at the moment.

Sincerely, Lawrence Kagera.

* * *

Minerva lowered the letter. In her eyes, there was a truly stunned and dumbfounded look, but her mouth wouldn't stop smiling. After so many years, work at last!

Immediately, Minerva rushed to her bedroom vanity and began applying makeup and cleaning off her best dress. In theory, that was the sort of thing one did when going to a job interview, although it probably would have just made Minerva's appearance all the more hazardous. Moving like a rocket, Minerva slid on her best high-heeled shoes; the nice red ones she'd bought at the mall, and applied lipstick as a finishing touch. As always, she looked stunning, but in that instance, she truly did have a difficult time wrenching herself away from the mirror, even considering what was waiting for her in Emotionutty Studios. As she left the house at as close to a sprint as her heels would allow for, she shouted "Hey, Newt! I've got work again!"

At first, Newt couldn't believe his ears, but it didn't take long for stars to form in his eyes as he realized the implications. Not only would he once again have the chance to go into cartoon-making with Minerva, most likely, but more importantly, it would give him more chances to try and capture her in a toonstage, without any of the more vulnerable humans getting in the way, not to mention giving him the chance to work more closely with h...

Newt slapped himself across the face several times to jolt himself back to reality. He didn't really love her like that. It was just that weird effect she had on people. He wanted to capture her... right?

Newt smiled as he pulled a paintbrush from behind his back and began painting a hole in a nearby rock.

"It'll take that Mink at least five minutes to get to the studio." Newt said, "Maybe even ten, but I'll be there in seconds, and I'll be ready when she arrives to make her first brand new cartoons."

To be Continued...

* * *

Stay Tuned for next issue, when Minerva's first new cartoon is sent to the television executives and gets their reaction, and is Lawrence Kagera having second thoughts?


	26. Issue 26: Reclamation Part 2

Minktales

Issue 26

"Reclamation"

Part 2 of 4

The sun was well up in the horizon by the time Minerva Mink got to the studio shown on the map. She'd had a difficult time finding it at first, since it was such a tiny little building; barely bigger than her own log house, but it was work, so she parked her convertible in a nearby lot and walked inside.

The inside of the building didn't really look a whole lot less shabby than the outside. In fact, if anything, it seemed to have fallen into greater disrepair. There weren't enough lights to highlight her beauty completely, she thought, plus the backdrops being used were visibly worn. Cautiously, Minerva stepped forward, towards the center of the stage and was pleased to see that at least the cameras were still in working order. Just then, however, she noticed that someone was watching her, and carefully spun around on her heel, to find herself face to face with the building's owner.

Lawrence was dumbstruck. His eyes and mouth were wide open, but then, she got that from guys all the time. "Maybe" Minerva thought, "he's surprised I answered his letter."

"M-m-miner-minerva m-mink?" the poor man asked.

"That's me." she replied chipperly.

"I... I'm sorry to... to drag... you all the way d-down here." the man said, "My crew left when they... well..."

"Oh!" Minerva exclaimed, "Well... that's alright. We can still make a cartoon, right?"

The owner did his best to shrug.

"I suppose I could turn the... turn the cameras... on, then just let you do your thing..." he said, "but we're in trouble. I don't see how..."

"Simple!" Minerva replied, "I'll just be me."

* * *

The lights dimmed, the television turned on, and an image began to appear on screen, slowly and faded at first, but soon, the resolution problem was corrected, and the image of Minerva Mink in a pretty red dress, and very expensive-looking shoes appeared on screen.

"Hi!" she said cheerfully, "My name is Minerva Mink, and this is my cartoon. Um, I wanted to do a different cartoon at first, but we only had one person to play extras, so this one'll have to be kind of bland. I still think it's good, because it's got me in it though, so have fun!"

Then she waved to the people watching, and the screen faded to the opening title, reading "A Mink in the Hand" in big, orange letters over a deep blue background that sort of looked as if it had been sketched on poster-board with a felt-tipped marker. Then, the cartoon started.

Minerva Mink was headed down the road toward her log house, walking in a sort of slow strut, when Newt leapt out of the bushes in front of her. At that point, the camera started to dim, but it was swiftly re-lit in time to catch a shot of Minerva turning around, and backing up against Newt, who dropped his aggressive posture to literally melt all over her tail and smiling, she continued on, splashing in the Newt-puddle with one of her feet, as she walked past.

In the next scene, Newt was fitting a bear trap on the ground, which he covered with dirt, and then waited in the bushes. He chuckled from inside the bushes, saying "As soon as she walks over this trap, it'll grab her leg. Then I can take her with me anytime I please."

However, As Minerva got closer, the trap sprang up out of the ground, closely resembling a pair of metal lips, as it gave Minerva a wolf whistle, then Newt hopped out of the bushes and gave the trap a glare while pointing at Minerva, which caused it to turn on him and growl, shortly pursuing him over the horizon.

In the following scene, Minerva got home, sighed with relief as she placed her groceries on a counter, and started putting the perishables away. Newt was outside, meanwhile, having set a large pile of dynamite in front of Minerva's house.

"That's the last straw!" he exclaimed, "That Mink has got to go, even if it means I can't bring even a single hair back to my master!"

Suddenly, however, the front door opened, and Minerva was leaning out, asking, "Newt, do you have any olive oil?"

Instantly, Newt's eyes transformed into hearts, and he was off like a bullet train to the supermarket, where he picked some olive oil off the shelf, paid for it and ran back to Minerva's house to hand it to her in only seconds.

"Oh. Thanks." she remarked, taking it from him, but at the last moment, the oily bottle slipped from her grasp, bursting open and spilling all over Newt. Minerva looked shocked and put both hands over her mouth.

"Oh! I'm so sorry. Let me go get something to help you dry off..."

Then, Minerva ran back into the house, and the moment she was gone, Newt recovered from his feelings of infatuation and moved back towards the dynamite, lighting a match...

In only a few seconds more, Minerva was back outside, holding a roll of paper towels, then said "Here. It's not much, but...Oh!"

She said that because she'd noticed the small pile of ashes with Newt-eyes that was lying on the ground.

"Well," she said, "I guess that's one way to dry off, but you're leaving a horrible mess."

Just like that, Minerva yanked a broom from behind her and swept the Newt-ashes and the dynamite into a garbage bin, clapping both hands together, as she went back into her house, and the screen faded to a "The End" sign.

At last, the cartoon had ended, and the lights went back on.

"Well?" Lawrence asked, though he was already somewhat afraid of the answer he was going to get, "What did you think?"

However, Lawrence didn't need to worry. There were a dozen people in that room; three women and nine men, and so, the response was predictable...

"I thought it was poorly-made." one of the women said, drawing consenting nods from the others, "Not to mention being a little insulting."

However, the men in that room seemed to think differently. The mouths and eyes of every single one were wide open in big, big smiles, and at that moment, Lawrence knew that he'd found someone to air his new cartoon.

* * *

Of course, the people who aired the cartoon weren't a big station that everyone watches. They'd all turned Lawrence away the moment they'd heard he was breaking the "Mink Taboo." That station was a smaller, less-known station in the northern parts of California, but they were the only people who would even look at the cartoon, probably because they hadn't heard of Minerva Mink, and, like Lawrence, had very little to lose by trusting her.

Minerva's first cartoon of the twenty-first century had been so popular among the staff of the television station, that they chose not only to air it, but to air it in prime time at eight o'clock, and seventy-five percent of the station's head staff tuned in for it. It was, after all, one of the most beautiful things they'd ever seen, regardless of the poor quality of the camera and the lighting, and although Lawrence doubted the cartoon would make it big, considering how relatively esoteric the station itself was, he knew he'd made a nice cartoon, and had paid the bills on his studio for at least one more month off of what the cartoon contracts had earned him. As for Minerva, she'd kindly suggested that she not accept much in the way of salary until, in her own words "we make it big." A phrase that made Lawrence feel like chuckling when she wasn't around.

Of course, when Minerva was around, nothing could make Lawrence chuckle. Something about her made him feel partially paralyzed with passion every time he looked at her, and in a way, he thought, he might even be glad to have to sell the studio, if it meant escaping from such overwhelmingly strong feelings for good.

* * *

However, the following night, Lawrence had fallen asleep at his desk in the late evening, and it was almost eleven thirty when he was woken up by the sound of a sheet of paper being slapped down on his desk.

At once, he started awake, and looked up to see Minerva with a stern expression on her face.

"Look at these results." she said, "I mean, I know we have to start small, but this..."

Lawrence's eyes felt like popping out of his head whenever he looked at Minerva, but they came just as close to popping out when he saw the figures on the paper.

"A Mink in the Hand; Starring Minerva Mink." the paper said in nearly the center, "Viewership 15 Percent."

"WHOA!" Lawrence exclaimed, "Do you know what this means?"

"It means only fifteen percent of the people watching teevee at eight o'clock saw me that night." Minerva said sadly, turning away from Lawrence to face the window of his office, "Don't worry, though. I've already talked to the folks at WBIR, and they're planning on re-running again tomorrow at the same time. They've already gotten calls about it, and word's getting around, so more people will know about me next time. Don't worry."

"But...but...b-but..." Lawrence gasped, the smile carved into his face, "They've NEVER got ratings this good before. You got that station to a new high in your first broadcast?"

However, as he said that, Minerva Mink turned back toward him with a seductive smile on her lips, then, leaning forward over his desk to face him directly, she watched the beads of sweat grow on his face as she spoke, "And I'm just getting started, Larry."

Then, Minerva stood back up, and turned to leave his office, but on the way out, she remarked, "Stick with me, Larry. We'll go places."

As Minerva closed the door, and Larry listened to her delicate, but confident footsteps slowly exiting the building, however, he didn't really feel happy or grateful anymore. If anything, he heard once again the voice of the CEO of Warner Brothers; the first words that had been spoken to him when he came to town, echoing in his mind.

"Just remember, Larry. Never go for saccharine, never open the water tower, and never, ever, EVER try to hire Minerva Mink."

Then, the sweat that had stopped growing on Larry's brow started up again in fear.

To be Continued...

* * *

In the next issue, Minerva really starts to show what she can do, as her shows become more popular, and she finally gets the attention of the mainstream press, plus her secret reason for never, ever, ever "taking it off."


	27. Issue 27: Reclamation Part 3

Minktales

Issue 27

"Reclamation"

Part 3 of 4

Flashes of light bounced off Minerva's stunning countenance, as she stepped forth from Emotionutty Studios after completing her thirteenth full-length cartoon episode. It was the end of a somewhat busy week, and she was already getting offers from all kinds of movies, music videos and television commercial deals on the independent circuit.

Of course, no one in the formerly "big" businesses would touch her, but over the course of the last month and a half, Minerva had become a big star. Over ninety percent of the men and boys in America who got cable were watching her cartoons in primetime on the independent television station that she'd single-handedly yanked into the spotlight as an emerging, popular cable teevee station, and she had it on good authority that whenever she winked on-camera, men everywhere started to sweat, and a simple puckering of the lips, even in mid-sentence, was enough to cause fainting spells all across America.

Already, Minerva Mink was as popular, if not more so, than Bart Simpson had been in his prime, and indeed, she'd gotten fan mail from both Bart and Homer, both of whom watched her show and loved it. Of course, tensions were rising between married couples in some areas, but the teevee station didn't care. They were having the best time of their lives, and Larry... Well, Larry had his own problems to worry about.

Minerva Mink, of course, was having a blast. In her eyes, she had a face that was made for stardom, so she gave her button nose a tiny twitch as she stepped forward from the building in which she worked, and into the oncoming crowd of persistently-female reporters who waited for her outside.

"Harriet Linkman; Los Angelos Times," one reporter announced, "Miss Mink, to what do you attribute your miraculous success?"

Minerva smiled, saying "Just call me Minerva, Harriet. I suppose it's because I'm the most fantastic thing the men of America have ever seen, inside and out."

The next reporter to speak up was a toon.

"Lois Lane; Toontown Trumpet. Are you trying to tell women everywhere that you're better than us?"

"No, no, Lois. Nothing like that." Minerva replied, "Not BETTER, exactly, just... gifted in different ways. I know, for instance, I could never write articles as... well as you do."

Lois seemed to find it flattering that Minerva had read her articles, so she fell silent, and another reporter for a much smaller-profile paper spoke up.

"Some of your fans have asked if you ever intend to show more than... the face and arms. I'm sure you know what they mean; some more 'adult' cartoons. You haven't answered that question yet, though."

At that, however, Minerva's expression grew cold, and everyone present could practically feel the ice emanating from her gaze as she approached the reporter, until Minerva was standing right in front of her.

"Miss," Minerva replied, "I haven't answered that question because I thought the answer was obvious, but since it apparently isn't, here goes. No."

"I'm sure they'll next be asking why." the reporter said, pushing the matter even further. By that point, though, even the most adamant of reporters there had fallen silent.

"For one thing," Minerva began, looking sad, "it's because I'm not willing to sell out who I really am. You've all seen me on television, and the person I play there isn't too far from the person I really am, but..." at that, she paused for a moment before continuing, "...there is another reason, besides just my values, and that's that I have no wish to cause people harm."

"Excuse me?" the reporter asked.

"If I did what these 'fans' are suggesting, the tape would quickly become the most serious and illegal black market contraband in the world, famous for literally killing every single man who dared to watch it. Almost every man I've ever kissed has lost consciousness shortly afterwards, Miss, and one in particular nearly died. Going any further than that with the general public would be unthinkable. Remember, I'm still a toon, and can't kill anyone. That's why the answer is no."

Using that as her final word, Minerva Mink pulled a giant pair of pliers from behind her back, and used them to get through the crowd of reporters, and into her bright red convertible, which she shortly drove off in.

* * *

"Yes, yes, a hundred times yes!" Larry said into the telephone, "We've already committed to that, and we will be there on time for the shoot. Stop calling."

Then, he hung up and picked up the next line, saying "No, she decided not to do that one."

A pause.

"She said it was demeaning, that's why."

Another pause.

"Well, figure out a way to do the commercial without that and get back to us."

Another short pause before hanging up and taking the next line.

"No, I cannot give you her phone number. She never gives out phone numbers. Try writing her a letter. Her home address seems to be public knowledge, and she says she loves getting fan mail."

Click. Next Line.

"What? No, I hadn't heard about that. Alright. Well, send over the information packet on the job and I'll have her look it over. Alright. No, you'll have to ask when you see her in person. Yes. I guarantee it. Bye."

Click. Next...

"Wait a minute..." Larry thought silently. No more lights were blinking on his telephone.

On some level, Larry couldn't believe it. The last several weeks had been murder on the switchboard. People all across the world had wanted to know more about the radiant starlet who'd captured the hearts of so many untold millions, and half of Larry's job had been hiring a good staff to monitor the phones, to sift out genuinely good offers from the mass of fan calls and date requests that one inevitably got by the thousands every time a new show aired, which the television station was doing more recently every night for much of their prime time lineup.

In fact, Larry hadn't checked the numbers recently, but he'd heard that "Emotionutty Cartoons with Minerva Mink" was the most popular television show in America, even beating out American Idol and Twenty-Four, and everything else in the prime time slots. It was, of course, murder on Fox, CNN, The WB, ABC and pretty much every other television station that had a prime time lineup, but the whole thing had been murder on Larry as well.

Ever since the teevee station had promised Minerva her own open-ended cartoon series with all the cartoon extras, props and backgrounds she could ask for, Larry had known that the "Mink Fad" that had gripped America wasn't going to die down anytime soon. After all, he and Minerva were doing outstandingly well in the finance department. It was only in maintaining control and emotional balance during the workday that Larry was having problems.

It was worse than mere problems, though. Larry had worked with her. He'd helped her. He'd been by her side through all her rapidly-successful endeavors in twenty-first century media, and it had gotten to the point where he knew, even when he was separated from her, that there was no way he could resist her.

Lawrence was a person of remarkable will. He had to have been, to stand up to the larger companies in the old days, but even his will had its limits, and every time he was around Minerva, he could feel it starting to break. He longed to embrace her, to kiss her, to hold her in his arms and whisper indistinct compliments into her upright, sensitive ears, but he loved her too much to risk spoiling something that she was enjoying, and she definitely enjoyed making cartoons.

The same love that compelled Lawrence also restrained him. It shoved him forward from behind like a bull to the back, while holding him in place like glue, and something, he realized, had to give.

Slowly, Lawrence looked over the shelved cartoons she'd made already, starting with "A Mink in the Hand," then "Minkharishi," and moving on into "Store Stampede" and "Minerva; Queen of the Jungle." Every one had increased his heart rate while he'd been making them, and he swallowed hard, wishing he could just find an easy route out of it all, but he could hear those dreaded, padding footsteps on the floor outside his office, and knew there was no easy way. Thaddeus Plotz had been right, and he had been wrong, but it was too late. He couldn't be saved.

Minerva Mink burst into Larry's office with a spiffy-looking contract in her hand and a bright smile on her face a second later.

"The station's picked me up for two more seasons, Larry!" Minerva exclaimed with joy lining every word, "Isn't it great?"

"It's gre... gr-gr-grea-oh, blast it all!" Larry exclaimed, falling face-first to his desk's comfortingly-cold top, "What did I ever do to deserve this?"

"Same thing I did, I guess." Minerva replied, moving closer, and resting one arm on her director's shoulder, which only made the emotions assaulting him feel more intense, "You just got lucky."

To be Continued...

* * *

In the last part of the Reclamation arc, the secret contents of the mysterious files on Minerva Mink are opened and revealed to the lovely starlet, but will their contents put a dent in her skyrocketing career, or make her even more committed?


	28. Issue 28: Reclamation Part 4

Minktales

Issue 28

"Reclamation"

Part 4 of 4

When Minerva went on David Letterman, it instantly became the most-watched episode of the show ever; something which Letterman himself probably would have found disappointing if he'd been able to feel anything other than love just after trying to interview Minerva Mink. The interview had hardly gone smoothly. He kept blowing his chances for jokes, and she kept dodging the questions and delivering puns, to which the audience felt somewhat indifferent by comparison to Minerva herself. In short, she stole the show away from him, but he couldn't bring himself to bear her any malice for that.

The following week, Minerva Mink's first movie role entered theaters in "The Haunting of the Red Inn," an independent film about a couple who meet and fall in love, only to discover the building they've been living in contains a mostly harmless ghost. The real story was about the emotions of the characters, so the script had been designed as more of an independent art movie to appeal to women.

However, even though Minerva only played the best friend of one of the characters for a three minute long discussion in the movie, it was enough. People went to the movie, and it quickly grossed higher than any movie in years during its first week.

As production began on Minerva Mink; the Movie, Minerva herself entered Lawrence's office to announce the good news.

"Larry!" she exclaimed, "They're giving me my very own movie! Isn't that wonderful? I can't wait to help add jokes, and visual gags and pratfalls to the script. This is going to be so much fun!"

"Maybe for you..." Larry replied with a morose smile (something that he'd only recently begun to acknowledge the existence of) on his lips.

"Look, Larry." Minerva said, "I like you. I really do. You gave me a chance when nobody else would, and I respect that. But I'm a big star now. I could get a job anywhere in Hollywood. You want to try showing a little more enthusiasm?"

"Oh, you could, could you?" Larry replied, getting to his feet. Then, moving over to the drawers behind him, he opened the top one and pulled out the file he'd "acquired" not two months ago.

"At first," Larry said, "I thought I'd have to show this to you sooner, but you cooperated with me better than I thought you would. But, lest you get any ideas about leaving Emotionutty Studios, take a look at these documents, and then tell me you can still work anywhere in Hollywood."

Minerva Mink looked at the documents on Larry's desk. They were marked with the "Time Warner" emblem on the front of the files.

Quickly, she took them and left Larry's office, and Larry collapsed back into his chair, emotionally kicking himself for being so harsh with her.

* * *

As soon as Minerva got back to her log house, she put away her dripping umbrella, took off her bright purple rain coat and opened the files that Larry had given her on one of her kitchen counters. There, with all the evidence before her, she saw the events of the mid to late nineties with a whole new perspective, which made her gasp in shock and dismay.

* * *

"Minerva Mink; hired on March thirty-first, nineteen ninety-two," read the short, bald man sitting in the large office chair aloud, "for the upcoming animated cartoon; 'Animaniacs.' Still on staff."

At once, the short man calmly close the file, then slammed it down on his desk in anger and glared at the man he'd invited into his office just moments before.

"What is this, Steven? I mean what-wh-w-w-WHAT IS THIS?"

"Well, sir," Steven Spielburg tried to explain, but Plotz cut him off, getting to his feet, showing that he was indeed a very short and round man with only a little gray hair around the edges of his head.

"Steven, when you first arrived at the Warner Brothers Studios, you impressed us all; I give you that. You've given us some incredible things since then, in movies AND in cartoons, but this... What were you thinking?"

"Well, you said you wanted something utterly crazy for my next cartoon." Steven replied, "You said 'totally wacky and mad.'"

"I meant cartoon mad!" the man replied, practically shouting, "Not-n-n-no-not giving away the company mad!"

Plotz sighed deeply and sadly as he took his seat again.

"Now, I know you're obligated to honor the contract now..." Plotz continued, "But don't give her more than a couple cartoons, and for pity's sake, try to keep them in a the time slot nobody'll watch. The last thing we need is for her presence in this company to become well-recognized."

"Sir, I don't see what the big deal is," Spielburg replied, himself getting up as he addressed the CEO of Warner Brothers, "I mean, she's enchanting and beautiful, and wonderful to talk to, and she may be overbearing, but..."

"You don't understand her power?" the Chief Executive Officer asked, "Steven, Minerva Mink is an enchanter of men. She's so stunningly beautiful, that no man can look at her for more than a few minutes and retain his will to do anything but love her for the rest of his life. You obviously didn't realize that, or else didn't understand its significance, but if she ever decided to start pulling the right strings, she could take over any male-dominated company she worked in with very little effort, and there's nobody of strong enough will to stop her."

"Now, if Time Warner were being beaten into the ground by the competition, and we were done for, and this was our only chance for survival, then maybe, MAYBE I'd let her in a little, but this is one of the biggest media companies in the world, Steven, and I can't afford to jeopardize my position or anyone else's by trusting that Mink further than I can spit her. You're going to keep her on a tight leash through intermediaries, and I strongly suggest that you never go near her in person. Then, at your earliest convenience, stop making the cartoons. If you want, you can blame me. Just say that big Time Warner executives felt uncomfortable around her or something..."

* * *

Minerva closed the first file with sweat on her face and opened another, written by Thaddeus Plotz himself about "The Mink Taboo."

"You've heard it said" the file said, "that there are rules one has to follow in making movies. Rules that can never be broken, no matter how much we may be tempted. Never delve too far into sickly sweet goodness, never open the Warner Tower on purpose, but perhaps the most important rule in all of entertainment is to never hire Minerva Mink. Not only does it bend a reasonable person's emotions to the breaking point and beyond to try to work on a professional level with her, but she's just too powerful. Her power over men is too great. She could probably spend five minutes in the same room with me and walk away with all my credit cards, my pin number and the deed to the Warner Studios. I don't know of anyone who wants to take a big risk like that. That's why it's been an unspoken... until now... rule that no one in Hollywood ever lets her get that close."

* * *

Minerva dropped the papers and picked up another document, signed by many of the leaders of many entertainment companies, promising never to hire her, regardless of what happened, or how great the temptation became, with a note from the then-president of the Disney company saying "I don't think anyone'll refuse to sign this. It seems like a no-brainer for everybody in town who makes or airs movies or television programs."

* * *

There was more documentation on the "Mink Taboo" and "Mink Protocols and Defense Plans," most of which involved robots and women, but Minerva had already seen enough. She'd heard it said that television executives had been uncomfortable with her. She just hadn't realized how uncomfortable, or why. Immediately, she ran back outside and drove right back to the Emotionutty Lot.

When Minerva entered Lawrence Kagera's office, it was, for the first time since she'd started working there, with a timid little knock.

"Yes...YES!" Lawrence exclaimed as he saw who it was, "You read... you read what I gave you, then."

"Yeah," Minerva replied, "and you can stop worrying, Larry."

Larry felt hope rise up in his heart as she spoke, but her next words shattered his hopes into a million small fragments.

"It's a conspiracy. I accept that." Minerva said, "I needed someone to give me a chance, and you did. I'll never throw that away, and I'll never leave you high and dry as long as you live."

Then, Minerva drew closer, and puckering her lips only inches from Larry's left ear, she whispered, "We're gonna be working together forever and ever, and ever, Larry. Enjoy."

As Minerva Mink left his office to get back to work, however, Lawrence Kagera's head fell to his desk with a clunk in a pitiful sob, but the realization that had caused that sob wouldn't vacate his thoughts.

He was powerless to end it by that point. The public was under her spell. They wouldn't end it, and she'd just sworn that she wouldn't put it to an end, which meant that he was going to be facing the trials of working with her for probably the rest of his life...

It was far more than enough to make a grown man cry. He was going to be a very rich man, but he still felt like a baby next to her, no matter what he was earning in exchange...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I have to say that for anybody else, that'd be a happy ending, but for me, it's only the beginning, because what about all those cartoons I made during my first season with WBIR? Well, you'll get to see the role I really wanted for my first episode in the next Minktales. It doesn't split with comedy like many of my escapades, but I think it at least gets my best side. See you then!"

* * *

Fun Fact; Minerva Mink was indeed dropped from the Animaniacs lineup due to the television executives claiming to feel "uncomfortable" with her.


	29. Issue 29: Minkharishi

Note; this chapter is the first in what I hope will be a long series of issues set in the "cartoon" world, which means that they definitely don't take place in Minerva's "real" life. You can tell when one of these will take place, because of the little "Emotionutty" disclaimer at the start of the chapter, just to let you know.

* * *

Minktales

Issue 29

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Minkharishi"

Long, long ago, there was a land in the wilderness, as dry and barren as any in the world. Tempers wore thin, over time, and so, people fell into petty bickering, which escalated into terrible wars.

For a long time, people thought that there was no way to end those wars. Many wanted to, but had no sure method of making peace. Then, however, they heard on the breath of the wind that there was a person who had the power to end their wars; a person known as the Maharishi.

The Maharishi was said to live in the mountains across the desert, where the mountain peaks are warm, but not scorching, so many expeditions were begun for the purpose of exploring the mountains and finding the Maharishi. At last, after years of searching, two men from separate expeditions found the same thing at the same time. A figure, clothed in a tan robe and hood, seated on a mountaintop.

The two men who found the robed figure were angry with one another almost at once, because, you see, they hailed from different sides of the war going on in the desert below, and so the two fought on the edges of that mountaintop, carefully avoiding the robed figure, until one managed to push the other down into the foothills.

The victor of that conflict, whose name was Amil, climbed back to the top of the mountain and spoke to the robed man.

"Are you the Maharishi?" Amil asked.

"There are some who call me that." The robed man replied.

"Please. I seek help in ending the war that has lasted for many generations in the desert below. Can you do this?"

"Yes." the Maharishi replied, "I can, but not alone. There are things I will need from you."

"Anything!" Amil exclaimed, overjoyed to hear that the Maharishi would help him.

"First, get me a glass of fresh lemonade and a pair of dark sunglasses, as well as a bottle of fine perfume. Then come back to me. Do not harm anyone, regardless of whose side they are on in the war, until you have performed this errand."

Amil hurried down the mountainside to fetch the important ingredients that the Maharishi had requested.

A few minutes later, the other man, whose name was Nageem, came climbing up the mountainside, and found the robed figure still sitting there.

"I have been expecting you." the Maharishi said to Nageem, "I am the one you seek; the Maharishi."

Nageem was overjoyed by that, and asked "Maharishi, can you end the war that plagues our people in the desert lands below?"

"Yes," the Maharishi replied, "I can. But first, there are things I need from you. Find me a lady's dress conforming to these specifications and a makeup kit of this type. Then come back to me. Do not harm anyone, regardless of whose side they are on in the war, until you have performed this errand."

As the Maharishi said that, he handed the man a note with special instructions on it, and Nageem, pleased to have a hand in the war's end, rushed off to acquire the items requested.

* * *

Getting the items that the Maharishi had wanted proved to be a very difficult and arduous task for both parties, but at last, they climbed back up the same mountain to present their gifts to the Maharishi. Each was displeased to see the other, but neither dared to disobey the Maharishi's instructions by attacking the other, and risk spilling or damaging their hard-earned ingredients.

"Yes," replied the Maharishi, looking over the gifts that had been spread out on the mountaintop, "The perfume and makeup are a bit old, but for our purposes, these will function. Now, follow me, and bring the items that your neighbor came with."

Amil and Nageem found it odd that they should be asked to trade gifts, and odder still that both were being asked to follow the Maharishi, instead of just one, but before they were halfway down the mountain, they found, to their surprise, that they were having an easier time tolerating one another's presence. Something about working together towards a common and worthy goal had helped to mend whatever personal resentments each might have had against the people of the other, and although they still weren't ready to shake hands, by the time they reached the base of the mountain, where the desert stretched out before them, and they could see their people fighting in the distance, neither one could picture killing the other anymore. There was still tension, but the hate was gone.

"Is this the answer, Maharishi?" Nageem asked, "Cooperating together towards a common goal... helping to show us that we can have things in common... This is the means to acquiring peace?"

"You have spoken wisely." the Maharishi replied, "Indeed, the things that different people have in common always exist, whether it be merely a task, a temptation, or a tendency, it binds you together, and so, you can no longer make war on one another. For the two of you, this is answer enough."

However, the Maharishi's head drooped at that moment under the hood, and in only a moment more, the Maharishi spoke again.

"But, I must still keep my promise to you. I must end your war. I must show the men fighting in that field that there is one thing they all have in common, and I must do it all at once. Give me the ingredients that you have brought. I will return shortly."

So, the Maharishi took the gifts from the two men, who had grown wiser from the experience, and each person there considered the trade to be well worth the cost. In a minute more, the Maharishi had disappeared between two hills, and in another fifteen minutes or so, the Maharishi re-emerged, smelling of perfume and some other scents that neither man could place.

"You may follow me, if you like." the Maharishi said to the two men, "As my first students, you deserve to see this, but be careful. I'll be headed into the midst of the battlefield."

"What strange power will he use to end the war?" Amil asked himself silently.

"Will he unite both sides against a new foe?" Nageem thought for only a moment, then dismissed the idea, thinking, "No. That wouldn't bring about peace."

The three figures marched into the middle of the battlefield swiftly and silently, as men waged war around them, and at the last moment, the Maharishi spoke out once more, that time in a different kind of voice; a distinctly female one.

"Oh, boys!"

At once, the hood was pulled back, the robes fell to the ground, and there stood a beautiful, furry Mink wearing makeup and perfume, and a gorgeous lady's dress, that left the arms and much of the legs, and of course the face bare. Her figure was sculpted, her hair and tail were long and golden, and her eyes sparkled with an unearthly radiance that drew in the attention of every man nearby.

Everyone stopped right where they were the moment the beautiful Mink had made her grand unveiling, and they began to feel their hearts pounding, their eyes locked onto hers, and their mouths opening slowly, despite the heat and the sand that would surely make them regret it later. Even Amil and Nageem were utterly mesmerized by the lovely Mink. Some forbidden something-or-other in the back of their minds was trying to tell them it wasn't right, but it was being drowned out completely by the pounding, relentless emotions that assailed every person there. Emotions of desire and want, but also of tenderness and compassion. Not one person there could touch their weapons after that.

All afternoon, the Minkharishi pranced through the desert, casting sidelong glances and pleasant smiles at any man, young or old, who seemed about to commit an act of violence, stopping them in their tracks, and followed by a slow-moving crowd of men, who couldn't stop themselves from staring at her, no matter where she went or what she did.

At last, the Minkharishi's trail took her back to the very mountain where it had all begun, and in moments, she'd ducked behind a foothill and vanished. The men searched and searched for her, but she was gone.

* * *

After two days of searching, the men of that desert began to realize that the lovely mink with the golden hair wasn't returning to them, and they weren't sure what to do. Some suggested getting back to the war, but none of them could remember what they'd been fighting over, so it seemed silly to continue.

That was how the war in the desert finally came to an end; with the common realization that all the men who'd been fighting it, though they'd tried long and hard to deny it, truly had something in common.

"Well, I'd call that a day well spent." Minerva Mink said with a smile as she looked over the desert she'd just brought peace to, "Plus, I got some free perfume and a nice dress out of the deal, and that's good too. I wonder what I'll find in the next time period."

With these words hanging in the air, Minerva picked up her things and left, and no man in those lands ever picked up a weapon again.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, that was a lot of fun, but something tells me things are about to get un-pretty being me again. My best friend Trudy has been real silent lately, and she isn't even enjoying the celebration either. I hope I find out what's bothering her… or should I? Next time on Minktales!"

* * *

Hi. I have a few things I think I ought to share now that issue 30 is fast approaching. First, that although I still love the concept, character and unique humor or Minerva Mink, and still depend upon her for my own emotional well-being, I'm gonna have to slow down. What this means for those who read Minktales is that you might see one chapter every three or four nights, rather than every night, as it's been. I'll definitely keep this pace up through issue 31, meaning a whole month of Minktales has gone by (and I loved every second) but after that, I've gotta take a breather. There are several reasons for this, one of which is the noticeable problems Fanficnet seems to be having at the moment, and another is simply that I'm feeling more pressed to come up with good gags and such in a limited time than I'd like. Giving myself a few nights to check over and proofread each story, or just a couple days to come up with a really good inspiration (chapter 33 I'm writing on an awesome inspiration) seems like the sensible thing to do.

Also, I've heard someone say that Minerva seemed malicious in this last chapter, to which my reply is simply, "You can never be sure, can you?" Minerva sometimes causes harm to others by accident, and plainly doesn't understand why they're acting so strange, and yet at other times she DOES understand, and toys with them on purpose; a common theme in Newt-based stories. So when she does something to someone that really hurts them, no one can be sure whether it's because she doesn't like them and is punishing them, or because she LOVES them and is getting carried away with her own feelings, similarly to the motive confusion of Yakko, Wakko and Dot (Do they understand? Do they not understand?) or the Addams Family (pretty much the same thing). Minerva is so sexy, it can be morbid, if she's not careful.


	30. Issue 30: The Secret of Beauty

Minktales

Issue 30

"The Secret of Beauty"

The celebration had lasted far into the night, with all of Minerva's lady friends making a great deal of noise, though out in the woods, it was only the animals they disturbed. A great many guys were in attendance as well, but they weren't making as much noise after the first fifteen minutes or so, and even when they had been making noise, it had mostly been in the form of whistles, cheers and enthusiastic shouts requesting a date, a kiss or some other things. Minerva Mink had obliged many of those who requested hugs and kisses, not because she actually felt she owed them anything, but because once they were sprawled out on the floor unconscious, they actually did quite a bit to add decor to the festivities.

Trudy was there, her long, brown mink hair and tail waving in the evening breeze coming in through the continually opening and closing door as she stood to one side of the room. Trudy had been somewhat distant for the past couple of weeks, and even as Minerva's party to celebrate her success in entertainment went underway, Trudy had remained apart from the others. She didn't look like she was impassive, or like she didn't want to have fun; she just seemed sad.

At last, nearly an hour and a half past when normal people go to bed, Minerva was able to break away from the crowd of adoring admirers who fell aside whenever one of them got within a few inches of her, and approached Trudy.

"Are you alright, Trudy?" Minerva asked.

"You're happy. That's what matters." Trudy replied sadly. It was as many words as she'd spoken to Minerva for the last ten days, but Minerva Mink wasn't satisfied.

"I want my friends to be happy too." Minerva said, "When it's just me, I get... I get so lonely."

"Then let's talk alone." Trudy said, and opened the front door to leave. Minerva quickly followed, and although it hardly went unnoticed, in moments she and Trudy were standing out by a tree near the pond, and well out of view of the many lovesick guys who were looking around for Minerva outside the house. They weren't out of range of the loud noises the other partygoers were making, but they were at least far enough away that they could hear one another speak.

"So, tell me what's wrong." Minerva insisted, "Look, you don't have to feel guilty about what you did. I know if I'd been in your place, I'd have had a tough time resisting too."

Trudy knew at once what Minerva was talking about. The time, weeks ago, when she'd betrayed Minerva's trust by looking into her high school yearbook when she'd been asked not to, and there, she'd discovered more about Minerva's past, and the secrets of her unparalleled beauty, than even she probably knew.

"No," Trudy replied slowly, "I did feel guilty at first, but it's not that."

"Well, then quit it." Minerva said, "Start having fun with the rest of us. I mean, if what's bothering you is that I wasn't always... gorgeous, well, I expected better, Trudy. I'll bet you had off days when you were younger too. That's all behind me."

"No, you don't need to convince me like that, Minerva." Trudy replied, "It isn't your fault and it never was..."

"So what are you so upset by?" Minerva asked, feeling a little frustrated by that point, "Are you jealous that I'm back on the screen again?"

"No." Trudy replied hesitantly, then muttered, "Well, yes; a little. But I'd still be out there with you having a good time. You know that."

Minerva didn't say anything more, but turned away to look at the pond's reflective surface, so Trudy decided that was her cue to try to explain herself.

"This celebration is a big thing, Minerva." Trudy said, "It marks the start of a new career for you. You have money and influence now that you... well... hadn't really worked for before, at any rate. I guess I'm a little surprised you haven't tried to find your parents."

Minerva looked a little disgusted with the idea, then said, "Look Trudy, I've already told you how things were between my mother and me. My address is no secret, particularly since it's the same place she used to live too, and now, everybody knows my name and face. If she wants to see me, it won't be too hard for her to locate me. If she doesn't want to see me, though, I'm not about to intrude on her life. I hope that's not what this is all about. I think I'd just about die if you tried to tell me I should be showing her gratitude for comforting me in my hour of ugliness or something."

"'Comforting' you..." Trudy thought, frowning even more deeply than before. "Oh, Minerva," she thought silently, "If only you knew... If only..."

"Families don't stick together because they like each other, Minerva," Trudy replied, "or from gratitude. They stick together because they're family."

"That doesn't make any sense, Trudy." Minerva replied, irritably, "At least not to me. I have an image to keep up. Even if I had the slightest inclination, which I don't, I can't just run around looking for my estranged parents. I've got cartoons to make, and endorsement deals to cringe through, and a big movie shoot coming up... I don't have as much time on my hands as I used to, Trudy."

"Yes, you do." Trudy replied, equally irritated, "I'm seen you sunbathing out by the pond just as often as before."

"What?" Minerva asked, surprised, and a little embarrassed by Trudy's latest observation, "Well, I... I can't... I can't chop that off my schedule! It's like an arm. I need some time to relax! Plus, it really helps my coat. You ought to try it sometime."

"You wanted to talk to me, to find out what was bothering me," Trudy said icily, "Now you know."

"I'm not going to talk to my mother just to make you happy." Minerva said, folding her arms as she continued to look at the pond, "I don't even know what brought this up, Trudy. I mean, you never mentioned it before. A couple months ago, you wouldn't have cared if I even HAD a mother."

Trudy shook her head, however. How could she tell Minerva the truth? For the moment, she chose to tell a half-truth instead.

"You mentioned your mother when we were searching through your old stuff." Trudy said, "I'd always thought that your mother was some kind of irresponsible creep before then, but when you started talking about her, I finally thought that maybe she wasn't such a bad mother after all. Maybe she just COULDN'T stay. Maybe she had to choose between you and your father."

"Old news." Minerva replied, still frowning, "I had that figured out years ago. My father flipped when he saw me come home; the most beautiful Mink in the country, with a brand new convertible. He never told me straight out, but I could tell. He couldn't bear being more attracted to his daughter than he was to his own wife. It tore him up inside. If my father had stuck around, it would have driven him completely mad! My mother followed him because she knew he needed comforting, but I don't blame her for that. It was the way she acted before my high school years that always upset me. Her obsession over her antiques, and the fact that she spent more time with them than she did with me. Do you know the real reason I was thick in the middle back then? It was because mealtimes were pretty much the only time my mother ever sat down in the same room with me. I could have counted the number of times we had genuine talks away from the dinner table on my fingernails. She never really cared what happened to me, she never went out of her way to help me, and she only tried to comfort me once or twice. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression about that."

"You're the one who's under the wrong impression!" Trudy shouted, loud enough, that if not for the noise of the party, everyone for a mile probably could have heard her. Trudy had never intended to tell Minerva the truth about her own past, but she couldn't listen to Minerva put her mother down anymore.

"You want to know the truth about your mother, your beauty and your recent success? The truth is, you would never have even got a part as an extra in an episode of Ren and Stimpy if not for your mother! On the day you left for school, and discovered yourself the most beautiful being on Earth in less than four hours, your mother was cleaning a collection of old jars and pots, remember? Do you remember if there were any metal bottles?"

Minerva's expression remained clueless and quizzical, as if to say that she didn't remember, and wouldn't have cared if she had, but Trudy continued her tirade.

"I'm willing to bet there were; very old bottles made of metal, that had been dirty since before your mother found them. Bottles that hadn't been rubbed or polished for decades and decades, and do you know what it is that pops out of an ancient bottle when you rub it?"

Suddenly, realization donned on Minerva's face, as her own eyes and mouth opened wide, but she couldn't speak. Her posture had changed, both shoulders hanging limp as her recently-folded arms hung at her sides. It was unbelievable, and yet...

"Minerva, things don't change for people THAT quickly, not even when you're a teenager. Your transformation wasn't a natural one..."

* * *

Minerva's mother moved to polish a metal bottle with a cleaning cloth. As she did so, something happened that caused her to drop the bottle and fall to the floor in surprise. The bottle, which she'd never cleaned before, was trembling and in a moment, it began to give off smoke from its top, which filled the room in seconds as a deep, powerful voice like thunder echoed through the house...

"I am the genie of the bottle, and I have come forth to grant you whatever wish you may desire."

Angela Mink sat on the floor where she'd fallen, looking up in awe at the large, powerful-looking man who stood before her, wearing puffy pants, slippers with points on the ends and a gem inlaid somehow into his forehead. He seemed not to have any hair on his head, or on his chest, which in the end, only helped to show off his powerful muscle structure, as he looked around the room. At more than one point on his body, he wore incredibly extravagant jewelry, probably to assure whoever discovered him that he could indeed give them great riches if need be.

"Wishes?" Angela remarked, "You mean, any wishes?"

"Any wish that you want." the genie replied, "So long as you retain the lamp, and your life. You cannot use the wishes to lengthen your life or the lives of others, but these are the only limits I have. My magic is nearly all-powerful."

Angela felt the urge to wish for something foolish and selfish at that point. About a hundred crumby wishes raced through her head, each one more tempting than the last, but finally, she forced herself to slow down and think. Then, she remembered the words of her poor daughter that very morning.

"I just wish, just once, something about my life could be really, really beautiful. If I had that, then you could come down on me for being unsatisfied!"

Although the wish didn't tempt her as other wish ideas did, Angela knew, almost as soon as it occurred to her, that it was the only wish she could make. For her own sake, Angela was happy with her life. She had a wonderful family, a hobby that she loved, and was satisfied with her life in the woods. If not for her daughter's dissatisfaction, her life would have been all she could have wanted.

"Can you make my daughter beautiful?" Angela asked at last, "It would really make her happy."

"How beautiful?" the genie asked, and for a moment, Angela stopped to think about it.

At last, however, Angela said "What the heck? There's no limit, right? Let's go all the way. Make her more beautiful than anyone else alive. Make her so beautiful, that almost any man will fall at her feet begging for kisses. Make her beautiful enough to get what she really wants out of life. Give her what she really wants; what she dreams about."

"Beauty beyond the lot of mortals." the genie replied, "Let it be done."

Then, the genie clapped his hands together, and at once, bolts of magic shot forth from them, seeming to vanish into the air, but Angela could tell that they had lost none of their power. No matter where that magic went, it would grant her first wish.

"You may summon me again when the time comes to make another wish." the genie said, "For now, I bid you farewell, but remember that this wish was yours to make."

With those haunting words, he disappeared back into the bottle again.

* * *

"I'm going to go back into that party, Minerva." Trudy said, "I'm going to have fun. I don't think you'll be able to, though, knowing the truth. You've done alright for yourself since that day, but as you said, you're not the only person who should be happy. Your mother gave you her first wish, and you've been spitting on her memory this whole time. I just hope you'll treat her, or at least her memory, with a bit more respect from now on."

Then, Trudy kept to her word, returned to the party, and had a good time for the rest of the evening, and Minerva, as Trudy had predicted, didn't. She spent the rest of the night at the edge of the pond, until the men at the party got tired of waiting for her and left, and the party came to an end.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Whoa. I had no idea. I mean… gee. I'll bet this'll change a few things about my future, but while I'm sorting things out, I think I'll put on a few cartoons I did at Emotionutty, like this next one, about me winning a ticket to spend one night at a 'future house,' but will it be worth the trouble, and if not, what can I do with the rest of my night? I'll see you then, mink fans!"


	31. Issue 31: Home of the Friday After Next

Minktales

Issue 31

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Home of the Friday After Next"

"Alright!" Ron Parkman said, holding up the envelope he'd just been handed, and his microphone in the other, "The slips are in, and now, one lucky person in America will have the chance to test out the House of the Future for a whole day! And the winner is..."

At that, Ron tore open the envelope, and his eyes nearly popped out of their sockets in dismay at the name he found there.

"M-minerva Mink." Ron remarked, crestfallen and frustrated...

* * *

Minerva smiled as she drove up to the house in her bright red convertible. It was a fairly nice-looking house from the outside; very big and fancy-looking, colored mostly white with a metal plate here or there to substitute for windows. Minerva parked her car, then looked down at the brochure in her hand, which read "The Home of the Friday After Next." She'd won it in a competition, and she truly felt sorry for Mister Ron Parkman, who'd needed to hand her the brochure, and had practically fallen all over himself when he did. She could tell that he hadn't wanted to subject himself to such a humiliation, but it was part of his job, after all. Still, it was one of those pitiable situations that you can't really prevent.

Minerva got out of her car and took the keys with her, heading up the steps to the big, white house, and immediately ran into a problem. The problem was that there were over half a dozen unlabeled, identical buttons next to the door, and she couldn't tell which was the doorbell. Unfortunately, the brochure was no help in that respect, so Minerva just tried the one on the upper left.

"Welcome to the Home of the Friday After Next!" the house bellowed loudly, "Please step inside!"

Minerva was truly terrified at that point, but the door before her opened, and she walked in, jumping three feet in the air as it closed behind her with a snap.

"In the Home of the Friday After Next," the house continued to talk, which seemed, if anything, louder from the inside, "everything will be done by computers. This is just one of the many blessings you'll experience during your time in the Home of the Friday After Next."

"Where's the kitchen?" Minerva asked, causing the computer running the house to respond.

"You say you want to be taken to the kitchen? Just hang on!"

Suddenly, Minerva fell over, as the floor under he moved forward, yanking her in another direction as she screamed.

Soon, the floor had stopped, and the computer remarked "Move your feet please," So Minerva, still clinging to the carpet under her with both hands, raised her feet, and instantly, the floor tile she was sitting on sank into the ground, and the rest of the floor started the close up around her arms. Shrieking, Minerva leapt upward just in time to avoid being squashed by the closing floor tile.

However, there wasn't much in the place she'd been brought to that merited such trouble; just a table and a few chairs. No refrigerator, stove or anything.

"What do I do if I want something to eat?" Minerva asked, sure she was about to regret the question.

"In the Home of the Friday After Next, food is all prepared automatically. Just say the name of what you want, and it will be provided for you."

"Alright. Give me a few apple slices to start." Minerva said, "And an issue of Fashionable Woodland Creatures Monthly to read, if you can."

Suddenly, almost all the walls burst wide open, and Minerva shrieked again, as an apple flew through the air, narrowly missing one of her shoulders. Soon, Minerva dove under the table as a big catcher's mitt emerged from one of the walls, placed the apple on the table, and returned to its place in the wall. Next, a metal device that looked like a spider with knives for legs descended on the apple, and Minerva covered both eyes as the apple was diced, then grabbed with the tips of the bladed weapons and moved to one side as a plate fell onto the table. Once all that was done, the spider robot dropped the apple slices on the plate and vanished.

When Minerva climbed out from under the table, the apple slices were all in place, and all the weird machines had vanished, but she had a feeling that her spot under the table, and maybe the chairs had been the only safe locations in the kitchen during that little display. She hesitated, of course, to seat herself, for fear that the chair might electrocute her or something, but she did take the apple slices with her, and jumped in shock as the magazine she'd also requested fell to the table behind her, dropping the plate on the floor, where it shattered into a million pieces.

However, that wasn't the end of it. Almost at once, a weird machine descended from the ceiling, about the size of a rocking chair, and nearly brained Minerva as it came down, then sent what looked like an electric charge through the plate, causing it to form back together again, until Minerva couldn't even see the cracks anymore. Still, she'd lost her appetite for apple slices, and left the plate where it lay on the floor, taking the magazine with her.

Wary of asking the computers to do anything anymore, Minerva wandered about the house for several minutes, looking for a chair to sit in, that didn't look like it was connected to any dangerous machines. At last, she picked out a nice, padded affair with a high back and seated herself. Instantly, the footrest went up like a shot, striking each of her legs on the inside, and shocking her so much that both she and the chair fell backwards onto the floor, and the magazine flew from her grasp.

"I HAVE HAD IT!" Minerva exclaimed, scrambling to her feet, "I have to get out of this dump!"

* * *

Not two minutes later, Minerva found herself climbing out one of the trash cans that she suddenly realized were connected to the house, spitting out garbage all over the place, and coughing and sputtering, deeply regretting ever setting foot inside the so-called Home of the Friday After Next.

"I'm sleeping through the Friday after next." Minerva muttered as she moved towards her car, but just then, she saw the grime all over her hands, and the nice, polished finish on her car, and she didn't dare to touch it, but she wasn't sure what else to do.

Then, however, Minerva had another idea. Praying that her cel was still working, she dialed up a local number...

* * *

Ron Parkman heard his doorbell ring as he sat in his favorite chair, reading the newspaper, and put the paper down to see who it was, however, he soon regretted not looked through the peephole first, as Minerva Mink stepped into his house uninvited. She was irritated, disheveled, bruised and covered in garbage, "but heaven help me," thought Ron, "because she isn't that much less attractive!"

"Hey, Ron." Minerva said, "That house you gave me broke, and I need a place to stay, until I get that free trip back to my own place..."

"Hominahominaheckyeah!" Ron exclaimed as Minerva walked slowly to the bathroom, as if it were her own house, then closed and locked the door behind her. Moments later, Ron could hear the shower going, and he carefully got closer, gathering up his willpower. He felt like he had to tell her to get out. She didn't belong in his house. He was just going to tell her that she had to find a hotel or something, because she certainly didn't belong in his...

"Hey, Ron?" Minerva asked, leaning out the bathroom doorway just enough that he could see one of her arms and shoulders. In short, enough to turn his whole face red instantly, and make both of his legs feel like rubber, and his stomach feel like he'd eaten a box of thumbtacks, "Be a dear and run my stuff through the wash while I'm in, okay?"

Then, Minerva closed the door again, and went back to her shower, and Ron practically collapsed. He was helpless. He had no willpower when she was around. As he came to grips with that, he realized that he had no choice but to do as she said, and pray every moment that he could survive her presence in his home until the time came for her to leave. After all, it would only be eighteen more hours... Eighteen long, trudging hours... Of that mink... In his house...

* * *

"In other news," said newsman George Harrison, "Former 'National Chance Prize' show host Ronald M. Parkman was found to have housed Minerva Mink in his own home overnight, presumably to save her from having to spend time in the new 'futuristic house,' that he had apparently been offering as a temporary residence on his show. When asked about it, he said, for the first time in months, that there might actually be bugs in the house that needed to be worked out, and that he was not going to be offering any more time inside until they were fixed. Correspondant Sally Branchfield also asked Minerva Mink herself how she felt about the night, to which she was heard to reply 'Oh, it started out lousy, but once he let me in, Ron really made up for it. The gifts, the pillows, the nice apple slices on plates that stay broken... That guy sure knows how to spoil a girl."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "There's another cartoon coming up next time, this one about my struggles and trials to try to get at least one on-sale item out of a grocery store crowded with other women. Will I get an item like that? Will I get any items? Well, I guess it's not too interesting in some ways, but I think the store manager is enjoying himself. That's on the next Minktales."

* * *

Well, there you go. I'll be posting the next issue Monday night, if all goes well, but in the meantime, I thought I'd reply to a few reviews. First, on the subject of what, precisely, a Maharishi is, I'm not exactly sure myself, as I've never met one in person before, but every time I've heard the term used, it's meant "wise sage," so I'm using it in that context, making issue 29 of Minktales sort of like the "Wally Llama" episode of Animaniacs.

Also, to the person who noticed the precise wording of Angela Mink's wish, and understood the implications of her use of the word "almost" as it pertained to the effects of the wish, I say bravo. This is also why I called chapter 20 "Guardian of Almost." I had this aspect of the story planned out well in advance.

Lastly, I've just had a brilliant inspiration for yet another Minerva Mink story involving a teenage jogger who MIGHT be questioning what his parents have taught him about romance, but I'm going to wait on that until after I've thought up another issue to use Olivia in, and you probably won't see either one for a couple of weeks anyway...


	32. Issue 32: Store Stampede

Minktales

Issue 32

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Store Stampede"

Minerva Mink hummed happily to herself as she pushed her carriage slowly through the store aisles, looking towards the shelves. Oregano... check. Parsley... check. Those little mint candies that dissolve in your mouth after about ten seconds... check.

"Alright," thought Minerva Mink aloud, "I think that's everything. Now I just..."

However, just then, there was a voice over the speakers in the store.

"Attention, shoppers. Pears are now on sale at twenty-five percent less."

Now, Minerva didn't eat pears very often, but twenty-five percent less was quite a deal, so at once, she sped up, pushing her carriage towards the fruit section. However, by the time Minerva got to the pear area, a whole crowd of people were also there, and most of the best pears were gone.

"This is stupid." Minerva muttered to herself, "Well, I didn't need them anyway."

Then, however, another announcement came over the store speakers.

"Attention, shoppers. There is currently a sale on paprika."

Minerva was only a few feet from the paprika, and she knew that she only had three ounces left at home, but just as she reached for it, a huge crowd of people, all of them (Blast!) women came charging down the aisle, running over Minerva, and taking all the paprika. After that, they ran back the way they'd come, Leaving Minerva on the floor with her carriage twisted like a pretzel and off to one side of the aisle, buried in the remains of the oregano.

"That does it!" Minerva exclaimed, "I'm getting a sale item, one way or another!"

* * *

The next sale was yogurt, and so, in only an instant, Minerva was in the dairy aisle, setting up a springboard under the floor tiles.

"There." she thought, "If anybody else comes this way, they'll totally get thrown into the air."

As if on cue, a herd of female customers charged down the aisle and hit the springboard, being thrown into the air, as Minerva picked up a few yogurts, however, every one of the customers had landed on her in a pile before she could even get the yogurts back to her carriage.

"Ouch." Minerva muttered, as small streams of purple yogurt followed her arms from underneath the very large pile of people, and, temporarily-flattened, she carefully began planning her next attempt.

* * *

That attempt turned out to be an artificial railroad crossing, which Minerva placed right in front of the next sale item, just as it was announced. This sale item was olives, so it was in one of the earlier aisles. That time, however, it seemed that Minerva's plan would work, since the stampeding customers, who approached from both sides, stopped and turned back when they saw the tracks, barricades and flashing lights, ordering them to stop. As soon as they were gone, Minerva, smiling, picked up a jar of olives, then heard, impossibly, a loud train whistle, and shortly after, saw the shelf in front of her come crashing down, as a train moved forward through it, and through her, then everything was stars.

Minerva vowed then and there that no more of her plans at any point in the future would have to do with trains.

* * *

Minerva's next attempt was a wooden wall, positioned in the aisle where the frozen foods were located. The inevitable "peas are now on sail" brought sounds of pounding feet to Minerva's ears, as she reached for the frozen peas, then the wooden wall she'd just finished setting up caved in, as an actual water buffalo stampede crashed through the wood, and ran out the front doors of the store, leaving many shoppers and service representatives genuinely flabbergasted.

"Ow." Minerva muttered as she picked herself up off the floor. "Well, at least I got the peas."

However, moments later, another stampede, that one of shoppers, moved through the place where the wood had been moments before, and grabbed every pack of frozen peas in sight, including the one that Minerva was holding, then ran off before she could object.

* * *

Minerva's next plan was another wall, but that one was made of brick, which, according to a cartoon she'd once seen, was apparently more useful for keeping out carnivorous blowhards.

As she finished the wall, the next announcement began, saying that the on-sale item was chocolate bars, and that time, Minerva smiled as she picked up a bar, and heard the noise of stampeding feet from behind the wall, then heard a crash, and saw the wall vibrate slightly, with the shapes of several crazed shoppers inlaid into the bricks on its surface.

Of course, Minerva didn't usually eat chocolate bars, so to make herself feel better, she stuck her tongue out at the wall, and instantly, it tipped over, right on top of her tongue, as several dozen manic shoppers trampled over its remains, and her...

* * *

Minerva was desperate. She'd never been beaten at anything yet! How could that weird, barely-thinking crowd of sale-happy shopping enthusiasts keep her from her goal? Then, something occurred to her that hadn't before, as a brilliant scheme formed in her mind.

Quickly, Minerva Mink headed to the front of the store, and up to the top of some stairs, where the manager's office apparently was, and he'd be the one who knew the code to get into the speakers.

"Excuse me!" Minerva said as pleasantly as possible, "I have a... complaint."

At once, the door flew open, and the manager, inevitably male, and slightly overweight, was drooling a little, with both eyes open as far as he could manage.

"There we go." Minerva said, "Be a dear and let me into the store speakers, 'kay?"

"Hubba hubba!" the manager exclaimed, "Anything for you!"

Swiftly, he leapt over the side of the stairs as Minerva descended slowly, and in moments, was punching numbers into a telephone, then handed her the receiver. She slowly twirled the phone cord around her left index finger as she placed her right just under her nose to impersonate, almost perfectly, the voice of a gruff, male manager.

"Attention shoppers. Minerva Mink is in aisle seven. If you think she's at fault for bewitching your fathers, brothers, sons, or heck, even grandsons, then go there right now."

Then, Minerva quickly hung up the phone, and asked the drooling manager, "Now what's the next on-sale item?"

* * *

It turned out to be potato chips in aisle three, so Minerva retrieved it while the angry shoppers searched for her four aisles away, and headed to the counter to pay for the item, deeply satisfied with what she'd accomplished that day.

"Like, cash or check or... whatever." the boy at the checkout counter muttered, but Minerva wasn't paying much attention to her payment method anymore.

"Check out!" she exclaimed, her eyes protruding from their sockets, to look the extremely muscular, broad-shouldered kid in the name tag (declaring that he was named "Harry," a relatively sane name,) over from every side simultaneously.

He definitely had a well-toned muscle structure, and was very powerfully-built, with thick, blond hair and shining, if uninterested green eyes. When Minerva's eyes returned to their sockets, her heart began to swell, until it had grown to nearly the size of a hot air balloon, and finally, there was a huge noise, like an explosion, and she was back to normal, leaning on the counter, and facing the boy with her eyes only half-open in infatuation. Small hearts floated upward from the top of her head, to pop when they hit the ceiling, like bubbles.

"Like, you can use a credit card instead, if you want, or somethin'." the boy muttered, still very unenthusiastic, as another sound was picked up by Minerva's sharp ears, though she paid it little heed.

"There she is! Get her!"

Then, only a few seconds later, Minerva's field of vision was filled with stars again.

* * *

Minerva sighed as she collapsed into the front seat of her bright red convertible, turned the key, and headed for home several minutes later. She hadn't won her self-made competition with the other shoppers, hadn't bought a single item, and her hair, makeup and dress were a wreck, but somehow, she couldn't help but feel that the day hadn't been a total loss.

Smiling to herself as she shifted the car into drive, Minerva pulled out of the supermarket parking lot, and headed back to her house in the woods, with a few stray hearts still lingering around her head.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, that could have gone better, but in the next issue of Minktales, good fortune will befall a ground of three young campers as they discover that the woods they've camped in are home to a supernatural beast. See you then!"


	33. Issue 33: The Campfire Angel

Minktales

Issue 33

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"The Campfire Angel"

"So, the man continued to wave his arms wildly at everyone around him, making swift, sharp remarks with his pointed mouth, and pushing his glasses up along his face every so often, and it seemed like everybody would be swayed by his words, when suddenly, one of the bailiffs tripped!" the voice belonged to Amber Lister, who was sitting on one side of a campfire beside a pond in the woods, with a tent pitched behind her, and three younger boys seated on rocks around the other side of the fire, listening casually to her story.

"Yes, he tripped, falling into the man, and suddenly, the glasses and hair fell off the prosecutor, and as he struggled to get up, his jacket fell off too, and do you know what the people of that jury saw, that made them decide against him then and there? He was a giant chicken!"

One of the boys; Mark by name, yawned deeply.

"That's a boring story." another boy named Chad said from across the fire.

"Well, tell you what..." Amber said, "I have to go scout out the area some more, but you boys can think up a more exciting story while I'm gone, then tell me when I get back, alright?"

Then, without waiting for a reply, Amber got up and ran off into the woods.

"'Scouting.' Pft." the last boy; Trevor remarked sarcastically, "She ran off to try to figure out how to get back home. We're lost in the middle of nowhere. That's why she left."

"Come on, Trevor, don't say things like that." Chad replied, looking nervous.

"Yeah. Come up with something scarier." Mark said, getting to his feet, to stand up on the rock he'd been sitting on, then placed one arm over the bottom half of his face, like Dracula as he spoke, "Of course, in my case, I don't need to invent ghost stories. I know right where we are..."

"W-where?" Chad asked, clearly afraid, though he'd never admit it.

"We're in the woods of the pale, hairy beast!" Mark replied, raising both hands forward in clawing motions, "A horrible creature with claws and fangs, and hair made of gold, and no one can ever look directly at it!"

"Why?" Trevor asked the question that Chad was too afraid of, clearly smelling a good ghost story brewing in Mark's clever mind.

"Because anyone who looks upon this horrible creature, be they little boy or full-grown man, falls instantly under its evil spell!" Mark exclaimed, both eyes twitching evilly, "They completely lose all their free will, and the terrible creature carries them off to its den in the woods, where they become its zombie slave!"

"AAAAH!" Chad screamed, closing both eyes, and clutching his knees in fear, but Trevor just looked thrilled. However, soon, someone else spoke up.

"Hey, could you kids keep it down out there?" an unknown female voice asked from within the woods a moment later, "I'm trying to get some sleep!"

For a moment, silence fell over the camp. None of the boys had seen any houses nearby before the sun had set, so of course, all three were puzzled at hearing the sound of a woman's voice other than Amber's in the wilderness.

"Who said that?" Trevor asked, getting to his feet, and turning on his flashlight. In truth, Trevor was the bravest of the three, although Mark did a good job of hiding his fear.

"I'm the mink who lives here." came the reply, "What are you kids doing here, anyway? You don't live here."

"We're camping." Trevor explained, "We were just trying to come up with a really exciting story, and I guess some of us got scared."

"Stories, huh?" the mink asked, "Wow. Just a moment. I have to hear this..."

In truth, it was more like a minute and a half before any sign of the person who'd addressed them could be seen, and when that sign appeared, all three froze in place.

There stood a gorgeous, upright mink, with fur as white as snow, except for the hair on her head and tail, which gleamed a bright, gold color in the light of the flashlight. She had long nails, although they were definitely not sharp and thoroughly painted in pretty colors, and she also seemed to have sharp teeth, like any other mink, but none of the boys there could picture her using them for anything but smiling. She wore a purple bathrobe with a red border along the outside, tied up with a red sash, and her walk as she came towards them was slow and deliberate, swiveling at the hips with each step, as if determined that her hips keep up with her feet in every motion she made. All three young campers tried to scream, because the sight before them filled them with such strange emotions, but none of them could get their mouths to produce any noise, probably at least partly because their tongues were lying on the ground, having taken on a new texture, and a slightly brighter and more distinct hue, as if forming into a red carpet, leading the unnaturally-beautiful mink to the rock where Amber had been sitting, moments before.

"Thank you very much, boys." Minerva said, seating herself on the rock with a slow, purposeful swish, to get her tail out of the way first, as their tongues returned automatically to their proper places, "My name is Minerva Mink. Now, you said you were coming up with stories. What about?"

None of the boys dared to say, of course, partly because they didn't think any story they could come up with would be worth the time of that beautiful angel, and partly because the story they had been fabricating seemed very close to what was happening to them at that very moment. Mark tried desperately to stand up to her... to make a fist... to snarl... anything... "C'mon! C'mon!" he thought desperately, both eyes wide open. Then, with one mighty "COME ON!" shooting through his thoughts, he put all of his willpower into a single burst...

And found the snarl he'd intended to make leaving his mouth as a contented sigh. He was genuinely scared by that point, and well aware that control over his own feelings, and in a way, even his actions was no longer his, and as he realized that, he knew just as thoroughly that he was helpless to do anything but come up with a half-answer to Minerva's question.

"N-n-nothing... nothing you'd probably find too interesting."

"Oh?" Minerva asked with a sweet-looking, little pucker, that caused all three boys to convulse with emotion, "That's a shame. You seemed like such creative boys too..."

"I bet... I b-bet you... y-you could come up... Mmmaaaah! I bet you could come up with a more interesting story. Mmm..."

That had been Chad, whose outbursts had been due to the fact that really, he'd had no intention of actually saying that. He'd even tried to stop himself, but he couldn't. His heart obviously wanted her to stay, and tell them a story, and when Mark thought about it, he realized that his heart wanted the same thing. He could try to deny it; try to say that his fear was more important than his desire, but Minerva Mink was too strong. He couldn't argue with the emotions flooding his heart whenever he looked at her anymore, so he seated himself on the ground, not caring if he got grass stains on his pants, or really, about anything else, as Minerva said, "Oh, I couldn't. I mean, my stories tend to be so boring..."

"No, n-no! Tell us!" Trevor exclaimed, clearly having succumbed to his own overwhelming feelings as well, by that point.

"Oh, alright." Minerva Mink replied, "You see, this story isn't very exciting, and it doesn't have any sword fights, or monsters, or dungeons, or anything. In fact, it's sort of a sad story, but I think you might enjoy it."

Indeed, by that point, the three of them would have enjoyed any story, so long as Minerva was the one who told it.

"Well, once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess, and although she never wanted for money, and was very, very beautiful, she was very lonely. She was lonely, you see, because she was TOO beautiful. Men came to her from all across the world, to seek her courtship. Rich men, poor men, big and small men; even a few no older than yourselves."

When she said that, all three shivered with emotion, which drew a smile from her lips, so she continued.

"Anyway, the problem was that of all the would-be suitors who came to that lovely princess's house, not one demonstrated a will strong enough to spend an evening with her in quiet conversation. They either hooted, shouted and flew off the handle with passion, or else they shrank away, shy and weak-willed, and passed out at the first opportunity, and not a single man that she met could keep from fainting when she gave them a kiss; even a kiss on the hand, which was a pretty standard greeting for rich people back then. It was enough to send those men into slumber land for hours."

"But despite that, every so often, the beautiful princess would be out exploring the world around her house and go into the kingdom where she lived, and she'd meet a man of incredible will and good looks, who didn't seem to be paralyzed by her, and when that happened, she would try her best to win them over. Still, most of those men didn't want anything to do with the beautiful princess. They saw all the people trying to be her suitors, and thought that must mean that she was popular and stuck-up, when really, she was very lonely. But, despite all that, the Princess lived for years in that way, and in her own way, she was happy, because even though she was alone, she always had the chance to look upon faces filled with compassion and generosity."

"Now, it's getting really late." Minerva said, getting up from the rock she'd been sitting on, "I guess you three will be sleeping in the tent tonight. Line up by the tent entrance, please."

They all did that synchronously, like army recruits, as Minerva drew closer to the boys, drawing sweat from their brows, the closer she got to them. Soon, she leaned forward, and pecked them each on the forehead in turn, and Mark had only a few seconds to be jealous of Trevor and Chad, before he felt her immaculate lips touch his forehead, and found himself blacking out.

* * *

Amber had been the first to wake up in the morning despite, apparently, being the last to fall asleep. All three of the boys who'd come with her on the camping trip had conked out in unusual positions on top of their sleeping bags in the tent, rather than opening them, which seemed a little odd to Amber. Still, when Mark, who woke up first, peeked his head out of the tent, and asked, "Is she gone?" Amber was pleased to see that he didn't seem the least bit tired. He'd obviously gotten a very good rest.

"No, I'm not gone. I'm right here." Amber replied, causing Mark to jump slightly, until he saw who it was. Then, he climbed out of the tent, still wearing the clothes he'd had on the night before.

"So, come up with any good stories that I missed out on?" Amber asked, "I came up with one about a girl who explodes when she gets angry."

"No thanks." Mark replied somewhat blandly, "After last night, I don't think I could ever find girls scary."

"Why?" Amber asked, curiously, "What happened?"

"A beautiful angel appeared." Mark tried to explain, "All covered in white and gold, and robes of purple and red. We were scared at first, because there was love all around her, following her like a pet, but when we finally realized that the love wasn't going to hurt us, we couldn't be scared of it anymore... Then, the angel sat down by the campfire, and told us all a story about a beautiful princess, who lived alone, and then, she kissed us all on the foreheads, and she's been in my dreams since then."

"Wow." Amber said, smiling, "I guess you really did come up with an exciting story. It won't scare too many kids around campfires, though."

"That's alright." Mark replied, "I don't really care about being scared anymore."

* * *

However, something else happened later that morning, which Amber couldn't have predicted. First Trevor woke up, telling the same story, in different words, about the campfire angel, then just to be sure, Amber woke Chad up herself, and asked him about her in private. His story was exactly the same. Amber had a feeling, of course, that they'd discussed it the night before, and decided to try to fool her, and yet... there was something about the story that seemed somehow familiar...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I admit, I enjoyed that, and I wouldn't be too surprised if they did too, but in the next Minktales, it's back to business with another cartoon, this one set in a jungle, where I'm greatly revered by most, but not all. Newt's back, and he's got plans to bring me in, but when I catch on, he may find himself in horrible danger. That's the law of the jungle, on the next Minktales."

* * *

Alright. I've been asked why last issue (and this one falls under the same question, sorta) was a cartoon, rather than an ordinary Minktale about Minerva's real life. Conceivably, it could have easily happened to her, and this one could too (and I insist, as my own personal desire, that it did, and was translated into cartoon form later.)

The reason the last issue was a cartoon is because I'd used the name "Store Stampede" to describe one of Minerva's cartoons before, and wanted to do an issue about that. But there's more.

The real reason why both of these issues are cartoons is that Minerva is too busy stressing over the news about her mother at the moment to actually be casual enough to do any of this stuff in the current time. These are to be taken, therefore, as both cartoons and chronicles of things that DID happen to her at some point in the past, before her revelation, unless of course, you'd rather suppose they didn't happen.


	34. Issue 34: Minerva Queen of the Jungle

Minktales

Issue 34

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Minerva; Queen of the Jungle"

Once upon a time; far away in a deep, dark jungle, there was a mink. The mink wasn't very strong, or very fast, but she was smart, and she was very, very beautiful. Because of that, all the creatures of the jungle feared her, and every time they heard her heavenly singing, they would either stare directly upward, or run for cover, because that was when they knew that Minerva would be swinging by.

Minerva smiled as she swung forward on an actual swing made of vines, and a board that she'd built into the jungle a long time ago.

"Well, what did you expect?" she asked, "I'm not clinging to some old vine, while it rushes through the forest."

The Jungle Queen's clothing consisted almost entirely of a orange and black spotted fur ensemble, arranged into a sort of sleeveless tunic that showed off her long, slender arms and shoulders, as well as her neck. It was belted at her waist by a thick chord, made of green vines woven together, and continued down past her waist by about a foot, which meant that the better part of her legs were left bare. She also wore, however, cloth socks made of the same, furry material, tied to her ankles in the same way.

The ensemble was the result of one poor creature that had once fallen off a cliff with shock when he'd tried to hunt Minerva, and after mourning him for a couple hours, Minerva had decided that he shouldn't go to waste, and had taken his fur for her usage. Before that, she'd worn mostly dresses ordered out of the sears catalog, but the fur ensemble was much more comfortable, and more stylish too, for a jungle queen.

However, there was one creature who had the courage and bravery to attempt to hunt the much-revered mink, and that creature was Newt, the jungle hound.

* * *

"I'm going to catch that Mink once and for all!" Newt growled to himself, "I'll grab it right around its scrawny little neck and throttle it, pound it against the ground, then shake it back and forth, and stomp on it for good measure. Grr... growl... snarl..."

For quite some time, Newt continued to growl and snarl louder and more ferociously, until he looked more like a cloud of dust than a hound, and sounded something like a lawnmower, showing no sighs of slowing down.

Then, suddenly, Minerva's vine swing came to a stop, and she alighted right in front of Newt, then slowly, patiently said, "Hi."

Newt froze where he was, all his growling and snarling ceased. Even though the same emotional energy still coursed through him, he couldn't let out even a single "grr." All he could manage, when he tried very, very hard, was something that sounded largely like a wheezing noise, then, exhausted from the effort, Newt tumbled over, not like a person falling to one side, but like a million grains of sand falling into a pile. Smiling, Minerva continued happily on her way back to her tree house. Whatever twist of fate had made males the hunters of most jungle species, she though, was responsible for her queenship over the jungle.

* * *

Newt knew, from that moment on, that if he wanted to catch Minerva Mink, he needed to design a clever trap that didn't amount to a frontal assault, so he set his first trap just outside of Minerva's house; a rope tied into a noose, buried in the sand.

"Once that curvaceous Mink steps on this trap," Next muttered to himself gleefully, "she'll be yanked up into the trees by her ankle. Once that happens, I can come up with any number of plans to get her down and into my clutches."

Quickly, Newt hid in the bushes and waited for Minerva to leave her house. He was only waiting for a few minutes, however, before she stuck her head out of the front door, and saw the rope.

"Ooh!" she exclaimed, "This must be the chord to call the butler, or maybe it's hooked up to the doorbell!"

Then, she yanked the rope with one hand and let go, watching sadly as it vanished into the trees above.

"Well, that was disappointing." she said sulkily, as she headed back into the house, and indeed, it had been a disappointment for Newt too, and no less so moments later, when a very large safe fell on him from above.

* * *

Newt's next plan was a pit in the middle of the woods, covered with leaves, and although it was a simple enough plan in concept and execution, he had a feeling it might work. However, as he heard Minerva Mink approach, and hid in the bushes, he could barely help but watch.

As Minerva stepped forward towards the leaves, however, she continued across, as if the pit didn't even exist, and as Newt watched in simple shock and horror, she continued on her way, leaving behind three lovesick-looking moles and a wolverine.

"They must have moved dirt into the hole when they saw her coming!" Newt muttered ruefully, "But where did they get the dirt?"

Newt got his answer all too quickly, however, as the ground caved in underneath him, and he fell a great distance.

* * *

Newt's next plan was truly brilliant, he thought to himself. He fitted a doorway over the edge of the jungle, leading to the open field, where a group of man-eating lions was resting, then put a sign over the door, reading "This way to the dreamy, handsome guys."

"She won't be able to resist this one." Newt chuckled as he hid in the bushes to watch.

Sure enough, Minerva came along in no time, and seeing the sign, immediately yanked open the door in a frenzy, and ran inside, closing it behind her. For a few seconds, Newt smiled, expecting at any moment to hear the sounds of a violent struggle. Then he waited for a minute... Then two, then three.

Finally, Newt was fed up, and had no idea what was going on inside that door, so he opened it and the sight inside almost made him cry.

The field had been decorated with a bright purple carpet and some window blinds, held in mid-air by seemingly nothing, and all of the lions were lying on the rug, listening attentively as Minerva sat on a comfy armchair with a bowl of meat slices next to her.

"So, anyways, I told him that he just wasn't my type, and the poor man fell over. Then, I... Oh! Hello. Come on in. I'm sure the lions won't mind if there's another guest."

In fact, the lions minded very much, attacking Newt en masse as Minerva finished the meat slices and started for home again.

* * *

As the jungle queen reached her home, Newt had one more plan that he was sure would work. Placing a package into the mailbox at the edge of her tree house, he hid behind one corner of the house, to wait as Minerva approached, while he continued licking his wounds.

As soon as Minerva Mink got close enough to her house, the first thing she did was check her mailbox, and found the package inside, then opened in with a look of wonder on her face.

"Candies? For me?" she exclaimed with much false humility, "But who could have sent it? I wish they were here right now, so I could give them a great, big kiss!"

Newt's control instantly fell into the abyss as he heard that remark, and rushed forward from his hiding place, confessing "It was I, my beloved, golden river of joy!"

"Oh!" Minerva said, slowly drawing closer, and causing Newt to start sweating, "Well, I guess I owe you... a little something..."

It was then that Minerva did perhaps the cruelest thing she'd ever done to Newt. She put one of the candies in his nose, and kissed him.

Newt would have gasped if he could have. His heart rate had accelerated to warp ten, and his whole body felt like it was on fire, but he dared not try to breathe in through his nose, or the poison that laced the candy might begin to effect him, and he couldn't remove his lips from hers, because he would sooner have died.

Still, Newt's pulse kept going up and up as Minerva maintained her position there. For second after torturous second, Newt continued to suffer the agony of suffocation, turning blue as he clung to his life with one indomitable will, and the vision before him with the other, daring not to give up either one, but knowing for a fact that if she didn't force herself away in a moment, he was done for!

Fortunately for Newt, Minerva Mink did indeed back off, just at the last second, giving him only a moment to take a sharp breath through his mouth and removed the poisoned candy from his nose. She tossed the remaining candies into the garbage bin nearby, made from a hollowed-out tree trunk, and smiling one last time as he coughed and sputtered.

"Stay out of trouble, now, and don't forget who the queen of the jungle is."

* * *

Newt spent the next four hours washing his nose inside and out, before he was satisfied that its poison levels had dropped to normal, and he was still gasping for breath through his mouth for most of that time. He hadn't been able to beat that mink. He'd failed, and he hadn't gotten her fur, or the reputation that defeating her would surely have brought. On top of that, he'd been thoroughly humiliated, as Minerva had demonstrated the law of the jungle in action once again. However, as Newt spit one last time into the lake, causing several fish to swim off in different directions, he couldn't help but feel that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't got the worst of the situation after all...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Hey, I don't think he's sorry either! Not too shabby. On the next Minktales, it's back to business. I have a haircut to get, and I feel so sorry for that poor hairstylist, that I have to reward him for putting up with me, but how will he take my kind of 'reward,' and how deep does the reward run? It's a dramatic story about the heart's inner workings when Minktales returns!"

* * *

Alright. It may be a little bit before any sign of vampires shows up, but don't worry. I'll get to that in time. As for Minerva's family affairs, there are actually a few more cartoon episodes to get through first, but I'll be getting to that too, within a few weeks. I've actually already finished writing up the plot for that part of the story, but as it's such a powerful story about big changes in Minerva's life, I've postponed it for several issues. I should also mention that this issue, and the next one, are the last issues I wrote in a rush, so bare with me, and if you can enjoy them, that's good too. The quality only goes up from here, in my opinion.


	35. Issue 35: Haircut

Minktales

Issue 35

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Haircut"

Gregory tapped the comb on the side of the jar to get some of the moisture out. He preferred to use it that way, and although he was new to town, his success as a hairstylist in his old city had been phenomenal. All things considered, he probably should have been expecting things to not go as planned.

Gregory was a guy, about thirty, with a strong chin and long arms, and he had light brown hair and blue eyes. He'd just finished giving one lady a trim along the edges and ends of her hair, and received a generous tip in exchange, but as he watched her leave, someone else appeared, who he couldn't possibly ignore.

Minerva Mink was seated in the waiting area, watching him with an intense, but friendly smile. He tried to turn away from her, tried to look elsewhere, tried not to stare, but excessively intense feelings were starting to creep up along the sides of his consciousness already, and she was still several yards away.

"Don't let me get her. Don't let me get her." he murmured a little insincerely as Minerva walked up to the register again with a smile, to talk to the lady there.

As it turned out, only one of the people in the waiting area was a man. The other three were women, and the man had hit his head on a light fixture while he was leaping around in ecstatic delight over the sight of Minerva, and lost consciousness, thus missing his appointment. Despite that, Minerva was sitting there for almost ten minutes as she waited for the others to finish.

"Why" Gregory asked, in emotional distress the whole time, "does she have to keep staring at me?"

At last, however, her turn came, and to Gregory's terror and dismay, she sat down in the chair he was tending. Worse of all, just as he'd suspected, the emotional impulses that had been messing with him up to that point only got stronger the closer she was to him.

"I'll have just a little trim at the very bottom," Minerva said, "and maybe you can get creative with the style... or something. I suppose if I like it, I can always... keep... it."

She couldn't have said anything worse for poor Gregory, because every word dripped with artificial passion, or at least, the implications of it. It was as if she was trying to remind him that she was incredibly hot, as if he needed any reminding, and the result was that her already-oppressive charm was becoming a fire in his heart. The closer he got, and the longer he spent near her, the more his heart melted, but he couldn't disobey her...

* * *

Things only got worse when Gregory touched Minerva's hair. Instantly, the intense, passionate sensations grew by leaps and bounds, and he hurried to cut as well, and yet, as fast as he could, to finish the job, so that he might be at liberty to talk to her, but about halfway through the job, he reached for the comb, and found it missing. She was, he soon discovered, running her left forefinger along its teeth, producing a rapid clicking noise as she sat, waiting for him to finish. After a few moments, however, she noticed that he'd stopped, and handed the comb to him.

Again and again, little interruptions like that showed up in the routine, although Minerva didn't try, at least, to take his scissors, and when, at last, he made one final snip, he immediately fell to his knees, the emotional pressure too much for him, as Minerva got up in front of him.

"Thank you for putting up with me." the shining vision before him said, then pressed something flat and green into his hand, and started to walk away.

"W-wait!" Gregory exclaimed, causing Minerva to turn and face him again.

"Oh, very well," she said with a sigh, walking back towards him, "but you'll lose productivity while you're out."

At first, Gregory didn't know what Minerva meant by that, until she took his head in both hands, and gave him a kiss on the forehead. In less than a second, he collapsed, unconscious, to the floor, and his dreams were all of her.

The female stylists all scowled unpleasantly at Minerva as she strode from the shop, paying the cost of the haircut in exact change on her way out.

* * *

Gregory didn't wake up until almost closing time, despite the fact that the other stylists had made no effort to keep from kicking him as they walked this way and that. He hadn't really wanted to wake up, because he'd known that Minerva wouldn't be there when he opened his eyes. Plus, he could tell that he was bruised all over. Still, he'd managed to keep the bill in his hand, so he got to his feet and looked it over.

It was a twenty. She'd given him even more for "putting up with her" than the haircut itself had cost. Of course, the value of the kiss she'd given him could hardly be measured in money. It was the best possible end of the experience with Minerva Mink; safe, efficient, sure, and yet, it was lovely and delightful beyond the power of words to convey, or thoughts to file or explain. In that town, people called Minerva Mink "Heartbreaker" and "Temptress" as almost pseudonyms, but to him, she seemed more like an angel. He had no desire to ever move to another town after that day, unless she moved there first.

* * *

For another sort of person, that might be the end of the story.

However, Gregory had a cat who, for several days, hadn't shown its face at home, and when he got to his apartment later in the day, he could see that his cat had brought home a small rodent; possibly a vole of some kind, leaving it on his doorstep, and was sitting next to it, very proud of herself.

On another night, Gregory might have scolded her, or even yelled at her, but that night, he couldn't bring himself to lose his temper, and after realizing what he was attempting to do, he decided not to. Instead, he just grabbed his cat and took her inside, without commenting on the catch, hoping she'd get the message if he left it there, and maybe threw it away later.

Gregory made dinner inside his apartment that night, deriving a great deal more joy from experimenting with different flavors in the dish than he normally did. In fact, he was having such a good time, he decided to invite his girlfriend Melissa over for dinner, and that was how his next date with her began. In fact, it was probably the most romantic date that the two of them had had since they'd first met. It felt like all of his emotions had been trying to get through a tiny pipe for his whole life, and all of a sudden, the pipe had been cleaned out, and unclogged, then washed once more for good measure, and put back into place. He'd never felt so emotionally-stable.

"Gee, this is really good." Melissa said, tasting the dish he'd put before her, which was largely steak, with sauce of his own design, "Did you make this yourself, Greg? I can tell you put a lot into it."

"Well, I guess I just had a lot to put in today." Greg replied with a smile, but he didn't explain the events of the day any further than that. The date had gone very smoothly, and in the end, finished with a warm embrace, and a soft kiss, and Greg was glad to see Melissa so happy. He certainly didn't want to reveal to her that a kiss from another woman had rearranged his whole personality in a way that her kisses couldn't.

That night, Greg set his alarm, loving the feel of the plastic ridges on the button under his fingertips, then climbed into bed, shivering at the soft, delightful comfort of the bed sheets, and pulled the sleek, smooth metal switch, to turn off the light next to his bed, then fell asleep. After that, although his dreams were no longer filled with images of Minerva Mink, they did seem to be far more lovely and lighthearted dreams than he usually had, and he found himself enjoying them all the same.

* * *

The next day, when Gregory got to work at the hair shop, brushed off his combs and razors, and cleaned his scissors, he found, on the table next to the chair he usually minded, a note with the initials "M.M." imprinted on it.

Inside, it said, "Heard what happened. Sorry about the bruises. Hope the kiss and the tip made up for it. Sincerely, Minerva Mink." Then at the bottom, it had Minerva's home address.

Gregory just chuckled to himself, that she'd called it simply a "kiss." Perhaps, to her, that was all it was, but to him... well...

Some people sometimes encounter things in their lives that change them forever. The sight of a breathtaking canyon, or a beautiful sunset, or a brush with death. Then there are people who, no matter what they do, touch the lives of all they meet, changing them for the better, and although Gregory wasn't sure if he'd ever see Minerva again, he knew for a fact that Minerva Mink was that kind of person.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Wow. I didn't know it was going to have that kind of impact on him. Next issue is another big comedy one. Olivia's back, and it looks like she's come into some science fiction technology, because she's after me with robots, troopers and a mysterious force I may find hard to understand at first. I hope to see you soon, when Minktales returns."

* * *

Well, someone sounded confused by the vampire thing I said last issue. A vampire plot for Minerva has been mentioned more than once by reviewers, and I admit, it's a good idea. In fact, I intend to do two vampire-related plots by the end of the year.

As far as mentioning the leopard skin, however, it seems some "D'ohs" are in order. The truth is, I got caught up in the comedy and just sort of forgot to bring it up at first. That's been corrected now, so you'll have no trouble picturing her wearing it. I know I did.


	36. Issue 36: Olivia Strikes Back

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

Minktales

Episode XXXVI

"Olivia Strikes Back"

A Long Time Ago, in a Forest Far, Far Away...

* * *

The log house, pond and  
surrounding woods had just  
been acquired by our captivatingly  
beautiful heroine, Minerva Mink.

* * *

Meanwhile, the vengeful  
Olivia Otter, obsessed with  
destroying Minerva, sends  
sci-fi robots after her in  
an effort to finish her for good.

* * *

These robots, unfeeling  
creatures of metal and circuits  
could spell the end for  
our mink heroine, struggling  
to find peace in her life...

* * *

Minerva Mink placed the pot with the dirt in it by the window and carefully planted the seeds inside, pushing them down, and covering them over with her gloved fingertips, then carefully began to sprinkle water over them.

Suddenly, there was an enormous crash that shook the whole house, jostling Minerva's large, golden mop of hair as it did so, and causing her to look around in alarm. After only a moment, however, she picked up the seed packet, and looked at it a little more carefully. Then, suddenly, something appeared at the window that was big, dark and had three glowing, red spots on it. Minerva blinked a few times as the robot studied her contours with its computers, then she gave the robot an admiring smile.

"Target acquired. Capture in progress."

"I'll bet you say that to all the girls." Minerva said seductively, and in only a moment, the robot's normal one and zero readout started to change. Suddenly, there were spaces in its coding, where, instead of numbers, heart-symbols were appearing. They became more and more frequent, until the symbols completely composed the coding, and the robot simply froze up, refusing to move any further.

"I love how those older Phillips robot models always lock up when they're done." Minerva said with a grin, as she moved the potted seeds to a small end table nearby.

* * *

A couple hours later, more robots arrived, but those ones were a little different. Minerva was a bit surprised, as her front door slid up into the ceiling, and looked outside, to see that a small robot, closely resembling a garbage can had inserted a thin rod from its body into a port on the side of the door.

"Huh." Minerva muttered, "I never noticed that port before, but I guess it makes sense..."

Immediately, the small robot started chirping and whistling, then eventually fell over on the grass; a large cloud of smoke escaping from its top.

"Behave yourself Emtwee." the other robot, which accompanied it said, "I am Ceeyaerrlee; human, cyborg and mostly robot. I am fluent in over eight million forms of... uh... communica... uh... cation."

"You're cute." Minerva said to the large, tall, gold-colored robot, built in a roughly humanoid design.

"Th-th-thank you madam..." the robot replied, "But I'm not really interested in ladi-in lad-in lay...dee..."

"Oh?" Minerva asked it, stepping closer, and moving her finger around the swirly design on its chest, "Are you... sure?"

"Ee-nee-err-lee-YEE!" the robot screamed, falling onto the grass, to join its comrade, as Minerva swiftly turned the port in the side of the door back the other way, causing it to slide back down again, then opened the same door by the doorknob, and stepped back inside.

"Eight million forms of communication..." Minerva joked as she closed the door behind her, "but not the one form the poor guy needed."

* * *

Not too long after that, Minerva was sunbathing next to the pond, when there came a series of loud crashes, filling the forest with noise and commotion. Quickly taking off her sunglasses and putting down her mirror, Minerva swiveled at the hip, to get up off the lawn chair she'd been sitting on, and headed over in the direction that all the other animals seemed to be running away from. Then, through the upper canopy of the trees, a massive, four-legged robot burst out into the open, knocking one of the trees down as it went, which fell into the pond.

"Oh!" Minerva exclaimed, agitated, "Look what you've done!"

Then, Minerva opened both eyes and looked sideways at the robot, her unnatural charm pouring forth in its direction, as she said, just loud enough to be heard over the din "Bad robot. Bad, bad robot."

At once, the big robot collapsed, its legs giving out under it. What was the point anymore? Minerva Mink didn't like it. Just as the lights in its eyes were about to go out, however, Minerva walked up to the great big robot's head and said, "Oh, there there. I have people I can call to fix that. It's no problem. I suppose you're not such a bad robot, really."

The imperial walker was absolutely thrilled. Getting back to its feet, it leaned all the way over, towards Minerva, and gave a short, joyful whine as she stroked its metal chin. Then, Minerva Mink bent forward, and gave the robot a kiss on its shiny nose, and pushed its chin up just slightly as she did so, but the strength had left it, and the entire hundred-ton monstrosity fell right into the pond with a huge splash.

* * *

Not long afterwards, as Minerva finished drying out her rugs, which had been absolutely soaked by the waves created when the walker had fallen into the pond, she heard a knock at the door.

Once more, Minerva opened it, to find about five hundred men in white armor carrying ion blasters, and facing her from outside.

"Pardon me, miss." One of the stormtroopers said, "But we need you to come with u... uh... guhguh! Come with me now, and never leave me again!"

"What're you talking about?" the one next to him asked, "I saw her first!"

"We all saw her at the same time, you blinking liar!" one near the back exclaimed in a clear British accent.

"Did not! Did not!" shouted another.

Minerva Mink yawned, examining her nails, as clouds of dust were kicked up all across the forest. A few blaster shots were heard, but mostly, the stormtroopers seemed to have forgotten they even had blasters, and after about five minutes, it wouldn't have mattered anyway. They were all out cold.

"Well, I guess I'd better start cleaning up." Minerva said sadly, grabbing a broom and a trash can, "Whenever these big crowds come to visit, they always leave so much garbage behind..."

* * *

About an hour later, Minerva heard her doorbell ring, and sighing, opened the door again. There stood a very tall, imposing figure in black armor, that covered his entire body. He looked so tall, dark and mysterious, that Minerva felt just a little attracted to him in some ways.

"I have been searching for a mink," the tall, dark man said, "and you are her."

Then, raising one hand, and positioning it midway between his face and hers, he said, "You will come with me to the space cruiser."

For a moment, Minerva felt the words echo in her mind, as if some cosmic force were commanding her to do his bidding, but she smiled again after a moment.

"I will come with you to the space cruiser." Minerva echoed, "But first, there's something I think you ought to know."

"Oh?" the tall man asked, "And what would that be?"

"Well, you've come to the wrong place." Minerva said with a charming squint in her eyes.

"I... have come to the wrong place." the tall man said.

"I'm not the mink you're looking for."

"You're not the mink I'm looking for."

"I can go about my business."

"You can go about your business."

"But if you're sure it's what you want, you can come with me."

"Yes. I will come with you."

Minerva cheered happily, and leapt into the great, big man's arms, kissing him right on the face mask, although all that metal and plastic wasn't the same as actual lips. It only helped to add to the mystery.

Suddenly, there was a bolt of lightning, and Minerva and the dark figure turned to look at it, to see Olivia the otter, dressed in a black robe.

"Your failure disappoints me, Lord Fazer." Olivia said angrily, then glared at Minerva equally hard, and said "Now, Minerva Mink, you will die."

Then, raising both hands, Olivia shot bolts of electricity at Minerva, which struck out from many different directions, causing Minerva to leap upward with a small section of her dress in flames.

"Funny." Olivia muttered, "It never started fires in the movie..."

"I find your lack of real scientific knowledge disturbing." Lord Fazer said, then lunged forward, and grabbed Olivia by the neck in one hand.

"Hey, you don't happen to have some kind of energy reactor around here, do you?" Lord Fazer asked as Minerva finished putting out her dress fire.

"Well, uh..." Minerva muttered, "Kinda. It's just a little one, out back, just in case we have a blackout, but I don't go around broadcasting it."

"Good enough." Lord Fazer replied, then quickly carried the squirming Olivia towards it, and a few moments later, Minerva heard the sound of a very disappointed Otter plummeting hundreds of feet into the ground.

* * *

Olivia was charred. She was embarrassed. She was disappointed, and she'd failed, but as she ordered herself to be brought back aboard her star cruiser, still in her restrictive casts and bandages, she heard the news.

"One of our probe droids has returned!" a young lieutenant exclaimed.

Olivia leapt with joy at the thought. Had she captured that Mink, even despite everything?

"Have it brought here!" she exclaimed, and in moments, the probe droid was in front of her.

"Open up and let's see what you found." Olivia commanded, and so the probe droid opened up, and the entire room was filled with a white gas that soon covered everyone in the command chamber.

* * *

"Having fun, Mart Fazer?" Minerva asked the dark-armored figure, who sat next to her in her car at the drive-in.

"I have never had so much... fun... in my life." Fazer replied, "But are you not afraid that Olivia may pursue you again?"

"Well, maybe she will, later." Minerva said, taking another bite of her popcorn, "But not while she's frozen in carbonite."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, that actually turned out pretty good. I had fun, anyway, and on the next Minktales, I'm back in my own real life. There's a poor, young jogger, running through the park, who thinks he's no longer attracted to women, and I'm just the woman to bring him around. I'll see you then!"


	37. Issue 37: The Jogger

Important Notice: This issue of Minktales is not a cartoon, but it chronicles something that happened to Minerva once in the past, and may well have happened to her more than once. It deals with some themes which may be considered a bit adult or even offensive to some people, but I want to make sure people understand where Minerva stands on this important issue. Still, as her defining characteristic is that she radiates true love, this should have been somewhat obvious from the start…

* * *

Minktales

Issue 37

"The Jogger"

"That's the kid." One woman, about forty-five, said to the other, a much younger individual, as she pointed to the eighteen-year-old boy dressed in green and purple, jogging through the park.

"Hmmm..." the younger woman said, "Yes... I see the problem."

"Well, you know that normally, I wouldn't come to you for anything, but I don't think you mean any harm, and... well... I just can't bare to let my son destroy himself like this. Can you help him?"

"I've never met a case I couldn't help." the younger lady replied, running her hands through her long, golden locks, "In ten minutes, the boy'll see things your way. I money-back guarantee it!"

Then, the younger woman strapped a headband to her own head and was off, pursuing the young jogger at a safe distance.

* * *

Carl loved the feel of the wind in his face as he jogged through the park in his favorite jogging outfit. It made him feel, just once in a while, like he could finally start to do things the way he wanted to, without having to be concerned with what other people thought of him. It was a rare feeling, but one that he found quite pleasant, particularly since he'd more recently been feeling very oppressed by the viewpoints of others.

Ever since Carl had made the announcement of his recent revelation to his family, and gotten their replies, he'd known that they really weren't ready to accept anything about it. He could only hope, deep in his heart, that they wouldn't make themselves his enemies, trying to convince him that he was wrong about himself.

Carl started to get tired after a few more minutes as those thoughts drew a series of nervous gasps from him, so he decided to stop and rest on one of the many benches that lined the park walkways, little realizing that the figure who was in pursuit of him saw him stop, and carefully gauged when he would be getting his breathing back under control, and how long it would take her to reach the same bench. Soon, the woman following him had picked up her pace, and sure enough, just as Carl was about to get back up, Minerva Mink seated herself next to him, in her jogging outfit, very similar in color and tint to his own.

Carl's mouth hung open as she made a show of breathing hard, though still slowly, and in a well-measured way, so that it only made her seem even more... but no. Carl knew he couldn't be feeling such things. After all, he wasn't attracted to women, right?

"Oh, that's a long route." Minerva moaned, drawing Carl's gaze helplessly back towards her, "I think my chest almost burst back there..."

Carl's breathing, which had previously stabilized, returned to near-dangerous levels as he listened to that. How, he wondered, was it possible? How could he be having such a hard time? He wasn't... He wasn't... No! He didn't find her attractive! He couldn't!

So why couldn't he move?

"Oh, no!" Minerva exclaimed as she bent over in just such a way that the contours of her body were quite obvious to anyone looking at her from the side, as Carl was, and just to be safe, she let out one last, deep breath, as she looked down at her jogging sneakers to see that the laces on one had come undone.

Minerva seemed almost to pulse with that last breath, as Carl watched her lift her left leg up onto the bench and hold it there with her arms, tossing her head back, to get her mop of hair out of the way. As she did that, her perfect, golden locks seemed to be moving in slow motion, and Carl just stared at her, helpless to do anything else.

"Oh, this old lace is giving me so much trouble!" Minerva whined, drawing a gasp from Carl; his last, desperate attempt to continue drawing breath over the vision he was being paralyzed by.

"Oh!" Minerva said, putting one hand on her chest, as if she hadn't noticed him sitting there, then somehow, her gaze turned from a surprised look, back into a clever, calm and penetrating one, and she almost seemed to rotate in place on the bench, so that her sneaker was directly under the boy's nose, and it smelled like lilies in the spring. Carl was sweating profusely by that point.

"Hey, there, buddy." Minerva said, "Would you mind helping me tie up this lace? I just can't seem to get it to go through... all the way..."

Instantly, Carl's hair burst into flames, then the flames vanished, as a cloud of steam erupted from the top of his head with a sound like a train whistle, but Minerva persisted.

"Oh... please..." she said with a timid expression all over her face, in stark contrast to the obvious boldness of even making such a request, and Carl could feel something invisible grabbing hold of him from all sides, and drawing him towards the sneaker.

"Wh-why?" Carl asked in hesitation.

"Sorry?" Minerva asked back.

"Why do you want your sneaker on?" Carl said, unable to stop himself, "May I... see your foot?"

"Oh?" Minerva asked, once again, looking surprised, even as the feelings of attraction continued to increase geometrically within Carl, "But I only take my... shoes off... when there's a really tough guy I want to impress..." she cooed, "You obviously aren't interested in girls."

"N... Nn-n..." Carl stammered, but he couldn't keep it up anymore.

"YES!" Carl exclaimed, "For the love of Tex Avery, YES! I can't resist you! I... I just can't!"

"Then tie up my shoe..." Minerva replied, "and you might get something... good as a reward."

Hurrying as best he could, Carl reached for the shoelaces and began tying them together. He was so nervous, and seeing the laces at such an odd angle, that he had to try three or four times, and she giggled deliciously every time he had to start over, shattering more and more the inner determination he'd had only five minutes before. At last, he managed to tie the laces and although it nearly broke his heart, he finished it off with a double knot, and pulled it tight, causing Minerva to take another deep breath, as if the laces were being tied over her lungs, instead of her feet.

"That was really, really good." she said, inching closer to him, and soon she was kneeling up on the bench, to look down at his face. It didn't seem fair. He wasn't able to sit upright. He was really slumping in endless weakness, and he couldn't control himself. He felt so small and unworthy when he looked at her. His lower lip quivered in half-fear and half-longing as Minerva said "Sleep tight."

Then, running one hand over his shoulders, and the other over his chest, she kissed him on the forehead, and Carl was out like a light.

* * *

"Alright." Minerva said with a smile as she headed back towards the older woman hiding behind a nearby tree, "He's all yours. Enjoy."

"Oh, thank you!" the woman named Genevieve said, shaking Minerva's hand heartily, then handing her two twenty dollar bills, but Minerva just glanced at them once, and shook her head.

"No." she said, "This one I'm doing for free. This kid resisted me for almost a full second longer than most people his age can. He really needed my help. Besides, he gave me a double-knot."

Then, with those enigmatic parting words, Minerva Mink was off again, jogging back out of the city, to her home in the woods.

* * *

When Carl woke up not too much later, he found his mother Genevieve standing in front of him, with a satisfied-looking smile on her face.

"How do you feel?" she asked, raising one eyebrow in victory.

"Moth-mother..." Carl coughed, still trying to get his breathing back to normal, "That... th-that..."

Carl coughed once more and held up one hand, sputtering and gasping for almost sixty more seconds, and breathing heavily for almost thirty seconds after that, before he discovered that he could speak normally again.

"That was really, really low, mother."

His mother just smiled, then asked "Did it work?"

"Yeah." Carl replied, "Yeah, it worked. You were right mother. You were completely right. I'm really very much attracted to girls. I just didn't realize it. I'm... well... I guess I should probably be thanking you."

"No problem." Genevieve replied, helping her son back to his feet, "Now, let's get you back home and into something decent."

"Yeah." Carl said, his mind already filling with thoughts of model ships, fishing, sports and television programs, as well as, of course, beautiful women, "But I've got some calls to make on the way back."

* * *

Stephanie felt like kicking herself for ever having been interested in Carl. She should have seen the signs coming miles away. It wasn't like they weren't obvious. At one time, she'd thought his stoicism and bored attitude were just a sign of being cool, but then he'd stopped calling, as if he'd just lost the will to keep trying, and Stephanie knew what had happened to him, and cursed, in her mind, every judge, schoolteacher and politician who'd tried to say it was alright.

However, as she sat at home, at the kitchen table, sulking, the telephone rang, and Stephanie recognized the name on the caller ID immediately.

She practically leapt over the table and seized the receiver, holding it up to her left ear, then tried her best to sound cool and composed, while responding to the voice at the other end.

"Oh, hi. Yes. Yeah, I figured. No, I didn't know that... You what? You're kidding! Revelation? What revelation? You mean, you realized that you actually like..."

For a moment, Stephanie felt like bracing her fingers against the ceiling. Carl had come around! He'd decided that he really liked girls after all, and the first girl he'd thought of was her! Close to tears, she continued to speak into the phone.

"Yeah, I'm available. Thursday? Sounds good. Okay, see you then."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Hey, that was fun! On the next Minktales, however, it looks like I'm being rented out to the military, because there's a ticking time bomb somewhere in Manhattan, and we only have ten minutes to find out where it is. I just hope the poor enemy operative they managed to capture doesn't have a history of heart trouble. See you then!"


	38. Issue 38: Ten

Minktales

Issue 38

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Ten"

It was the sort of thing that was bound to happen eventually. When top-secret comes to mean "only for the eyes of a few people in high stations," establishing a proper method of guarding something becomes very difficult, and a highly trained military group can sometimes acquire the information they want, with only minor losses and a very good plan.

In the instance of the secret location of the electron attractor, it was a group of seven militant terrorists. Three fell in the attempt, and one was captured, but the others escaped with the device.

Although the government said nothing to the media upon hearing that the device was missing, they did speak to a secret military organization entitled "Sector 128C." Sector 128C had access to a number of very specialized, if sometimes less than humane methods of acquiring information about things vital to the safety to the American people, and there was one agent in particular who they always turned to when other agents failed. Agent Gene Sykes.

Gene had been set to the task of interrogating the captured militant for almost an hour, but up to that point, he'd learned only two things; the nature of the threat that faced them, and how much time they had left.

The item stolen was definitely the electron attractor; a prototype weapons system designed to create a field, that drew in all electrons over a one hundred mile radius with a delay timer of .03 seconds after it was activated. In other words, it quite literally disintegrated everything and everyone for a hundred miles, and the terrorists had put it somewhere in Manhattan, attached it to an activation timer, and set it to activate in thirty minutes.

At least, that had been the plan when it was discussed by the militants beforehand. There was more, of course. The precise placement of the bomb had, the man insisted, not been discussed, in case one of them was captured, and although Gene was sure he was lying, he'd used every threat, every pain, and every psychological trick he had to try to get the information out of him, and it wasn't working. They had thirty minutes to find what was, essentially, a bomb without heat, noise or concussive force, and they had no way of knowing precisely where in the city it was.

"What are we looking at here, Gene?" Sector 128C's head of staff; Manford Freecook asked.

"Manny, there's a bomb that's gonna go off in Manhattan in about thirty minutes." Gene said, "I know for a fact we can get anywhere in Manhattan in twenty minutes, tops, and that means we have about ten minutes to learn where, exactly, it is from this man, but he's not talking."

For a moment, Manford thought about it, then said, "You know, I think I may have one suggestion. There's a person who I think might be able to help us, but we'll have to brief her through locked doors. She's got a sort of unusual power, but... she can't turn it off."

"Yeah." Gene replied, "Why not? But remember; we've only got ten minutes."

"She'll be here in a minute and a half or less." Manford replied, opening his cell to make a call.

* * *

1:15

* * *

The locked iron box; six feet high, and two wide and thick, was carefully wheeled into the interrogation room, then unlocked as the attendant said to the box's inhabitant, "You can come out three seconds after I leave the room. From there, you have eight minutes to learn the bomb's location, and phone it to us on the cell we've provided you with, alright?"

The person inside knocked twice on the iron walls of the box, to imply that she understood her instructions.

"Alright." the attendant said, unlocking the box, and leaving the room as the captured enemy agent started to sweat, not having any idea what kind of vicious torture expert they would have brought in to interrogate him. He tried his best to steel himself against whatever might come, remembering the training he'd undergone to harden himself against all forms of physical and emotional stress. He'd faced feelings strong enough to break the bones of most men, and come through without a scratch on his own ability to present a realistic lie, and he began to feel reassured as he thought of those things. They might kill him, but defeat him? Never!

Then, however, the box swung open, and the figure inside emerged. At that very moment, the captured agent's confidence in his ability began to drain away. The walls he'd spent so long building around his heart, and the vital truth contained within were beginning to crumble, even as she stood there, smiling at him.

Then, slowly, Minerva Mink walked closer, every footstep gradual and deliberate.

* * *

1:24

* * *

"Hello." Minerva said as she got closer to the enemy agent, resting one hand on the table, and putting the other on the man's arm, sending shocks of passionate emotion through his mind, and putting distinct cracks in all his resistances, "There's something I need you... to help me with."

The poor man trembled as she spoke, the first several layers of his defenses fading under her touch. That man had clearly been training for several years, but in Minerva's hands, he must have felt small and vulnerable, and many other feelings that were spreading forth from his heart, which he'd once thought was as dead as dust, due to the suffering in the world. Still, the moment she'd appeared, his heart had opened wide, like a bottle being uncorked. He couldn't explain it, but he couldn't stop it either. He was terrified, but he couldn't fight himself!

* * *

2:45

* * *

"W-what?" the enemy agent asked in emotion and alarm.

"I've been looking for a top-secret military weapon." Minerva cooed, "I've looked everywhere, but they just aren't on the shelves. I heard you knew where I could find one, though, so..."

For several more seconds, the man remained silent...

* * *

3:50

* * *

Then, however, Minerva decided to start pulling out her secret weapons. She couldn't kiss the fellow, of course. That would render him unconscious for several hours. The trick was to push him just far enough to divulge the information, but not too far for the poor man's heart and nervous system. It was like a form of art, and Minerva was a master of that art.

"Alright." Minerva continued, "Let's talk about you. What do you want out of life?"

"At the moment," the man blurted out, experiencing his first serious gap in self control, "one thing only!"

"Oh!" Minerva exclaimed, putting one leg on the table, the man's tongue beginning to hang out as she did so, "I suppose you want to get to know me better, hmmm?"

"Y-mmm-nnn-mmm-YES!" the man finally exclaimed, "By all that lives, yes!"

"That'd be a bigger thing to swear by if you'd tell me where that weapon is I wanted..." Minerva said, and for a moment, the man felt himself an inch from shattering the remaining walls around his heart himself, and giving her the information she wanted, but as tattered as his defenses were becoming, they were still there, and Minerva removed her foot from the table, her smile never faltering.

* * *

6:36

* * *

"If you told me, I could take you to the drive-in." Minerva said, as he tried desperately, and failed miserably to think about how forbidden such desires were in his line of work, "We could hold hands for a while, if that's what you'd rather have... Or I could offer you something more... valuable."

"I will not be tempted by money!" the man thought, "I will not! I will hot! I she's... no! I can't! Gah!"

Minerva could see the wild desperation in the terrorist's eyes, as his defenses continued to fall away, leaving only one thick layer left, and she knew that she had to give it one more go.

* * *

7:48

* * *

"Of course, a guy like you probably wouldn't care about the small potatoes." Minerva said, leaning forward across the table to face him, so that her upper body's shape became distressingly obvious, "You're into big deals, and I can make you the biggest one ever. You tell me where I can find that little item I so desperately want, and in exchange..."

At that, Minerva Mink leaned over next to the man, and whispered into his ear. Instantly, his whole nervous system did a somersault.

"ALRIGHT!" he exclaimed, "It was to be planted in the north side room of the basement of the Jackson Office Buildings, behind the boiler! Now, please! You must keep your bargain!"

"Minerva Mink never lies." said the beautiful lady mink, as she leaned closer to his forehead, puckering up, "Nighty-night."

* * *

8:24

* * *

"So they got to the weapon in time and shut it down, huh?" one of the other inmates said, "All over a dame? Man, that's some story."

"No." the former terrorist replied, dressed in the same neon outfit as his fellow inmates, "Not a 'dame.' A beautiful messenger of heaven. You don't understand. You didn't spend all that time in a closed-off room with her. She... she... All my life, I was taught to look forward to a glorious reward when I fulfilled my mission, and fought for the cause, but for the first time in my life, I feel... that the best is behind me."

Then, he went back to eating his soup, and no one said another word about it.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Whoa! Well, that's about as much excitement as I'll be getting for a while, but on the next Minktales, it's a cartoon about my attempts to get an autograph from one of the greatest poets who ever lived. Can I get the autograph from him without ruining his latest masterpiece, or is the masterpiece he's really looking for an emotional experience? I'm not sure, but I hope to see you all there, when Minktales continues!"


	39. Issue 39: Much Ado About Minks

Minktales

Issue 39

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Much Ado About Minks"

The year was 1597, and the place; the house of a playwright and poet of some success and limited repute. There, in his study, a bare affair with only a few written sheets spread across the place for inspiration, the none-too-famous poet was attempting to write a new kind of play. However, trying anything new is never easy, particularly when it involves passion and romance...

"Gah!" the man exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Every time I get close to the right sentiments, they escape before I can set my quill to parchment!"

"Will!" came the voice of the man's wife through his study door, "Dinner!"

"Half a moment!" Will exclaimed, "The sentiment must be there. It must be!"

However, it had escaped him again, and so, William went to dinner, and as he rushed back to his study, to make a fresh attempt, in a different genre of playwriting, as so often happens in life, a fraction of a second made a world of difference. If Will had been a fraction of a second faster in reaching his study, his wife might have answered the door, and he might never have met... her.

However, as it was, there came a knock at his front door. It was a delicate, brief knock, though loud enough to get his attention, and so, relieved somewhat at being given a reprieve from the self-torture of attempting to write his play, Will opened the door, and found, on the other side...

…

Will froze in his tracks; his whole body seizing up like a cramp, but with delight instead of pain, at the very sight of the person he saw there. She was a mink with white fur and long, golden hair. She wore just enough makeup to draw out her existing beauty even more, though why she should bother, Will had no idea. She was the most beautiful creature that he had ever seen. Even more than his...

At once, Will slammed the door, and although he continued to hear her knocking for a short while, he dared not answer, for fear of the raw, irresistible attraction that radiated from her like light from a candle flame. Instead, Will returned, in a hurry, to his study, where he seated himself at his desk, locked the door behind him, turned to look out the window and screamed.

There was the mink. She'd crawled up on the windowsill of his study, and was beckoning him to come closer with one forefinger, and although he tried his hardest, Will found that he couldn't resist her. As hesitatingly as he could manage, Will stumbled to the window and opened it, and the mink leapt into his study with a smile on her face.

"That's better." she said, as he began to sweat profusely, his eyes growing, and his mouth hanging open, "Are you the famous playwright?"

"AyeayeayeI'm not s-so famous." Will replied.

"Don't be so modest!" the mink exclaimed, "Why, you're William Shakespeare! You wrote A 'Midsummer Night's Dream!' That was so funny! And 'A Comedy of Errors?' I couldn't stop laughing! You're a comedic genius! Can I have your autograph?"

As the mink said that, she held up a piece of parchment and a quill for him to sign with, but Shakespeare hesitated to get any closer to her, for fear of being even more attracted to her. It was bad enough that she'd managed to get into his house, but she showed no signs of leaving.

"I... I was trying to write a romantic tale..." Shakespeare said, more to remind himself, than to inform the mink.

"Oh, I'm sorry if I interrupted you." the mink replied, "My name is Minerva, and I... know a thing or two about romance, I suppose."

"Romance?" Shakespeare asked, "You know of romance? You, whose very presence... but I dare not speak in this way. Not to you."

"You speak your thoughts very well." Minerva replied, though she retained a tight hold on her quill and parchment, "Most people can't speak at all when I'm around. It tends to be a bit rough on them, even when I'm trying not to be too enticing..."

"Rough?" Shakespeare asked, "Love is rough to you? Then, have you been rough with love?"

"No." Minerva replied, "I take love kind of easy. Guys fall all over me wherever I go, so the hard part is usually wading through them."

"You knew I was a man!" Shakespeare replied, trying his best to continue looking away, "You knew of my vulnerability! Yet, you break through my window like the soft light of the eastern sun!"

"Well, I didn't mean any harm." Minerva insisted, "I'm not sure what to say. I am who I am."

"I did you no injury." Shakespeare continued, "I don't deserve this. Now, I love you more than you can ever know, and I can't do a blasted thing about it!"

"Just sign my autograph." Minerva implored, "Then I'll leave this place, and no longer be a burden to you."

"Oh, very well." Shakespeare replied, "What must be shall be."

Then, Shakespeare grabbed the parchment and quill, and as he did so, he felt his hand brush against the fur of Minerva's, and at once, a rush of passion more intense than anything he'd ever felt swept over him, and he realized the truth about writing romance, drama and anything else. It wasn't mere sentiment that one must search for, but the spirit and emotion behind the sentiment, and so much of that romantic spirit filled him then, that he felt he could write a hundred poems from them.

The intensity of the feelings, though, drew the strength from his back and neck, and he collapsed, face first onto his desk, drawing a gasp from Minerva.

However, that gasp was enough to rouse him, at least partially, and he said, "No... Do not mourn for me. I am only dazed."

Then, in a hurry, William Shakespeare signed his name on the parchment, using the ink of his own ink bottle, and handed it back to Minerva, careful not to touch her fur again.

However, as Minerva Mink turned to leave, Shakespeare looked deeply sad and abandoned, continuing to stare in her direction, and just as she was about to climb back out the window, he exclaimed "Wait!"

"What?" Minerva asked, turning back around.

"Is this it, then?" Shakespeare asked, "Will you leave me now, so unsatisfied?"

"Don't feel bad." Minerva replied, "When I leave, it'll be a sweet thing for you and your wife."

"Parting is also a sorrow." Shakespeare insisted.

"Oh, very well." Minerva said, getting back down off the windowsill, "You talked me into it."

In just a moment, taking the bard's head in her hands, Minerva said, "Good night. Good night. Pleasant dreams."

Then, as the emotions flooded Shakespeare's mind and heart, blinding his senses, and overwhelming his conscious thoughts just from her merest touch, Minerva Mink leaned forward, and kissed him on his forehead, and Shakespeare was out like a light. In only a second more, Minerva had climbed back up to the windowsill, and was gone, leaving the playwright sprawled out on the floor of his study.

* * *

Shakespeare slept for three hours, during which his every dream was of Minerva, and when he woke, his heart burned with a passion unfelt in years, and he immediately began to write. For hours he wrote, penning scene after passionate scene; the pain of a forbidden love, and yet, the delight of it, and the knots that bind together those who truly love each other, even depicting at last, in the end, the dreadful pain of two lovers parting, and the relationship that ends with eyes closed. Then, at last, he placed upon it a name.

"Romeo and Juliet; by William Shakespeare." he said as he finished his play, and knew for a fact that it was among the best works he'd made up to that point. Then, quickly, he unlocked the door to his study, and rushed out to announce his success to his wife...

* * *

Shakespeare's play was indeed a brilliant success! People came to see it regularly, and the number of people in that area of the world who knew his name nearly doubled as a result. Of course, he still wasn't truly famous yet, but it didn't make a bit of difference to him anymore. The fire of passion had been lit in his heart, and he had written something truly great. That, to him, was what really mattered.

Of course, other things had gone uphill for him recently as well. His wife, for instance, had noticed his fiery passion, and it had re-ignited the flame of their love for one another, bringing happiness to both their lives.

However, as Shakespeare left one of the more recent performances of his play a few months later, he was met outside the theater by a mysterious figure, hooded and cloaked.

"That wasn't bad," came the figure's all-too-familiar voice, "but it's too bad you're not doing comedies anymore."

Then, she strode back out of his life again, and William Shakespeare had mixed feelings about that. He loved the passion that she'd given to him so freely, and yet, he hoped never to see her again, for the sake of his wife, if nothing else.

The End.

* * *

Minerva: "The bard's work has inspired me in poetry, and in my work in comedy, but unfortunately, most of the poetry I've worked on recently has been about one thing... Regret over mistakes made in the past. Everyone makes mistakes. I know that all too well, and you can't take things back once they've been said. But is the damage done by past mistakes unfixable, or can a solution be found that works for everyone? Well, anyway, if any of this is interesting to you, join me in my personal quest for forgiveness on the next Minktales."


	40. Issue 40: Reunion Part 1

Minktales

Issue 40

"Reunion"

Part 1 of 2

Minerva Mink sat on the chair which maintained a permanent vigil in front of her vanity, but for once, didn't look up into its reflective surface at the gorgeous vision it revealed. She just couldn't bare it, and it was destroying her. Her hair was badly frizzed, her shoes sat off to one side of the room, unused for the last several days, and her face had almost no makeup. She wasn't even wearing lipstick, and she always wore lipstick.

The problem with Minerva's current situation was partly the revelation that her stunning, unnatural beauty had been the result of a wish that her mother had made to a genie. She'd always thought that her mother didn't care about her, and had treated her as such, ignoring both her, and her father as they'd fled from that house; her father to keep from being driven mad by his daughter's irresistible attractiveness, and her mother to accompany him.

Minerva hadn't given either of them a second thought at the time. To her, they'd been unsympathetic to her for her whole life, and her mother had chosen her father over her, though she could plainly have at least come to visit Minerva once in a while, but had definitely chosen not to. When it turned out that Minerva's assumptions about her mother had been wrong, and that her mother had given her the fruits of a genuine wish; one of the most generous gifts one person could give to another, she'd begun, not only to regret her actions toward her mother, but to look at her own beautiful face as a symbol of all she'd ever done wrong to her mother in her life. That meant trouble.

A new season of Emotionutty Cartoons with Minerva Mink was coming up, and Minerva had a movie to shoot in a week, on top of that. Although she had a feeling that her audience wouldn't mind if she looked a little disheveled, Minerva was starting to lose interest in everything, and that would be bad news for her career, for everybody she worked with, and really, for herself.

Then, however, she righted herself in her chair, no longer slumping over.

"I am Minerva Mink!" she exclaimed aloud, struggling to reassure herself, "I am the most beautiful creature on this continent! I will find a way to solve this problem!"

The exclamations, voiced aloud, seemed to bolster her determination, so she repeated them again, and it did help a little. Finally, Minerva had a purpose. Finally, she had a cause, and to someone who could make nearly all men do what she said, a cause was all that was needed. Many people drift through life, knowing in their hearts what they want to accomplish, but lacking the power to do so. Minerva Mink had had the opposite problem until just moments before.

"I have to find her." Minerva said aloud to herself, "I have to make things right."

So, Minerva Mink pulled several large, wooden boxes from underneath her bed, and began removing keepsakes. Old necklaces that were too big for her, bracelets she'd made when her wrists had been nearly twice the size they were, seashells and odd-shaped rocks she'd found when she'd just been a child, and at the very bottom of the third box, Minerva found a photograph of her family. Her mother, her father, and... Well, the third figure was bloated, freckled, and her fur was never one color more consistently than another... but that was what she'd looked like as a child.

Despite herself, Minerva shuddered, and placed a nearby post-it over the image of herself in the photograph, then put the photo inside her purse, and picked it up. She was going to go on one big mission, and at last, she knew just what it was.

* * *

Only three times before in her life had Minerva Mink been to city hall. Once to 'convince' them that it was alright for a person under eighteen to own a house and a car, once to petition for a decrease in the legal driver's license and voting ages, and once to rescue the mayor from a near-fatal heart attack he'd had. Fortunately, she'd been passing by an electronics store with televisions in the window, showing the mayor talking to the press when it had happened, and the store was within a block of city hall. She'd rushed forward, into the building as fast as she could, barged into the mayor's office, both of the people he'd hired as guards drooling like idiots on the floor, and had given him a big kiss.

The doctors weren't sure how it had happened, but when they'd examined the mayor later, it seemed that the problems that had led to his heart ailment had vanished completely, and his heart had somehow regained the strength of a twenty-five year old man's. Of course, that put the mayor in Minerva's debt, but she'd only needed to use it once, to call him up for favors when she'd been trying to obtain ownership of her property more recently. Long story short, Minerva Mink didn't go to city hall very often, but she knew her way around it.

"Yes, can I help you mi...mi...mi..." the young man at the front desk said, stuttering and convulsing slightly as soon as he laid eyes on Minerva. He knew who she was, of course. Most people in town did, but he still couldn't finish his sentence. It was a common problem Minerva faced. Guys always wanted her to lead off.

"Yes, you can." Minerva replied softly, "I'm looking for a woman named Angela Mink. What steps do I have to take to find her?"

"W-wowell," the boy tried to respond to her, but couldn't keep his rampaging emotions completely under control as he spoke, "D-does sh-she live in this t-town?"

"I think she might," Minerva replied lazily, "On the other hand, she might not. I doubt she'll have left the country, though."

"W-w-welWHOA! Whoawhoa!" the boy exclaimed, losing control completely for a few seconds, then calming down again, as Minerva took the precaution of moving back away from him a few feet, and the influence of her stunning good looks over his actions seemed to lessen.

"Well, you need an expert. Of course, much of this is highly frowned upon, but..."

At that, the boy pulled a file folder out of a drawer next to where he was sitting, nearly dropping it, as he handed it to her saying, "This is the guy you w-want to talk to about... about... abouWHOAYOU'REHOT!"

The boy's whole face seemed to turn red, as he realized what he'd just blurted out, and shrank back into his chair as Minerva looked over the folder.

"Yes..." she muttered, looking calmly over the file, but not looking at him at all, "I suppose I am, aren't I? Well, thank you for your time, Mister... Chet, is it?"

"Whyah..." Chet muttered, noticing with joy in his heart that she'd bothered to glance at his name tag, before leaving with the file he'd given her. Then, Chet practically melted right then and there.

* * *

A knock was heard on the door of Francis Blanchard, but he merely said "Go away. I'm off from work today."

Minerva frowned when she heard that. If he wasn't even going to glance at her, her chances of obtaining his help were slim, so she decided to trick the poor, unsuspecting man. Placing one finger under her nose to impersonate the voice of a male postal worker, she said, "Actually, you've got a package."

"Oh!" he exclaimed, and immediately, Minerva heard the sounds of latches being undone. Then the door swung open, and there, an overweight, dark-skinned man with black hair, wearing a brown shirt, red shorts and white sneakers stood. However, naturally, he seemed to be unable to speak or move the moment he laid eyes on Minerva.

"P-p-p-p-pa-pa-package?" he asked, a more nervous wreck than most people she met.

"Well, I did say you had one, didn't I?" Minerva said sweetly, as she brushed past him, into his apartment, "I'm sure I could find one in here if I... looked hard enough."

"Yah..." Francis muttered, buying every word helplessly, "Yah, okay. D-did you want somethi... some... OHMAN!"

"I'm running across all the impulsive guys today." Minerva muttered, as she looked around the apartment, to memorize the layout, then said, "I think I may need your help, though."

"Gah! Gahgah!" Francis exclaimed.

"Glad to." Minerva replied with a smile, "You see, I need to find someone named Angela Mink. She looks like the woman in this photograph, though she might well have tried to get her name changed."

Minerva dug the photograph out of her purse as she spoke, and Francis instantly swiped it from her hand, his whole body trembling for several seconds afterward, as he attempted to recover from even her lightest touch. At last, however, Minerva seemed to get the idea, and said "I'm just going to step right over here into the kitchen, so you can concentrate. If you can find Angela for me, it'll be worth... a big reward..."

For the five seconds in between when she made that remark and when she stepped into the kitchen, Francis couldn't breathe, but at last, he gasped aloud, and rushed to his computer, furiously punching keys. The job was ridiculously difficult, and should have taken hours, but he was motivated by love; real, unfiltered, and intense in its purest form, the most powerful emotional experience any creature has ever felt. In only thirty minutes, Francis had found a promising lead, and five minutes after that, he had a picture to match up to the one Minerva had given him. It was a driver's license photograph for a miss Lisa Milton.

"Is this her?" Francis asked, and immediately, he was sweating again, because Minerva was practically standing right over his shoulders, and besting, forward, over his head.

"That's her!" she exclaimed, "Where can I find her?"

Five minutes later, Minerva Mink left that apartment with a phone number, a street address, an e-mail address and a cell number. In exchange, Francis had experienced the greatest joy it is possible for a person to experience and still survive, and he probably wouldn't wake up for hours.

To be Continued...

* * *

Will Minerva find "Lisa Milton," and is she her long lost mother, Angela Mink? What will happen if she does find who she's looking for. Join us next issue for a very special family edition of Minktales.


	41. Issue 41: Reunion Part 2

Minktales

Issue 41

"Reunion"

Part 2 of 2

Lisa Milton heard her doorbell ring as she was making dinner, and carefully put the ham in to bake, then rinsed her hands, and dried them briefly with a towel before she went to answer the door. Lisa's husband Gary had recently sworn off television for good upon hearing about the success of their daughter, and so, he was instead reading a book about submarines in the den as his lovely wife prepared dinner. There were sports he'd wanted to know the outcome of, of course, but he could always find out in the paper the following morning during breakfast.

Fortunately, neither Lisa nor Gary wanted for money, and so their house was a nicely functional one. One of the first things Lisa had insisted upon when they'd moved in was that it have an entry hall with no stairs, which provided entrance into the other rooms of the house, only through opaque doors, so that way, when Lisa answered the door, Gary didn't have to know who she was talking to and vice versa. It was a good idea, of course, since they had the extra money they needed for it, and it proved most beneficial in that case, since the person standing on the other side of the door when Lisa opened it was the last person she would have wanted her husband to see. It was their daughter.

"M-minerva." Lisa whispered, then immediately exclaimed, in a hushed, but urgent tone, "Don't say a word! Not here!"

Minerva seemed to have been about to rush forward and embrace her long lost mother, but the urgency with which her mother spoke clearly indicated that a warm reunion would be premature.

"I'm in the middle of something." Lisa Milton said, "Dinner will be over at seven thirty. At that point, I'm going to tell Greg that I'm going out to do some shopping, and I'll head to the store down the street, to pick up some gum. Meet me outside, just across the street from that store."

Minerva was disappointed that a mother and her own daughter should have to go to such lengths just to have a talk, but she recognized her mother's willingness to go out of her way and nodded silently, then left a moment later.

* * *

Later that evening, Lisa did just what she'd said she was going to do and headed to the store to buy a pack of gum, then, she stepped back out of the store to find Minerva Mink trying to shake a group of three young, innocent gentlemen, who'd seen her while they themselves were leaving the store. Although Minerva saw her mother as she left the store, the men were very persistent, and she was in enough of a hurry to be rid of them by that point, that she merely said to them "Alright. You guys line up."

She'd done it before, when she really, really wanted to get rid of someone, and once or twice when she wanted to have the last word over someone else, or to reward members of a team who'd done a lot of work for her. It tended to fix all sorts of problems. The point was that pretty soon all three young men were out cold, and she was left alone with her mother.

"We should go somewhere alone." Lisa said as she walked up to Minerva, not really understanding what she'd just seen, and in moments, they were sitting down on a park bench, in perhaps the most lonely section of town at that time of the evening; the town common.

"So..." Lisa asked, "You came to settle things with me."

"Mother..." Minerva said, "I didn't just come here to thank you for all you did for me or to apologize for how I behaved towards you, or for waiting so long before seeing you again. I... Well, I suppose..."

"We can't be a family again." Lisa interrupted, "At least, not like we used to be."

"I know," Minerva admitted sadly, "Reversing the wish you made... isn't really something I want anyway. I'm... Well, I'm on top of the world, mother. That's how beautiful I am. It's how beautiful you made me."

As she'd said those things, however, Lisa's mouth had fallen open.

"You knew!" Lisa, formerly Angela exclaimed, "How could you have known?"

"I... have a friend who's good at picking up clues." Minerva replied, "She figured it out."

"I see." Lisa admitted, still impressed and surprised, but no longer showing open shock, "When I made that wish, I guess I sort of thought it would fix our family... I... Well, I wanted you to be happy."

"I am happy, mother. At least, I am now." Minerva said, giving her mother a big hug as they sat on that park bench together.

When they finally broke away, Lisa was smiling. There was still some sadness in her eyes, but it was plain that there was joy there too. She could tell that Minerva was being honest. She was that rare kind of person who loved the attention and positive feelings attendant to supernatural beauty, and though she sometimes wished for a more reliable companion, she was happy. Lisa could see that, and it made her happy too, to see that her daughter was reaping more than just loneliness from the wish she'd so hastily made.

"So what now?" Minerva asked.

"I guess we go back to our own homes." Lisa suggested, "Then we just continue living."

"I don't know." Minerva said sadly, "Even despite... well... despite this thing inside me... Don't you think I might be able to... Maybe organize some holiday gatherings. I promise to wear my robes."

"Robes?" Lisa asked.

"Sure." Minerva replied, "Whenever I want to meet somebody, and I don't want them falling instantly in love with me, I put on long, dark robes that cover my face and hands. It's... Well, it's pretty much the only way I can control my... love factor."

"Love factor." Lisa said to herself, closing her eyes and smiling, "That's funny."

"Well, it's true." Minerva muttered.

"I know dear; I know." Lisa said, trying to reassure her, "It's just that when you say it like that, you make it sound like a superhuman pow..."

Lisa trailed off without finishing her sentence at that point, however, because something had just occurred to her. A moment later, though, she asked her question outright.

"It's not, is it? I mean, people love you because you're beautiful, right?"

"The truth is," Minerva replied, "I really can't tell anymore. Most men who look at me just start going crazy with bug-eyes and open mouths, and can't describe the reason why. I just don't question it. I guess that past a certain point, most abilities seem like superhuman powers."

"So if you wear robes, so people can't see you, you seriously don't have to worry about... stealing the hearts of... everybody?" Lisa asked, her methods of speech somewhat similar to Minerva's own, though her long, black hair and plain blue eye-color could hardly be compared to Minerva's perfect golden locks and deep, penetrating eyes.

"Yeah..." Minerva said, "I guess I don't start trapping people in my love factor until they actually look at me, or touch me."

"So, no handshakes." Lisa noted.

"Unless I wear gloves." Minerva replied, "I could, you know. I still don't think we could live together anymore. I don't think I could bring myself to wear those robes every day. I'm too used to letting people gawk at me around the city. I... Well, it's fun, mother. It's weird, but that's what it is, and... Well, I guess... I mean, like I said, I couldn't keep it up day after day, but for special gatherings, I think I could dress for the occasion..."

"As for the rest," Minerva continued, "I think I could get in touch with you more often. I could call you every so often, or if you'd rather, I could write letters."

"That's a wonderful idea." Lisa replied, embracing her daughter again with a broad, genuine smile, "You know, in spite of all that's happened; all the trouble I've had to face just to meet with you today, Minerva, it's been one of the best days of my life."

"Even considering the way I treated you the last time I saw you..." Minerva gasped, getting very emotional by that point, "You never stopped caring about me."

"Never." Lisa said, "I'm still your mother, and you're still my daughter. I couldn't stop loving you, even if I wanted to."

* * *

So, Minerva's reunion with her mother went about as well as could be expected, and although she may not have been able to really, as they say, 'go home again,' she did manage to get what it was that, deep in her heart, she'd really wanted from that trip to her mother's house.

In the old days, whenever Minerva Mink had thought of her mother, it had been with disappointment. More recently, she'd seen in her mother a reflection of her own worst mistakes, but from that point on, Minerva's thoughts of her mother were thoughts of that first meeting, as a woman who, though she'd needed to be on her guard, was still looking for ways to spend time with her little girl, and also thoughts of the future; that beautiful future that awaited her with a real family. Minerva Mink couldn't wait for Thanksgiving Day.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "You know I hardly ever kiss a person on the lips, unless they're dying and need to be resuscitated, but in the next issue of Minktales, I'm working hard on my upcoming movie, and I'm called upon to kiss a person as passionately as I can. Of course, that's impossible, so a dummy is used as a stand-in, but is this dummy all it seems, or is my greatest kiss ever more potent than I think? Next time on Minktales, it's a Great Big Kiss, and I hope you want to see it as much as I do."


	42. Issue 42: Great Big Kiss

Minktales

Issue 42

"Great Big Kiss"

Benjamin Hardy had been sitting in the booth, toying with his food for several minutes. Truthfully, he'd really had no intention of eating any, but he'd had to get something. His date was late in arriving, and he could only loiter for so long without ordering anything. Still, she was the woman he loved. He would have waited months for her.

Fortunately, though, he didn't have to wait months. As she arrived through the front door, the eyes of every man in the place, including the waiters and those already on dates, turned to face her and couldn't look away. She was the object of affection for the vast majority of the men who knew her, and the only person Ben felt he had ever really loved, or could love, from that point on.

She'd arrived in a long, pink dress that concealed the shape of her legs down to the ankles, and screamed 'look at me. I'm delicate," but being able to see her arms to up past the elbows, and of course, her face were plenty good enough. Ben could hardly control himself at the sight.

"I'm glad you're still here." Minerva said in slow, sultry tones, "I know I'm dreadfully late."

"I'd wait for you forever." Ben replied, meaning every word, and unable to look away from her large, deep eyes.

"For me?" Minerva asked, looking surprised, "Am I really so special?"

"You're all that's beautiful in the world, and the moon and stars," Ben replied, "all gathered into one single person. I could never love another woman, having been in love with you."

"I'm not so beautiful." Minerva muttered, "There are others. Why was it me you came to?"

"You drew me as no one ever has." Ben replied passionately, "I can't explain it. It's something that draws a person forward, and it's the only force stronger than gravity and time. You could draw me in like a black hole, I think, if you wanted to."

"I can't explain it either." Minerva replied, "Just kiss me and let's get out of here, away from... the eyes of others."

"There's nothi- There's nothing I want mo..." Ben stuttered, with the words catching in his throat. Before, he could have recited them like poetry, since they were the same as the words that resonated in his heart as he'd sat next to her, but having been invited to kiss Minerva Mink, how could he continue speaking such lines? How could he hold himself back any longer?

"OH, BABY!" he exclaimed, then leaned forward in a hurry, trying to seize the proffered kiss. Minerva, however, saw what he was doing, and gave him a short peck on the forehead, causing him to collapse forward onto her in a dead faint, which in turn, caused him to convulse even more, until she pushed him back into his seat, and he was mostly still.

"Cut!" Minerva exclaimed.

* * *

The lights went down, but the other inhabitants of the restaurant couldn't stop staring, as Minerva stepped off the set and over to the camera crew and director; a man named Jenson. All of them were wearing mink-proof spectacles given to them by Newt, and so, they found that they had a simple time talking to her, despite her stunning appearance.

"Can we edit around that last non-line, Jensen?" Minerva asked as she strutted over to a table at the side of the set, and poured herself a drink of water.

"Huh? Yeah, sure." Jenson replied, "Those lines you did were absolutely beautiful. The rest we can cut around with the boys in the editing room, but we do have to finish the scene with the stunt dummy."

"Oh, very well." Minerva Mink responded, feeling that it was the first time that anyone had used a stunt dummy in a close-up scene, but in that case, they really had no choice. Minerva Mink's lips had been the bringer of life and nearly death on more than one occasion, when she'd planted them on the lips of another. For her to attempt to actually kiss a living person just for a movie would have been a risky gamble at best.

Pretty soon, the prop guys had carried the actor playing Ben (Maurice by name) away on a stretcher, and the stunt dummy was set in place, then Minerva carefully, gracefully put her glass back down, and slid back into the booth, parallel to the dummy.

"And... action!" Jenson exclaimed.

* * *

As he said that, the dummy lurched forward, but Minerva knew it was just being moved at the waist by remote, so she wasn't surprised, and reacted to it as the script dictated, seizing it by the head in both hands and kissing it right on the lips with all her might, moving both elbows up and down as the dummy stayed in place, and her head tilting back one way, then the next. Through it all, the reasonable replica of Maurice's face remained perfectly still, as her lips slid across its lips. For ten seconds, the kiss continued, until Minerva began to feel the dummy trembling in her hands, and looked in Jenson's direction. Still, Jenson was on his feet by that point himself, yelling "Cut! Cut! Cut!"

The dummy, however, continued to tremble as Minerva slowly backed away from it, then in only a moment more, it exploded into a hundred thousand tiny fragments of ash, each glowing blue, green, red, or purple like fireworks as they surrounded Minerva Mink in the shape of hearts and lips, and by that point, even Minerva had found herself in territory she wasn't familiar with. Her extremely stylish outfit was all covered in ash.

* * *

"What was that?" Jenson roared, clearly furious, "The set's filthy now! Half this stuff's got burn marks on it! We'll have to replace it!"

"Was the kiss any good?" Minerva asked, hoping for the best.

"We can use it if we do some editing." Jenson replied to her question, "But that's not the point. This isn't an all-cartoon comedy picture, Minerva. You don't have to make everything in sight explode!"

"I swear, I've never seen that happen to me before!" Minerva exclaimed, holding up one hand to make her vow, though she knew he couldn't see her distinctly through his specks, "This is a first time for me too."

"Did somebody put fireworks in the dummy?" Jenson asked, "If you did, step up here right now and admit it, and I might find it in my heart to not fire you. Anyone? No one. Wonderful. So how'd it happen?"

Minerva, Jenson and everyone else on set was silent for a while, before Minerva really thought of any possible explanations.

"Maybe..." Minerva muttered, drawing Jenson's attention, "I mean, it's kind of out there, even for me, but... I've never kissed anything this passionately before. Maybe..."

"I'd tell you not to be silly," Jenson said, looking sadly at Minerva, "But you're a toon, so it's a little inevitable. Still, I'm not sure I buy the 'I can make things explode with a passionate-enough kiss' explana..."

"Thanks." came the voice of Maurice from nearby, and Minerva's mouth fell open, and stayed that was for several minutes as Maurice stepped back on set, wearing mink-proof goggles, and looking refreshed and happy.

"I don't believe it!" Minerva said, "You're awake! No guy ever gets back up in less than an hour after I kiss them! It's unheard of!"

"You want to hear something weirder?" Maurice asked in astonishment, "I just had this crazy dream. I dreamed I was sitting in the booth again, only I couldn't move, except at the waste, so naturally, I moved forward to kiss Minerva, right? Well, she hit me with the most intense, passionate kiss I've ever seen anyone give, then all of a sudden, I was awake again. It was amazing!"

"When did you wake up?" Jenson asked curiously.

"About a minute and a half ago." Maurice replied, "Isn't that wild?"

Jenson froze as Maurice said that, looking dumbfounded. A moment later, though, he turned to Minerva and said "The scene's alright, and I won't expect reimbursement for any of this. I'm sure the producer will be happy to foot the bill."

Minerva Mink continued to stand in one place, still covered in ashes as the other cast and crew packed up their things and left, not bothering to put a tarp over the ruined set, the way they would have for a new one, and soon, Minerva and Maurice were the only ones still there, each looking in the direction of the other, but seeing nothing, though for different reasons.

"That was insane." Minerva said at last, nearly a half hour after the kiss itself had actually taken place.

"Totally." Maurice agreed.

"Will I see you on the set tomorrow?" Minerva asked as Maurice seemed about to stand up.

"Of course." he said, "I wouldn't miss this gig for the world, especially now, after..."

He trailed off for a moment, then gathered up his things, though he left his glasses on as he headed past Minerva towards the doorway out.

"You were a good kisser, for a lifeless dummy." Minerva muttered as Maurice passed her on her left, and she got a chuckle out of him in response.

"From you, that's no meager compliment." he said, "Minerva Mink, you're the best kisser in the world, and that was the single best kiss in the history of mankind. I'm going to tell my grandkids about this someday, though they'll probably think it's gross."

Then, Maurice left the studio, and after spending only a few moments more in thought, Minerva Mink followed.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "I have to say, that little experience is going to stick with me for a while... Or will it? Next time on Minktales, there's a weird fortune teller who's told me I only have less than a day to live, and it looks like her predictions are starting to come true. Can I survive as the wheels of fate turn against me? Who will my killer be, and why? I hope you'll... Heck, I hope there'll be an issue after next..."


	43. Issue 43: Yet to Come

Minktales

Issue 43

"Yet to Come"

Minerva Mink was wearing a short pink dress that left both arms and most of her legs bare. It was among her favorite styles, though she found that she could make longer, and even poofy hoop skirts look attractive, so long as they were on her. It was one of the many afternoons when she'd gone into town, involuntarily causing traffic to stop and pedestrians to drool on the sidewalk as she'd headed for the mall. Business in the areas she'd passed by had slowed to a crawl until she was out of sight, then the whole thing happened again later in the evening as she headed back home.

However, Minerva Mink's supernatural ability to charm the pants off almost any guy without even trying did have range limits, and no girl had ever been distracted by her in the least, except perhaps when their boyfriends temporarily stopped paying attention to them as Minerva passed them by.

It was, therefore, a surprise to see a woman dressed in a long, blue robe staring at Minerva from a nearby alley, as she passed by as if she'd just seen a ghost.

"Something I can help you with?" Minerva asked, as the woman tried to pretend she hadn't been staring.

"You have one of the most complex futures I've ever seen." the woman said.

"Futures?" Minerva asked, giving the woman a slightly bemused expression, "You must be joking."

"I rarely tell jokes." the woman replied, "I am Yetta Lindblum, and whenever I look into a person's eyes, I see a part of their future. Your future is among the most complicated that I've ever looked upon, but that needn't mean that it will last for a long time."

"I don't believe in your superstitious, mumbo jumbo stuff." Minerva replied coldly, "Even if I did, the future can work itself out for me. It always does."

"If you don't believe, then perhaps I should tell you that tonight, you will go back to your house in the woods. It's made from a log with pink... no, red. Red window shades. You just put them up this morning." Yetta stated, "There, you will try to forget what I've told you, and attempt to distract yourself from its inevitability by trying to be unpredictable. After that, you'll meet a short, thin person in a tie who will take you out into the woods to talk and watch the moonlight. The man will then reveal that he is a tall, stocky person. He will approach you closely, and you will die shortly after that."

The moment Yetta was finished speaking, Minerva's mouth hung open and for a moment, she couldn't say a word. At last, however, she asked "How did you know I had red window shades?"

"This is most serious." Yetta said, "This very evening, after the sun has set, you will be killed by a tall, stocky man in a tie. I wish I had not foreseen that. It is inevitable, I fear."

"I still say it's nonsense" Minerva remarked, "and you're a creep for spying on my new window shades like that."

"There is more." Yetta continued, looking sad as she spoke, "A short while after you arrive home, a vase you liked very much will break. Then, the mailman will arrive, and deliver you a letter from a lab assistant who is more than he appears. In moments after that, you will be in a shower. That is when you will remember most sharply my predictions, and begin to distract yourself from them."

"Man, you've got a lot to learn about being a fortune teller." Minerva said with a smile, "You're being way too specific. There's no way all that stuff could really happen. Well, anyway, it's been a laugh. I'll see you."

"Will you?" Yetta asked, as Minerva walked off.

* * *

Pretty soon, Minerva was back home, at her log house in the woods, looking happily around at her bright red window blinds, and wondering briefly if she shouldn't get purple ones instead, but a moment later, she moved over to her bedroom, and retrieved a magazine about hair lotion, to begin sifting through it. The problem was, she'd already read most of it before, and was starting to find it boring. She wondered briefly if she shouldn't give Larry a call, to find out when her next shoot would be, but decided instead to give the poor guy a much-needed break, and just start making dinner.

Minerva shuffled rapidly into the kitchen, then opened the window to get some air in, and started pulling out apples, beef and bread, when she noticed, out of the corner of her eyes, that a glass vase of hers, which she put flowers in every so often, picked and arranged out of the many her adoring fans sent to her, was at the very edge of the kitchen table, and realized that she must have accidentally dragged it there with her tail when she'd passed by. As she watched, the vase trembled, then began to tip over, and Minerva dove forward onto the floor to catch it just in time, before it had been about to shatter on the ceramic tile.

"Phew." Minerva remarked in relief, "Almost lost a good vase there. I just hope that doesn't happen again."

However, just as Minerva was getting up off the floor again, she heard one of the loudest, shrillest whistles she'd ever heard, and spun around to find its source; a large, apparently-male blackbird seated on her windowsill, as the vase exploded in her hands from the pitch of the whistle.

Angrily, Minerva slammed the windowsill closed, getting the bird's feet caught in it for a a moment, but it eventually managed to get loose and fly off, as she pulled out a dustpan and brush, and started gathering up the broken glass. It was only then that she recalled the predictions of Yetta that very day.

"A short while after you arrive home, a vase you liked very much will break."

Minerva shivered as she thought of the chances of the prediction being connected with what had actually happened, but she finished cleaning up the broken glass and mopping up the water and flowers that had spilled as well. Before too long, everything was clean again.

"Now I just have to avoid any letters from lab assistants and short, skinny men." Minerva remarked to herself jokingly, but almost the very moment she said that, she heard the sound of her mailbox being closed by her mailman Reggie, and quickly popped her head outside. She and Reggie both screamed simultaneously as she did that. He screamed because he hadn't expected her to appear like that, her face only an inch or two from his, and the effect of her irresistible charm was magnified by her close proximity, but she'd screamed because she hadn't gotten any fan mail that day. No bills either. Also, no magazines or checks from Emotionutty. All she had was one letter that had "To Minerva Mink" written very badly on the front of the envelope.

"Gah-gah-Gahgugah..." Reggie stammered, collapsing backwards onto the ground, and hurting his head as Minerva seized the letter from the mailbox, tore it open and read aloud.

"Dear Minerva Mink. Narf. I haven't seen you in a while. Please come visit Brain and me soon. We haven't taken over the world yet, but we did make some lovely cheese balls the other day. Troz. I'm sure Brain would be happy to see you again. Pinky."

The letter fell from Minerva Mink's hands as she finished reading the signature on the paper. She and Pinky had been trading letters for quite a while, and although Pinky couldn't write very well, and his spelling was atrocious, Minerva thought it was cute when he tried to anyway. Still, that latest letter wasn't cute at all; almost strictly because of what it meant. Pinky lived in a laboratory, and assisted his friend the Brain, and he looked like just an ordinary mouse, but he could walk upright, talk and hold a pencil, so it was clear that he was precisely who Yetta had been referring to. The chances of the vase breaking, despite Minerva's best efforts to prevent it had been slim, but that letter just wasn't natural.

Close to panicking, Minerva ducked back into her house and slammed the door shut behind her, then she was about to head for the bathroom to try to wash off, before she remembered the other part of Yetta's prediction.

"In moments after that, you will be in a shower."

"Ah-ha!" Minerva thought with a smile, "So it's not inevitable! I just have to stay out of the shower until tomorrow, and I can break this whole, stupid curse!"

Then Minerva pushed open her front door, and stepped outside into a rainstorm.

For a moment, Minerva Mink felt like crying, then like screaming, and that was just because she was drenched. As she realized what the rain meant, however, her feelings of embarrassment and anger vanished to make room for mortal terror.

"A shower." She said aloud as the sudden rain started slowly clearing up, "Not THE shower."

Immediately, Minerva ducked back into her house and began rushing to take down her window shades, and put a new, ceramic vase in place of the old one. She even wound up taking a real shower before she heard her doorbell ring.

"Whatwhat? Whoisitwhat?" Minerva asked, and in a moment, opened the door carefully, looking outside to find Wilford there, in his bow tie and long, baggy pants with suspenders.

"Minerva?" Wilford asked in the nasally voice that his smaller form always had, "Didn't we have a date tonight?"

Minerva had been waiting for a man in a tie to show up, but Wilford was just about the last person she'd expected, for some reason. She knew he transformed under the light of the full moon into a much taller, stockier werewolf form, with large muscles and long hair, and she also knew that that night was a full moon night. She'd marked it on her calendar. The very idea, however, of Wilford killing her had never crossed her mind. Physically, he was capable of it, as Wilford was, in his transformed state, partially-immune to her unnatural charm, though he did still find her very attractive, and he loved her very much in both forms. She just couldn't picture him ever seriously hurting her.

"I may as well go with him tonight." she thought to herself, a million reasons and counter-reasons swirling in her head, "He's so dreamy in werewolf form that even if I do die in his arms, it probably won't be so bad."

"Yes. Yes, a date." Minerva said aloud at last, trying her best to smile at the slim, hunched, bespectacled wolf, "Did you plan on going anyplace in particular?"

"It's been a while," Wilford said, "So I thought we might go sit by the ledge overlooking the pond with the woods all around us from the back and sides, just like when you first told me you wanted another date."

"That magical moment in the woods." Minerva remembered happily, "In a place where we can watch the moonlight. I think it's a good night to... go on a date."

Minerva Mink kept up her smile as she left the house with Wilford, though they remained at arm's length for much of the walk, until they reached the overlook and sat down on a large log about three yards apart, watching the sky, as dusk turned to evening, and evening to night. When the rain clouds vanished over the horizon, and the full moon was visible, Wilford began his transformation.

Both suspenders slid from his shoulders and down his arms, as Wilford's legs expanded to fill the baggy pants he wore. His arms and chest also grew to an enormous size, rippling with powerful werewolf muscles, and his teeth and nails sharpened noticeably, which was probably something that only normally-carnivorous animals like Minerva found attractive. His hair grew out from that one little tuft it had once been, into a long, flowing mane as he removed his spectacles, and the Clark Kent of Wilford B. Wolf had metamorphosed, just like that, into a fantastic Superman!

Minerva was just about to jump into his arms as she often did, but Wilford held both large, powerful hands up as he looked at her; encouraging her to stay back at first.

"Just a moment, my darling." he said, "This time, I come to you."

Then, the absolutely hunky Wilford moved towards Minerva, bent close over her, and kissed her right on the lips.

It was a light kiss; just a little brush, really, but the moment Wilford did it, Minerva's whole head seemed to start expanding like a balloon, and almost immediately after that, it exploded into a monstrous fireworks display that filled the night sky. When the display was finished, a new head popped up, out of Minerva's neck like a pez candy, and that was when she fell backwards off the log, her eyes closed.

Minerva Mink wasn't breathing.

For a moment, Wilford dared not take a breath himself, as he rushed forward to check on her, taking her pulse, which felt perfectly still, and positioning his hand over her mouth, to try to detect even the slightest breath. Nothing.

"No! No, no, no!" Wilford exclaimed, and in one last effort, brought both mighty hands down on Minerva's torso in a swift, pounding motion, causing her eyes to shoot wide open again, and then, she was in mid-air, floating towards Wilford happily on a bed of bright, red hearts that had emerged from her head moments ago.

"Oh, thank goodness you're alright!" Wilford exclaimed, causing Minerva to fall to the ground again, her airborne bed of hearts evaporating.

"Hey!" Minerva exclaimed, "I am alright, now that you mention it! I'm not dead!"

"Well, no." Wilford replied, "But you did give me a scare there, for a second. I couldn't even feel your pulse. How'd you do that?"

"I... I..." Minerva stuttered, realizing in that moment just what had happened, and finally, she smiled in relief.

"Kiss me on the forehead next time, Wilford dear." Minerva just said at last, "I can tell you're new at this..."

Then, Minerva Mink prepared for one of the best dates she'd ever had.

* * *

The following day, Yetta Lindblum was setting up her fortune telling booth near the outskirts of the city, when she saw one person she'd never expected to see again, accompanied by two large, burly-looking, but clearly very lovestruck men.

"This is her." Minerva Mink said to the two men, gesturing to Yetta with a flourish, "Just let me get out of your way."

Minerva pranced happily away for a few yards, until three buildings blocked her view of Yetta Lindblum, and a moment later, she could hear the sounds of a very loud struggle, and the two big guys returned to her, each receiving a kiss on the forehead, and a nap of several hours on the sidewalk as their reward. Then, Minerva returned to Yetta, who looked a little roughed-up. Her clothes were disheveled, and her hair was a wreck, plus her crystal ball had been knocked off its base, a great distance away.

"W-what?" Yetta asked; furious, but clearly in no position to retaliate, "Just because I was wrong? Just because you're still alive?"

"I'm not really all that angry with you, Yetta. You put me through a lot of unnecessary fear, and I'm upset by that, but if I was really upset, I would have approached your boyfriend Carl; not you."

"No!" Yetta exclaimed, "You stay away from Carl!"

"Sure I will." Minerva replied, "But in exchange, I want you to listen to my little fortune here. You are going to pack all this junk up and head right on home, and either give up fortune telling for good, or practice, and practice, and practice until you get it right. Lots of people die and come back, Yetta. I see it all the time. Don't go blowing the reaper's horn anymore, unless you've researched it better than that."

Then Minerva walked off, and had an absolutely wonderful day, and as for Yetta... Well, she never told another person's future again as long as she lived.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "I have a lot of friends, of course, but you don't hear much about them these days. Still, in the next issue, Annette is back. I haven't seen her since issue four, but it seems like, as she invites me and my other friends to have tea and snacks, and talk about things, she's suffering feelings of deep inadequacy. I mean, Annette's no genius, but she's got a good feel for fashion and organizing parties. I don't see why she's so upset that she's not an entertainment expert like Genevieve, or a clue-hunter like Trudy. Still, she doesn't realize that our tea party is about to come under attack. How will we escape, and will Annette's problems be solved? That's all in the next issue of Minktales, so don't miss it!"


	44. Issue 44: Annette's Tea Party

Minktales

Issue 44

"Annette's Tea Party"

"...So I told him if he really wanted us to be good friends, he could start by looking into my eyes." Annette said as she poured a cup of hot tea for Trudy, "Believe it or not, the poor guy did, and he was so stunned, that he practically fell over."

All three girls laughed as they heard that. Guys tended to underestimate the sense of intimacy that a look directly into the eyes produced.

"So how was 'Larry Chimney and the Last Gourd?'" Trudy asked Annette, much to her surprise.

"I... How did you know I went to see that movie?" Annette asked, totally flabbergasted.

"Huh?" Trudy asked, "I'm sorry. I thought it was supposed to be public knowledge."

"Well, I don't mind," Annette replied, "I'm just a little confused."

"Oh." Trudy remarked, then answered Annette's question, "It was the ticket stub. You still have it sticking halfway out of the trash can right next to the kitchen doorway, where anybody could see it. How was the movie?"

"Eh..." Annette replied, "It wasn't as interesting as the others. I never get tired of watching you do that, though, Trudy."

"Huh? Do what?" Trudy asked.

"Figure things out nobody else could know." Annette said, "Then make it sound all sensible when you've done it. That's really cool."

"No, it's... it's nothing." Trudy replied, feeling put on the spot, "Genevieve, you read the books. Did you see the movie yet?"

"Naw." Genevieve replied, "I kind of only read the books, because movies... tend not to be as good. I saw the third movie, for instance, and I was real disappointed. That 'goblin lord' looked like a skinny little duck with claws and fangs."

Trudy nodded in agreement, then turned back to face Annette, only to find that she was gone. Annette had vanished into the next room.

As they waited for Annette to get back from whatever she'd got up to do, Trudy and Genevieve continued talking. Annette, however, hadn't left because she was busy, exactly. She'd gotten up because she was starting to feel uncomfortable. Trudy was a genius in figuring out other people's secrets, and Genevieve could compare pretty much anything in the entertainment world to anything else, and whenever they talked big in those areas of expertise that they had, it only reminded Annette that she really didn't have any expertise in anything. Acting, looking popular, and thus becoming popular were pretty much the only things she was any good at, which was why she'd made such wonderful friends, but when she looked at them from a distance, they looked, to her, very different from the people they were in person.

Trudy looked, to Annette, like a brown-furred mink with long, brown hair, in a blue dress that reached down a little past her knees, and blue shoes to match. She also wore a gold-colored watch. Genevieve was a white-furred mink with a short mop of black hair that hung down at neck-length, wearing pink powder on her face, a bright red cartoon lipstick on her lips, and a pair of red shorts with a pink short-sleeved shirt, and red shoes with heels. Both were very beautiful, and so was Annette, even in the leaf-green dress she'd worn that day (which she thought was probably one of her least attractive-looking,) and with her red hair done in back, into a single ponytail, which made her look, she thought, like a housewife from some angles.

The problem was that when one got closer to any of those minks, one found keen intelligence in at least one area. Even Minerva Mink, who arrived only a moment later as Annette watched the table from the other room, had expertise in certain areas, and was generally considered by her friends to be clever, but Annette... Annette had no talents. She had no specialties, and she certainly wasn't a genius. On the outside, she was beautiful, and most of the time, that was good enough for her, but sometimes, spending time talking with her best friends drove her painful weaknesses home.

When Annette had been thinking like that for about five minutes, however, she decided the time had come to shake it off and get back to her party, so she quickly grabbed some milk and a small, covered pitcher of water from the refrigerator, to provide herself with a much-needed excuse for being gone so long, then moved back to the table.

Almost as soon as Annette sat down, however, to the pleasant greetings of Minerva and Genevieve, and put the milk and water down on the table, Trudy leaned over and whispered, "Don't beat yourself up, Annette. It's not your fault, and we don't think any less of you."

Annette got back up within ten seconds of having sat down, and made for the bathroom to lament her shortcomings a little more, as Trudy put her own face in her hands, just as it occurred to her that she'd used her talent for learning secrets again without realizing it.

* * *

"There she is again." a figure watching from outside chortled to himself, "She's finally in there with the others. Alright, now I can start phase one of the plan; the milk. Minerva and Trudy will want some with their tea. Genevieve won't. That's where phase 2 comes in."

Quickly, the figure pulled a small, handheld device from its pockets, and began working the levers and buttons on it, using it to send out microscopic pulses of power that would move things in the house according to the figure's careful plan.

* * *

Annette sighed as she looked for minute after minute into the bathroom mirror, seeing no glimmer of a brilliant leap of logic, or tremendous memory in her eyes. She learned slowly, she picked things up with difficulty and she was normal in every way. She wasn't really very special at all. Just then, however, the lights in the bathroom went out, and something hard fell on Annette's head, knocking her unconscious on the bathroom floor.

* * *

Minerva and Trudy had added the milk to their tea as predicted, and soon, were starting to get groggy. Genevieve noticed that, but she wasn't getting tired at all, and didn't think there was anything unnatural about it, until both collapsed forward, onto the table.

The figure watching from the shadows smiled, pushing another button on his remote, then watched as a spoon across the room inched its way into a bowl of walnuts and shot upward, flinging a walnut into the air at Genevieve's head.

Newt dared not remove his protective glasses, or risk being exposed to the radiant charm of Minerva Mink, but he had her unconscious, and Trudy, and Annette. In a split second, the walnut would knock Genevieve unconscious as well, and then he could get four minks in a trap originally set for only one.

However, at that moment, something happened that Newt couldn't have predicted.

The bathroom door was flung open from within, and out came Annette in a single leap, both eyes still closed, her mouth open, and forming words as she threw a toothbrush forward, towards the table. The toothbrush rushed through the air, directly into the path of the walnut, where the two collided, changing the path of the toothbrush in midair, as well as the walnut's path.

The walnut continued on, over Genevieve's head, and into the pitcher of water on the table, breaking it open, to spill over the heads of Minerva and Trudy, and waking them up in stunned, sputtering gasps, as well as sending small shards of glass flying into the air. One of those was hit by the toothbrush just before it hit the ground, and in moments, the hundred shards of glass flying over the table reflected the image of Minerva Mink onto that one, small shard that flew underneath the adjoining window.

For a moment, the inside of Newt's glasses contained only an image of her. He shrieked, struck back by that radiant image that he'd so long been protected from, and fell backwards, smashing his device on a nearby rock accidentally as he did so. In only a minute more, he was back up on his feet, and fleeing the scene, truly afraid for the first time in months.

"Whoa!" Genevieve exclaimed, the first one to get up and rush over to Annette as she stood just outside the bathroom, both eyes still closed in sleep. Genevieve was just able to grab her as she was about to fall back onto the floor.

"How did you do that?" Genevieve asked softly.

"Precise trajectory calculation." Annette muttered, still asleep, "Dimensional vectors eight, sixteen, thirty-two, zero."

"There are only three dimensional vectors..." Genevieve insisted, but Annette replied again, still sleeping.

"Fourth dimensional vector corresponds to the variable of the time index involved."

Genevieve did drop Annette on the floor just then, in shock and amazement, and both Minerva and Trudy had, by then, gathered their wits sufficiently to rush over and watch as Annette woke up, her eyelids fluttering rapidly, as she regained consciousness from the bump on her head.

"Ow! Geez. Who dropped the light bulb, guys?" Annette asked as she sat up on the floor, looking thoroughly oblivious to everything that had happened before.

"You mean you don't remember what you just did?" Genevieve asked, "The whole thing with the toothbrush and the glass, and the... That..."

Annette got up slowly and looked over at the table, and for a moment, wasn't able to say a word.

"I... I don't know what happened. I got hit with something in the bathroom, then I woke up out here..."

Minerva Mink and her friends had gathered around Annette, with smiles on their soaked faces as they helped her get her bearing again.

"You know," Minerva said, "I'm not sure what you just did, but I have a feeling it did us a world of good, and I think I may know someone who'd be able to help you find out what this means."

* * *

Annette was nervous, and when you're nervous, it's always hard to fall asleep. Nonetheless, she eventually did, closing both eyes as she looked up at the very small ceiling with the speakers built into it.

"Remarkable." the figure watching from outside the scanning chamber said, "Brain patterns just jumped hundreds of times upon entering REM sleep. I wonder if..."

Then, speaking into the microphone that allowed sound to enter the chamber, the brilliant scientist who was studying her sleeping patterns said "Your name is Annette. Not long ago, you saved your friends in a most brilliant manner, at a tea party."

"A simple matter of calculating precise trajectories, angles, air currents, gravitational factors, local energy fields and required momentum." Annette replied in her sleep.

"Indeed. Still, you couldn't have done it while you were awake."

"My higher brain functions are only accessible through my subconscious mind." Annette replied, "It's easier to perform such feats while sleeping."

"Fascinating." the scientist replied, "Tell me, what is Pi?"

"The ratio of the circumference of a circle relative to its diameter, having a mathematical value consisting of infinite digits past the decimal point." Annette replied.

"Simple, but intriguing." the scientist replied, "What about the theory of mass energy equivalence?"

"A simple theory stating that matter and energy always have equivalences in one another, expressible using the formula E=MC squared."

"What about Occam's Razor?"

"An easily misunderstood law having to do with probability, and so it is thoroughly riddled with holes in practical application, so long as we cannot be sure that all data has already been acquired, which states that the simplest explanation explaining the facts is always the correct one."

"And how do I take over the world?" The Brain asked, his eagerness growing as he listened to Annette's subconscious mind rattling off such simple truths with ease.

"Taking over the world requires a mutual consent by all its people in at least one factor, which can be used by a clever person to obtain their loyalty. To do this, all you have to do is..."

The Brain's eyes widened as he listened to her explanation. It was so simple! So incredibly simple, and yet it had never occurred to him before...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Wow! A genius under my nose. Under Annette's nose, in fact, and she had no idea. The next Minktales, though, isn't about her, or even about me. It's about Newt. What is it that makes Newt keep coming back for more, after failing so often? I was never really sure, but I think he's about ready to explain it to me. What kind of motivation could force a dog to brave the rocky waters of true love, just to capture its very source? Can I help simplify Newt's life? Will I ever even see him again? That's all in the next big issue of Minktales."

* * *

Closing Notes; I've done so much in this issue to delve into Minerva's friends and what makes them so special. I think any one of them could give Newt a hard time. Still, these stories are really still about Minerva, regardless of what supporting characters she has, kind of like the Simpsons. They always have a supporting cast, but it's usually one of the five Simpson family members (or more than one) that's dwelled on as the centerpiece of the episode. Still, if others want me to get more into Minerva's friends, I guess I could. I doubt they'll ever have much bigger roles than in this issue, though.


	45. Issue 45: To His Master

Minktales

Issue 45

"To His Master"

The heat that had filled Newt's face moments before evaporated as if it had never been, to be replaced with a new kind of heat, which he hadn't noticed before, but which had probably been there for a while. It was the heat of intense pain.

Slowly, Newt felt the large, heavy log being rolled off him, and his very flat body began regaining some part of its old shape, as Minerva Mink stood over him, putting his mink-resistant glasses onto his face with a swift flick of her wrist.

"Okay, Newt." She said, "You lost this time. Just get over it, already. You're never going to get me if you fall all over yourself every time you lay eyes on me. To be honest, I'm not sure why you want to capture me in the first place."

Newt had swiftly leapt into an upright position, one hand pointing at her angrily, and his mouth wide open, when he forgot what he'd been about to yell, and his nose drooped over a sudden, jarring realization.

"You don't know why I want to capture you?" he asked sheepishly.

"No idea." Minerva replied, "It's not a big deal, of course, but I guess I'd be a little less puzzled by you if I knew what your motivation really was. I mean, what could be worse, or better really, than braving the rocky waters of true love?"

Newt brushed himself off casually as she spoke. He wasn't sure it would help matters any, but he'd decided to tell Minerva Mink the truth.

"Alright." he said, "I will tell you. You see, I am a hunting dog, and like all hunting dogs, I am in the service of a human, whose interest lies in the field of hunting. My objective, for the moment, in catching you, is to bring you to my master, who desires mink fur for some reason. Maybe he means to make a scarf, or a coat with it."

"I think mink fur is prettier when it's still on the mink it belongs to." Minerva remarked, "Particularly... in this case."

"Well, if that's really what you think, take it up with him." Newt said, "Let me capture you and bring you to him, and we'll see if he agrees with your analysis."

Newt expected Minerva to be evasive about the idea, or even to start calling him names in derision, but as it turned out, that was yet another day when Minerva Mink would surprise him. Her face fell, and when she spoke, it was more with disappointment than with evasiveness.

"Newt, you're such a little goon. All you had to do was ask."

He wasn't surprised to find her calling him names. The surprise was that Minerva was agreeing to come with him, from the sound of things.

"You... You'll really do it? You'll really let me catch you?" Newt asked, not believing his luck in the least.

"Sure." Minerva replied, "Why not? It sounds fun. Take me to your leader and all that."

"Well, alright then." Newt said, smiling, but still a little nervous, "Come along then, Miss Mink."

So pretty soon, the two were headed away from Minerva's log house, where the remains of Newt's thoroughly-ruined battering ram lay in pieces on the ground.

* * *

Newt and Minerva had a few words about business and preferred hobbies on their way to his master's place, but pretty soon, they'd arrived at the front steps of a large, impressive-looking house, which probably had over two dozen rooms without counting closets. It was definitely a lot bigger than Minerva's house, although hers probably could have outdone it in size and style if she'd been willing to spend the time, money and effort a bigger house required.

"Well, come on in." Newt said, opening the front door to allow Minerva to enter, and boldly, both she and Newt stepped into the room beyond.

The inside of the place was made largely of wood and marble on the floors, ceilings and walls. Minerva was, however, less than impressed by the decor, much of which consisted of small animal furs.

"Hey, whatcha got there, boy?" Minerva heard a male voice saying from off in the next room, "Izzat a mi... a mimi... a mahwhoa!"

A man had walked in, who was about six feet tall and dressed largely in plaid, with big, thick boots. He wore a watch on one wrist, and stopped short as he entered the room, coming within visual range of Newt and Minerva.

"So you're the man who's been making Newt do all this horrible stuff..." Minerva said, though without much malice in her voice, as she stepped closer to the tall man, watching him back away in response.

"Huh? Wha? Uh..." The man couldn't seem to form complete words as his back hit a wall, and she started to get closer and closer.

"Now, I think mink fur looks better on me than in a store somewhere..." Minerva said, "But I've heard that you disagree."

"Whaoah! WellIuh..." the man exclaimed.

"Aw..." Minerva replied gently, "Don't be nervous. If you really need mink fur, I suppose I could always take a razor to this long, lovely, beautiful hair of mine."

As Minerva said that, she pulled an electric razor from behind her back and turned it on, moving it towards her hair slowly, and letting her arm vibrate with the razor's steady hum. In a moment, though, the man had fallen at Minerva's feet, exclaiming "No! No, please! I'll do whatever you ask! Just don't change this perfect vision I'm seeing before me!"

"Putty in my hands." Minerva thought as she cooed to the man "Oh, there there. I won't hurt my lovely hair. Don't worry. It's alright."

The man had begun sobbing like a baby as Minerva took his face in her hands, and helped him back up to his feet.

"Now then," she said, "I'm sure you have friends who like hunting too."

The man tried to shake his head, but he didn't try hard enough. The mink held it firmly with her hands.

"I want to see all of them tomorrow night. Say that there's a special announcement regarding grisly bears. That should get their attention."

Minerva did indeed see the hunter and his friends the next night, and smiles, jokes and laughter vanished the minute she stepped into view, as each man's once-strong force of will began to seep out into the carpet, causing them to fall forward onto the table in the center of the room, or else collapse backwards in shame.

* * *

Minerva smiled as she picked up the morning paper. Normally, she didn't read ordinary newspapers, but it was a special occasion. She wanted to hear their take on the latest big news.

"We hear all the time about big changes." the newspaper said, "New laws passed or new actions taken in the political and business world, that will have an impact on millions of people worldwide. Because of this, we sometimes forget to pay heed to the smaller changes that happen right at home, but can have impacts that are no less long-lasting. One such change has happened right on the outskirts of our city, where the Gregorville Hunting Club, known for having played a part in the near-extinction of many of this state's local animals, closed its doors today for the first time since it was founded one hundred and fifty years ago."

"When asked for the reasoning behind this sudden and unexpected action, many of its members declined to comment, but one or two agreed to speak with us about the incident, and they all agreed that they'd had a profound change of heart; that they no longer had anything but love for small, and particularly endangered animals, and that they would sooner hunt one another than nature's furry creatures from that day forward, particularly otters, possums and minks."

"The Gregorville Club's closing was at first thought to be a bad omen for the local economy, and they were often known to purchase food, drink and ammunition from local shops before going on hunts, but the loss of these relatively small purchases was completely overshadowed, when the Gregorville lots were purchased by a mysterious Mister Boo, who is said to be working on a development plan for low-income families using those lots."

"In turn, the closing of the club, and the fact that every last one of its former members has turned in their hunting licenses, has led to the property values in that area increasing dramatically, which means that Mister Boo's act of mercy may well lose him more money than he knows."

"The Gregorville Club, however, is no loss, in this reporter's opinion. It brought nothing at all to the community, and took much away, and so I say congratulations to all of its former members on the revelation you've been given. If only all the people of the world could receive such revelations about the pointlessness of killing, this world would be a much happier place in which to live."

Minerva Mink continued to smile, chuckling once or twice at the way the events had been described, then put the paper into the local garbage can, finished her breakfast and stepped outside for a walk.

Minerva felt the solid walkway support her feet easily as she paced back and forth through the woods, stopping now and then to admire the changing colors of the autumn leaves, when she heard a whistle from up above, and turned to look, expecting to see a bird, but in fact, there was Newt, sitting in a red hammock with his protective eyewear still on, and a relaxed smile on his face; something that Minerva had never seen on Newt before.

"So what'll you do now?" Minerva asked Newt, as she looked up at him.

"Oh, I may take a vacation for a while." Newt replied, "A hike up those mountains in the distance, a nice swim in the ocean... maybe a picnic in the woods once or twice... I'm still going to have chores to do around the house, I expect, but I'm sure I'll be forgiven a bit of laziness. At least for a little while."

"So I'll never see you again?" Minerva asked, "Should I be saying goodbye?"

For a moment, the smile fell from Newt's face, but he only appeared surprised, not sad as he turned to face Minerva, just out of politeness.

"My dear Miss Mink, I am not that easy to get rid of. I suspect you'll still see me around from time to time. I may even try to catch you again one of these days."

"I know." Minerva replied, "Trying to catch me is what you do best. I won't ask you to give that up. It's your hobby. But you know how it's going to end."

"Honestly, I never really expected to catch you." Newt responded with a knowing sort of smile, "Not even from the start."

Seconds later, he hopped into the upper branches of the tree, packed up his hammock and was gone.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "I haven't thought about it much recently, what with my career taking off and such, but I'm still sad that I haven't found a man yet, who I could really share my life with. In the next Minktales, though, I've learned that there'll be a comedy convention in town, with many famous comic masters, past and present attending. I suppose a good sense of humor is an essential part of any relationship, but will any of them be able to survive my presence without falling over, and will I even notice the man of my dreams if he appears? That's all next issue, so I'll see you then."


	46. Issue 46: Unconventional Mink

Minktales

Issue 46

"Unconventional Mink"

Minerva Mink lay back listlessly, resting on her bed sideways. She was in one of her day outfits; a shoulder-less shirt with jean shorts, but as soon as she'd put it on, she'd realized that she couldn't possibly go out on that day.

"I can't let go of my dreams." Minerva realized aloud as she lay there, staring at the patterns in the ceiling, "I still want to meet a wonderful man who I can spend the rest of my life with. A kind, gentle warm animal of very good fortune, who..."

However, as Minerva Mink once again recited those vows to herself, she saw something sticking out of the newspaper she'd thrown into the trash the day before. It was a small advertisement flier, with one word that caught her eye. Lover's.

Quickly, Minerva picked the flier out of the garbage and looked through it. It read "Comedy lover's convention. Come, human and toon alike, to our convention, to trade comic tidbits, and meet some of the most famous cartoon stars in the world. Witness comedy routines sure to shake you up with laughter." Then, the ad gave an address and date.

"Hmmm..." Minerva thought, feeling very much better, with a new purpose in her life, "I think I might just go..."

* * *

The Comedy Lover's Convention took place in and around a large, air-conditioned building, consisting of seven rooms. The lobby; where many people talked, or traded old video tapes of rare comedy acts, the lounge; mostly used for socializing, three rooms that seemed to be mainly decorated with tables and a stage at one end, and two bathrooms, one for each gender. Many people there were indeed comedy experts from all over Hollywood. They knew most of the other people there from other functions and conventions, and they socialized easily with one another. That is, they did at first, but beautiful women were a rare sight, even at conventions having to do with more feminine subjects, and the woman they saw then was someone who no one could have been prepared for.

The big, red double-doors opened slowly to admit her, and the moment her left leg entered, followed by the rest of her a fraction of a second later, every man in the room froze. Many comedy legends there, some known for their incessant ability to speak and speak and speak, without ever shutting up, found themselves completely without words, and no words had ever been invented to describe the intense, overwhelming emotions that flowed through them as she walked by. Some attempted jokes, which fizzled into mindless blathering, and non-words when she got closer, and ended in a babbling mutter as she passed them by, and still others merely gaped, while some, losing all self control, began hooting or shouting in exclamations that were probably intended to express love. I suppose you could say that Minerva Mink had made the scene, although she sort of brought her own scene with her, no matter where she went.

Minerva smiled at everyone she passed, as they began, in some cases against their previously active will, begging her not to leave them, and in a minute or so more, she passed, with a wink that made half the men in the lobby collapse to the floor in fainting spells, into the next room, where, as before, all eyes were on her from the very second she entered. Even the comedian who was on the stage could do nothing but stare with his mouth wide open, his eyes growing bigger and bigger, the closer that Minerva got. At last, Minerva Mink stepped up on stage, and the comedian's eyes were about the size of soccer balls as she asked, "Would you be a dear and give me a turn?"

The man tried to nod, but his eyes were already so large, that it was difficult, so instead, he just handed over the microphone, and as he did so, his fingers brushed lightly against her fur, and he was out cold on the stage floor in moments. Minerva suspected, though, as she watched his eyes shrink back to normal size, that he wouldn't distract the crowd too much.

"Hi." she said, looking out at those gathered, "My name is Minerva Mink."

Despite themselves, everyone laughed, not only because they thought she was trying to do a comedy act, but also because it was genuinely funny that Minerva; the most successful starlet of the twenty-first century, should feel the need to introduce herself to a crowd full of comedy connoisseurs.

"There's more, though." she insisted, drawing more laughs, "You see, I'm having some trouble getting a date..."

The audience roared, but she continued, "Please! Please! This is very important!"

More laughter.

"Look, I know how it looks. I myself examine the stunning sight you're watching in the mirror every day for as long as I can spare, but the truth is, it makes it kind of hard for guys to get past the... appearance thing."

Somewhat less intense laughter followed.

"Thank you." she said, "I'm looking for someone who's handsome and kind. who has money, but isn't too proud of it, and who finds me attractive, but not mesmerizing."

Slightly louder laughter.

"Oh, this is absurd!" Minerva exclaimed, "I'll bet not one of you big, strapping men could respond sensibly after five minutes in a car with me. Just spread the word, alright?"

The laughter grew as she put the microphone gently on the chest of the fainted comic she'd taken it from, and stepped off the stage in a huff. Several men tried to approach closer, but only three failed to realize that their proximity to her was making it impossible for them to maintain control, and of those three, the one in the middle was the boldest.

"Whoa, honey!" he exclaimed, "Five minutes, five hours, five hundred years. It don't make a bit of difference!"

For a moment, Minerva truly contemplated killing the man by pegging him dead-on with her wonder kiss, which had once made a wooden dummy explode, but instead, she chose to merely prove her point by grabbing him and pecking him lightly on the forehead. The man seemed to have contracted a muscle control problem in his nose and mouth the moment she did so, as his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he keeled over, fainting dead away.

"Oh dear." Minerva said, "I guess five hundred years was a bit on the optimistic side."

No one else shouted anything like that to her, but many heard what she'd said to the man, and passed it on to others, and soon, just about everyone in the room was laughing at her latest joke as she moved into the next room; the attention of every man nearby moving with her.

* * *

Forty-six faintings, two speeches and over three hundred gawking stares later, Minerva Mink arrived back home, exhausted and disappointed. She'd hoped to find at least one really incredible guy at that club, but most comics were not, as a rule, really incredible guys. Many just try to get by on half-jokes and lame prop gags, and a few actually succeed in doing so, but Minerva knew she wanted, at least, a decent sense of humor from a soul mate. It was what most toons looked for, and a very important element to any solid relationship with another inhabitant of planet Earth, when you got down to it.

Minerva spent about seven minutes brushing her long, golden, perfect hair when she got home, and another couple of minutes making sure her eyelashes were all the proper length before she heard her doorbell ringing.

"Oh, not now!" Minerva thought, "It's almost bedtime. I don't have time for a..."

Just as Minerva opened the front door of her log house, however, her jaw fell to the floor. The guy before her wasn't extremely tall, or very broad-shouldered, and he didn't look like he had very big muscles, though Minerva was quite sure that he could disguise himself as such a man at a moment's notice. The important thing, at the time, was what she saw in his eyes. He was staring right at her, without blinking or flinching, with a smile on his face. He was one of the ones. He liked her, but he wasn't paralyzed by her. In those eyes also, she saw a depth of intelligence, cunning and intuition, and there could be no doubt that he had a good sense of humor. He was, after all, one of the greatest comic giants of all time.

"No way!" she exclaimed in disbelief, "No way! This just can't be! You are not standing here right now, on my front step!"

"Eh..." he said, twitching the half-chewed carrot in between his fore and middle fingers, "It's a possibility..."

The End.

* * *

Minerva: "Whoa! Maybe someday I'll recount the tale of my first kiss with an old time toon star, but not next issue. In the next issue, there's words about television. I don't watch much television, of course, but I do watch some, and as soon as I find out that a character I really like is being dropped from my favorite soap... Well, I have to go do something about it! Can I change the minds of the show's producers? Can I change the mind of the actor? What will I have to do to turn that show back in the right direction?"


	47. Issue 47: Soap

Minktales

Issue 47

"Soap"

Minerva Mink spent very little time watching television. Much of her day was spent in reading magazines, caring for her hair, her face, her fur, her figure, and various other leisure activities, as well as, more recently, making cartoons, commercials, and scenes for her new movie. It was only twice every week that she actually watched any television, and only in the evening, just before, or sometimes during an unsuccessful date, which meant a date in which the man was insensible within five minutes. Most of Minerva's dates fell into that category.

The shows that Minerva Mink watched only appeared once a week, and they were both along the same lines. A show where people meet, fall in love, strange things happen, but they persevere, and eventually come out on top. In other words, soaps.

Although Minerva loved her life and everything about it, she would still watch the stories of drama, humor and romance on occasion, enjoying the dynamics of the characters as they interacted, and although she wouldn't have wished any changes upon her life, she found the soaps to be exciting and compelling. Because of that, Minerva found herself picking out characters she preferred over others whenever they were on the show from time to time, and acquired special attachments to one "Frankie Carlson," who was a friend of the main character of her favorite show "Brushside." It was a title that meant very little, except that it was the name of the place where everything in the soap happened, but Minerva's quest on behalf of Frankie didn't start while watching the show, but while reading a magazine about television. That was where she saw the dreaded words that would give her life new direction.

"Actor Bill Herly; best known for his role as Frankie Carlson on the television drama Brushside, will be leaving the show near the end of the season, due to mutual consensus by himself and the writers that the character had outlived its appeal."

"WHAT?" Minerva exclaimed, standing bolt upright in the middle of her living room, and holding the magazine closer to her face as she did so, "They can't get rid of Frankie! He's the funniest one! It's an outrage! I'm going to take this to the highest authorities!"

Then, Minerva Mink quickly tossed the still-open magazine onto her couch and stormed out the front door.

As soon as she stepped outside, however, nearly every male animal within sight of Minerva's log house flew into conniptions and fainted, their bodies giving out on them, seemingly to prevent them from dying, as Minerva rushed back into the house, realizing with embarrassment that she'd left the house in only her nightgown.

Once properly attired for her mission, Minerva Mink got into her bright red convertible, and headed to the studio where she knew that Brushside was filmed. She'd known the studio's location for some time, but had never actually gone there, for fear of scaring off the show's cast, which would have been a disaster. It didn't make much difference anymore, though, if Frankie was leaving.

* * *

Donald Gorran heard a knock at his office door, and pushed the intercom button on his desk, as he pushed the important scenery construction papers to one side, then asked "Miss Thomas, who's knocking on my office door?"

"It's Minerva Mink, sir. She says it's urgent."

Miss Thomas sounded very helpless over the whole thing, and understandably so. Even Don couldn't resist Minerva himself. He watched her show every night. If she wanted something, she'd probably find some way to get it. Still, he could make it a little harder for her. The knocking continued as he put his papers away in a desk drawer and carefully, silently opened a nearby window, then climbed, as he'd done more than once before in the past, through the window, and out into the parking lot beyond, where he carefully moved towards his car, still hearing the sound of knocking from his office. Finally, Don unlocked his car, opened the door to the driver's seat, put the hood down, and felt a rush of emotions more powerful than anything he, in all his time producing soaps, had ever felt, as two long, white-furred, slender arms caressed his shoulders from the back seat.

"Nice to see you, Donny..." he heard in a slow, seductive tone, "We really ought to talk about some things..."

Three minutes later, "Donny" was enjoying a truly ecstatic nap in the front seat of his car as Minerva checked a name off her list.

"That's one." she said cheerfully.

* * *

Barry Jensmith was typing things into a computer rapidly. They weren't scripts; just basic ideas for interactions in the next season, but as he was head writer for the series, they would get looked at by the director before anybody else's. He'd just finished one nice quip that he thought was particularly intelligent, when something red with a black outline came down softly on the side of his desk, and the emotions it sent through him alerted him instantly as to what it was. He looked up, and up, and up, very, very slowly and his tongue lost all its motor coordination as he did so. Barry had fallen into her trap before he'd even known it existed.

"I've heard you nice writing people need inspiration to make lines and characters work." Minerva Mink said, as she sat on his desk in her bright red dress, "Well, are you getting any new Frankie inspirations yet?"

"That's two." Minerva said, putting a check mark on her list again, a few minutes later, as she walked away, Barry typing furiously at his computer, entirely unable to stop.

* * *

Martin Newman sat down to the booth he usually took in the "Seven Is" restaurant down the road from the studio he directed at. He had some time on his hands for lunch, so he'd decided that he may as well enjoy a good meal while he could.

Soon, he picked a menu out of the napkin holder nearby, and started perusing the lists, until he selected something he particularly wanted. There were several things on the menu he liked, but it had been almost a year since he'd had that one, and he definitely wanted to try it again. It was a type of steak dish prepared with a number of different flavorings that were almost impossible to taste or smell all of while eating, which added richness to the experience, in his opinion.

Martin was really looking forward to his steak, but the moment he put the menu down, he saw something that made him scream and flee the restaurant, which also drew, for several moments more, the attention of every man in the place.

"Beats me." Minerva Mink tried to explain to those gathered, as she wore a decent facsimile of a waitress uniform, "Isn't he weird?"

* * *

Martin rushed to his car and drove off, down the street as fast as he could go, until he came to a busy intersection, where construction was being done, and a traffic cop in a long, neon uniform encouraged people where to go. Martin was feeling nervous as he waited for his turn to come, and no less so as the traffic all around him stopped, and the traffic cop approached his car, removing her hat, and letting her perfect, golden, cartoon hair flow in the breeze.

Quickly, he punched the gas and was off again, and soon, he was back at his own house, hurrying to unlock his front door as he rushed inside, slamming it shut behind him and spun around...

...Just in time for two long, slender arms; covered in white fur, to fall around his neck. Martin looked about ready to sob, as Minerva Mink said "Now, there there. It's not so bad. You may even find it fun, when you decide to give me what I want..."

"M-may I take your order?" Martin asked in short, stuttering gasps, as Minerva smiled in delight, remarking softly, "Oh, aren't you sweet? Alright. This is what I'd like..."

Then, in only two more minutes, Minerva Mink left Martin Newman's house, checking a third name off her list with the words "that's three" on her thin, red lips.

* * *

Bill Herly was watching television in his house. It was a cooking show he particularly liked. Cooking was one of the many hobbies he'd decided to take up while waiting for his next check, as well as for a call from his agent, but he could afford it, since he had a fairly large refrigerator in which to keep everything. Nothing ever went wasted.

The chef on the television was smiling, as he drained the water out of the pasta he was handling, using a siv, then carefully left it in the sink for a few moments, as he headed back over to the pot that was still on the burner not far off.

"Of course, at this point," the chef said "you can pretty much let the pasta alone for a while, no matter what kind you decide to use with this recipe, but what you really want to do is check the sauce every four minutes or so, to make sure it's comin' out just right."

Quickly, the chef put a spoon into the pot, and immediately, Minerva Mink popped out of it, exclaiming, "Bill! I know you're watching this! Go back to the studio! Brushside needs Frankie, Bill! It needs you!"

Instantly terrified, Bill changed the channel to a nature show.

"The common river otter hunts for fish in the forest streams and ponds, and although endangered, it has enemies other than man. One such enemy, which it gets into quarrels with often over territory, is the common mink."

Immediately, Minerva Mink leapt on screen, alongside the otter and exclaimed "Bill, don't shut me out! I'm not the only one who loves Frankie!"

White as a sheet, Bill turned off the television, only to hear his phone ring at that exact instant.

For several seconds, the phone continued to ring, leading Bill to wonder why the answering machine hadn't picked it up yet, until at last, he couldn't bare it any longer, and rushed to pick it up.

"Come on, Billy..." he heard a familiar, female voice coaxing him from the phone, "You're only making it harder on yourself... Follow the light to your destiny..."

Bill slammed the receiver down hard, and at that moment, light started to stream into his house from under his front door. Bill was quite scared, of course, but what else could he do? He had to leave the house sometime, and as a toon, Minerva would find a way in sooner or later. Calling the police would do no good. Nearly every unit had at least one man. He had to open the door.

Trembling all over, Bill reached slowly forward, his hand grasping the door handle and turning it...

In a minute and a half, Minerva Mink left Bill Herly's house, checking the last name off her list, and saying happily, "There we are! All done!"

* * *

The following week, Minerva was reading the same television magazine, and smiled as she saw the very article she'd been looking for.

"Frankie, previously reported to be leaving the series at the end of this season, will, in fact, only be taking a short hiatus, until about midway through the next season. According to series director Martin Newman, Frankie's return to the series will accompany plot points said to lead to 'hard times for the main character, though Frankie's easygoing manner will remain intact, and his interactions with his friends will be basically similar.'"

"'We decided that the show would generally have come across as depressing without a character like Frankie, who doesn't take things as seriously as the others.' producer Donald Gorran was heard to remark, 'He brings credible levity to the difficult situations that he and the other characters must face.'"

"When asked why he agreed to take the role up again, after previously assuring reporters that he would not, actor Bill Herly told us, 'Let's just say I have some very dedicated fans that I couldn't disappoint, even if I wanted to.'"

Minerva Mink just smiled, and put the magazine down. It was going to be a very good day.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, it was a scramble there for a while, but on the whole, I had a good time. Next time on Minktales, though, it's another cartoon; this one of a more... super variety. I'm going to be cast into the role of a superhero, and guess who's made it his duty to bring me in... I hope you'll catch the next Minktales, because it's gonna be a high-flying adventure!"


	48. Issue 48: Mighty Mink

Minktales

Issue 48

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Mighty Mink"

Criminals beware, for Mighty Mink is here! Yes, that mysterious stranger from a far more beautiful planet, Mighty Mink soars through the air, shining down joy and delight upon the innocent, and sharp humility upon the guilty. Mighty Mink, who soars through the air with grace and speed! Mighty Mink, whose merest glance can force a confession out of even the most hardened criminal. Yes, Mighty Mink is here to save the day, and disguised as fashion aficionado Minerva Mink, she fights a never ending battle to make the world a far more stunning place...

Minerva Mink was in her log house reading a magazine about lipsticks, when her incredible fashion senses detected the presence of someone out in the city in incredible need. Quickly ducking into a nearby closet, Minerva Mink removed the blue dress she'd been wearing and emerged in an entirely different outfit. It was a bright red dress, done up with a yellow belt that ended at almost precisely the knees and just past the shoulders. She also had gloves to go with it, but didn't usually wear them.

"What?" she asked in slight irritation, "This is one superhero who isn't going into battle looking like some kid's coloring book."

However, as Minerva Mink started to head out the door, she continued to hear responses from the audience, and eventually sighed, then said, "Alright, alright. I'll do a symbol, but no capes or anything, okay?"

Then, with mighty speed, Minerva designed a logo, and sewed it to the chest of her costume, which looked like the letters "MM" in gold.

"Now I'm off!" Minerva exclaimed, opening the door and rushing outside, taking flight in a single, swift motion of power!

* * *

At last, the great Mighty Mink arrived at the scene of the disaster, and caught sight of a building on fire, with a husband and wife standing outside, both visibly worried as they watched the firemen at work.

"What seems to be..." Minerva started to ask, but then the husband's jaw made contact with the pavement, and his eyes began to pulse like big hearts, so Minerva turned to the lady instead.

"Oh, you have to help us, M & M's lady!" the woman exclaimed, "Our teenage daughter is caught on the top floor, and I'm sure she's a wreck by now!"

"First off," Minerva said irritably, "it's Mighty Mink, and secondly... I'll get right on it."

However, as Minerva soared upwards into the burning house, her activities were watched by a pair of unfriendly eyes; in fact, they were truly villainous...

* * *

As Mighty Mink weaved in between the flames, she listened carefully for the voice of a teenage girl, and soon detected the sound of the girl in distress...

"Help! My mascara's running in this heat!"

"You're right!" Minerva realized, "We have to get out of here, quick!"

Then rushing forward and grabbing the girl, she leapt directly sideways, back out of the building, and deposited the soaked teenager on the sidewalk.

"Thank you, M & M's girl." the teenager said as she rushed into the arms of her parents.

"That's Mighty Mink!" Minerva replied testily, "I only used this emblem because the kids wanted me to!"

* * *

As Minerva spoke to those she'd saved, however, the evil Newtor readied the weapon that he intended to use for capturing Mighty Mink. It was a large ray that created, upon impact, an impenetrable, opaque black bubble around its target. Swiftly, Newtor pulled the switches on the large device and watched as a beam of concentrated light emerged from its tip, shooting towards Mighty Mink...

"Well, anyway, I'm off to help more people who won't call me an M & M." Minerva said to the family, who just seemed pleased to have their daughter back, "So long."

Then, she took off into the air, and Newtor started to see the one flaw in his plan, as the beam hit the ground, and the bubble manifested over the city block that he and the family were in, putting out the fire completely in seconds, and causing himself and the family to faint.

Of course, the big, black dome didn't go unnoticed by Mighty Mink, who deduced "This must be the work of an evil enemy, but who? Aren't I too fashionable to have enemies?"

Still, she had to do something, so after feeling along the dome for a few seconds, she planted her lips on it solidly, and gave the side of the black half-moon a giant kiss. In moments, the whole thing exploded, so that block of the city was safe again, and Mighty Mink was back on her way, as Newtor struggled to get back up, and devise another dastardly plot to catch her.

* * *

The police officer down at the scene of the disaster was, fortunately, a female, and although it did make it easier for Mighty Mink to find out what had happened, it also exposed her to the one thing she couldn't defend herself from...

"Oh, M & M's woman! Thank God you're here! There are people trapped under those construction materials! You have to get them out before it damages their complexion irreversibly!"

"I'm on it," Minerva sighed, "and I'm not an M & M!"

Then quickly, Mighty Mink rushed into action, hurling aside concrete, metal and rubble as one after another, the people underneath were freed from their imprisonment.

"We're free!" one of them exclaimed happily, "And just in the nick of time, too, and stuff! Long live the M & M's Avenger! Hooray!"

Minerva hung her head for several seconds, then finally said, "I think I'm starting to see why Mighty Mouse never wore an emblem."

* * *

Meanwhile, Newtor, still furious over his last defeat, watched Minerva Mink from the side of one of the buildings, aiming the weapon he held in his hands. He didn't like to have to take such a course of action, but it was the only way he'd be able to get close enough to her, so he fired the uglyfying ray.

Down into the city streets the ray shot, headed closer and closer to Mighty Mink as she tried to explain to those present that she wasn't intended to look like an M & M, but as soon as the ray got within six feet of her, it stopped short, and whistled loudly, spinning around in mid-air, and dissipating harmlessly. The pure beauty of Minerva was too much. The uglyfying force just wasn't strong enough to penetrate her supernatural appearance, and she barely noticed that anything had been fired at her at all, taking off once more. Newtor started cranking up the power on his machine, to try to fire it again, but as he did so, it started to tremble, and before he could turn it off, a tremendous explosion rocked the surrounding buildings. As Mighty Mink flew off, Newtor was charred and twisted like a pretzel on the rooftop.

* * *

"Come on! Come on! Move!" one of the bank robbers exclaimed to the others, as they piled into a mustard-yellow Volkswagen and drove off. Just then, Mighty Mink descended upon them in a flash, and landed on the hood of their car, causing them to screech to a halt and pile out, drooling all over the place.

"Hey, baby! Howdamoowawawawawa..." One of them exclaimed as he stared helplessly at Minerva.

"Huh..." Minerva replied with a quizzical, curious look on her face, "Sounds fun, but hey! You know what'd be even better? If you gave all that money back to the bank and turned yourselves in."

"Whoayabbadabbadoookay..." the vocal robber replied, rushing to the back seat of the car to retrieve the money, and return it, per her instructions.

"Well!" Minerva said, raising her left forefinger into the air in triumph, "My work here is done! Now I can go home!"

"Oh, there you are!" a lady accountant said, seeing Minerva as she left the bank, "You're the one who got them to bring the money back! Thank you so much, Candy Crusader!"

Minerva's previously joyous expression vanished as she put her face in her hands.

"ALRIGHT!" she exclaimed, "THAT DOES IT! NO MORE EMBLEM FROM NOW ON!"

Then, leaving a very confused accountant below, Mighty Mink took off into the air again, as a nearly-recuperated Newtor watched angrily.

"You've escaped me in the past, Mighty Mink." he said, "But I'm going to track you down and learn your secret identity."

With that, Newtor held up a small pellet, which he fitted into a gun. The pellet was made of Dounion; a rare metal found only close to the Earth's core, and easily traceable electronically. The gun he was using coated it in glue and fired it at a target, homing in on them until it made contact. Newt snickered as he took aim, stepping into his hover-chamber. Once the pellet made contact with Mighty Mink, the hover-chamber would automatically trail it, following that pellet wherever it went.

Newtor fired the pellet from his gun and sat down in the hover chamber, watching the pellet move along the tiny screen inside his device...

* * *

Mighty Mink thought she felt something making contact with her back as she soared through the air, but dismissed it as just an overeager bird or something, and continued over the city bay towards the woods beyond, where her home lay, but as she flew over the water, not noticing the hover-chamber that followed her at a safe distance, the tiny pellet that had adhered to her furry back began to heat up. First, it was just normal body heat from its host, then it began to grow very hot, then scalding, then red hot, and finally, it melted completely, along with the adhesive that had been used to attach it, falling in pieces into the water below, as Minerva continued her flight back home, oblivious. The hover-chamber, still on automatic, plunged unstoppably into the waves, as Newtor muttered unpleasant vows against that blasted Mink.

"I'll get you next time, Mighty Mink!" he exclaimed as his chamber sank to the bay's bottom, "Next time!"

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I'm not crazy about being referred to as candy, but if not for that, I probably would have had a blast with this cartoon. Next time, though, there's another cartoon, this one a tale of the far, far distant future. But although people are smarter, robots more efficient and technology more powerful, some things never change, and my short trip into the city to get shampoo may just turn into a massive technological adventure, full of love and joy. I hope you'll be there to see it, because I can't wait to find out what the future holds on the next Minktales!"


	49. Issue 49: Minerva of the Future

Minktales

Issue 49

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Minerva of the Future"

"It is time." the female voice said into the darkness.

"Huh?" the gorgeous, recently-sleeping mink asked, "Time for what?"

"It is the time you set for awakening. You asked to be woken."

"Alright." Minerva replied, getting up slowly, "Thanks, Cindy."

"Cindy," as Minerva called her, was the name of her log-shaped house in the woods outside of town. When Minerva had first purchased the house, she'd insisted that it come with a female personality chip, as male houses had given her problems in the past, so Cindy was definitely female, even though she was only a machine.

"Would you like me to do your hair?" the house asked, but Minerva replied slowly, "No, that's alright. Just let me have the hair gun. When I do it myself, it feels more personal."

So, Minerva got dressed in a pretty blue dress, going down about halfway to her knees, and when she moved to her vanity, the hair gun was right there, and she immediately picked it up, and aimed it at her head, then fired, and in a bright flash of light, her hair was done perfectly, just the way she liked it. Minerva watched happily as the hair gun levitated back up into the ceiling, and the mirror in front of her opened, releasing her makeup in a spray that gravitated toward just the right parts of her face under its own power. In only a moment more, Minerva slid her feet into her best blue shoes and spoke out to Cindy as she did so.

"Four meat slices with toast and apple slices, please."

"Alright." Cindy replied, and the food she'd requested materialized on the dining area table, awaiting her arrival. Minerva quickly took up the utility bracelets that she kept by the doorway out, and clapped them to her wrists, then started eating breakfast as holographic images of the latest news from Toontown appeared before her. So far, it was an ordinary sort of day for Minerva Mink, circa 2707.

* * *

Before too long, Minerva stepped outside into the world, and saw the transport beacons rotating around the city, enabling nearly instant travel to any point in it. Still, those beacons made it unnecessary to walk from place to place, which meant that Minerva no longer had to walk into town and disrupt other people's attention, work and time, and what kind of fun was that?

With a bright, but slightly sarcastic smirk, Minerva Mink headed towards the city on foot, gazing in delight at the huge, dome-shaped weather enclosure and the massive spires it contained, full of people at work discovering new things, beginning new things and in some cases, annulling old, obsolete ones.

The beacons all over the city, flying vehicles and people filling the air, and in between, the huge, towering buildings, thousands of feet high, that symbolized all that had been accomplished in the last three hundred or so years; the matter-energy converter, the independent micro-fusion generator, the graviton manipulator... But especially the data interfaces that allowed even the smallest child to benefit from the knowledge and experience of all the greatest scientists, professors and philosophers of the past.

All of that had made every person in that future time a hundred times brighter by nature than in any other era in history, but just being bright doesn't mean you have complete control. You may understand philosophies and methods for maintaining self-control, and yet, when the ultimate test is leveled in your direction, you might not be ready for it.

Minerva found that to be the case as she walked through the city in the direction of the department store. Over and over again, men, boys and other guys of various races and ages turned to look at her, struggling visibly, yet inevitably surrendering to the uncontrollable emotions that her very presence forced upon them, staring, eyes swelling, mouths hanging open, some trying to speak to her, but failing miserably. No technology had been created that could shield people from her unnatural charm, and it showed most potently whenever she went to town. She loved every second of it, and as much of a struggle as it was, they clearly did too.

Minerva knew full well, by that point, that whenever she went out on the town, men of all sorts dropped what they were doing to stare. One man working vocally with a personal hand-computer began to blather the moment he saw her, ruining the letter he'd been trying to compose. A teenage boy who'd been playing basketball, and the friends he was playing with all stopped short; unable to make the geometric feat of a simple hoop-dunk, that he would previously have made with such ease, and he could practically have fit the basketball into his mouth. Even one small boy dropped the pad of paper he'd been sketching a microprocessor design on and left it, unfinished, where it was, to watch attentively with growing eyes as Minerva strutted happily and slowly past. It was Minerva Mink's element, and she drifted through it gleefully whenever she was in the city.

At last, Minerva arrived at the department store, which was a particularly tall building with a transportation device on one side, reading "place forefinger in correct slot."

Alongside that device was a chart of the store, telling which slots led to which floors of the store, and Minerva casually walked in, causing the security guards, and the man at the information desk to stand bolt upright, their eyes as big as dinner plates, as she headed to the teleporter, and put her finger in the hole for the thirty-seventh floor, then vanished in a flash of light, to re-appear there. It was a floor she was quite accustomed to visiting, because it was all cosmetics and cleaning products, like soaps and shampoos.

Minerva drew some attention on that floor, but the few guys who were around dared not follow her with anything more than their eyes, as she asked a young store clerk for information on shampoo comparisons.

The store clerk, as it turned out, was a female, and also an android. Minerva hadn't been sure from a distance, but androids always had a sort of look in their eyes when they talked to you, as if they'd be just as happy talking to a wall. Minerva didn't mind, though. In some ways, she found it amusing.

"This shampoo lasts longer when left out, and produces results that are just as good, even when dry." the android explained, "The others react better to moisture and remain fresh. In addition, they're known for getting good results when used immediately. Better, some say, than the others on their best day."

"Those sound like they're for me." Minerva replied with a smile, "Thank you."

So, Minerva Mink took the shampoo she'd been looking for up to the front desk, and gave it to the robot up front, who slid it through the scanner, then handed her a receipt. In the modern world, all charges were managed by DNA scans, which were impossible to forge, as well as quick and painless, and didn't require the time and effort of a pin number or a retina scan. It was, Minerva thought, delightfully simple, though she didn't like the idea of someone studying her DNA, even if that someone was a machine.

Taking her purchase, Minerva Mink put her finger into the slot, to return to the first floor, and felt herself teleporting back downstairs, then once she was back in the lobby, she headed out the front door, and was startled by a flash of light, right in front of her.

Of course, the flash meant that someone was teleporting to just outside the store, and Minerva knew that much already, but it was literally inches from her nose...

* * *

Ralph Jacobs had been having a rough day. His boss had been irritatingly persistent about the new XG1490NEO specs he'd been working on, and he had to pick up a chair from the department store for transmission to his house on the way back home, which was just another errand that took away from the time he had to himself, but the moment he came out of teleportation in front of the store, all his feelings of worry, frustration and anger melted away, and were suddenly missing in action. He was inches from the face of Minerva Mink.

"Um... hi." Minerva said, just as surprised as him, "Don't mind me... I was... just... heading off..."

"Oh... Oh... Ohmama!" Ralph exclaimed, falling backwards onto the sidewalk, as the most beautiful woman in North America, and perhaps on Earth giggled at his reaction in a way that melted his heart down to its core, then, shooting him a glance that said "sorry," she was off down the street with her little shopping bag, and Ralph was left on the pavement, unable to even breathe until she was out of sight, then finally, as she ducked into an alley, he let out a long, choking gasp.

Ralph was gasping and sputtering for at least a minute before his breathing returned to normal levels, and it was several minutes after that before he had enough strength in his legs to actually stand up. Nevertheless, it was, he later decided, time well spent.

* * *

After watching a movie, meeting some of her friends for soft drinks and spending some time at the gym, which brought business in that area of the city to a screeching halt for over an hour, Minerva strode happily back out of the city, and back to her house, listening to the refreshing sound of the woodland creatures falling all over themselves, as she passed by them. Then she stepped inside, and was met by the voice of the only person she could tell anything to.

"How was your day?" Cindy asked.

"Oh, you know." Minerva replied, seating herself on a hovering cushion, that Cindy offered to her, "Same old, same old."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, if that's really what life'll be like in the future, I guess it won't be so bad, but I don't really feel jealous of the future me either. Maybe the important things in life will stay pretty much the same. In the next issue of Minktales, though, something happens that's not the same at all. It's a story of one of the best dates I've ever had, with the toon who's just right for me. I only hope he's as interested in me as I am in him. Well, see you then!"


	50. Issue 50: The Most Awesome Date on Earth

Minktales

Issue 50

"The Most Awesome Date on Earth"

Minerva Mink was resting her chin in both hands as her date looked at his watch. It was probably the first time in months that Minerva Mink had been able to let a guy drive her to a movie, instead of having to be the designated driver, but the date just wasn't turning out very well, mainly because the movie they were watching was absolutely horrible. Both of them were used to extreme, measured comedy of a physical or vocal sort, and Minerva was used to emotional comedy, so when there was a movie out that claimed to be a comedy, it had high standards to measure up to for the two of them.

"Are you feeling alright?" Minerva asked her date, causing him to look back at her, which he hadn't done through most of the date.

"Eh, I'll be okay when it's all over." he said, shrugging slightly. Minerva had to agree. The movie they were watching through the windshield was definitely substandard fare, made with little or no talent, to please a crowd of the world's least intelligent people, but both of them were comedy experts. It wasn't for them.

Of course, it was a drive-in. Minerva never went to regular theaters anymore. Getting out once the lights came back on was murder, since nearly every guy in the theater would crowd her on the way. It was a lot easier to just drive to a movie, then drive elsewhere.

"You know, you're right!" Minerva exclaimed, "Let's get out of here! Let's go someplace else."

"Well, yeah, but where else where?" her date asked, holding up both arms as he spoke.

"Anywhere. I don't care as long as we're together."

Then, Minerva crawled over her date and took the driver's seat, having to slip past his long, soft ears, and backed out of their space at the drive-in theater, to leave the film early. It much deserved to be walked, or rather driven, out of, though.

"So, where elsewhere where were you planning on going?" her date asked.

"You know, I'll bet we could do just about anything now." Minerva Mink replied, "But what I'd really like to do is go to some nice, normal restaurant, and just sip juice and talk, if that's alright with you."

"Uh, sure. Whatever works for you." he replied, removing a carrot from a cigar box that he'd had behind his back.

* * *

In about five minutes, the two were sitting across from one another in a booth at Henry's Cafe. Minerva was drinking apple juice and her date had carrot juice, which she'd never seen before.

Of course, while they'd been sitting through a small part of that awful movie, Minerva and her date hadn't looked at each other much, but whenever she did look at him, Minerva Mink couldn't help but feel a little intimidated. She was so much younger than him. For a toon, that meant very little in terms of establishing relationships, but the guy was a legend, even among toons. What girl wouldn't feel a little intimidated by the sheer fame of someone like Bugs Bunny? It was because of that unintentional factor of intimidation that Minerva Mink had a hard time speaking as she watched him sip his carrot juice across from her in the booth.

Bugs Bunny was immune to her unnatural power of love. Minerva Mink was sure of it by then. He was one of the very rare men who could withstand her "love factor," as she liked to call it, indefinitely. Still, he'd shown up when she'd told the world of comedy that she was looking for a date, and that meant that he was, at least on some level, interested in her.

"You've got a new movie coming out soon, right?" Bugs asked, as Minerva was finally deciding to speak.

"Uh, yes. Yes, definitely." she replied, "But you've done movies too, right? I mean, you know all about it."

"Well..." Bugs trailed off a little, then whispered to her across the table, from behind one hand, "Confidentially, I haven't exactly been pleased with the finished products of most of the films I been asked to appear in lately. It's not like it was in the old days."

"Yes!" Minerva exclaimed, delighted by the direction that their conversation was suddenly traveling in, "Tell me all about that!"

"Naw, I'd probably bore you to tears." Bugs replied, disappointing Minerva slightly as he continued, "Besides, I made dozens of them old pictures. I'm not sure I could pin most of them down these days."

"Alright, alright." Minerva said, closing both eyes as she tried to regain control of the conversation, "No more shop talk, then. Let's just talk about us. Our personal lives. What we do in our spare time."

"Oh!" Bugs exclaimed, relaxing a bit more, "That's easy. I been spending a lot of time down at that there... Boop place. The place with the open-mic stage for out-of work toons. People still love my stuff down there. It's great. You?"

"Well, I have to do a lot of work to make my fur look this good." Minerva replied, "Then there's exercise every single day, and most days I take a walk into town. The public streets have pretty much been my open-mic stage for the last several years. People fall all over themselves whenever I walk by."

"Yeah, I'll bet." Bugs replied with a smile, "You got any friends?"

"Yeah. A bunch." Minerva replied, "Trudy, and Genevieve, and Annette... Oh! Plus, I'm pen pals with Pinky."

"Pinky? As in Pinky and the Brain Pinky? I gotta admit, Minerva, I never saw that one coming."

"Yeah, I know he seems kind of dim, but culturally, he's actually really bright, and he's so bold and upbeat. Sometimes I think he knows more than he lets people see."

"Well, I gotta take your word for that." Bugs replied, "Me, I lost track of most of the old guys. Daffy... He's still hanging on, but the only other one I really talk to anymore is Sam."

"Sam?" Minerva asked, flabbergasted, "As in Yosemite Sam? I can't believe you just said that!"

"Yeah, he is kinda a dope." Bugs replied, "But me and him have had so many great fights on film... It's hard to just stop talkin' about it, you know?"

"No! I know. I mean, I wouldn't ask you to stop." Minerva replied in a hurry, "That's an important part of your past. I wouldn't just throw it away."

Bugs nodded, finishing his carrot juice.

"Hey, mack!" he exclaimed to the waiter, who was just passing by, "Can I have a refill of this scrump-tee-us carrot juice?"

The waiter couldn't hear Bugs at all, however, largely because he'd caught sight of Minerva, and his brain and nervous system were doing jumping jacks inside him as his heart pounded like a pair of bongos.

"Uh, mack? Mack, you okay?" Bugs asked again and again, but the man wasn't okay at all. His heart was emptying of loneliness and despair, and filling with love as he stared, slack-jawed, at Minerva.

"HEY, MACK!" Bugs shouted with approximately the volume level of a foghorn, which finally drew the waiter's attention, but by that time, Bugs was truly upset.

"Ain't nobody ever told you that it ain't polite to stare at another man's date?"

"Your... Your date?" the waiter asked, "NO! It can't be! She's too beautiful! I've never seen anyone like her! I can't lose her!"

"Now, listen you!" Bugs exclaimed, standing on the table to look the waiter right in the eyes, "I got half a mind to sock you right between your over-sized peepers!"

That wasn't just a jibe, of course, as the man's eyes did seem to have swelled while he'd been staring at Minerva Mink.

"You can go ahead and try it!" the man exclaimed, "She's the first thing I've ever seen that's worth fighting for!"

"Let's take this outside!" Bugs exclaimed, his face positively red.

"Yeah! Lets!" the man replied, and Bugs followed him to the front door, where the man, clenching both fists, stepped outside. Then, the red draining instantly from his face, and a much calmer, controlled expression settling over Bugs' features, he closed the front door to the cafe behind the waiter, and turned the switch on the back to lock it, then sat back down in the booth, calm as could be.

"I can't believe you just did that!" Minerva exclaimed with a giggle, "That was SO funny!"

"Eh, I do it all the time. It's no big deal." Bugs replied.

"Nobody else has ever done that for me." Minerva replied, fighting to keep from laughing anymore over it, "It may be normal to you, but to me, it makes this date the single most awesome date on Earth. But it'd make it more awesome if the shining knight, have rescued his princess, got a big kiss as a reward..."

Both of Bugs' ears stood directly upright when she said that, and he leaned forward across the booth, before something occurred to him.

"In a minute, Minerva. We'd better leave. That guy's gonna be comin' in the back entrance any minute."

So, just at the precise second when the waiter ducked around to the back of the building, Bugs unlocked the front entrance, and he and his stunning date left the restaurant, got into her car, and sped off towards her house.

* * *

Back at Minerva's house, Bugs walked with her, up to her front door, then said, "Well, Minerva, I gotta say, it's been a blast. If you're ever in the mood for another date, you got my number."

"Yeah..." Minerva replied, feeling delighted and overwhelmed all at once, then exclaimed, "Oh, you HAVE to kiss me before you go! Just one! If I kiss you, you'll survive! I know it!"

So, under the light of the lamp that lit Minerva's front doorstep, Bugs Bunny leaned forward, and Minerva grabbed his furry, whiskered cheeks in both hands, and gave him what she normally considered to be her "wonder kiss." It was a kiss so passionate, that she'd never allowed it to touch another living thing; a kiss that could make wooden dummies explode into fireworks displays; a kiss right on the lips that would have literally killed any normal man, who wasn't immune to her enchanting charm, and as the kiss ended, it was plain that Bugs had weakened. He was stumbling, with both eyes in the shape of hearts as Minerva let him go. Immune to her power or not, he was still feeling like a baby in her arms, so she shot him one last wink as she wished him good night, then closed the front door, and left him to regain his senses on her doorstep, and find his own way home. Minerva Mink knew he wouldn't be doing much more talking for the rest of the night, but nonetheless, she was sure she'd see him again soon.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Wow! That really was the most awesome date on Earth. For a toon, anyway. I'm sure I'll see Bugs again, but next issue, it's another cartoon. Newt and I worked together on this one, and it's all about the development of mankind during the stone age. That may not sound too compelling, but I think many of you will find it enjoyable. That's on the next Minktales, so I'll see you then!"


	51. Issue 51: Stone Rage

Minktales

Issue 51

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Stone Rage"

Minerva Mink sighed as she left her log house in the woods. She could hear the birds chirping in the trees, then whistling in her direction as she strode seductively towards the clearing at the edge of the woods. She was dressed mostly in a single red piece of fur, that went over one shoulder and was tied up at the waist with a vine, but covered just enough, that the animals watching her were safe, if somewhat tantalized by the sight. Minerva wasn't really happy with the state of the clothes she had on, or with her lack of shoes or decent accessories, but then, it was the stone age. Certain things had to be accepted.

As Minerva stepped out of her woodland home into the clearing, she could see the humans off on one side of the clearing, working on sharpening sticks with rocks. It made Minerva a little nervous to see them at work like that sometimes, but it was their only means of obtaining food, so she supposed they sort of had to. There was another creature they'd already managed to train to gather food for them, however, and that creature was named "dog."

That particular dog, however, was called Newt. Newt was different from other dogs in a few ways. For one thing, he was generally considered to be a bit more clever than other dogs, and his success at hunting was far more marked as a result. Because of that, Newt was often relied on to help bring in the most elusive and difficult animals in the wild, and there was no animal harder to bring in than Minerva Mink herself.

For that reason among others, Newt had set his sights on Minerva Mink, and made the decision to try to catch her. Quickly, he grabbed a big, wooden club from nearby and began to duck in and out of trees as Minerva moved to the river and pulled a pile of furs from behind her back, dunking them in the river one after another as she hummed to herself. Newt, meanwhile, approached from behind, holding his club in both arms. At last, as she looked away, Newt raised his club over his head, and prepared to swing, when Minerva Mink spun around with a big smile and said "Oh! That's perfect! Stay just like that!"

The moment her face was turned towards him, Newt's emotions flew into a whirlwind. He was captivated and hypnotized by the vision that sat before him on the bank of the river, with the piles of clothes on either side of her. She had no makeup, no shoes and no lipstick. Even shampoo hadn't been invented yet, but Newt couldn't move. He just couldn't hit her! As he looked, helpless, into her big, gorgeous eyes, he knew that he was no longer in control of his own feelings, but he couldn't attach a name to what he was feeling at all.

"That's just what I needed! Thanks!" Minerva said, rushing up to Newt and draping her wet clothes over the club he was holding, one fur at a time. It made it that much harder for Newt to hold the heavy club, but he still couldn't move.

Newt stood like that, with his club raised up and wet clothes hanging on it, weighing it down for hours before the clothes were dry and Minerva removed them, then thanked him with a peck on the forehead, incapacitating him for even more hours in the most predictable fashion. Still, Newt learned something from the experience. Upon waking up, Newt realized that getting Minerva wouldn't be as easy as just walking up and clubbing her. He had to be sneaky.

* * *

The following day, after having mostly recovered from his ordeal, Newt heard Minerva again, headed for a dip in her local pond, and quickly produced a bag of man-eating piranhas from behind his back. They might well finish her off completely, but at least he'd have won! Dropping them all into the water at once, Newt watched them swim in her direction and chuckled to himself, as the sounds of the humans trying to use their makeshift spears to catch food filled the air nearby. Minerva shook her head sadly upon hearing their futile attempts, and stood up, but just then, the piranhas appeared, their normally-somber mouths being twisted unnaturally into grins as they looked up at her out of the water.

"Now, now." Minerva said to them as she stepped from the water, "It's not nice to peep on people."

Quickly, the piranhas started swimming back and forth in worry, but Minerva recognized their agitation and said "Well, I'm sure you didn't mean it. Still, if that person who did this were here right now, I'm sure you nice, polite fish could teach him better conduct."

Immediately, the piranhas headed for shore, and in moments, Newt was running through the woods, with piranhas attached to his arms and legs, until he managed to shake them loose. One of them landed on a tree trunk, another on the club Newt had been trying to use the day before.

Only a moment later, one of the cavemen; Luh by name, picked up that very club to go help his friends hunt, but realized that it had a fish on one end. He pulled and pulled at the fish, but it wouldn't let go, and eventually, the struggle ended with a very toothless fish, and a club with many sharp piranha teeth sticking out of one end. Luh shook the club once or twice, trying to dislodge the teeth. He even tried to remove them with his fingers once, but they were too sharp, so he soon gave up. Soon, however, he saw his friends in the hunting party fleeing the place they'd been hunting in as a wolf approached, clearly intending to fight back against the hunters, and seemingly far more skilled than they were; equipped with greater speed, better senses and sharper weapons, it was a terror among the people. Still, Luh was among the bravest of his tribe, and charged the wolf with his new club, swinging it in a wide arc...

* * *

A few minutes later, once Newt had nursed his bite-marks a little, he decided to make another attempt. Minerva was looking for colorful stones to decorate her windowsill with, just inside the canyons near the human encampment, and Newt watched from the top of one of the canyon walls, standing right next to a perfectly-round boulder.

From that high up, Newt couldn't make out enough specifics to fall victim to her power, but he could see where she was easily enough, and quickly rushed over to the boulder, timing it just right, and pushed it off the cliff.

Minerva continued to smile happily as she sorted through the stones, and moved an old log to the side with one hand, on top of a rock about the size of a man's torso. There weren't any very good stones in the ditch where the log had been, so she tried to move it back, only to discover that it had become wedged in the cliff-side.

"Oh, well." Minerva muttered, as the boulder came down on the other side of the log with a crash, turning to walk away, but Minerva noticed the crashing noise, and turned around to see something amazing happening.

The other side of the log was wedged into the cliff-side, and the middle braced against a large rock, the boulder had collided with the side furthest from the cliff face, bending the log downward. Then, in a moment more, the log shot back up resiliently, and so did the big rock, finally landing on the cliff-side that it had come from, right on top of Newt, then rolling back down over the cliff again, the poor dog in tremendous pain. Once more, the boulder came down on the unintentionally-made lever, and that time, it was flung at a slightly different angle, Newt sliding off it in mid-flight, to plummet dozens of yards towards a plain, where a hundred wild horses were grazing...

* * *

Luh had carried the wolf back to his tribe, very pleased with his feat, and had received much acclaim by his people for his fantastic accomplishment, but soon, a horse came galloping right through their encampment, and it had Newt riding on its back. Luh was fascinated as he watched that happen, and determined to try it out for himself soon...

* * *

Eventually, Newt had decided to just cut down a tree right next to Minerva's house, thus crushing it, and probably her with it. He'd found a big, sturdy-looking, sharp-edged rock, and started cutting away at the tree trunk until it was worn down to a much smaller stone, and the trunk of the tree was nearly all the way cut. All it needed was one good push to topple over and crush her house, and Newt was definitely in the mood to...

"Hey, it's my friend from yesterda-oh, my goodness! It's perfect!"

Newt froze. Minerva had snuck up on him from behind, and caught him off guard, snatching the stone from his hand joyously as he turned to look at her, and froze helplessly again.

"Oh, thank you!" she exclaimed in delight, "This is just the kind of stone I needed to complete my set! This will be just right on my windowsill. Thank you!"

Then, Minerva grabbed Newt right around the chest and back, and planted a big kiss right on his lips. After only a moment of that, Newt started to tremble helplessly, as his eyes and cheeks started expanding, as if the emotions that Minerva shot out were filling his head physically, and Minerva was a little worried, backing away as Newt's head exploded into a hundred flaming parts, only re-forming into Newt's head once he was already unconscious on the ground, and the tree he'd been trying to cut down had burst into flames and collapsed, not on Minerva's house, but into the center of the human encampment.

Many of the humans fled the bright blaze, but Luh's wolf had been caught under it, and he intended to retrieve it. Quickly grabbing a nearby log, Luh wedged it under the burning tree and slowly rolled it off the burned wolf, the flesh of which had since turned brown, but what really drew Luh's attention was that as he'd put the wood up against the fire, the fire had spread to the wood as well.

Quickly, Luh gathered branches and logs from the forest into a small pile, in the center of the human encampment and threw his own flaming log onto the pile, watching in satisfaction as it caught, then sat before it, staring at it in awe. The flames had scared so many of the humans... Could it scare away the wild animals? If so, he would never dare to let it go out...

* * *

Minerva Mink smiled as she looked on, watching the fundamentals of science being created before her eyes, and whispered to herself "Well, it's not shampoo, but it's a start."

Then, Minerva Mink returned to her log house, ready to get some rest and prepare for the following day.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I definitely had fun making that cartoon, and I think Newt did too, but next issue, Newt has decided to make another attempt against me, this time while I'm visiting the local aquarium, looking for some inner peace. I'll see you then."


	52. Issue 52: Aquarium Assault

Minktales

Issue 52

"Aquarium Assault"

People turned to look in curiosity as the figure slid by them. Some were irritated, others spooked by the robed and hooded person who drifted past them, occasionally stopping to read a plaque about the fish contained in the local tanks. From under the hood, Minerva Mink smiled at the peace and serenity she was, on the whole, observing. The fish of an aquarium were fed, cared for and shielded from predators, so naturally, peace was inevitably found within those calm waters, but as she stepped into a relatively secluded section, and removed her hood, half the fish in the nearby tank reacted by pushing their faces up against the glass, to stare at her stunning image. It totally disrupted the peace, so Minerva put her hood back on, and the fish, having mercifully-short memories, returned to swimming back and forth.

Minerva always wore her robes in places as public as museums, zoos and aquariums. There were just too many people around. If she hadn't worn them, every man in the place would have followed her around in a crowd, greatly limiting her freedom of movement, and as she'd just demonstrated, it would have been disruptive to the fish as well.

However, there was another, worse disruptive influence at work that day. Newt watched Minerva move up and down the ramps surrounding the aquarium's central tank chambers, watching the fish swim by, and smiled to himself. She'd put her robe on, and that meant she was at her weakest, and there was no one to protect her. Snickering to himself, Newt put on his mink-proof glasses, and slid into a shark disguise, then zipped it up in the back, and marched up to Minerva, intent upon grabbing her with the shark suit. However, he was no more than a few yards from her when she turned and saw him.

"Oh, no!" she exclaimed unenthusiastically, "It's a shark! Oh, dear! What will I do?"

Newt chuckled, mistaking her exclamations for genuine worry, until an enormous, metal arm descended on him from above and yanked him into the shark tank with a splash.

"There you are, miss!" the man at the winch controls said, "Sorry about that."

However, Newt was sorrier, because as he drifted in the shark tank, with water seeping into his shark suit from all around, he could see actual sharks all turning as one, and heading in his direction, and in a moment, his shark suit was ruined, and he himself was in great pain.

* * *

Newt's next plot, once he'd got free of the large, hungry sharks, had been inspired by them. Waiting until Minerva was standing near the top of the shark tank, looking down, Newt snuck up behind her and shoved her from behind, watching as the robed figure plunged into the water, her robe drifting away in the process.

The winch operator tried to get her out, but before he could, Minerva was being circled by sharks, and they all moved closer, then, their heads peeked up out of the water.

Their tongues hung out as they stared at her in dumbfounded awe.

"Say, would one of you sharks get me my robe?" Minerva asked, at which point, all of them rushed for the bottom of the tank to retrieve the fallen piece of cloth, then handed the soaked robe to Minerva as she stepped out.

"Oh, dear." Minerva muttered in mock-distress, "Now I'm all wet."

At once, the sharks all pulled out very large hair driers, an pretty soon, she was dry again, and so was her robe.

"I wonder how I fell in." Minerva muttered, putting her robe back on, as half of the people all around her stared helplessly, "That was a shocking experience."

The sharks, however, knew what had happened, and turned to face Newt. Once again, he was shortly in a great deal of pain, from a shark-related source.

* * *

Soon, however, Newt was back with another plan, that one involving the winch. While the man who normally operated the winch was off on break, Newt seized the controls and began moving the winch towards Minerva, who was walking back down one of the nearby aquarium ramps. Just as she and the end of the winch moved out of sight, Newt activated the claw, and felt it catch on something, then pulled it up, to sounds of gasping and panting from men and boys below. Newt wasn't sure why that was until he saw that all he'd caught with his latest winch attempt was Minerva's robe.

Quickly, Minerva Mink was at the winch, and spotted Newt, then looked just a little forgiving as she snatched the robe from him, and put it on.

"If you're that desperate to see my without the concealing robe, you know you can just visit me at home..." Minerva said, leaning over Newt, and running her fingers along his chest in an upwards direction, disturbing the natural shape of his fur. In only a moment, Newt had transformed into a stick of dynamite, and Minerva walked off down the ramp again, as an explosion shook the whole fish tank underneath them.

* * *

Minerva Mink was feeling pretty good about herself as she moved through the fish tanks and into the amphibian area, which had many pictures of various frogs, toads and other creatures corresponding to the creatures themselves that dwelt in the shallows below the railing. Even there, however, things were peaceful, and Minerva watched as the frogs croaked softly, moving from one rock to another, and frequenting the water as well. Soon, though, she saw an area that was covered by a screen, and peered inside at the animals it contained; a type of frog from some far-off country that could leap huge distances. Minerva smiled as she looked at them, but she didn't know that Newt, who'd recovered from his recent injuries, both physical and emotional, had begun making small cuts in the netting.

"Soon I'll have cut through this netting completely." he thought silently to himself at he cut "Then it'll tip over right on top of her, and I can take her with me in the net!"

However, as Newt cut the last piece of the net, hearing a satisfying "oomph!" from Minerva, as it fell onto the observation platform above, the frogs inside all began leaping in his direction, and he felt like he was on fire all at once, though he wasn't sure why, until he read the sign describing the frogs.

"Acid-skinned pain leaper. Though non-lethal, it's every touch makes pre-existing injuries feel a hundred times worse."

"Ow! Ow! Owowow!" Newt screamed, leaping off the observation path and into the water, to try to wash off the acidic chemicals, as the frogs continued bombarding him.

In a few moments more, Minerva got out from under the net, and she wasn't hurt, but she was a little irritated. The aquarium, she thought, had become very dangerous recently.

* * *

Newt had one more plan, just as Minerva was about to leave the aquarium. Watching carefully as she approached the exit, he set up a trap. When she went through the exit, the trap would react, clamping down on her leg, and yanking her upwards, towards the ceiling. From there, she could be easily retrieved and captured in any number of ways, so Newt was pretty pleased with his plan, as he hid behind the door frame and waited, until he heard a snap.

Delighted, Newt went to look at the trap, and his face fell at what he saw. Instead of Minerva, the creature caught in his trap was one of the sharks who'd been attacking him before. Newt's expression turned to greater resignation as the shark's mouth came down on him once again, and he was waved back and forth helplessly by shark teeth very painfully for several seconds, before he was flung several dozen yards through the air into a local amphibian enclosure, just as it was being closed.

Several hours later, long after Minerva Mink had left the aquarium herself, a family passed by that tank, and looked inside.

"Dear, does that newt look a little different from the others to you?" the mother of the family asked.

"Well, a little." the father replied, looking at Newt oddly, "But it is a tank full of newts after all. I'm sure they wouldn't put a newt in there unless they knew what they were doing, honey."

Then, the family moved on, just like all the others, and Newt was left in the newt tank with all the actual newts, continuing to mope as he waited for the shift to end, and the feeding people to come by and open the tank, so that he could get out and start making plans again. After all, Minerva Mink had invited Newt to come over to her house at any point, and he couldn't pass an invitation like that up...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I definitely enjoyed the peace and quiet while it lasted, but I don't think I'll be getting anymore peace for a while. You see, October's coming up, and next issue, and for all the issues in October, I'm going to find myself face to face with the strange, fantastic and unnatural, even for a toon. In the next issue, I'll find myself at an old castle, looking for a place to spend the night, but is it safe for me to let my guard down, or will I have to fight this battle in a different kind of way? See you then!"


	53. Issue 53: A Lovely Place to Visit

Minktales

Issue 53

"A Lovely Place to Visit"

The rain grew more intense as Minerva Mink drove down the road, looking for a good place to stop. She was definitely lost, and had no sure way of getting back home, so all that really mattered was finding a hotel or something, to park her car and stay at for a while until the rain let up; maybe even a place to sleep, so that she wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel.

However, as Minerva continued driving, the top up on her red convertible, she found she was encountering fewer and fewer houses, or indeed, structures of any sort. The landscape was becoming bare and forbidding; almost scorched-looking, as if it had been somehow cursed or blighted, and a single, dark structure was appearing over the horizon. It was only a shadow at first, which, as Minerva drew closer, resolved itself into a massive, towering castle.

Pulling up to the castle's gates, Minerva got out and looked up in awe at its battlements, as she stood by her car in the rain. It was a truly huge castle, probably full of great halls and enormous chambers for dining, cooking and reading, and maybe even more. Besides, the rustic, ancient-medieval charm that all castles had was most definitely present in that one.

"If only" Minerva thought, "this castle's owner will let me stay."

Quickly, hoping her makeup wouldn't run in the rain, Minerva Mink approached the castle and knocked on the large, oak set of double doors that were clearly intended to be an entryway. However, she'd needed to knock a second, and a third time before the doors were opened from within, and out came a man to greet her.

The man was about six feet tall; maybe a little taller, and he had long, black hair with a short mustache. His features and muscle structure looked very powerful and pronounced, even under the fine suit that he was wearing, which was black and white, and of just the sort of style that one might be expected to wear to a formal function, like a big charity event. However, as handsome as the man was, he also had something else that Minerva rarely saw in men. When he looked her in the eyes, there was neither fear nor nervousness. In fact, he had the look in his eyes of a tiger or a wolf surveying the world as something, not to be lived in, but to be claimed. Clearly, that man was some sort of adventurer or explorer.

"Can I help you in some way, my dear?" the man asked.

"Yes." Minerva replied, trying her best to sound like a damsel in distress, and thus appeal to his clear notions of chivalry, "It's so wet and cold out here... Are you the owner of this fine castle?"

"I am." the man replied, smiling with his mouth closed.

"I need a place to put my car, and a place to stay for a few hours or so..." Minerva said, "Does your castle have accommodations that would be appropriate?"

"That is what my castle is for." the man said, holding the door open for Minerva with a flourish, "Your presence in here is welcome; for a night, or forever..."

The proposition wasn't uncommon, however, Minerva was surprised, and impressed by how casually he said those things. The man was making such presumptuous proposals, as though he couldn't, in any way, be overwhelmed by her presence. He was speaking as if her appearance was having no emotional impact on him at all. He was just plain being genial to a woman in good faith, for all she could tell, and that was, in her experiences, very rare.

As soon as Minerva had stepped inside, and the man closed the door, he spoke, saying "I believe that before I provide you with any hospitality, however, it makes some sense to proceed with introductions first."

"Oh! I'm sorry." Minerva exclaimed, "My name is Minerva Mink."

"You may call me Lord Vincent Tapir Dacine." he said, though Minerva was fairly sure it was a pseudonym for something, "Now, I'm sure you must be hungry and tired. I will have dinner prepared for you in the dining room, and a room for you upstairs. There's no need for you to let me know when you're finished with either of those activities, or when you decide to leave. Those are all your own business, although..."

For a moment, Vincent paused, but seemed to think better of whatever he'd been about to say, as he spoke again.

"I will be doing some reading for much of the remainder of tonight, but I suspect I'll see you before you leave."

Then, Vincent left through a nearby doorway, taking only a moment to point out to Minerva the locations of the dining room and guest quarters.

* * *

Minerva had to admit that it had been a long time since she'd had such truly good food, although the ambiance left something to be desired. Everything was decorated with old statues and paintings of a somewhat dark aesthetic, and there were old windows across one of the dining room walls, which opened quickly and easily, but no mirrors, which Minerva found a little oppressive, as she always loved looking at herself in the mirror. Eventually, she just had to make do with the hand mirror in her purse, although she thought she'd probably overeaten a little at dinner. Still, the important thing was that it did no harm to her appearance, so she was perfectly satisfied, as she headed to the room she'd been assigned.

The room she'd been given, however, was no more tastefully decorated, unfortunately. All kinds of old sculptures and pictures of angels and daemons in conflict, that had long since fallen into disrepair. Minerva found it quite tacky, but still, it was functional, so she decided to settle down and get some rest, then talk to Vince about it in the morning.

If nothing else, the bed was very soft, and it didn't take long for Minerva Mink to fall asleep, drifting off into dreams about houses full of mirrors and makeup cases. She'd barely been asleep for half an hour, however, before the windows of her room opened of their own accord, and in drifted the figure of Vincent Dacine, otherwise known as the lord of darkness; Count Vlad Tepes Dracula. Smiling in a way that revealed his fangs, Dracula approached the sleeping Mink. He could see her breathing deeply as she lay there, a clear sign that she was still asleep, and bent over her slowly.

Of course, there was powerful magic surrounding Minerva Mink that effected the hearts of whoever was nearby, but a vampire has no heart, and so Dracula had not been effected by her power. True love coursed through her veins, but he had every intention of taking her for his own. Swiftly, the vampire opened his mouth, causing his fangs the glisten in the dim light of the moon, and Minerva convulsed slightly, as the vampire lord's fangs sank into her throat.

For several seconds, Minerva trembled as the blood left her veins and entered the body of the vampire. Dracula smiled as he felt her powers resonating mightily within himself, but soon, his smile vanished, and he himself began trembling, feeling so helpless and afraid that he had to back away. He could feel, for once, an emotion overwhelming him from within, in a way it had never done before. He had absorbed much of Minerva's blood into himself, but that wasn't all. For the first time in his un-life, Dracula felt true love filling him through and through, and it was more powerful than anything he'd ever experienced. He had the power to command the creatures of the night, to fly through the sky, to command the weather, and yet, the love that he was feeling then was still too powerful for him!

His whole body convulsing in fear and confusion, Dracula flung himself back out the window and into the night sky, not to be seen in those parts for many months, and when he finally did return, much about him and his world view had been changed.

* * *

The following afternoon, Minerva Mink woke up, feeling dizzy and hungry, so she looked around for the kitchen until she found something to eat. Minerva found, in the kitchen, an apple, some bread and a few slices of frozen meat. A minute or so later, with the small loaf of bread in one hand, the apple and meat in her stomach, and feeling some or her strength returning, Minerva left the castle and never looked back.

"It was an absolutely lovely place to visit," she thought as she left in her convertible, the rain having long since finished its descent, "but I wouldn't want to stay there forever."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I've got back home anyway, and that was definitely a very interesting night, but next time on Minktales, I'm doing another cartoon. This one's a Halloween cartoon about a different type of world, where a crazy, but brilliant scientist was trying to design the most perfect life form that had ever existed by combining all the most fantastic parts of other life forms, but it looks like he may have been a little more successful than he thought."


	54. Issue 54: Constructed

Minktales

Issue 54

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Constructed"

All through the laboratory, electrodes pulsed and beakers of fluid bubbled as Doctor Guegelheim finished the modifications on his machine. All of the most amazing, powerful, beautiful parts of everything found in nature had been combined into one, until at last his creation was complete. It was a creature that could exceed man; a creature that would be a super-being, and although its beauty was great in pre-life, as the machines jolted to life, raising life from its body as well, it seemed to grow more and more beautiful every second...

Doctor Guegelheim realized too late what had happened, and rushed from the lab in terror, slamming the door shut behind him. He had created the most perfect being that had ever lived!

* * *

The creature stepped from the slab with a light, dainty tap, looking around at the world, and feeling the electric charge of the machines continuing to friz up her hair. She moved over to a nearby window, and tried to use it as a mirror, but was stunned by how fantastically beautiful she was.

"Look at me!" she exclaimed, shocked and delighted, "Why, I'm perfect!"

Elated at her discovery, the creature decided to give herself a name. Minerva, she eventually decided, would be the best name for someone who was perfect, as she grabbed a lab coat from nearby, and put it on. It wasn't exactly fashionable, but it was something. She could worry about clothing design once she got her bearings.

Swiftly, Minerva moved over to the far side of the room and pushed open the big, wooden doors, hearing something splinter under her hands as the enormous doors swung open, revealing a terrified man in a lab coat.

"Hey, there." Minerva said, stepping lightly over the once-locked doorway in his direction, "Are you my father, big guy?"

"D-d-doctor Guegelheim." he muttered against his own active will, as she drew closer to him.

"Very good." she said, like a mother doting over a young baby, "Now, I'm sure you don't want me to starve in my first moments of life, right?"

Guegelheim couldn't speak, but he fled, his own will gone, to the kitchen to fix up something for his child, who had, in moments after being brought to life, become his mistress.

* * *

Guegelheim was a surprisingly good cook, for a scientist, though Minerva finished only one plate of what he offered her, then told him she was alright, and watched in glee as he rushed to do the dishes and put everything away. She spent that time rifling through as many of his books as she could find, and picking up what she thought she needed to know about society, people and the world. At last, when she went into the kitchen, she found him finished with the dishes and cowering; terrified, in a corner. He loved her more than anything he'd ever seen, felt or experienced, and he was afraid of what that love would make him do.

"What's it like out in town?" Minerva asked, looking down from the hill that Doctor Guegelheim's house stood on.

"People down there thought I was foolish to t-try to create life." Guegelheim said nervously, as he followed her helplessly around.

"Well, father..." Minerva replied, "I think maybe it's time I showed them a thing or two."

* * *

Guegelheim was, at the very least, grateful that he hadn't been asked to accompany Minerva on her trip into town, although she had discovered and worn a t-shirt reading "I was designed by Doctor Guegelheim." At the very least, the fact that she was leaving him alone, without instructions to the contrary made it possible for him to start packing his bags and trying to flee the country.

Minerva, meanwhile, was enjoying her very first evening on the town. She swept happily into town, nearly dancing with joy as she moved, and wherever she went, men and boys turned to stare, or even followed her from one place to another, captivated almost to the point of hypnosis by her beauty. Minerva first went to the local restaurant and had some fruit juices, as over two dozen people stared at her helplessly the whole time. Then, she moved into the village common, disrupting a celebration of some sort, that was going on that evening, as every man marching or playing a musical instrument stopped what they were doing to stare at that supernatural vision, including the local priest, who tried to chant some sort of prayer for strength, but the words faded into meaningless babble as Minerva walked by him.

At last, Minerva did a beautiful dance (the only kind of dance she was capable of) and took a bow, then left town, to return to Guegelheim's mansion, unaware that women from all over town were gathering up torches and long, sharp objects...

* * *

However, as Minerva returned to the mansion, she was sad to find that her father had left, running away from her at the moment when she'd been so eager to talk to him.

"Men!" she muttered angrily, as she threw an easy chair across the room with a single flick of her wrist, "So attached to their independence that they'll run from the best thing that's ever happened to them!"

So, Minerva packed a few things from Guegelheim's house into a small knapsack, and soon, she was off, not looking back at that house. Before long, she found a nice, new house. It was an old log that had been made into a house by some previous occupant. She approached it quickly, but the women of the village had already picked up her trail, and were pursuing her with murderous intent in their eyes.

Minerva had only had a few moments to settle into her new home, when she saw the light of the torches approaching, and realized that she had to make a stand against those poor, misguided women. Opening the front door, Minerva Mink slowly, delicately stepped towards them. At last, when the first few members of that large, angry mob were only a couple yards away from her, Minerva spoke to them.

"Well, it's always nice to have visitors. Can I help any of you with anything?"

Minerva's calm, peaceful tones soothed the burning rage that had driven all those women to march outside in the middle of the night, but they did have legitimate grievances with her.

"You marched into town and stole the attention of my husband away from me during a date!" one woman exclaimed.

"Yes, mine too!" another said.

Several seemed to think that what she'd done to the minister was appalling, while at least three thought that she'd led their little boys away like the pied piper.

"Now, now. I didn't mean to cause trouble." Minerva replied, "I can't help it if guys fall all over me. That's just the way I was made, and I'm sure your loved ones will return to you soon, if you're worried about that."

Most of the women were somewhat pacified by those words, but they didn't start putting out their torches until Minerva spoke again, saying "Tell you what. I'll promise to be more careful who I show myself to in your town from now on, okay?"

The women seemed to think that was a decent compromise, although several of them marched off in a new direction, and Minerva could see where they were headed. They were pursuing Doctor Guegelheim.

However, though all the others left, one woman stayed, and when, after over a minute, she'd said nothing, Minerva found herself having to ask "Can I do anything to help you?"

"My name is Sarah Guegelheim, and I'm Doctor Guegelheim's sister. Why did you have to let them know? You drove him out of his own house, you know..."

"Well, he can have it back, now that I've found one of my own." Minerva replied with a dismissive tilt of her head, but Sarah wasn't finished.

"Some of those women still want revenge. They're not going to stop until they've caught up to my brother and punished him for creating you. Doesn't that make you sad in the least?"

It seemed, however, that that thought hadn't occurred to Minerva, because she looked very surprised.

"Oh, dear." she muttered aloud, "I hope they don't hurt him too badly. He may have left me alone, but he's still my father."

"And you're an unnatural living creature," Sarah continued, "but when it comes down to it... you're still my niece, aren't you?"

"Are you okay with that?" Minerva asked, looking her right in the eyes, but Sarah was obviously still upset.

"If my brother ever gets back here alive, and he's in danger because of you," Sarah said aloud, "I want you to stand by his side and defend him. If you do that, I'll have no problem considering you my niece."

Then, Sarah Guegelheim left Minerva that night, and as Minerva closed the door in her new log house, she really had a lot to think about...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Wow. I enjoyed making that cartoon. It was comic, delightful and silly and yet... emotional. That's the sort of thing you can only see at Emotionutty, but next time on Minktales, I'm about to discover something very strange in my neighborhood. Right in my house, in fact. Things are moving from where I put them, and at last, it becomes a major inconvenience until I can't get anything done! But, who can I call when I have to deal with... Well, with ghosts? There may be only one really intelligent person who can I can rely on to help me with this problem. Hope to see you there."


	55. Issue 55: Ghost of a Chance

Minktales

Issue 55

"Ghost of a Chance"

It started as a small thing. Minerva Mink kept losing things and couldn't find them, then discovered them in places she wouldn't ever have put them.

However, after a couple weeks of that, things started to become more serious. She'd heard chairs or tables moving through the room, and then, when she turned to look, there was no one there, but the furniture was definitely in the wrong place. At last, Minerva saw it happening after about a week more of those disturbances, and watched the chairs, cups and plates moving by themselves, then gasped as the refrigerator moved forward about a foot, and the occurrences stopped.

"Alright." Minerva said, "That's the way it is... Well, I'm not scared of ghosts!"

* * *

The following day, Minerva arrived back home from a day of shopping with several blessed items to hang around the house, and a few other ghost-fighting items. Quickly, she moved to hang a cross on one wall, and a small string of rosary beads on another, when she heard a noise and turned around, finding that the last item she'd hung up had fallen to the floor.

"Perfect," She muttered, "Okay, let's play hardball."

Quickly, Minerva went around the room, putting down candles on most available, flat surfaces, remembering an old story she'd heard, where ghosts were only visible by firelight. Quickly, she pulled out a book of matches and lit one, but it went out almost at once, so she lit another. It was the same response. At last, with the third one, she managed to light the candle, but it only burned for a moment before it went out.

"Alright." Minerva said angrily, "Fine, then!"

With that, Minerva Mink pulled a large flame thrower from behind her back and was just about to set the candle, and probably her whole kitchen table ablaze, when the flame thrower flew from her hands, and into the air, and so did she.

Minerva was, for the first time in her whole life, making contact with nothing, and for a few seconds, she hung upside-down in mid-air, and had to grab the edges of her skirt to keep them where she wanted them to be, against the force of gravity. After about ten seconds in the air, however, Minerva fell to the floor with a thud, and when she got back up, she muttered, "I'm still not scared of ghosts... but they're really getting on my nerves!"

* * *

In fact, the ghosts were swiftly making life in Minerva Mink's log house unbearable. Food, furniture and cosmetics would move on their own, eluding Minerva with their attempts to stay out of her reach, until one day, when Minerva was hung in the air for nearly an hour, before she felt precious gravity again, and that was when she knew she had to do something about it, but she only knew one person with the non-standard smarts needed to tackle ghosts...

* * *

"So that's why I came to you." Minerva said, both hands clasped together as she implored him, "Please. You have to come over to my house... I... I really need your help."

"Hmm..." Newt replied, considering the ups and downs of following through on such a request, but then, Minerva lunged forward and grabbed his mink-proof glasses right off his face, and that was all that was needed. He was hers.

"Remember," Minerva said as Newt floated through the air after her, on a bed of cartoon hearts, "no glasses inside the house. I really, really need your help."

"A-anything for you, my sweet, golden rose blossom..." Newt replied, his eyes heart-shaped, as Minerva led him away from his dog house and into her log house, then closed the door behind them, and immediately floated into the air, instinctively grabbing her dress again, as it happened.

* * *

"My word!" Newt exclaimed, his tongue lying on, Minerva noticed with dismay, her nice, new carpet, "Is that... Uh... Do they always..."

"It didn't used to be very often. Now it happens almost all the time I'm in here." Minerva replied to Newt's half-spoken question as she continued to fly helplessly through the air.

"That must be a clue..." Newt said, quickly pulling out a bag of provisions, and retrieving another pair of mink glasses, to help him think clearly, as well as a device that closely resembled an Ipod.

"Alright..." Newt said thoughtfully, "There are definitely ghosts here. Many of them. In fact, I'd say there are more ghosts here than in anyplace I have ever seen."

"But, why are they after me?" Minerva asked as she hovered almost directly over Newt's head. In response to that inquiry, however, Newt just shot her a deeply sarcastic look.

"Alright. I deserved that," Minerva replied, floating closer to the front door, "but how do I get them to stop?"

"Well, ghosts are the spirits of people who have unfinished business, or so I've been led to believe." Newt explained, "So all we have to do is figure out what they want and give it to them. Then they'll quit hanging around."

"Unfinished business?" Minerva asked curiously, letting go of her dress for a moment in though, but quickly grabbing it again, before it could slide more than an inch upward, "Unfinished business to do with me?"

"Well, now that the whole world has seen you on television, it stands to reason that some of this world's older... male inhabitants may feel that that little taste wasn't enough. I know I alwa...Mmm."

Newt had been careful to stop himself from speaking the rest of that sentence, though Minerva understood what he'd been about to say. She took it well, though. It was embarrassing, but also a little flattering.

"Anyway," Newt continued, "Since an average of three people in this world die every second, and it's been almost a year that your show's been on, that could account for the large number of ghosts here."

"So the real question is, what exactly do they want from me?" Minerva asked, and at that moment, she heard the sound of something crashing to the marble floor in the bathroom. At once, Newt went to check it out, and nodded in understanding as he did so.

"What is it?" Minerva asked from mid-air in the next room.

"It's a bottle of old medicine. It's fallen onto the floor, and the liquid is spread on the bathroom floor, into writing."

"Writing?" Minerva asked, fascinated, "What does it say?"

"Pucker up." Newt replied, amused.

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" Minerva exclaimed, but as soon as she said that, she felt the force carrying her through the air start to become turbulent for a moment, before returning to its smooth, casual drift.

"It looks like there's no other way out." Newt replied, "All that desire you've been making a fortune off of had to go somewhere, I guess."

"You mean I'm supposed to kiss a ghost?"

"Why not? When you kiss people on the lips, it sends them to the afterlife with joy, right?"

"It might." Minerva replied, "I don't let it go that far."

"Well, now it has to go that far." Newt said, "I'll bet the ghosts are just waiting in line for one kiss with Minerva Mink, before heading off to the great beyond, and if they can't get that kiss, they're going to be very disappointed."

As Newt said that, the liquid on the floor behind him shaped itself into new words, reading "You better believe it," but he chose not to convey that to Minerva.

"So, I just have to pucker my lips and let them kiss me? Then they'll go away?"

"It's my best guess." Newt replied with a shrug.

"Well, alright." Minerva replied, shaking one finger sternly, as she kept her other hand clutching her dress tightly, "But first, I want them all to let me down very slowly and gently, then fix all the damage they did, alright?"

The message on the bathroom floor changed to read "okay."

"It looks like they agree." Newt said, as Minerva was gently righted, and lowered to the floor, then looked around nervously, still holding onto her dress with one hand.

At last, Minerva just said, "Okay. I hate this, but everybody better line up."

Minerva leaned forward, puckered up, and was instantly swept backwards by what felt like a blast of force. Then, she came to a very hard landing on the floor, and was up in only a moment more.

"What? What? What did I do wrong? What?"

Newt chuckled as he said "I don't think you did anything wrong. They were all just in a big hurry for that kiss, I guess."

"So they're all gone?" Minerva asked.

Newt turned to look into the bathroom, where the medicine had been put back into its container, which had been completely mended. The cracks in the glass had vanished, and it was back on the counter-top.

"It looks that way." Newt replied.

"So it's all over." Minerva said with a sigh.

"No. It's not over." Newt replied, causing Minerva's relieved smile to fall from her face at once, "Those ghosts showed up over the last year, and became a problem for you when they gathered enough strength as a group to effect things in your house. The ghosts are going to keep gathering here as an intermediate stop on their journey into the afterlife, if today was any indication, and in another year, you'll have the same problem again."

"So what do I do?" Minerva asked, looking lost.

"Simple." Newt replied, "Every night, before you go to bed, pucker up for about five seconds. That should keep everybody happy."

Minerva nodded, smiling again. It was a weird thing to have to deal with, but then, stranger things had happened, surrounding her life.

"Actually." Minerva said, "There is one more person I'd like to make happy..."

Slowly, finally letting go of her dress, Minerva Mink stepped outside, and Newt followed. Once both of them were outside, Minerva seized his glasses again, paralyzing him with love, as he stared at her in awe.

"Alright." Minerva said with a tender smile on her full, red lips, "You really helped me out in there, Newt. You gave me what I wanted, and now I'm giving you what you want..."

"Hominahominahomina..." Newt muttered until her lips came down on his, and his heart stopped.

Quickly, Minerva seized his ghost-detecting device and opened it, pulling out wires, and stuck them into either side of Newt's body. There was a jolt of electricity that made Newt glow bright yellow for a moment. Then, Minerva saw his chest moving up and down again and smiled. It had been a risk, but she was fairly sure that Newt, at least, would consider it a worthwhile one, and stepped back into her house again, about to go to bed for the night.

Newt was unconscious on the ground outside Minerva's house for almost two days, but although he was hungry, thirsty and very late when he woke up, he was also very, very happy.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Oh, wow. I can barely believe all this stuff I have to deal with. Next time on Minktales, though, I've decided to pay a visit to the most powerful and respected person on Earth, and I hope he'll be glad to see me, but when an experiment of his goes awry, I may find myself changing before the eyes of every man in the city. Anyway, I hope to see you there, because it's twisted fantasies, physical changes and glad reunions all around, and it's going to be the single biggest adventure I've ever had."


	56. Issue 56: Attack of the

Minktales

Issue 56

"Attack of the Five Hundred Foot Perfection"

Minerva had been trading letters with Pinky through the mail for several weeks, but hadn't actually dropped by Acme Labs, where Pinky and the Brain lived, in quite some time, so one day, when she was bored, she decided, on a whim, to visit them. Pinky's boldness and upbeat energy were a breath of fresh air, and as for the Brain... Well, aside from being the ruler of the world, which Minerva found just a little enticing, the Brain had once made a sacrifice for her of global proportions, something no one else had ever done. That alone had been sufficient to assure her that despite the Brain's lofty ambitions and goals, he was among the sweetest people she knew, and although he could be abrasive with those he knew were doing wrong, there was a lot of love in his heart.

Minerva knocked soundly on the door, and was impressed to find it opening on its own, then stepped inside, and found herself in perhaps the single most extensive scientific lab on planet Earth. A few weeks before, the Brain had, with a little help from one of Minerva's close friends, finally succeeded in taking over the world, and with the people of the world as his allies rather than his enemies, Acme Labs had become the most cutting-edge research center on the planet, and the Brain worked there, in more recent months, with some of the world's best minds in science. Everywhere, Minerva could see people rushing back and forth with experimental devices or components, making notes on clipboards, as power was run through conduits, energy filtered into containers, or scans made of this or that. The lab was as busy as a subway terminal, but in a much friendlier way. Everyone there seemed to enjoy the work they were doing, and smiled for much of the time, particularly when an experiment had produced the desired result.

There was one place in the lab where silence prevailed, however, and that was the clearing office, where the Brain himself worked. All day long, ingenious scientists would file through that office, showing the Brain their most brilliant inventions, and seeking his input, and all day long, he would show them ways of stabilizing fields, or speeding up processors, or making their machines more efficient in some way, and if he thought their invention was significant enough, he would sign the papers to have it put into production.

Of course, the Brain himself had invented more groundbreaking machines than any other scientist there, and he was just putting the finishing touches on one of them as Minerva stepped into his office. Pinky was chewing happily on a pencil eraser in one corner of the room, as the Brain slapped the metal casing closed on the ray device he'd finished, and froze in place the moment that he saw Minerva.

"M-m-miner-miner-er..." the Brain stuttered as she drew closer.

"In the flesh." she said with a casual flourish, "I thought I'd drop by and say hi."

"Hi, Minerva!" Pinky exclaimed with an enthusiastic laugh, as he continued chewing on the eraser. Brain found himself helplessly stunned by Minerva every time she stood in his presence, but Pinky didn't seem adversely effected by her breathtaking good looks at all.

"Actually, I just stopped by to see what you guys have been up to since you rose to power." Minerva said.

"Ooh! Lots of fun fun stuff!" Pinky exclaimed, "We used a friendship machine to bring peace to warning countries, and Brain cured the can-can! Narf!"

By that point, the Brain had forced his face to fall forward onto the desk, blocking off his view of Minerva, and interrupting the flow of her boundless, involuntary charm into his eyeballs, so that he was able to reply "That's CANCER, Pinky. We cured cancer."

"Oh. Well, there you are then. Troz!"

Minerva smiled as the Brain pulled an emergency blindfold out of a nearby compartment in his desk, carefully tying it over his face. It blinded him completely, but at least he could speak intelligibly with it on, which was normally impossible while staring at Minerva.

"So what's this thing you're working on here?" Minerva asked curiously, pointing to the ray sitting on the Brain's desk.

"It's a trans-dimensional mass energy relocation device." the Brain replied carefully.

"A cure for hunger! Narf!" Pinky exclaimed.

The Brain sighed, then said, "Yes, I WAS planning on using it to cure world hunger. With a machine like this in every home, mass and energy can be drained out of ordinary rocks and added to a piece of fruit or a steak, or anything else the person wants to eat, but doesn't have enough of to go around. It's very advanced technology. Would you like to see how it works?"

Minerva nodded happily, as the Brain grasped the pull-cord attached to the device and yanked it. Instantly, a beam shot out from both ends of the machine. One side of the beam struck a round, dark ball floating in mid-air, in a jar on the Brain's shelf, and the other zipped forward, hitting Minerva right in the center of the chest. Minerva Mink didn't feel anything, however.

"I think it must be broken." Minerva said, "It didn't do anything."

"Well, it's still in the development stages." the Brain replied, "It doesn't always work. Now, at the risk of being rude, I am on rather a tight schedule..."

"Oh! Of course, of course. I do have some shopping to do today. Thanks for showing me the machine, Brain. Thanks for your time, Pinky."

Then, with a smile and a wink in Pinky's direction, Minerva Mink left the office, and the lab, closing the doors behind her.

As soon as she was gone, the Brain let out a sigh of relief, and removed the blindfold, then looked around at his office, and the device he'd just activated. As his eyes followed the absorption beam to the item it was aimed at, however, he swallowed hard, realizing the implications. The change in the dark orb wasn't too significant, but it had definitely grown smaller.

"Pinky..." the Brain said, worry filling him almost completely, "Aside from this dark ball, what did the beam from my machine hit?"

"Oh, it hit Minerva, Brain. I don't think she felt anything, though."

"Oh, no." the Brain muttered, "Quickly, Pinky! We have to get into the micro-helicopter and hook up the ray to it. If Minerva's absorbed even a microscopic fraction of the mass of this item, it would be disastrous!"

"But Brain..." Pinky said, "It's so tiny, like a baseball, and she's so... not. Narf. What difference does that make?"

"Pinky," the Brain replied, "This is dark matter! It's being kept in a null-gravity field at the moment, but it weighs as much as a hundred full-grown stars!"

* * *

Minerva left the lab at a brisk skip, headed to the place she'd parked her car, out in the street. She was smiling when she opened the door of her bright red convertible, and stepped inside, feeling something snap under her as she took her seat, but paid it little mind, until she realized that the seat belt wasn't fitting over her shoulder.

"Oh, well." she thought, "It's not that far."

So, Minerva took off down the street, hearing a sort of grinding noise that she couldn't quite place the sound of as she drove, and drawing stares from other drivers as she went, which was nothing new. By the time she'd left the city limits, however, Minerva heard a very loud noise, like a small explosion, and the whole car convulsed underneath her, then the grinding noise grew even louder, and Minerva knew that she had to pull over and learn what the problem was. She was flabbergasted, however, when she saw that all four of the tires on her car had been totally demolished, exploding from within, as if they were balloons that had been squeezed too hard.

"I'll bet someone slashed them while I was in the lab." Minerva remarked with a scowl, "If I ever find out who, they're going to get a very heart-wrenching visit."

Still, it was only a walk of a few minutes to her house, so Minerva decided to just wait until she got home, and call a tow truck. Picking up her purse in her left hand, though she couldn't, she found, sling it over her shoulder the way she was used to, Minerva started off through the woods.

As Minerva Mink moved through the forest, however, the trees she was passing seemed to be of smaller and younger sorts, and eventually, she put her purse in one of her pockets, to make carrying it easier, as she passed by tiny saplings, no taller than herself, and at last, tiny sprouts that only reached halfway up to her knees. She found that very strange, because she didn't remember any of those young trees being on her property, but what was even stranger was that as she looked forward, she couldn't see the forest she lived in anymore; just hundreds and hundreds of tiny saplings as far as she could see, and a few feet away... what looked like a little puddle with a twig next to it.

Minerva covered the distance in a single step, and carefully examined the puddle, inlaid into the ground a bit more deeply than most puddles she'd seen, but what she'd first mistaken for a twig was what really sent worry through her, because that was when it began to dawn on her just what had happened. The "twig" was her house.

"What?" Minerva exclaimed, "This can't be! I'm... I'm... No! Somebody's playing a silly trick on me."

However, when Minerva turned around, there was no sign of the larger woods she remembered walking through, and only a few dozen steps away, a tiny little city sprawled out, no building more than three times Minerva's height. She couldn't keep denying it anymore. Minerva Mink had been transformed into a giant.

"Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, WOW!" Minerva exclaimed in a voice that was probably heard for miles, "This is gonna be fun!"

* * *

All across the city, traffic came to a halt. Business stopped where it was. Industry itself lost track of time, and no one bought or sold anything. People even stopped eating their lunch, or woke up from naps because of the great shadow that had fallen over them, which they could no longer ignore. Every man in the city looked up, and couldn't turn away, and every woman in the city fled for their lives.

Minerva Mink was five hundred feet tall, though it seemed more like two hundred because she was sitting down in the city's very center; a park full of tiny trees and empty, fortunately, of any people. Still, Minerva could be seen in every corner of the city from where she was, either in person, or reflected off one of the many buildings that surrounded her. She'd never had the attention of everyone in a whole city simultaneously before; at least not in person. It was a massive boost to her ego, which was already several times as big as she was.

"Minerva!" she heard a tiny voice in her left ear, which sounded something like the Brain shouting through a megaphone, "Minerva, can you hear me?"

"Yes," Minerva replied, nearly blowing out the Brain's eardrums with her normal speaking voice, "I can hear you. You don't have to shout."

"Minerva, I can turn you back to normal now, but it'll be a gradual..."

"Yeah. I'll take a rain check on that."

"You can't be serious."

"Brain, every day, whenever anyone looks at me and falls at my feet, I feel like a goddess. I feel like I could reach up and brace my arms against the sky. Well, now I look like it too. I just want to enjoy that for a while. Is that so wrong?"

* * *

"This isn't working." the Brain muttered to Pinky, who was sitting in the back seat of their micro-helicopter, designed for mice, "If we try to turn her back now, she's bound to try to swat us. We have to find some way to convince her that her life is better when she's the same size as everyone else."

"We can't Brain." Pinky replied, "But I know someone who ca-an..."

He said this with a great, big grin as he held the mouse-size cell phone up for the Brain to use, a phone number already dialed into it.

* * *

"Hey, Min-oy-vah!"

Minerva Mink looked around on the ground, for the owner of the voice she'd just heard. It sounded like a faint whisper from where she was, but she could see that it belonged to a small toon; using a megaphone to increase his yelling power. What's more, he was a toon she recognized and loved most intensely.

"Bugs?" Minerva asked, leaning over to get a better look at him, "Bugs, is that you?"

"You mind turning down the volume, honey carrot?" Bugs replied, causing Minerva to cover her mouth, embarrassed.

"Sorry." she replied in the faintest whisper she could manage, "Is this better?"

"Still a foghorn from here, but not so bad." Bugs replied, "How about if we have a nice, romantic walk through the park?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Minerva exclaimed, causing Bugs Bunny to cover his long, floppy ears as Minerva realized her mistake again, then whispered "Yeah. Sounds great."

Quickly, Minerva Mink scrambled to her feet, knocking a few trees over in the process, and soaking the tips of her shoes in the pond, but by the time she was standing up, she found she couldn't quite see where Bugs was anymore.

"Bugs!" She asked, "Bugs, are you there? Where are you?"

Still, she couldn't see or hear him among the many adoring men, staring up at her from down below.

"This is hopeless." Minerva muttered, "I'll never be able to find him like this. I need to find some way of getting back to norm..."

That was his cue. Instantly, the Brain activated his ray, absorbing mass from Minerva and firing it back into the dark matter jar, where the ball of dark matter returned to its original size; an inch and a half in diameter.

* * *

The actual process of shrinking back down to normal size had been one that had lasted for something like fifteen minutes, but for the last five or so, Minerva found that she was at least small enough to walk alongside Bugs through the park. He had, it turned out, gotten caught under one of her shoes when she'd stood up, and was wearing a large cartoon cast over one arm as evidence of his accident, but other than that, he was alright.

"So ya had the whole city worshiping you, and you gave it all up for one guy?" Bugs asked shyly as he leaned his head against her rapidly-diminishing left hip.

"Yeah..." she replied, caressing his furry head with her own arm, "I guess it's a little crazy, but that's what it's like when you're in love..."

Then neither said another word, as they watched the clouds soaring through the sky overhead.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "You know, even though it was a lot of trouble, there are times when I look back on that great, big, giant adventure, and wish I could change back again. Looking down at all those people and buildings and trees... It was really awesome. But it looks like I'll be on the other end of that in the next Minktales, when a large section of my forest is inhabited by enormous bees! Ugh... I hate bees, and giant, five-foot-long enormous bees are even worse! Can I get rid of them, and if not, how can I ever make my property a safe zone again?"


	57. Issue 57: Bee Happy

Minktales

Issue 57

"Bee Happy"

Minerva Mink smiled out at the nice, bright morning sun as she watered the flowers on her windowsill. It was a morning unlike any other, not just because each morning was a different type of experience for her, but because, although she didn't realize it, she was being watched by some most abnormal beings.

As Minerva watered the flowers, she could see what looked like a honeybee drifting closer to them from outside, and grabbed her flyswatter.

"Shoo." she said, "Find someone else's flowers to get nectar from!"

Then, she swung at the bee once or twice, until it got the hint and flew off.

Minerva closed her window and moved back into the house to start dusting when she heard a sound like a hundred massive helicopters landing, then taking off again, and when she looked back out the window, she discovered, to her shock and dismay, that her flowers were lying in their windowsill box, completely wilted. When she felt their stems and petals, it saddened her to feel that they were more limp in her hands than any plant she'd ever felt; dead or alive.

"I wonder how that happened." Minerva thought, moving back into the house to finish her vacuuming...

* * *

As the morning wore on, it started to get cold, so Minerva decided to go for a jog and warm herself up. However, as she rounded one corner of the path she always took through the woods, she started to hear a squishing noise, and hesitating for a moment, looked down at her feet to discover, to her dismay, that the jogging shoe on her left foot was covered in some sticky, golden substance that looked suspiciously like honey.

Turning around, Minerva examined the ground along the path, until she saw the honey that had stuck to her shoe. There was a huge puddle of it, in fact. Several jars full, she guessed, just sitting right there in the middle of the path.

"Now what would honey be doing in the middle of the woods?" Minerva wondered aloud, and just then, she heard a hum from overhead, and looked upward, then shrieked in terror.

Above her was a massive honeycomb, with compartments as big as car tires. The whole thing dominated the tops of the trees in that part of the woods, and was dripping honey in several places, but what had really made her scream was the five-foot-long creature that was crawling along it; its wings folded up into its back, as its six hideous legs scampered towards one of the openings in the comb.

Hearing the scream, the enormous, five-foot bee turned its head to look down at Minerva, and its segmented eyes reflected dozens of images of her, which had, unfortunately for the bee, dozens of times the effect that the sight of Minerva Mink usually had on people.

Sputtering through its horizontal mouth, the creature collapsed to the forest floor with a crash, right at Minerva's feet, moaning in ecstatic infatuation. In a moment, it started to approach closer to her, and Minerva backed away swiftly, until she felt her back collide with a tree, and knew she couldn't back away anymore. Then, the creature turned its head sideways, and brushed its short, yellow and black hairs against hers for a fraction of a second...

Soon, the mighty beast keeled over again, that time lapsing into unconsciousness. That was how it worked with Minerva Mink. Looking was emotionally-oppressive enough, but if you touched, you paid for it.

Minerva couldn't even speak, however. Honey was all over her foot, bee-fur on her left arm, and she herself wasn't sure whether to feel more disgusted or terrified.

As Minerva Mink fled back the way she'd come towards her log house, she could hear the same sound that she had earlier in the day; like hundreds of giant helicopters, and saw reflected in the pool by her house the image of countless bees rising up into the air, knowing full well that every one of those bees was almost the size of a man.

Quickly, Minerva rushed into her house and slammed the door behind her, panting hard in terror, and picked up the phone, calling a number that everyone in the world knew, because it was the number of their beloved leader.

"Brain?" Minerva asked, as soon as the phone was picked up on the other end.

"Um... Lord Brain's kind of busy at the moment. Who may I say is calling?" came the voice from the other end.

"Pinky, get me Brain. It's an emergency."

"Brain! Brain! Minerva says it's an emergency!"

Minerva winced. She wasn't sure if the Brain would willing take the phone, knowing that she was at the other end, but she certainly had no intention of leaving the house unless she had a foolproof plan for getting past those bees untouched.

However, in about fifteen seconds, Minerva heard the sound of another receiver being picked up at the other end, and the hushed voice of the Brain asking "Minerva? What do you want?"

"How much do you know about giant, five-foot bees?" Minerva asked, at which the Brain fell silent.

"Is there something like that near your house?" The Brain asked in a far less hushed voice.

"Give me weaknesses, vulnerabilities, poison recipes... I'm desperate!" Minerva exclaimed.

"Most bee poisons would be pretty useless against anything that big..." Brain replied, "Still, I'm fascinated... Perhaps it's a rogue evolutionary mishap that's been concealed in an underground cavern somewhere, or a holdover from the days of dinosaurs, when insects were..."

"Brain!" Minerva exclaimed urgently.

"Oh, yes. Weaknesses. Well, large amounts of smoke have been known to put bees to sleep, but bees are among the most organized naturally-occurring creatures. They all answer to their queen, who directs them in their jobs, and that means you'll have to watch out for clever tactics on their part."

"Clever tactics? They probably weigh three hundred pounds each!"

"Yes, I realize it's not much to go on. My advise is find something to burn. I'll try to come up with something."

Then, the Brain hung up, and Minerva was alone in her house, wondering what to do next.

* * *

The Brain hurried off his chair, and towards the other end of the room, where he kept all the experiments he'd been handed by scientists, but had found relatively useless. He knew there was at least one in there that he might find helpful then, and before long, he'd found it; the sensory pulse machine. It was an idea that had been brought to his attention a few weeks back by a promising young scientist, who'd suggested that insects could be used for finding all kinds of rare elements, because they had many senses that humans didn't, including some that even modern man barely understood. The focus of the experiment had been to increase the natural senses of a bee to enable it to find a hidden minerals, giving off a non-lethal radioactive signature of a very faint sort.

As soon as Minerva had mentioned her bee problem, the thought of using that same technique to help her had occurred to the Brain.

Minerva herself gave off a constant, irresistible, radiant energy of a sort, which imposed love, loyalty and joy upon whoever or whatever was effected by it. So far, evidence had tended to indicate that it was an ability that worked only on males, and most bees were female, but it was the best idea the Brain had.

"If this device works," he remarked to himself as he pulled it from the pile, "the bees will sense her energy signature far more intensely. There is a chance they'll fall under her power when that happens... Although there's also a chance this device will just make her easier to find, leading to a very uncomfortable death for her. Still..."

Hesitating for only a moment, the Brain plugged the device into the nearest wall socket, turned some dials, and threw the switch.

* * *

As the sounds of bee-wings of about half the size of helicopter blades moved around Minerva's house, she grabbed a book of matches from the cupboard. It wasn't much to work with, but at least it was something.

Quickly grabbing one of her less expensive umbrellas, Minerva Mink set the tip on fire and watched in dismay as it burnt to cinders in only three seconds.

"Oh, great." Minerva muttered as she looked around for something else she could use as a torch, eventually spying an old, wooden trophy with a metal handle that she'd gotten to keep after one of her movie takes. Quickly, she lit the top on fire and marched out of the house holding it, looking for all the world like she was headed to the Olympics. Minerva hadn't gone five yards from the house, however, when a drop of honey the size of her television fell directly onto her torch, extinguishing it completely, and covering her hands in syrupy goo. Quickly, she looked upward to see five-foot bees nearly covering the trees bordering her house, and as she watched in horror, each one spread their wings and took to the air, headed in her direction. She covered her head in her hands as she screamed once more...

...And heard an enormous crashing noise from very nearby. When almost a minute had passed, and she still wasn't dead, Minerva dared to open her eyes and look around, and there, she saw a sight that brought hope back into her heart.

There on the ground in front of her was the figure of an enormous bee, several times the size of the others, with stingers of other bees stuck into several points on its body. It was quite clearly dead, and, Minerva realized as she looked around, all the other bees that had surrounded her; hundreds and hundreds of giant bees... every last one of them was staring at Minerva with love in their segmented eyes, bowing low to the ground as they did so. Minerva Mink wasn't sure whether to feel relieved or horrified by the implications of that. She'd been spared, and given a new role. Minerva Mink had been chosen to be their new queen.

* * *

The Brain came to visit Minerva every day for the next several weeks, partly to study the enormous bees she'd mentioned, and partly to try to persuade her to take action.

"Minerva, these bees need to live their own lives. Just tell them to take off and leave intelligent species in peace forever."

"In a minute. In a minute." Minerva would reply from her lawn chair, where she was relaxing next to her pond.

"I thought you hated insects." the Brain objected.

"Well, the insect phobia made it hard at first..." Minerva began.

"Entomophobia." Brain corrected her politely.

"But once you get used to them, they're really very handy to have around. Did you know that they mowed all the wild grass on my property today for free? That was very nice of them."

"You'll have to let them go some day." Brain said, still not daring to look directly at Minerva, for fear of falling under her spell himself.

"Oh, I will. I will." Minerva replied, "Just a little bit longer..."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "I will. I swear. At least, I guess I will, or maybe I already have, because next time on Minktales, I find myself pulling a Rip Van Winkle. I've awoken in a future time, remembering nothing of what happened for the last sixty-two years. But the future is far from perfect, and I've lost everything I ever cared about, including Bugs Bunny and my legendary beauty. The only question is, what haven't I lost, and will it be enough to get back what was mine?"

* * *

There we are. Actually, I've had to rewrite part of this chapter recently, so that's what took so long. In exchange, the next one comes out today, and another in just a couple more days. Some of you may find the next Minktale; Lost, to be too grim, however. I'd certainly never expect to see anything like it on a kid's television show. At least to start with, it's grim. Still, I hope you'll still enjoy it in some capacity, and let me know what you think.


	58. Issue 58: Lost

Minktales

Issue 58

"Lost"

The sun came in through Minerva's window just as it always did on bright, sunny mornings, shining down upon her face in something of a glare. That was a little unusual, but nothing she couldn't handle. The real problem was that Minerva was feeling both slightly nervous and very tired, even though she'd just woken up on her own, which almost never happened. As Minerva sat up in bed, she thought...

That was when Minerva noticed that something was very wrong. She noticed that, because although she'd used the same muscle movements to sit up in bed every morning for the past several years, they hadn't worked on that morning. She hadn't budged an inch.

For a moment, Minerva wondered if she'd become paralyzed, until she practiced wiggling her fingers and toes, and they reacted just right. Clearly, she just needed to give it more effort.

So, she did. In fact, Minerva was giving it nearly three times the effort as normal, before her arms would move the way they normally did, and she carefully braced them against the bed underneath her, lifting herself upward, into a seated position.

However, the moment that she was seated upright, Minerva let go of the bed in alarm, and found herself being pushed back downward, into a laying position. Minerva Mink was horrified by what she'd seen. Her figure! Her precious figure, all covered in wrinkles, and several times thicker than it had been just the night before.

For several minutes, Minerva just lay there, hoping she'd be able to drift back off to sleep, and either wake up with everything back to normal, or else, lose track of the rest of her life as well, but after only about five minutes, when sleep didn't come, Minerva knew the time had come to get up, whether it was easy or not. She needed to know what had happened.

Slowly, Minerva tried to sit up again, but it was even harder than it had been the first time, if anything. Her legs and torso didn't bend the way they used to, or at least not as far, and in the same directions that they had before, and she found that sitting upright in bed had become a matter of spreading both legs out to the sides, then slowly righting herself. It was easier, she later discovered, to start by swinging her legs over the side of the bed, and let their momentum help yank the rest of her into a seated position. One thing Minerva noticed, however, was how difficult it was to sit upright, while her legs were close together. She soon found herself leaning back, or else spreading her legs apart almost on instinct whenever she was seated, and it almost made her want to sob.

Slowly climbing to her feet, Minerva slid them into a pair of sandals that were stationed by the bed and walked, with much greater difficulty than she was used to, over to the mirror she kept on her vanity. She thought she knew what she was going to find, but she had to be sure.

Sure enough, as Minerva Mink gazed into the mirror, an old, white-haired, droopy-looking, and overweight Mink stared back at her. She barely even recognized the old Mink's features; contorted as they were with age, but she was sure at that point, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that her once-legendary beauty had disappeared.

As quickly as she could, Minerva headed to the door of her bedroom and flung it open, gazing out into her log house; much of which was the same as always, but there was a young girl mink of about sixteen sitting on Minerva's couch. The girl mink had long, blond hair, and bright blue eyes, milky white fur, and was clothed in a long, green dress. In fact, she had everything that Minerva had lost. The girl had been reading a magazine until she heard Minerva's bedroom door fly open, and hurried to put down her reading material.

"Who are you?" Minerva demanded angrily, as soon as she was within arm's reach of the girl, "What have you done to me?"

"Grandma?" the girl asked, "Grandma, what's wrong? Are you okay? Did you hit your head?"

"Answer me!" Minerva demanded, "What happened to my stunning beauty?"

"Grandma..." the girl muttered, a concerned look coming into her eyes, that made Minerva want to cry, "Don't you remember me at all?"

Minerva sobbed once, then collapsed onto the couch next to the girl with a disheartening crash. It took her a few moments before she was ready to speak again.

"I don't remember anything about all this!" Minerva said, still furious, "Last night, I was a beautiful young starlet, known all over the world for my mesmerizing charm, and now... Now look at me!"

"Okay, Grandma. Slow down." the girl said.

"Stop calling me that!" Minerva screamed, covering her face in her hands, "Stop..."

"Alright, alright." the girl said, "If you really don't remember, I could explain it to you. My name is Melissa Bunny. Did you get that?"

"Bunny? Oh, no! Don't tell me..."

"Yes. My grandfather was Bugs Bunny, and it's the year twenty sixty-nine."

"Sixty-two years..." Minerva muttered, feeling utterly helpless and alone.

"Now, I'm not sure of the dates, but you've told me this story a hundred times." Melissa said, "A few years after your movie came out, a woman was elected to the presidency, and her first act in office was to outlaw every cartoon or movie you'd ever made. Do you remember that?"

"No." Minerva replied, "But it... It makes sense. Toons don't age as long as people still watch their cartoons."

"That's right." Melissa replied, "There was an underground Minerva ring for a while, but the FBI cracked down on that, and pretty soon, no one was watching you anymore. That's when you decided to settle down with Bugs and raise a family."

"Where is he?" Minerva asked with a small part of her old enthusiasm, "Where's Bugs?"

"Grandfather... passed away... three weeks ago." Melissa replied sadly, a tear coming to her own eye, "But for what it's worth, he loved you until the very day he died."

"Chemical accident." Minerva said aloud.

"You remember!" Melissa exclaimed, delighted.

"No." Minerva replied, "But it's one of only a few rare things a toon can die of. A chemical accident involving turpentine, acetone and benzene."

"Oh. Right." Melissa muttered, a little disappointed. Even though she'd forgotten so much of her life, Minerva still had a quicker wit than Melissa; a trait she'd always had.

Minerva and Melissa sat in silence for quite some time, until Minerva asked the big question.

"Do I have any other grandchildren?"

"Yes." Melissa replied slowly, "But they don't visit often. I'm the only one who inherited your gift."

Minerva scowled as she leaned back in her seat, staring up and the ceiling, and feeling utterly alone. She could see that Melissa was looking at her with pity, something Minerva had almost never seen leveled in her direction before. Envy or generosity had been the most common, and...

Minerva walked back into her room and dug out a dress. It was a great deal bigger than the ones she'd worn in her youth, but then, she was bigger too. She took off her pajamas quickly, slipping on the dress, and stepped outside to go to town...

Going to town was something that Minerva did whenever she was feeling truly miserable, because the reactions she invariably got from people in town always cheered her up, but when she stepped through her front door later in the evening, to find Melissa gone again, she felt even worse than ever. Not a single person in town had shown her envy, or fallen for her, or rushed to do her favors. If anything, they were looking at her far more often with pity, sadness, or disgust. She felt like everything about her life that mattered had been ripped out from under her.

"Maybe that's why I forgot all those years." Minerva thought in despair, "Maybe they just weren't worth remembering..."

At the end of the day, Minerva crashed back down onto her couch again, and began to sob; pining for what was lost...

* * *

"I don't know. She was just found like this a week ago by one of her friends. We've had female doctors and nurses keeping her alive, but there's been no sign of conscious brain activity since she was brought it."

Newt stood over Minerva's hospital bed with his glasses on from the right side, and Bugs Bunny, not needing protective glasses, from the left. Pinky was seated on the sheets covering Minerva's arms, and looked, for the first time in a long, long time, truly sad, as the Brain, wearing a miniature version of Newt's mink-proof eyewear, looked over some of Minerva's charts. It was the first time that all four of them had met in person, but for some reason, there'd been no arguments about who Minerva had loved most. They all cared about her enough to be there for her, hoping with all their might that she would wake from her coma.

"It doesn't make sense!" the Brain exclaimed, "No sign of head trauma, no dip in synapse charges... Everything checks out. She ought to be wide awake right at this very moment, unless..."

Quickly, the Brain grabbed a spare monitoring device, and began taking it apart, then reconnecting it in a new order. Before long, he'd finished constructing a scanner.

"Yes." the Brain muttered, "There's an energy pattern here, besides just her thoughts, and it's operating on the same frequency as her subconscious mind. Someone has done this to her intentionally, by manipulating her dreams, using energy waves."

"I wish I had thought of that." Newt muttered under his breath, as the Brain continued speaking.

"Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing where these signals are coming from, or of disconnecting them. It might be possible to interrupt them in the dream world, but only if the person dreaming understood exactly what was going on. Even then, they'd have to be able to unravel complex threads of clues; literally in their sleep. Even I can't..."

Instantly, something occurred to the Brain, however, and he asked "Is Annette still out in the reception area?"

* * *

A hundred thousand complex calculations filed through Annette's subconscious mind, as she drifted down through the currents of energy that the Brain was creating with his device. By riding them precisely, she found her own thoughts aligning with the same frequency as Minerva's, and in so doing, entering Minerva's dream. She could hear sobbing before long, as she carefully refined the frequency, then found herself entering Minerva's log house by the front door, to see an image of a swollen, wrinkled, white-haired version of Minerva crying on her sofa.

"Annette?" Minerva gasped as Annette entered, "Did you get a break into cartoons?"

"I've yet to be in a cartoon." Annette replied, sizing up the situation almost instantly, "You are not really old, forgotten, or alone. This is a dream that someone has forced on you, sending you into a coma. The Brain and your other friends sent me to bring you back."

"A dream..." Minerva was stunned, but exclaimed as she slowly rose from the couch, to move over and face Annette, "But I couldn't get out of this before! How are we going to escape this?"

"Just do what I do." Annette replied, "I now have some experience in changing my brain frequency during REM sleep, and if you do the same, we can wake up.

Slowly, Annette began to project her own dream, overlapping Minerva's, fading from Minerva's sight, and Minerva held on tight, letting her thoughts drift, to be swept along by the current of Annette's powerful, subconscious mind...

* * *

"No! I'm not getting a reaction at all anymore!" Olivia screamed, slamming both fists down on the control panel in fury, "She can't escape me again! I won't let her!"

Suddenly, however, a long rope came down over her, and she was yanked off her feet, towards the door of her equipment shed by the person holding the cartoon rope; Bugs Bunny.

"What?" Olivia exclaimed in shock, "How... How did you find me?"

"Eh... A sleeping mink told me." Bugs replied, referring to Annette. In her sleep, she'd recited the direction that she sensed the other dream-impulses coming from, and they'd been able to track Olivia's broadcast to the precise spot she was sending it out from. Her little scheme was over.

* * *

The sun came in through Minerva's window, just as it always did on bright, sunny mornings, shining down upon her face in the friendliest way as she contemplated, for the first morning in a long, long time, how lucky she was to have so many friends. Usually, it was the sort of thing she relied on to the point of taking it for granted, allowing everyone she met to support her day after day, but although it had all been a dream, and Olivia's dream-maker had been disassembled, Minerva Mink had found within herself a new appreciation for the loyalty of her best friends, and for the many other gifts she'd been blessed with as well.

Then, Minerva Mink sat up easily in bed, and slid her feet into her shoes, ready to start a wonderful new day.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Wow. That was the scariest thing I've ever been through. I'm doing a scary cartoon next, though, and this time, I'm the bad guy, haunting an author near the end of the nineteenth century, but although my presence in his life is a horror story for him, am I really so bad on the inside? Did I mean to torture him, and can I cure him of his lack of control? Even if I do, what else could his life hold, and what will he do in the future? That's all on the next Minktales, so get ready to open the door, and invite me in."

* * *

I feel that this chapter needs a further explanation. According to Bugs Bunny, cartoon characters can only grow old if no one watches their cartoons any more, and this explains Slappy Squirrel to some degree. To Minerva, the concept of aging at all, much less ungracefully is a pretty spooky one, though I think she could face it if she had to, even considering how deeply-superficial she is. The real loss, though, is the loss of her loved ones, and so, it's fitting that they were the ones to rescue her from this artificial nightmare. I just hope this chapter hasn't given anyone their own brand of nightmares about getting old. As long as there are people who care about you, it's really not so bad. Love and friends make aging easier, and Minerva has plenty of both, though in the minktales universe, I still can't picture her aging.


	59. Issue 59: Taking Over

Minktales

Issue 59

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Taking Over"

The year is 1895 and the place is London, England.

* * *

"Abe? Abe, is that you?" Linda Manning asked eagerly, approaching Abraham from behind, "It's been so long!"

"Over a decade." Abraham admitted with a grin, "Since school."

"What have you been doing since then?" Linda asked, curiously.

"Well, this and that." Abraham replied, "I've been doing a little writing, but it's not what I do for a living. I do manage to keep a decent home for my wife and son these days, if that's what you're asking."

"Actually, I was wondering if you have an extra room." Linda replied, "A friend of mine lost her house in a fire recently, and she needs a place to stay for a little while, while she searches for a new one."

Abe was close to refusing it outright, because he knew his wife would be against the idea, but still, they did have an extra room, and they always needed money.

"Alright." Abraham said, "I'd like to meet with her first, though, to discuss terms and rental prices."

"Well, that might be a little harder." Linda said, wincing a bit, "If I brought her your desired rental price, however, I think she'd agree to it."

"Most unusual." Abraham thought as he discussed terms with Linda, "I wonder why it was so impossible to meet with this woman in person."

* * *

Midway through the week, Abraham received a letter saying that his new tenant would be arriving Saturday, and sure enough, on Saturday afternoon at three precisely, there was a knock at his door, and he quickly moved to open it, admitting...

Abraham couldn't speak. The woman who stood before him was unlike any person he'd ever seen. She was a mink-like creature, standing upright, and yet, distinct in different ways from most people, as if drawn as an illustration, and she had milky white fur, long blond hair and a blond, fluffy tail that drooped behind her like a part of a dress. She was dressed in a long, green dress with a hoop skirt, and wore a large, matching hat with a long brim on her head, and long, glittering, green gloves that reached up to past her elbows. She carried a matching parasol, which she held onto with one hand, and a suitcase in the other, which, like her clothes, was light green.

However, there were other things about Abraham's new tenant which weren't so easily described. Around her every motion; her every action; her every perfect strand of hair, there seemed to lurk a force more powerful than anything that Abraham had ever seen; in or out of his house. It was a force that captivated the attention, mesmerized the eyes, seized the heart in a warm, loving embrace, and in the end, left Abraham with barely any will of his own. That was when he realized that he'd only been looking at her for five seconds, and began to whimper.

"Oh, there there." the mink said with a smile and a twitch of her eyelids, "I'll try to make this as easy as possible. You'll hardly even know I'm here. I promise."

The mink brushed past the paralyzed Abe, and walked with a slow, deliberate strut towards the place where her new room was, a sign on its door reading "guest room." However, when she got to the room, the mink turned around, throwing her hair back lazily as she did so, and smiling. She batted her eyelashes several times at Abe, as she said "By the way, my name is Minerva Mink. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir."

Then, she twisted the doorknob to her room with a creak, and stepped inside, closing the door lightly behind her, and the moment it snapped shut, Abe's legs gave out under him, and he fell forward, landing face-first on the rug in the middle of the front hall.

* * *

After three hours in the same house with Minerva Mink, Abe noticed rather painfully that she'd already broken her promise to him. He'd definitely noticed her continued presence in his life. Every so often, she'd leave her room, drawing the attention of himself, his son, and to a different degree, his wife, and gripe about all sorts of things, wondering, in some cases, why washing clothes had to take so long, and in others, longing for something unique and different to eat, or a softer bed sheet or sweeter-smelling soap to use. Those gripes didn't usually last more than a minute at a time, but each incident felt like hours, and when, at six o'clock, Minerva was occupying the bathroom, spending huge amounts of time staring lovingly into the mirror, Abe carefully maneuvered himself out of view of her, and rushed for the door, but was stopped by his wife.

"Where are you going, Abraham?" she asked suspiciously.

"Dear, I must get out of here now!" he said, "The oppressive atmosphere of having that creature in our house is more than I can bear! I must see Linda about this. It is not for my sake, or yours, but for our sake."

Then, Abraham embraced his wife lovingly, and she knew the truth, and was heartened by it. He was seeking to do what he'd been taught to in church; flee from all temptation.

* * *

However, as Abraham marched out towards Linda's house, the love-fog vanishing from his mind, his hopes that she might be able to simply take her tenant back began to vanish the more he thought about it. Sure enough, though he begged and pleaded with her, she just shook her head.

"She's not my pet." Linda explained, "She's my friend, and now that she's made up her mind, I'm afraid the only way you can get her to leave is by asking her nicely."

"But, you don't understand!" Abraham exclaimed, terrified, "I can't ask her to leave! I can't think of anything but her when I'm looking at her! There has to be some way..."

If there was a way, though, Linda didn't have it, so Abraham spent most of the rest of the night wandering town, hoping against hope that his tenant would have left of her own will by the time he got back.

But it was not to be.

* * *

Abraham didn't return to his house until nearly six in the morning, and when he got there, wandering into the kitchen while his wife and son slept, he was horrified to find his whole body freezing up again, as Minerva stood near the table, looking at him with a smile on her face. He could swear he saw love in her eyes, but was it real, or just a trick that monster used to lure prey?

"Good morning." Minerva cooed, "It's... very nice to see you again. So... What were you planning for today's breakfast?"

"You must... you m-m-musssssss... you...y-y-y-y..." Abraham struggled to force out the words "you must leave now," but they wouldn't come out. At last, he managed to think the words at least, but when he tried to say them, they came out all wrong!

"You must have some eggs."

"Yes..." Minerva replied, clasping both hands together in delight, "That sounds... exquisite. Thank you!"

Abraham felt like crying, fainting and celebrating simultaneously as her seemingly-hypnotic aura surrounded him, wrapping him in its invisible tendrils like some hidden creature, seeking, and finding control over his very life, and it was, he realized, becoming more and more difficult to leave the house with every second that he spent in her presence.

Minerva had been living at Abraham's house for three days when Abraham managed to break free again, and flee to Linda's place, pleading with her again, more urgently than ever, explaining the impossibility of coexisting with her; the heart-wrenching emotional stress that her very presence was putting him under, and he was absolutely certain that she'd been wielding some type of dark magic against him, but Linda couldn't do anything to help him, and thought that he was exaggerating anyway.

Abraham spent several hours in the local cemetery that day, trying to think of a plan to get rid of his house guest, but already, her influence had grown so strong, that he could feel his own impulses fighting his ability to make such plans, even when she wasn't around, and it terrified him.

* * *

Minerva had been with Abraham for a week and a half, and by then, he'd ceased to hope. That is to say, he'd ceased to hope that she would leave. His every emotion felt as if it was tied to her whims like puppet-strings on wooden planks, and when Linda came to visit, she did notice that Minerva's natural listlessness seemed to be reflected in both Abraham and his son, and asked Minerva when she was planning on moving out.

"Very soon." Minerva had replied, causing the hearts of both Abraham and his boy to sink, as did the edges of their mouths, "I'm afraid I've somewhat overstayed my welcome."

That remark drew a cough from Abe's wife, clearly meaning that it was a severe understatement, and indeed, when Minerva suggested that Abraham show Linda the drapes she'd put in the kitchen, and Abraham found himself and Linda alone again, purely by accident, he immediately feel on his hands and knees, whispering, so as not to be heard by Minerva "Help me! For the love of all that's holy, please help me!"

"It's alright. It's alright." Linda said as Abraham reached for her feet like some mad, desperate creature, "Please, you mustn't make such a scene. She'll be leaving shortly."

* * *

It didn't feel like a short time to Abraham, although it was only about a day and a half. At that point, Minerva had gathered up her things, and was just about to leave, when Abe's wife grabbed her, and yanked her into the kitchen for one final chat.

"I'm glad to see you headed out on your own again." Abe's wife said, "But there's one thing I must know before you leave. I don't understand or wish to understand what kind of wicked spell you've cast upon my son and husband, but will it vanish once you've left?"

Minerva seemed to be saddened by the question, but replied with honesty.

"Not so much." she said, "There's really only one way to make my 'impact' vanish, and I dislike performing the ritual unless I have the approval of the relatives."

"What does it entail?" Abraham's wife asked.

* * *

"I'm leaving now." Minerva said as she stepped out from the kitchen again to examine the grinning faces of Abraham and his son, "But before I go, I have to finish something."

Swiftly, Minerva descended upon Abraham's son and kissed him on the forehead, then rose up before Abraham, casting her shadow upon him in the light of the setting sun, and pecked him on the forehead as well. In moments, each was unconscious, their unnatural love for Minerva Mink at its very peak. When they awoke, they'd be their normal selves again.

Then, Minerva Mink traveled down the street, being followed closely by a group of local, young boys, whose overprotective mothers would later report them missing when they were late in showing up for dinner.

* * *

"Dear, are you alright?"

Abraham opened his eyes slowly, looking up into the loving face of his wife, and immediately embraced her with a passion he'd once thought he'd lost.

"Please don't be angry with me, my dear." Abraham said, "If mortal man were strong enough to withstand magic..."

"I'm just happy it's all over." his wife replied as she hugged him back.

"I'm... I'm afraid it's not over quite yet." Abe replied, "Maybe it never will be. Right now, there are images in my thoughts that I can't dispel; dark images of shadowy shapes and wealthy predators who can destroy your whole life if you invite them in. I know what I have to write about next."

"Shh..." his wife replied, "Not now, Bram. For now, let's just be together again, and take a bit of time to enjoy our happy ending."

With those words, Mrs. Stoker gave her husband a great big kiss as they rested on the floor of their house together. That was the important thing. They were together.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, that was certainly different from most of the cartoons I've done in the past, but the next Minktales will change my cartoon-making life forever. A secret admirer has sent me an ancient, priceless statuette as a gift of love, but this statuette may hold a dark secret; one that'll force me to make a hard choice about my life and my feelings at last. It's mercy, compassion and consideration for others in the face of the most terrifying thing of all, and I hope you'll be there to face it with me."


	60. Issue 60: Itself Part 1

Minktales

Issue 60

"Itself"

Part 1 of 2

"It's not pretty being me, just try it and you'll see! It's harder than you think to be a gorgeous mink!"

Minerva's voice cut through the morning air as she brushed her hair at her vanity while staring in loving delight at the image that looked back at her from the vanity mirror. Everything involved in that moment of her life; voice, hair and image were stunningly beautiful. It was another morning for Minerva Mink.

Minerva swiftly slid her feet into a pair of bright, pink shoes with heels, and got to her feet as she finished brushing her hair. In truth, she could have been perfectly happy just sitting, brushing and watching her reflection all day, but one can't be having fun all the time.

That morning, Minerva Mink decided to go into the city to buy some more beef, as she was almost out, though she decided that it would be best if she kept her robes with her, just so she could wear them while she was talking to the butcher, so the poor guy didn't cut himself like last time. Quickly, Minerva grabbed her robes, stuffing them in a basket and carrying the basket with her, as she stepped outside and nearly tripped over a small, heavy package that was resting on the ground in front of her.

Minerva Mink was no stranger to receiving gifts unexpectedly, but that one bore words on a tag attached to it, that included a phrase she'd never seen on a gift before.

"Your secret admirer."

Those were the words that caught her attention first, so she put down her basket on the dining table in her house, and forgot about her beef shortage completely, as she gently picked up the heavy package and carried it inside, closing the door behind her by tapping it with her back, then placed the package gently on the love seat she had in the middle of the living area, right next to one of her bookcases.

Once she'd done all that, Minerva Mink pulled the card from the package and read the whole thing.

"Love is a precious, priceless thing which shines for all to see."

"It sprouts from nothing, reaching heaven like the tallest tree."

"Take not love for granted, though it may be commonplace."

"Take instead this item from a perished, ancient race."

"Though it can't be quite as priceless as my love for thee."

"Your secret admirer."

"Hmm..." Minerva muttered as she put the card down, "That's strange. I didn't think I had a secret admirer. All of my admirers are pretty open about it."

It certainly was strange, because as Minerva Mink opened the box and drew out its contents, she had to admit, she'd never seen anything like it. It was a tiny statue that looked like a human figure wearing large gloves, and holding a tray in front of it, just large enough to be used for snacks, or to hold toothbrushes. That, Minerva decided, was what she'd do with it. She'd put her toothbrushes in it. If nothing else, the human figure looked a great deal kinder and friendlier than any sculpture of a man that she'd ever seen. Most sculptures seemed designed to show glory, courage, or valor, but not compassion, like she saw in that face. In fact, the subtleties of the sculpting were so refined, that Minerva swore she could make out a hint of sadness in its expression.

"Mourning for those who won't turn from wickedness." she muttered, though she barely realized what she'd said until she'd said it, There was a slot in the top of the man's head, just large enough to fit a marble into, and his mouth was open, so that anything that came out of the mouth would fall into the dish. It was probably, she thought, some children's toy in ancient times. Pour water in the top... watch it fill the dish. Fun.

However, as Minerva placed the statue next to her bathroom sink, and picked up her toothbrush to put it on the tray, she heard a soft, clattering noise, and when she looked, she discovered that a small marble had fallen in the tray.

"Isn't that odd?" Minerva muttered, putting her toothbrush back down, "It was probably stuck inside the mouth. I wonder..."

Minerva looked at the bead in wonderment, as she picked it up. It looked something like gold from a number of angles, but when she held it up to the light, the glare that was produced was far more intense than the kind that was reflected off of gold, which Minerva was quite familiar with, having gotten several gifts made of gold from previous admirers.

"I wonder what'll happen if I..." Minerva said slowly, moving the bead towards the slot in the statue's head, and after only a moment's hesitation, dropping it in.

Minerva waited as she heard the bead clatter against something inside the statue. She waited for a few seconds, then ten, then thirty, but nothing was happening.

"It must be stuck in there again." Minerva said with a frown, "Well, I can get it out of there later."

After that, Minerva Mink put her toothbrush into the tray, and headed out to purchase beef.

* * *

The beef purchase alone probably wouldn't have taken very long, but on the way there, Minerva ran into an old friend she hadn't seen in a while, and after leaving the poor fellow on the ground, just as she had in their last encounter, and spending a short time browsing a local clothing store, she barely had enough time to get the beef and get home before it was dark.

Of course, the best time for rest is when it's dark, so Minerva reluctantly decided that she'd had a very full day, and the time had come for her to get some sleep.

However, although Minerva put on her nightgown and lay in bed for nearly an hour, she found that sleep didn't come. She stared at the ceiling without thinking too much, trying her best to get some rest, but she simply couldn't get to sleep, and at last, after an hour and fifteen minutes in bed, she began to look back and forth at her surroundings. There was the closet near the foot of her bed. There was the dresser to the left, and the vanity to the right, with its mirror, which always showed her such lovely sights...

Minerva closed her eyes again, but opened them with a start when she heard the sound of wooden doors swinging open, and immediately reached to turn on the light. There, at the foot of her bed, Minerva could see that the closet doors had swung open, but there was nothing and no one inside, so she just got up and closed them.

However, just as Minerva was about to go back to bed, she thought she saw a green glow out of the corner of her eye, and turned to look. It had been coming from the direction of the vanity, but when she looked at it directly, it was gone.

Just to be sure, Minerva puckered up, but although she felt a slight brush of wind against her lips, there definitely hadn't been enough ghosts hanging around to open doors or make things glow. Something was truly wrong.

Just then, the window behind Minerva's bed swung open on its own, and when she turned to look at it, she saw something she'd never expected to see out that window. It was her father.

"Dad!" Minerva exclaimed, trying to grab her bed sheets, to cover her face and hands, "No! You can't look at..."

But then, she looked at the window again, and the image of her father had faded, as if it had never been there.

Minerva was shivering in terror by that point, unable to make sense of all the frightening things she was seeing, and decided to take a shower. However, the moment she got within visual range of the bathroom, she could see inside, not the shower, sink and toilet, but an image of her high school English teacher, flying into a fury, just as she had before, so many years ago.

"No! No! No! I won't have it! It's not acceptable! It's not acceptable and it's not fair! After all that's happened, all the people she's made late for class, you can't be thinking of..."

She paused for a moment just outside the bathroom. It was bizarre, because her teacher didn't belong in her bathroom, and Minerva had heard those words before. However, the first time she'd heard them, she'd also heard the voice of her high school principle, surrendering to her, which had calmed her down, but that time, there was no such voice, and Minerva's teacher merely continued shouting, as she stared directly at Minerva, just as she had before.

"You! You little monster! I don't know how you did this; how you bewitched all these people, but I swear, I will fight this to my last breath!"

Minerva hadn't been ready to respond to that remark the first time she'd heard it, but after all those years, she was finally ready; fury overcoming her fear.

"The right to use every means at your disposal to attain greatness is a basic right of any capitalistic society." Minerva said, "You're just angry because I had more means than you did."

That was when her teacher glared at her, filling Minerva with fright again. and said something she hadn't said during their first confrontation.

"You think you've got all the answers, don't you? You can never escape from us!"

To be Continued...

* * *

What are these strange visions which haunt Minerva's home, and what is the identity of her secret admirer? Keep watching Minktales for these stunning answers, and the central point that just might make it all worthwhile.


	61. Issue 61: Itself Part 2

Minktales

Issue 61

"Itself"

Part 2 of 2

In seconds, Minerva's former teacher faded from sight, and her bathroom was visible again. Quickly, pushing back her fear, Minerva ran into the bathroom and started up the shower. No good. Water flowed through her fur, soaking her to the bone, but whatever was happening to her definitely wasn't something she could just wake up from, and as Minerva looked down into the tub, she could see that she'd left the plug in recently, and the water was reflecting, not her, but another vision, that one an image of Minerva's parents. In the vision, her mother and father were sitting together on the very love seat she still had in her living room. Her father was weeping in long, heart-wrenching sobs, as her mother looked at him with both anger and pity.

"I can't... I can't..." Minerva heard her father gasp, and it was just as she'd always imagined, "Minerva... I can't... Angela, I'm losing you. I can't stay... I can't stay here... Not while she... Not while our daughter..."

After that, he continued sobbing, and Minerva felt her own tears join his in the tub, as she watched the proceedings helplessly.

"Shh... It's alright." Angela said, "You're not losing me. I'm right here. It's alright."

"It's not alright!" Minerva's father exclaimed, sitting bolt upright and stopping his sobs angrily, "I'm... I'm losing... Angela, do you remember when we first met? Do you remember our first date together? Our first kiss? Do you remember the vows we made to each other on our wedding night? Do you?"

"Yes." Angela replied, smiling, "We swore we'd never let our love die, and that even if something came between us, neither of us would ever love another, and we'd never forget each other."

After pausing for a moment, Angela could see the desperation on the face of her husband and asked, worry lining her voice, "Don't you remember that?"

"Yes." he replied, "But it's... It's like there's a haze, obstructing all those memories, and it grows thicker every day. Angela, even if we had to live apart, I'd never forget you, but if I stay here, with Minerva... I might. I can't risk that."

Minerva yanked open the shower curtain, as the vision vanished again, accidentally allowing a puddle of water to form on the bathroom floor, as she saw a wooden gavel forming in the puddle, and hurried to turn off the shower, as the words "threat to the stability of families everywhere" echoed through her mind. It was a vision that she'd only seen once, and only in the worst nightmare she'd ever had. After that, however, Minerva collapsed to the bathroom floor. It was too much stress for one unbearably gorgeous mink to take all at once.

Quickly climbing up to the sink, Minerva peered inside, and saw the one thing that she thought was even worse than all the visions she'd seen so far, and it had happened to her much more recently.

"Oh, perfect." Minerva watched herself say as she knelt on the beach in her bathing suit, reaching for the chest of the man lying on the ground at her feet; dead. She tried to touch him, but when she did, his body just convulsed, and she had to pull back. The vision faded in only a moment more.

It was worse that being haunted by ghosts. In less than fifteen minutes, Minerva had been terrified over and over in a way that no ghost could, and all of the things that had terrified her were perfectly real. She was really terrified of people hating her out of jealousy, making her cartoons illegal, and she was especially terrified of the rift that her beauty created in her relationship with her relatives, and the ever-present danger of getting too close to a man in the wrong way; because if she did, they could die. They were all images of the worst fears she'd ever had; every last one.

"But that's all they are, aren't they?" Minerva asked herself aloud, "Just fears. There's nothing more terrifying than fears, especially when I've never actually faced them before, but... But I don't have to be afraid of all these things that are happening to me... All these things I'm seeing. As long as I can look my fears in the face, and accept that they're part of me, I don't have to be afraid anymore!"

Then, Minerva Mink felt the entire bathroom fading away around her, and new visions made themselves evident. Visions of her new statue being crafted by a people who were old and powerful, in a far-off, ancient city, infusing it with all their greatest technology, and giving it a single program to be used in therapy courses.

"Teach us not to fear."

As Minerva's bathroom came back into view, she heard a soft, gentle, male voice echoing in her mind.

"Well done. You have learned all that I can teach you. You need never face this curse again."

Then, Minerva heard a clattering noise, and she didn't even have to look, to see what it was. The bead had fallen once more from the statue's mouth, to land in the tray it held.

"You're really not evil after all." Minerva realized as she got to her feet, picking up the statue again, "You're just very complicated. I'm glad. I know I can't really benefit from you anymore, but still, if you'd like to stay here for a little while and take care of my toothbrushes... would that be alright?"

The stony face of the statue remained the way it always was, although Minerva thought she saw its smile a tad more clearly than before; the sadness in its carved face less evident.

"I have to pay a visit to the nice man who sent you to me." Minerva said, putting the statue back down, and getting dressed. It was still the early evening, so she knew where he'd be.

* * *

Lawrence Kagera finished his third drink of the evening; his last, and the small bowl of popcorn he'd ordered. It was the only means he had of coping after so many weeks of working with that mink. After all that time, Lawrence was a wreck. He had tremendous bags under his eyes, and looked flushed and sweaty nearly all the time. Worse yet, his eyelids, when open, looked alarmed and suspicious, mainly because of how far they had to be opened in preparation for the frequent growth and shrinking spurts they experienced whenever Minerva entered or left his field of vision. Most guys would find her presence in their lives a soothing thing, but they didn't have to work with her professionally, day after day after day.

Putting money down on the table, Lawrence was just turning to leave the diner for the evening, when he screamed and fell backwards off the chair he'd been sitting on, staring up at the ceiling. It was easier to stare at the ceiling, than at the famous toon who'd just stepped into the diner, and was soon seated on a chair very close to his; Minerva Mink.

"I got the statue you sent." Minerva said, dipping her hand into a nearby popcorn bowl.

"I don't know how you figured out that I sent it, but if you're here for revenge, I swear..." Lawrence let the words out in short, rapid gasps.

"Revenge? What are you talking about?" Minerva asked.

"Haven't you... haven't you discovered the curse yet?" Lawrence asked.

"Of course." Minerva replied, smiling, "That's what I'm thankful for. Larry, there are lots of things in my life that I've been afraid of in the past, and I've been going along on my merry way, floating through life on a bed of roses, made from the love of others. When nearly every man you meet loves you uncontrollably, it becomes somewhat easier to ignore your fears, and that's just what I've been doing; ignoring them. I ignored them for so long, I never really learned to face them, but now, I see that was a mistake. The statue you gave me helped me to learn to face my fears in a way I never have before, and now that I'm not running from myself anymore, or hiding from my fears, it's like for the first time in years... I feel like... I feel so much lighter. More free. That's how I knew you were the one who sent it, Larry. You're the only person I know who knows that much about me. Isn't that why you sent me the statue? To help me settle my inner self, so I could perform better in front of the cameras?"

As Minerva had been talking about herself (one of her favorite subjects) Larry had put a pair of Newt's special glasses on his face, to protect his eyes from seeing Minerva, and resumed his place on his chair, but when she asked if that had been his reasoning, he had to answer her directly.

"No." he said, absolutely miserably, "That wasn't the reason at all."

Minerva's face fell, as Larry; her current producer, continued to speak.

"Minerva, all I knew about that statue was that it was said to be cursed in such a way that anyone who owned it succumbed to visions of terror and pain. I had no idea you'd find it therapeutic."

"You mean you wanted to hurt me?" Minerva asked, confused, "Why?"

"I didn't want to hurt you; I wanted to frighten you away!" Larry replied, "I wanted you to tear up your contract with us and march off!"

"But I don't understand, Larry." Minerva replied, "We're making such good cartoons together. Why would you want all that to go down the drain?"

"I... I... I can't do this anymore, Minerva." Larry said, his face impacting with the table in front of him, "The more cartoons we make, the more time I have to spend working with you in professional settings, and every time we work together, the temptation to take you in my arms and kiss you until the day I die becomes greater and greater, but it can never become as great as my true love for you. I couldn't take away this job from you for that reason. I'm a boiling cauldron of conflicting, repressed, helpless emotions, Minerva. I have been since you first made it big. I... I'm losing myself."

Minerva gasped when she heard that, suddenly realizing just what she'd been doing to the poor man in all that time. It had never once occurred to her that he might find working with her to be an experience of suffering; not joy.

"We're not at work now." Minerva said quickly.

"Wha... what are you saying?" Larry asked.

"You should have opened up to me about this a long time ago, Larry." Minerva said, "I never wanted you to suffer. Give me those."

In that moment, Minerva grabbed Larry's glasses right off his face, and his eyes began to widen again, as he exclaimed "What are you dooo-dododooouah..." tears forming in his eyes as he spoke.

"Oh, there there." Minerva said, grabbing Larry sadly around the shoulders, and holding him in a soft, furry embrace that impacted so intensely on his emotions, that he couldn't say a word, merely sobbing and whimpering helplessly as she held him, every other man in the diner staring at her with widening eyes.

"Come with me, Larry." Minerva said, leading him by the hand to her car, where she placed the glasses back on his face, still holding his hand, and planted a kiss on his forehead...

* * *

When Lawrence Kagera woke up, he could tell that the mink glasses were still over his eyes, but they didn't prevent him from seeing anything nearby, foremost of which was a document resting on his desk.

"I'm back in my office." he realized aloud, getting up from his soft, office chair, "I must have been dropped off here by... by Minerva Mink... I must have spent the whole night here."

Then, Larry removed his protective glasses to take a good look at the paper, and nearly cheered with delight at what it said.

* * *

Dear Mister Kagera,

I'd hoped that we could work professionally together, despite the fact that you're a man. I'm sorry if that's not the case. Because of this, I've enclosed the names of several people who I think would make excellent secretaries for you in the future. I promise to no longer barge into your office, or into places where you might be unprotected from me.

From now on, whenever you want to communicate with me, you may do so by phone, if you wish, or by sending your secretary as an emissary. I hope that these changes will allow us to avoid any unpleasant encounters during the workday, though you can continue to meet with me afterwards, if you wish. Now that I've experienced it in myself, I find frailty to be a somewhat charming trait, and you have it in spades.

Your partner in showbiz, Minerva Mink.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "I don't think there's anything more frightening than fear itself. At any rate, if there is, I haven't found it yet, and on the next Minktales, I'm about to encounter something that's really strange and abnormal. A visitor from... very far away has come to my home, searching for a substance called progion, which he says that I can provide him with, but I've just had someone drop a date with me, and I'm not in the best mood. What is progion, and will it spoil my evening? I'll see you then!"


	62. Issue 62: My Date from Andromeda

Minktales

Issue 62

"My Date from Andromeda"

Greel looked at his time-monitoring device for the second time in as many galactic micro-cycles. It was late, and his precursors would probably expect him back at the dome in only a few dozen micro-cycles. Still, he'd been feeling drained for the last several thousand revolutions, and he and his whole race had always had a difficult time finding emotional sustenance.

Physical food was simple. Anything with carbon in it was fair game. Emotional food, however... that was harder. Greel's race fed their emotional well-being by absorbing energy radiated by a union of multiple intelligent life forms. The energy was never very strongly present, and usually vanished before they could really get a good taste, but Greel had been feeling another source nearby, on a planet somewhere in the Milky Way, and he was getting closer to discovering...

There! Greel had found the star system it was in. The star was called Sol. It would only take a fraction of a micro-cycle to scan the planets in that system, and find the one that had the progion energy concentration on it. Done. It was the planet Sol 3...

* * *

Minerva Mink hung up the phone with a sigh. She felt sorry for Bugs, in some ways. She knew he wouldn't have broken their date arrangements unless it was something urgent, and she suspected it was to do with business, which couldn't just be shrugged off. Still, it left her with no one to take her to Trudy's costume party, and she'd picked out one of the most flattering costumes too...

However, as Minerva Mink was contemplating making some phone calls, to attract a potential date, she heard a sound like a hollow, plastic tube being swung through the air at high speeds, and quickly opened her front door to see, to her shock, that a large, flying object was descending onto her property.

The object was the size of a minivan, and it was perfectly round, with a metallic sheen all over it, and as Minerva watched, three metal legs descended from it in three different directions, until it was standing upright in front of her house. Then, a previously-invisible doorway opened in one side of the strange space ship, because that was definitely what it was, and out came a most abnormal being.

It wasn't really a well-defined being, with a definite form, but a slimy-looking, green thing with three eyes, a needle-like antenna on top of its... body... maybe, and several large, slimy tentacles protruding from it in various other directions. The rest of it just looked like a big, green lump. Minerva felt absolutely grossed out as the creature waved one of its tentacles, and a weird-looking device materialized in it.

Just then, one of the creature's eyes seemed to catch sight of the magnificent mink, and both of its other eyes rotated through its slimy body to face her at that instant as well. Minerva immediately ran back into her house and closed the door, then locked it, panting hard, but only a moment later, a thin beam of light severed the door lock and both hinges, and the door came crashing down behind Minerva, as the large slime creature approached, still carrying its ray gun in one tentacle.

"You know, must guys j-just send flowers." Minerva tried to joke, but when she said that, the being before her stopped for a second, its whole body expanding and contracting, as if it were breathing in some strange, alien way that it hadn't done since it had landed.

Quickly, another odd device materialized inside the gooey alien, and started to glow. Then, Minerva was absolutely amazed as the monster spoke to her in one of the most compassionate, sensitive voices that she'd ever heard.

"That was most refreshing. Do it again, please."

"Do what?" Minerva asked, "What did I do?"

"The progion flex that you just performed was the most intense I have ever felt. Please do it again."

"I really don't think our relationship is that serious." Minerva said, backing away slightly, but that remark seemed to make the creature very happy, as he pulsed again, sighing in delight.

"It has been too long since sufficient progion has been present in my system to make me feel true bliss. Thank you."

"Uh... You're welcome." Minerva said, very confused.

"I must seem like a horrible intruder." the beast said, "My name is Greel, and I am from another galaxy, you see. My race feeds off an energy reaction called progion, which corrects a natural emotional instability within our minds. Feeding our physical bodies is simple, but some of our people spend their whole lives in search of sufficient progion to support their mental well-being. You have given me more than I will ever need."

"I still don't get it." Minerva said, scratching her head a little, "How could I give you something if I don't even know what it is?"

"At one time, we'd suspected that progion existed only when intelligent life-forms committed to one another," Greel said, "but you generate a field of progion on your own that is thousands of times stronger than any union, and it grows even stronger when you speak, move, or act in a way that implies or references deep emotion."

"You should see me kiss." Minerva remarked, but that seemed to cause Greel to swell to nearly twice his previous size.

"Please." he said, "No more. I haven't enough room in my form to contain... Wait."

For a few seconds, Greel chirped and clicked in a strange, alien language, then began to shrink back to his ordinary size.

"My ship is drawing the excess progion into its batteries." Greel said, "I should be alright now."

"We'll see." Minerva replied, smiling. It was hard to believe that she'd been afraid of Greel when he'd first arrived, since he looked so vulnerable and timid. That was when Minerva got a brilliant idea.

"Say, Greel." she said, "A date of mine just canceled, and I don't have anyone to go to a costume party with."

"I... I..." Greel muttered, the computers in his spacecraft working to keep him stable, "I have no costume."

"Well, in your case, I'm sure my friends won't mine. Is it safe to touch you?"

"I... am safe to the touch. I can control every cell of my form."

"I'll bet you say that to all the girls from other planets." Minerva said, squinting at him sideways with a seductive smile.

"Oh... I... wow... hmm... whoa." Greel muttered as Minerva strutted off into the next room to get into her costume; her casual charm on full blast again, since she wasn't afraid anymore, and she was sure Greel could survive it.

* * *

Minerva arrived at the party, her arm threaded through one of Greel's tentacles, and everyone who looked at her; even the women, had to admit that her costume was indeed most flattering. She was dressed in a long, thin dress with bare ankles and bare arms, and she wore a crown on her head, and fake wings on her back, to make herself look like a faerie. Greel had arrived at the party as himself, of course; the slime-creature from outer space.

"Whoa." One guy said, staring, "Those have gotta be the two best costumes I've ever seen."

"Thank you very much." Minerva said, drawing Greel into the center of the room, and was pleased to see that every part of him remained intact and solid as he moved. The music started up, and soon, everyone was either dancing, eating or chatting. Many of the guys wanted to dance with Minerva, but she'd just brush her fingers against their lips or foreheads whenever they got too close, and most of them fainted dead away just from that.

Whenever Greel saw her do that, he could feel the computers aboard his ship working to rebalance his body chemistry. At last, when over two thirds of the male population of the party was strewn out on the floor, Greel grabbed Minerva's hands in his own, long tentacles, and she heard his voice again.

"I... I can't do this. Minerva, I've never met anyone like you. It's not just the progion anymore. The continual progion onslaught is making me feel chemically-elated in some ways, but it's more than that. You... You enjoy your life so much... Others love you, and you love yourself and them, and I am unaccustomed to seeing that. It's really that; not the progion supply that makes you alone a unique denizen of all the stars in the universe. Oh, if only I could pluck them all out, so that the whole of existence could be begun again, with you as its dawn. What a happy place existence would be; filled so much with love."

"Wouldn't the universe split in two if there were more than one like me to give love to existence?" Minerva asked, drawing closer to Greel.

"There is too much emptiness in the universe." Greel replied, "But... but maybe it would. Maybe the universe itself would be split open if your love were multiplied, and I can think of no better excuse for the end of time to come about, than because there was too much love and compassion to be contained by the first five dimensions."

"If you feel that way about the universe... what about yourself?" Minerva asked, amazed.

"Yes." Greel responded, "I'd give every cell in my form, and a hundred thousand stars besides to feel love so much within myself as it is within you; an endless fountain overflowing onto all I met."

"Then I'll just have to grant your wish." Minerva said, dragging Greel outside into the moonlight, where she puckered up and leaned forward, and Greel's antenna, apparently the source of his voice, lowered to reach her lips.

A huge explosion shook the whole party, and those who were still conscious rushed to see what it could be. Minerva Mink was lying on the ground; green slime all over her, and covering the surrounding grass. She looked horribly sad, but recognized the poetry of her situation, even if no one else could, as her close, female friends helped her to get up and started wiping off the slime.

* * *

Later that night, as Minerva Mink trudged home from the party, she felt like weeping. She'd been so sure that Greel would be alright. She'd thought his strange physiology or alien technology would save him from her kiss, but it seemed she'd miscalculated. Was her love factor really more powerful than any other force in the universe? If so, the triumph over the universe had been a bittersweet one at best.

However, as Minerva opened the door to her house, which Greel had repaired with another of his weird machines, before they'd left for the party, she felt something strange on her left leg. When Minerva looked to see what it was, however, what she saw was a piece of green slime, sliding down her leg, off her shoe to the ground. Immediately, Minerva remembered Greel's words to her earlier that day, as she watched it slither away, along the ground towards the space ship, amazed.

"I can control every cell of my form."

"Thanks for the great time." Minerva said, delighted as she watched more slimy green pieces of Greel slithering into the space ship from a number of other directions, "I'll see you again."

Then, Minerva re-entered her house and went to bed.

* * *

It was several hours before Greel had been able to successfully reconstitute into one piece, but he didn't regret any of it. The whole date had been the most gloriously wonderful experience he'd ever had.

"Computer," he said, "What is the level of the progion on board?"

"The progion main and reserve tanks are full." the computer replied.

"Full?" Greel was absolutely astonished, "How can that be? Those tanks can contain enough progion to provide for my whole race for eons if need be!"

"The tanks filled to capacity at galactic cycle time 12:67:39." the computer said, "A spike of progion was detected at your position of an indeterminable size; at least several thousand times the capacity of the tanks."

"The... the kiss." Greel remarked in amazement, "Several... several thousand times... My Glorm... Several thousand... My whole race will progress into an era of delight such as it has never known, for hundreds of thousands of years to come, and... it was only the tip of the iceberg. Perhaps the universe would be split open, Minerva Mink... Yes, perhaps..."

Then, Greel turned on the engines of his spacecraft and set the controls to take him back to his native dome. He was no longer afraid that his precursors would be upset with his tardiness. In fact, he suspected he might be seen as his planet's greatest hero for the rest of his natural duration.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, that date went a lot better than I expected it to. I even got a kiss. On the next episode of Minktales, though, it's Halloween at last, and I've decided to go trick-or-treating in the neighborhood of my parents, and, no longer burdened by restraining personal fears, I'm finally going to have the chance to talk to both of them at once. But there may be something my mother has that I'm looking for. Will I get what I want? Would it even be the best thing for me? It's secrets in parenting for those with extreme, uncontrollable beauty on the next Minktales, and I hope I'll see you all there."


	63. Issue 63: The Monster in

Minktales

Issue 63

"The Monster in the Monster Mask"

"There you are. Three for you. Three for you. There you are. What a terrifying goblin! I have to give you some candy!" Lisa Milton smiled as she handed out candy to the many young humans and toons approaching her door in costumes. Some costumes were expensively-made; others were little more than face paint and an outfit of a matching color, but Lisa liked all of them. Everyone had made an effort.

Lisa was herself dressed up as Supergirl, while her husband was wearing a matching Superman outfit. That was the role of adult costumes on Halloween. When one got older, Halloween costumes were worn while handing out candy to younger people who were seeking it, as they walked around the neighborhood in adorable outfits. For an older person to be seen in a costume, carrying a bag and visiting houses, looking for treats was almost unheard of. If an adult wanted treats, after all, they could just buy them.

Nevertheless, that Halloween evening, as Lisa Milton handed out candy to children, she found a shadow falling over her, and stood upright again, to get a better look at the figure that was standing next in line, a bag under one arm and a purse under the other. Her body shape was clearly female, but she was covered in bandages from head to foot, like a mummy. The issue was that the figure was definitely an adult.

"Aren't you getting a little old to be on this side of the doorway?" Lisa asked, suspiciously.

"Well, yes." the woman in the mummy outfit said, "So maybe you'd better let me inside."

At once, Lisa recognized the voice of the person under the bandages.

"Minerva? Minerva, honey, is that you?" Lisa asked, amazed.

"That's right." Minerva Mink replied cheerfully, though her expressions were completely hidden under the bandages she was wearing, half as a costume and half to protect her father from having to look at her and be unnaturally drawn to her.

"Honey, it's... our daughter!" Lisa exclaimed to her husband, recently renamed Gary Milton, "She's all wrapped up in bandages. I can't see an inch of her! Isn't that wonderful?"

Hesitantly, Gary Milton stepped out of the kitchen, where he'd been roasting pumpkin seeds with salt, and saw his daughter; all dressed up like a mummy in the doorway, then quickly rushed forward and embraced her. His fur couldn't make even the slightest contact with hers through the bandages, which was, naturally, for the best.

"I was so terrified at first, when I heard you'd found us." Gary said, "But I'm not scared of you anymore."

"Daddy?" Minerva asked, "Are you so much more scared of me than you are of a mummy?"

Gary's face fell when she asked that, but he replied sadly, "You're dressed as a monster at the moment, Minerva. That's undeniable, but the monster underneath is much more dangerous. At least... to me it is."

By that point, Lisa had closed the door, allowing Minerva to step inside with her heavily-bandaged feet, after she hung a sign outside the door, reading "ring doorbell for candy."

"So, have you two been doing alright since you ran off?" Minerva asked.

"I'm... I'm okay." Gary said, "It's sad, but... sometimes I miss the old Minerva. The one with the freckles and discolored fur."

"Ugh." Minerva exclaimed, folding her arms, "That makes one of us. Believe me, Daddy. I have no intention of going back to that, thank you very much."

"I know... I... Well, we're doing alright, money-wise." Gary said sadly, "Your mother's second wish earned us lot in insurance from one of her broken pots."

"You're kidding!" Minerva exclaimed, amazed, "Mother, your second wish broke one of your old pots? I always thought they were on top of your list of things you cared about!"

"Not even close." Lisa replied, "They're a hobby, Minerva. That's all."

"Do you still have the bottle with the... you know... the wish thing?"

"That's right." Lisa replied with a nod, "One wish left. I'm saving it for a rainy day."

"So, how about you? What have you been doing since we left?" Gary asked, "I mean, I know you made it big in cartoons and movies, but..."

"Daddy!" Minerva exclaimed, "Are you actually asking me about my social life?"

Gary just looked at his feet when she asked that question, though.

"Actually, it's going pretty well." Minerva said, "I have a lot of good friends, and only a couple real enemies."

"We were worried you wouldn't be able to get along without us, at first." Lisa admitted.

"Oh, come on, mom." Minerva said with a smile, "I mean, almost every man I meet falls at my feet, eager to do my most trivial bidding. With an advantage like that, just about anybody could get along in life unsupervised. Still..."

Minerva looked at her feet as she said that, and felt she'd slipped up in something she'd said, though she knew her words had been perfectly honest.

"You missed having us around." Lisa observed with a smile, "At least, you missed having someone around to talk to when you got lonely."

"It was lonely." Minerva admitted sadly, "I... I didn't like you back then, mom. I didn't think you really cared about me, and there were times when I was so angry with you, and I wanted you to disappear, but there were things about you... about both of you that I missed too. Whether one of those is more important than the other, I don't know, but we can't be a typical family anymore. I know that. I'm glad things turned out this way, but... Well, I guess I wouldn't mind being able to turn my love factor on and off."

"Well, let's not get greedy." Lisa said with a smile, "No one can have everything they want; not even me."

"Yeah." Minerva replied, "I guess you're right. Oh. By the way, Daddy; you'll never guess who I'm dating now. He eats carrots and he's a toon, and he has big, floppy ears..."

"You're joking!" Gary exclaimed, "You snared Bugs Bunny? You can't do that, Minerva! What would he say if you ever lost your 'love thing' and he found out he'd been tricked?"

Minerva's arms slumped to her sides when she heard Gary say that, and her expression was probably a disappointed one.

"Daddy, I didn't trick him. Bugs is immune to my charm. He likes me for my good humor and honesty."

"Im-immune?" Gary asked, "You mean there are men who...? I wonder why he's one of them."

"S'funny." Minerva said, "I'm not sure. I always figured it was sorta random."

"Well, I mean, why him and not..." Gary stopped right there, because he could feel his wife's hand on his shoulder, and he had to admit that she was probably right. He'd already said more than enough in that direction. Moaning over his inability to withstand Minerva Mink's appearance would just make her feel worse, and she hadn't really done anything to deserve that kind of punishment.

"Anyway, I'm meeting him later tonight." Minerva said with a smile, "But I've had a lot of interesting and weird experiences this month, that I'll have to write to you about."

"Well, of course." her father replied with a smile, "It's October."

* * *

The discussion of the three of them lasted only a short while after that, before Minerva gave each one another big hug and headed back out the door to meet with Bugs, who was standing outside, near a tree; a Pharaoh's headdress obscuring his large, floppy ears.

However, as Lisa Milton closed the door for the last time on Halloween night, she sighed sadly.

"I've never had a closer call than that." Lisa said to her husband, "Every time, she drives closer and closer to asking me to give her the power to control her love factor, and every time, I have to work harder to change the subject without directly refusing. Tonight was a very risky experience."

"You think so?" Gary asked, smiling, "I'd say we arrived at something of an understanding tonight."

"Huh?" Lisa asked, confused, "I don't get it."

"Do you remember before we were married; what first attracted you to me?" Gary asked, "Do you remember why you agreed to go out on that first date with me?"

"Yeah." Lisa replied, smiling, "I'll never forget. It was the way you paid such close attention to me; the way you always did the little things I wanted done, even before I said them, and..."

However, in just a moment, Lisa had stopped speaking, when she'd realized what Gary had been trying to say.

"The way I read between the lines." Gary finished, "Minerva is never going to be a great detective, Lisa, but she's inherited that much from me. She knows how to read between the lines when someone says something, and she knows you could give her the power she says she wanted. In fact, I'd be very surprised if she doesn't also know what your reasoning is. You pretty much stated it outright tonight."

"But... Then what'll she do about that?" Lisa exclaimed, starting to get worried.

"If she were going to try to argue with you about this, she would have threatened to show her face to me and forced you to give her the bottle." Gary said, "But I think that as much as Minerva Mink has used her good looks in the past to get what she wants from people, she loves you too much to betray you. Our daughter has a good heart, Lisa. She's done the right thing."

"Did I do the right thing?" Lisa asked, looking up at Gary, "You know my reasoning. Was I right?"

"I don't know whether being able to turn off her love powers would be good for Minerva or not," Gary admitted a moment later with a shrug, "but you were right. No one should have everything they want. For the moment, I'm glad she has what she needs, just like we do."

Lisa thought about that for a little while, unsure of what to say at first, before she leaned forward to embrace her husband, whispering, "Yes. So am I."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, that's it for the monster tales of October, but the Minktales aren't over just yet. This next one's a little shorter to read than most, because it's all in verse. I'm a beautiful princess at the top of a tower, whose father has decided that I'm too demanding, so he wants to marry me off. Personally, I can't wait to see what happens."

* * *

Note to readers; I honestly didn't consider introducing any other characters in this issue, or dwelling on Minerva's journey through the neighborhood. I could have, I guess, but using Mr. Skull Head as a gag midway through the story was something I definitely could have done and just didn't think of. Maybe I'll bring him in in a later issue. Yes. That's inspiring.


	64. Issue 64: Tower Princess

Minktales

Issue 64

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Tower Princess"

Some time ago, in far-off lands,  
a princess lived, who made demands.  
"This I want." the princess moaned,  
"or that or this," she then intoned.  
The problem was, this princess picky  
to deny her was quite tricky.

In her eyes, her lips, her hair,  
she was the fairest of the fair,  
and so when'ere the king would try  
to tell her no, or tell her why,  
his will at once she'd steal away,  
then what she wanted, he'd convey.

In the end, the king exclaimed,  
"I must find some way to force her  
to leave this castle, leave this place  
so that I'll be no longer shamed."

"But how can I get her to leave,  
when every time I see her face,  
I find myself a babe within  
the web of love she's known to weave."

Then the king had a grand idea  
and celebrated with a drink,  
saying "I know just how to rid  
myself of dear Minerva Mink."

"I'll call upon all princes strong  
and brave in all the land,  
to climb the stairs to her tower  
and win her lovely hand."

The first prince came all decked with lace  
with ribbons and with charm and grace.  
He climbed up, whistling a chord,  
and from his hip, unslung his sword.  
The princess gave his lace a cuddle,  
leaving him a helpless puddle.

The second came, from farthest north,  
He brought no gloves nor trimmings forth.  
His strength could tear a tree in two,  
without his axe of silver hue.  
Up he went, with beard so brown,  
yet at her touch, he fell back down.

The king would watch with rage and fear  
as every prince from every land  
would climb those dreaded tower stairs  
then within moments, disappear.

"Is there no one" the king roared,  
"who can stand up to my dear girl?  
For just one man of strength like that  
I'd offer quite a large reward!"

But princes came and princes went  
and no reward was handed out  
as every time and time again  
each one Minerva Mink would route.

Each prince would pass out on the floor  
at just a slight embrace or kiss,  
and then Minerva would remark  
"Do all you girls face stuff like this?"

The king was on his last resort,  
as more and more, his schemes she'd thwart,  
and then one day, Minerva came  
into the throne room to proclaim,  
"Never mind that mirrored cup.  
I want a man who can stand up."

The king was filled with joy and glee  
as his fair daughter, with that plea  
had said that what she wanted next  
was what was making him so vexed.  
So the king said to his girl  
"Help me find this prince or earl."

The princess soon left far behind  
the whining of her past as she  
began an earnest search for one  
by whom she need not be declined.

Soon the search had filled her life.  
Minerva traveled far and wide,  
seeking a strong and brilliant man,  
to whom she could be called a wife.

Did she ever find that man?  
Does this story have an end?  
For all I know, it might be you  
this princess will at last befriend.

One thing we know and know for sure,  
as sure as two plus one is three,  
the king once more knew happiness,  
because once more the king was free.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I hope you all enjoyed that. It's hard to act in verse. Next time, though, I'm sure the subject matter will be boring for readers. Why? Because it's boring to me. I mean, it's a Saturday, and it's raining out. You don't realize how many of your favorite activities take place outdoors until you can't do them anymore, and I don't know how I'm going to manage, honestly. Well, everyone has slow days, but I guess I don't mind if you tune in anyway, to learn what I'm forced to do when I get bored on the next Minktales."


	65. Issue 65: Bad Weather Day

Minktales

Issue 65

"Bad Weather Day"

Though Minerva Mink had made it big in show business, and there was no shortage of offers anymore in television and advertising, there was one thing she'd insisted upon for her own sake, and that was weekends. Minerva may have been a big cartoon star, but she was also a girl, and she needed at least a couple of days a week to relax and unwind, and to work on the sheen of her coat. On both Saturday and Sunday during the weekend, Minerva would take a long, warm bath. In the spring or summer, she found she could take cool dips outside in the pool, although late autumn and winter meant indoor baths. Then, regardless of the season, Minerva would take a chair outside, dress appropriately to the temperature, and just stare up at the sky for a while, basking in the natural light of the friendly sun.

Still, every so often, that wasn't possible, due to what Minerva called "bad weather."

On a particular Saturday in question, Minerva had just finished her bath, which had done wonders for the sheen of her coat and tail, and was about to head outside, when she saw, to her dismay, that it was an absolute downpour out there. She probably could have heard the sound of rain on the roof of her log house if she'd been paying attention, but she'd been too busy humming to herself, and dreaming about her next big date, or the upcoming magazines she was likely to receive sometime in next week or so.

"Oh, darn." Minerva muttered as the rain kept coming down, "What do I do now?"

It was a novel question, because it hadn't rained on a weekend since Minerva had first been hired on by Emotionutty, and she didn't really have a set plan for dealing with that kind of situation. Many of her favorite activities were, she realized then, of an outdoor sort. Going for a jog, strutting through the forest, through the city, going shopping, meeting with her friends. Even when she went for a drive in her convertible, she usually left the hood down, but of course, all of that was off-limits.

For a while, Minerva Mink tried to amuse herself by practicing with her makeup, but she was already pretty sure she'd mastered the art of applying it. Then, she sorted the clothes in her closet by various things, like the color, texture and manufacturer, but when she'd done that three times, she was bored again, and the storm still didn't show any signs of letting up.

For a little while, Minerva toyed with the idea of calling up one of her friends and inviting them over, or just talking to them for a while over the phone, but if she was going to talk to them at all, it would probably have been better to just visit them herself, and soon, she'd realized that she really had no desire to step outside during the pouring rain, especially since her umbrella had burned up not long ago, and she'd been too busy to get another one. It might not be very friendly to ask her friends to do something she didn't want to do herself.

With those thoughts in her mind, Minerva Mink walked over to the couch and picked up a book from nearby.

"How to succeed in romance..." yadda yadda. She'd read it about a dozen times already. She carefully checked under the couch for more books, finding one copy of "Managing Delicate Artifacts" that her mother had apparently left there years ago, as well as two pennies and a quarter, but when Minerva looked out the window again, there was still no sun to be seen.

Minerva Mink was utterly out of things to do. The thought of putting the bead back into the statuette in her bathroom just for kicks crossed her mind, but it probably wouldn't do anything anymore, so instead, she just wandered back into her bedroom and collapsed on her bed; bored, upset and discontented as she closed her eyes.

* * *

As soon as Minerva's eyes were closed, her bedroom vanished, and although she could still hear the rain outside on the roof and ground, it was easy enough to ignore. It was just her and darkness, and in some ways, that was a little better.

Minerva lay there, basking in the nothingness for just over a minute before she began to feel as if there ought to be something else there.

"No rain." she reasoned silently, "But let's have some sunlight."

Then, just as she thought that very thing, Minerva Mink found her face being bathed in glorious rays of light, and smiled delightedly as she came to a realization. She was a toon, of course. She could make it all happen!

Quickly, up sprung ground in Minerva's mind, then grass and trees, with birds singing in them. It was bright and sunny, and Minerva was laying on a futon she'd brought outdoors. It was all in her head, of course, but it still seemed so real.

Minerva basked in the glow of the imaginary sun for just over half an hour before she came to a decision and opened her eyes; the drenched, dreary day forcing its way back in through her open eyelids.

"I'm going to try that again." Minerva said aloud, "But this time, with visual aids."

Quickly, Minerva exercised her cartoon powers to their greatest level, and began manifesting a sunlamp, an electric fan, a portable heater, and a bucket of sand from thin air, then attaching them to the ceiling and walls. When she was done, her bedroom had become an artificial ecosystem, which regulated temperature and bright light, just like being outdoors on a sunny day. It wouldn't do much for her fur, but with those factors in place, pretending that the weather was good would be much easier, so as she dressed in her bathing suit, then lay down in the sand that covered the wooden floor of her bedroom, Minerva had to smile when she closed her eyes again. It was perfect. She could hear the wind in the distance (the sound of her electric fan blowing air in from the next room) and see the glow of the lamp through her eyelids, and feel the heat (from the heater) beating down on her, and on top of all that, with the sand underneath her, it was just like being at the beach.

"But why stop there?" Minerva exclaimed with delight, opening her eyes again, and running into the next room to get a radio.

* * *

For nearly two hours, Minerva Mink had the radio on as she lay, both eyes closed in her self-created beach, listening to the people on the radio arguing about this and that, just like they would have at a real beach, and calling forth visions of those very things in her mind's eye. It was just as good as any trip she'd ever made to a real beach.

However, after those first couple of hours, Minerva started to wonder, still with both eyes tightly shut, whether she couldn't do even better than that. Why not, she reasoned, try something besides just a beach? Why not make something entirely new?

* * *

Minerva Mink was alone. She could still hear the radio off in the distance, transmitting sound from the land she lived in, but she didn't really recognize the place she'd wound up in. Stormy clouds hovered on the edge of the horizon in nearly all directions, but where she was, the rays of sunlight streamed down from a diagonal direction, onto the cliff side that towered above her. No more than a yard away, the waves splashed against the shore with a soft, lapping sound, although the shore itself was made entirely of hard stone, as was the cliff side. Minerva wasn't sure what kind of place she'd found herself in, but she suspected it was an island of some kind. It looked like an island from where she was. She certainly couldn't see any larger land masses for it to connect to.

She wasn't sure about anything in that strange place, but the cliff descended gradually from the edges, so she decided to start climbing. Quickly, she got up, feeling the hard rocks underneath her feet as she braced herself against the cliff and headed over to one side, then started climbing up the steep slope from that rocky edge, away from the ocean. It was the only visible way to get to the top of the cliff, and it might well be her only chance to keep from being swept away if they tide came in later.

Minerva Mink was out of breath by the time she got to the top of the cliff, and her legs were feeling very tired from the workout, but what she saw at the top of that cliff was so amazing that it made all the exertion worth it...

* * *

The beautiful creature's eyes fluttered open, to see the small visual aids she'd set up not long ago around her room, and smiled as she started to take them down. The rain was gone, the sun was setting, and Minerva Mink was starting to get hungry.

"Maybe," she reasoned as she turned off the fan and the heater, and removed the lamp from the ceiling, "There'll be time for a short trip into town after all. That is... if I'm feeling like it."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Actually, that wasn't so bad. I think I even discovered a thing or two I didn't know before, but next up on Minktales is another cartoon. It's been a while since Newt and I had ourselves an ordinary little run-in, and this time, it's a run-in with a seafaring theme. Newt wants to be respected among the pirates, so he goes to shore, and... Well, I'm not going to spoil the whole thing, but you know how I tend to shake things up..."


	66. Issue 66: Shiver My Heart

Minktales

Issue 66

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Shiver My Heart"

Hundreds of years ago, deep in the Caribbean...

* * *

"Land ho, Captain! Land ho!"

"Aha!" the Captain replied with a smile that displayed his many poorly-groomed teeth, "That'll be the port of Henrytown! They say there's riches aplenty in the pockets of its people, and wenches fair; unrivaled anywhere else in the world."

Then, turning to his first mate, the captain asked "How many we need to slaughter to make this catch, do you think?"

However, the answer surprised Captain Loes quite a bit.

"Sir, these reports we pilfered seem to say that there... um... ain't no guards in that there town. Not much in the way of law enforcement neither. They've got themselves a governor, but she don't seem to have nobody to keep folks in line."

"What?" the captain roared, "Nobody? That's preposterous! But... hmmm... Mate, this here's the chance I've been lookin' for to get rid of that 'unwanted cargo' I was tellin' ye about."

* * *

In only moments, Newt was up on deck. He didn't rank high on that pirate ship. In fact, he was the cabin boy; perhaps the least respected rank there was. They'd placed him in that position because as hard as the other pirates had tried to teach him about the struggle for total freedom that drove all pirates, Newt was just too stuffy, and much too willing to obey others. He could never have made a good pirate, and that was why the others had become fed up with him, and in the end, decided to get rid of him.

Of course, the Captain; a dark-bearded man named Loes, could have just run Newt through at any time, but it would, he reasoned, be so much easier and more amusing to just place the little fellow in a seemingly-harmless situation, and let him destroy himself with his own incompetence. The town they were approaching was perhaps the best example of that kind of situation. Clearly, the place was a trap for unwary pirates. The reports said that they had no guards or legal officers, and of course that was absurd. No place could keep people in line without guards of some kind. Therefore, the town was armed to the teeth and was simply disguising it to lure pirates into a trap. It was an obvious ploy to someone like Captain Loes, but Newt... Newt would have no idea what he was getting himself into.

Captain Loes grinned that rotten-toothed grin of his as he looked down at Newt, who was less than half his height and announced his plans.

"Newt, that there town is a perfect pigeon, just waiting to be pillaged and sacked. They say there ain't so much as a single guard in there, and to me, that says it's easy pickings. Of course, we could all have our fun taking what we want 'o that town, but why waste our time? I mean, anybody could pick a town like this clean. Even you!"

"Even... even me?" Newt asked, sheepishly, looking up at Loes.

"Aye!" the Captain replied, "This be yer chance to prove yerself a worthy pirate. If ye can bring back the greatest treasure of that town there without any mishaps, I'll get some other swab to be me cabin boy, and ye'll be one o' them fellows what mans the cannons instead. But if ye can't... Don't bother trying to come back aboard me ship. Ye'll never get an easier job than this. Understand?"

He was trying his best to nod when the Captain picked him up and tossed him into a longboat, then cut the rope tying it to the ship with his sword, and the whole crew of the "Golden Falcon" watched, laughing as Newt paddled to shore in the leaky, worn-out boat.

* * *

Newt's boat gave out on him and sank a few yards from shore, which meant that he was soaked by the time he made it to Henrytown, but that hadn't much dampened his spirits, which was what was really important. As Newt wandered into the middle of town, he had to admit, it certainly looked like the place had money. Everybody was talking, or moving around or doing business of some kind, and the buildings were well-designed, particularly the Governor's Mansion on one side of town, but as advertised, there didn't seem to be any guards around to protect the belongings of those people.

He felt, for a moment, that it wouldn't be sporting to rob people who were so utterly helpless, but slapped himself once across the face, just for thinking that way. He was going to be a real pirate. He couldn't concern himself with things like fairness and honesty. He had to be a ruthless cutthroat, and the first step to being a ruthless cutthroat was to be ruthless with someone; maybe even by cutting their throat.

As Newt pondered those things, two beautiful girls walked by him, waving hello as they passed. He was just about to wave back when his thoughts returned to his current situation, and he drew his sword; a tiny little thing of no more than a foot long. It was barely a dagger, really.

"Ar! Ar! Ar!" Newt exclaimed, waving his "sword" in the air as menacingly as he could, "I've come to pilfer your valuables, ladies! Take me to your most precious treasure!"

"Huh?" one of the ladies asked, seeming confused, as Newt continued to wave his sword in a manner that was swiftly becoming both tiring and just a little cute, "Precious...? Oh, I get it. You're one of those pirate guys. You'll want to talk to the governor about that. She lives in that big mansion on the edge of town."

"Arrrrrrr... ..." Newt muttered, "Thank you."

Then, he quickly rushed towards the mansion, hoping against hope that pirates were allowed to say "thank you."

* * *

After a short walk, Newt arrived at the mansion, still carrying his sword in one hand, and knocked on the governor's door with a short, swift rap. The door quickly opened, revealing a tall, plump maid with a curious look on her face.

"Who're you?" the maid asked, "Never seen you before."

"Um..." Newt muttered, quickly losing confidence, since the maid was at least as tall as Loes, "I've... um... ar..."

"Oh, a pirate, eh?" the maid asked, "Alright, I'll get the governor."

Then, the maid left, leaving the door open, and Newt, not knowing what else to do, wandered inside. Once inside the mansion, however, he could hear the sound of the maid speaking with a girl who was probably the governor.

"A pirate? Oh, boy! It's been so long!"

"Now, you be careful with this one, dear. He looks timid."

"What do you mean? He's a pirate, isn't he?"

"Well, he seems to think he is, but I'm not so sure..."

Following the sound of the voices, Newt searched carefully through the rooms of the mansion, until he saw something that froze him in his tracks.

There was the maid, just as he'd seen her in the doorway, and she was speaking with a mink. The mink wasn't that much taller than Newt himself, but she was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen. At the very sight of her, his ears started twisting around one another, and all the air was drained from his lungs. He could feel pressure building in his feet as his eyes began to grow larger, and pretty soon, the girl seemed to notice him as he struggled in vain to get his lungs to absorb a little air.

"Oh, my!" the Mink, who was dressed in a large, pink gown exclaimed, "You must be mister pirate! How do you do? I'm Minerva Mink."

"H-h-h-h heeeehhhhh... Here for... Whoa!" Newt exclaimed, barely able to fit two syllables together, "M-m-most p-precious... t-t-treasure."

"That's right." Minerva replied with an innocent-looking smile, "And you are?"

Newt couldn't answer, however, because he'd fainted dead away.

* * *

"Captain Loes..." the first mate said anxiously, leaning into the Captain's cabin.

"I said not yet, blast ye!" the Captain exclaimed angrily, from where he was sitting and writing, "We wait twenty-four hours! Give the swabbie the chance to get himself in some real trouble!"

"B-but sir!" his first mate replied, "Th-there's a longboat approaching us from Henrytown."

"WHAT?" the Captain roared, "Let me see this!"

Quickly, moving with the limp that he was known for, the Captain stepped out on deck and seized a telescope from the belt of one of his men, then looked out towards the shore, where sure enough, a boat was approaching. Two figures were aboard, and one of them waved in the friendliest manner...

The moment he saw that wave, Loes keeled over in a faint, and all the others began to get scared. They'd never seen a man like Loes pass out before, without much injury or rum, which amounted to the same thing in the end.

However, the longboat continued to advance on them. It was clearly not theirs, which probably meant that it belonged to someone living in Henrytown, and soon, it was clattering against the side of their ship, and every pirates aboard looked over the side, to find their gaze helplessly fixed upon the sole conscious inhabitant of the boat.

"Yoo hoo!" Minerva exclaimed, "Might one of you nice, strong pirates help me get up there? I can't jump quite that high, you see..."

In moments, ropes were lowered to the boat, and it was pulled up, at which point Minerva picked up the unconscious Newt, who was wrapped in a towel, and placed him on the ship's deck, then unwrapped the towel again. In only a moment more, Newt was regaining consciousness.

"Wow, he's good." Minerva mused, "It takes most guys days to recover from me. A strong man like him... Why, I'll bet he's your captain, right?"

The surrounding pirates couldn't speak for a moment. All they could do was stare. Then, as one, they rushed forward, and Minerva responded by holding out both arms, both hands limp as if being offered to a peasant to kiss.

Seven men grabbed Minerva by the arms.

Seven men passed out on deck as Newt slowly, shakingly got to his feet, the rest of the men in that crew staring in fear and awe at the vision that was too strong for all of them.

"I'll be in the cabins," Minerva replied with a smirk as she took the large-brimmed hat from the head of the fainted Loes and handed it to Newt, "but just let me know if these scallywags give you any more trouble, honey. Believe it or not, I HAVE done this before."

Then, Minerva stepped over the unconscious men that covered the deck of the ship, and around the few conscious ones, to the door at the side of the ship, and vanished into it.

* * *

"But why Taranira Island, sir?" the first mate asked.

"I heard there was treasure buried there long ago." Newt replied with a smile, "An old ship's captain left it there, and never returned to claim it."

"Some of the men have been complaining that we haven't turned much swag lately." the first mate replied, but Newt just smiled.

"Well, they shouldn't complain to me." he said, "I'm just the Captain. If they really want to complain, they can always complain to my dear Governor Mink..."

"N-no sir!" the first mate exclaimed, "P-please no! Ever since we heard from yer cabin boy what... I mean... That ain't necessary sir."

"Glad to hear it." Newt said with the friendliest smile.

* * *

Minerva smiled as she drifted off to sleep. She had that whole side of the ship to herself, aside from the cabin boy, who was a couple rooms down. The poor guy had lousy teeth and a limp, plus he tended to do a lot of fainting, but at least he always did what she told him to...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Every so often, even the best of us are shocked by weird situations that take us by surprise. In the next Minktales, the studio's been moved over the weekend, but no one told me, so that puts me in something of an embarrassing situation as you might imagine. I just hope everything turns out alright and no one gets hurt too badly. I'll see you then."


	67. Issue 67: A Nice Set

Minktales

Issue 67

"A Nice Set"

"Alright. I think that's about all I need to know." Ron said as the makeup people finished working on him, and he put down the script, "So there's the argument scene, then three investigation scenes, and one about the fight. That'll be the hardest."

"Then after that, we're doing some scenes about how the characters felt about what happened, same as usual." the director finished, "You'll only be in two of those."

"Got it." Ron said as the sound man ran a couple tests in the background. It was a typical day on the set.

As the cameras were set up in the miniature half-rooms the set was contained in, everyone took their places. The lighting on the cameras was turned up, the lights on the ceiling were turned down, and the director gestured for the cameras to start shooting, then a few moments later, signaled the actors to start.

"Jane..." Ron said in the role of his character Patrick.

"Patrick." Cindy remarked, "Why did you come here? I thought I told you that..."

Suddenly, there was a commotion outside, interrupting the take, as the door burst open, and in barged a very distressed-looking toon, who instantly drew the gaze of every man on the set, including the sound engineer and the director.

"I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry." Minerva exclaimed, "I know. It's late. I overslept. Well? Can we start over from the top?"

"W-what did you want to start?" the director blurted out on impulse.

Minerva looked a little surprised for a few moments, but then she said, "New director. Got it. Somebody needs to get you protective glasses, big guy. For anyone but me, that might have been taken the wrong way."

"If you d-didn't take THAT the wrong way..." Ron exclaimed, leaping forward off the set, "May I please... kiss your hand?"

"Well, let's not take advantage of it." Minerva said, "Enough is enough."

"S-sorry... I... I don't want to hurt you. Really..." Ron gasped.

Swiftly, Minerva turned to the director and remarked "Cute kid." at which point both Ron and the director passed out on the floor, though each for different reasons.

"What do you think you're doing here?" Cindy exclaimed, getting up from her place on the set and deciding to put an end to the interruption.

"Well, I work here." Minerva said, then seeming to lose some small part of her legendary self-assurance (which was a significant boost to Cindy's ego,) she asked "Don't I?"

"No. No, you don't." Cindy said, "This studio was bought by Warner Brothers over the weekend. Lawrence Kagera said he'd sent memos to everyone in the mail. Didn't you get one?"

"Um..." Minerva remarked, very confused, "No. Never got a memo, although I guess Larry could have sent one for all I know. My mailman's been a little... scarce lately."

"Well, if you believe me, then why don't you leave, so that we can continue doing our shoot?" Cindy asked, still looking upset.

"But I don't know where else to go!" Minerva exclaimed, "Did Larry tell you where the new studio would be?"

"I'm not his secretary." Cindy pointed out, drawing a look of some surprise from Minerva, "I'm just telling you what I overheard."

"Huh." Minerva muttered, looking around as if she were lost, "Well, do you know who I could ask about this? Who did you overhear talking about...?"

"Look, I don't even remember, alright?" Cindy exclaimed, "It was just some guy."

"Oh!" Minerva exclaimed, "That's easy then."

Swiftly spinning around to face the men on the set once more, Minerva exclaimed, "Yoo hoo! The first guy to find out where the new Emotionutty studio is gets a kiss!"

Instantly, every man in the studio started making calls, or rushing for the nearest computer, and Cindy scowled at Minerva as she watched the proceedings with a bright, sunny smile. Soon, one relatively short fellow with a slip of paper in one hand rushed forward, and Minerva happily took the paper from him, memorizing the address printed on it.

"Why thank you." Minerva said, "That was very sweet. You deserve something special."

Then, Minerva grabbed the small man's head in both hands, causing him to quiver all over as she planted a kiss right on his noggin. He was out just like that.

"He should be up and about in a couple hours." Minerva said, "Sorry about the interruption."

"Yeah." Cindy muttered angrily, as Minerva strutted happily out of the studio with the paper still in one hand.

* * *

"Where is she, anyway?" Miranda asked, looking at her watch.

"I don't know." Newt replied, "She should have been here by now, unless... Do you think she didn't get the memo?"

"I should have called her." Miranda said, worried, "I'm going down to the old studio to see if she's there. Call me on my cell if she arrives while I'm gone."

Swiftly, Miranda headed for the door, but just as she was reaching out to open in, it swung open very suddenly, smashing her in the nose, and in barged Minerva; bright, sunny and joyful as always. She pranced happily down to the stage as every male cast member averted their eyes, until they could put on their glasses.

"Sorry I'm late." Minerva explained, "Overslept, then went to the wrong studio. Well, is everybody ready?"

"It looks as though Miranda might not be quite ready yet." Newt remarked, pointing his thumb in her direction, at which Minerva put both hands over her mouth. Miranda's nose was clearly not that badly damaged, but Minerva could tell what had happened.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." Minerva exclaimed apologetically, then with a scolding tone to her voice, remarked, "You really shouldn't stand right behind doors, you know."

Miranda had moved back towards the set by that point, and simply remarked "Yeah. Alright, let's take our places. If we get this right the first time, we may all get done in time for dinner."

* * *

Ron sat on the chair in front of the mirror in his room. He used the mirror in some instances to make sure all the makeup was off after a shoot, but at that point, he could barely even look at himself. His head was bowed, his neck bent, and his spine was still shaking, even hours later, and with every five minute period of time that he passed through, he continued trying to hope that his heart might finally stop pounding like a base drum and resume its ordinary, rhythmic beat. Unfortunately, he hoped in vain.

"Oh, no..." Ron muttered, though there was no one to hear it but himself, "It's not stopping. What is this? I don't understand."

Of course, Ron was an actor. He'd been in the business of faking dramatic emotions for several years already, and yet, he could fake them so well because he'd seen them often in others, but was never really in any danger of feeling real, uncontrollable emotions himself. Acting was a science, not an experience. It required careful, precise control, and he couldn't have that kind of control if he was feeling too emotional himself.

"No, no, no!" Ron exclaimed, sweating profusely, "What if it NEVER stops? What if I can't ever act again? I'll be ruined, and I don't even... I don't... even..."

It was true, Ron realized with a horrified chill, though he dared not speak it aloud. As poorly as that new, overwhelming emotional experience boded for his career, he couldn't bring himself to feel bad about it, or to worry about it, or to care that his career might well be ruined by it. What did any of that matter? He was... He was in love...

* * *

Minerva smiled as she opened the door to her log house that evening and stepped inside, feeling around for a light switch for a moment, as she put the flower that one of the cast members had given her on the counter in her kitchen corner, but when the lights turned on, Minerva's jaw hung open in awe and amazement, and, a little bit, in horror, because it was then she realized the damage that her little accident that morning had done.

Bouquets of flowers were everywhere; on the sofa, on the kitchen table, on the floor... She even found one lying on her bed with a note attached to it, reading "My sweet Minerva. Please help me. My heart won't stop pounding. I don't know what to do. -Ronald Leiner-"

Minerva felt very uncomfortable with that note, mostly because she had enough experience with... well, with herself to know that what Ron was talking about was neither a metaphor nor a joke. Still, she'd had a hard enough day already, what with getting lost and being late for her shoot and such.

"I'll have to fix this somehow..." Minerva thought as she kicked aside a pile of flowers while removing her shoes, "But it can wait until tomorrow."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I'm not usually big on going to places with large crowds, but on the next Minktales, I have a little time off between seasons, and I've decided to use it to go to the circus. I'm not sure I'll like it as much as I did when I was little, but I feel I aught to give it a shot anyway, just in case. But will I be able to enjoy a circus? Will the circus be able to survive me? That's all next time, so I'll see you then!"


	68. Issue 68: The Prettiest Show on Earth

Minktales

Issue 68

"The Prettiest Show on Earth"

No matter who you are, no matter where you come from, no matter what you do for a living, every so often you get some time off, and decide to have some fun.

In the case of Minerva Mink; prettiest and most popular starlet of her generation, she was often very busy with cartoons and advertisement deals, not to mention press interviews with some of the best-known lady reporters on Earth regarding her new movie; "Unforbidden."

However, as the corporate fiscal year ended, and the offers that were coming in became offers for "an indefinite period" and "three months from now" instead of "next week," it quickly became obvious to Minerva that she was going to be able to take some time off, especially since the latest Emotionutty season was over, and she had a few weeks before the new shootings would start. In short, Minerva Mink had just enough time to herself to do all the things that would normally take much too long, or risk making her late for other engagements.

One such thing; which Minerva had wanted to do, but hadn't attempted since she was just a little girl, was go to the circus. Of course, Minerva tried to stay away from large crowds, and a circus was guaranteed to have plenty, but she had the time she needed to wave them off, when it came to that. It was the perfect opportunity to make her peace with some of her childhood memories.

With a smile on her face, and a gold-colored dress strapped to her waist with a black leather belt, Minerva had gotten into her convertible, turned the key in the ignition and drove down to the circus grounds, where she'd needed to do some careful coaxing to get the boy in the ticket booth to concentrate on his job, then had taken her ticket inside, and found her seat, though she'd had to do a little pushing and shoving to get to it, and three men fainted in their own seats because of a mere, light touch from her. By the time Minerva was seated, and the lights went down, every man and boy in the big top had been staring at her in awe, and even after the lights did go down, most of the guys in the five rows closest to Minerva continued to stare.

When the ringmaster appeared, he seemed not to be able to see her, which was probably for the best. The spotlights centered on him as he announced the schedule of what the acts would be, and Minerva laughed when a clown appeared and did a humorous series of gags with the ringmaster. Watching a well-dressed man on the receiving end of good jokes was always funny.

"Now for a feat of fantastic strength. Never before has such a feat been attempted by human hands! I present to you the great Jorl!"

Minerva chuckled at that too. The man's real name was probably Harold or something, but "the great Jorl" had soon taken the center ring and begun showing the audience how he could lift weights of fantastic size. Minerva yawned a bit during that, but when he picked up one of the horses at ringside, causing it to panic and squirm free, he suddenly got her attention. Large weights could be faked, but a horse was a heavy thing to lift.

"Yes, the mighty Jorl!" The ringmaster finally said, moving back into the center of the ring as the horse was led away, "A man so strong that no one has ever knocked him down! To every person in this tent, I offer you this challenge. If you can knock down the mighty Jorl with nothing but your bare hands, you will be awarded a sum of one thousand dollars!"

"Ooh! Ooh! OoOohoo me! Me! I can!" Minerva exclaimed from the bleachers, getting up and waving both arms proudly.

"Well, why don't you come down here, young lady? Let's see you try." the ringmaster said, moving off to one side as "Jorl" scratched his head curiously with one forefinger. It didn't seem like he'd expected anyone to really accept that offer. Still, it had been a serious offer, and it was true that no one, human or toon, had ever knocked him down with physical strength alone. Even the circus elephants were hard pressed to do that.

Quickly, Minerva climbed down from the bleachers, causing five more men to faint dead away as she stepped into the light. At once, all eyes were on her again, including those of the ringmaster and Jorl, both of whom realized they'd bitten off more than they could chew. Minerva smiled happily as she walked up to Jorl, who tried to back away, but she merely raised her left forefinger, saying "coochie, coo..." then planted that finger squarely on the large man's chest.

The resulting crash filled the stadium as one of the horse-trainers; a woman who looked somewhat bitter, told Minerva that she'd speak with the ringmaster about the prize money after the show. Minerva just shrugged, remarking that it wasn't really all that important, and resumed her seat as poor, defeated Jorl was led away.

Next came stunts on horseback, and they were pretty good. Minerva clapped when they were finished, although it was perhaps less impressive to a toon. Then came another skit with the clown at which Minerva laughed again. It seemed the clown had some good people writing his material, since he hardly ever needed to resort to lower comedy during his acts, and yet, everyone got the jokes. It was funny stuff, and Minerva appreciated that.

After that, elephants were led out by a pretty young girl in a feathery headdress, and she started giving them instructions, so they moved around the arena, this way and that, standing on two legs, playing catch with large sticks and so forth. Minerva wasn't too impressed, and moved closer to the ringside, where the elephant nearest to her was.

"Hey there, big guy." Minerva said as the elephant caught sight of her, staring in amazement, and instant infatuation, "How's about giving us something really special. You know, for me... Please..."

Then, Minerva gave the elephant several large blinks, and resumed her seat as it ran, against orders, to the center of the ring, got up calmly on its hind feet and grabbed the ringmaster's cane and hat.

Most people in the big top were staring at the singing, dancing elephant for the next half minute. It was certainly quite a spectacle, and Minerva found it very amusing too. The last time she'd heard that particular song, it had been coming out of the lips of a frog.

The last big act of the evening, after one more skit by the clown, to get people back in the mood, was a high-wire act of sorts. Several dozen wires were hung across the top of the circus tent, and they would be rotated through the air by motorized cranks. On those wires was a tall, slim man, who would hook his legs and arms through the wires as he climbed from one place to another on them like a human spider.

Minerva thought the guy was pretty good. He even did more than one jump across the makeshift webbing, until, in one horrifying moment, he reached for a wire to find that it wasn't there.

The agile man reached out with both legs and arms, but was moving too fast to see where he was going, and he was headed straight for the ground as the crowd watched in horror. At once, Minerva Mink rushed into the ring, so that she could be seen by everybody and blew the acrobat three big kisses.

The moment the acrobat received the first of the kisses, his descent started to slow, and with the second, he stopped in mid-air, facing Minerva as the third impacted with him, and hearts began to appear all around him, gathering into a soft, comfortable cushion underneath him, which carried him back up into the air, in a state of pure bliss.

Minerva just smiled as she returned to her seat, and the acrobat resumed his act. There was still one skit by the clown to get through after the acrobat finished his act and got down, but in Minerva's eyes, it wouldn't make the experience any better. Already, the circus had exceeded her expectations, and she didn't need to stick around after the show to get her money. She had enough cash already. What really mattered was what a good time she, and, she hoped, every else had had.

* * *

Later that week, when Minerva met with Genevieve and the two talked a little, the circus came up, and Minerva mentioned that she'd gone there recently.

"Wow." Genevieve had remarked, "I mean, you just don't seem like the type."

"I know. I wasn't sure I'd like it as an adult," Minerva said with a secretive grin, "but it's growing on me."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Hey! That was a lot of fun. Not 'playing around with guys' fun, but fun. Next time on Minktales, I've done another cartoon, though. This one is from the last season and it's a thanksgiving cartoon. Newt is a pilgrim, and I'm not, so there's going to be some fun in our latest little encounter. I hope you'll all watch."


	69. Issue 69: Creature in the New World

Minktales

Issue 69

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Creature in the New World"

It was a new time, a new place, and a new world with new challenges, the worst of which had recently been overcome. Finally, the work of the recent past had yielded a decent harvest, and to celebrate, a feast was to be held. Food from the harvest was being prepared, as well as fresh milk, eggs and meat, but the hunters were being kept very busy finding cows, birds and other kinds of animals to use as food in the upcoming ceremony.

* * *

Newt tried his best to keep from shivering in the cool autumn air as he aimed his weapon carefully at the exposed turkey feathers in the bushes. Turkeys weren't very bright, but they could be pretty quick on their feet when they were being pursued, so Newt had to be careful when trying to catch them. Of course, he himself was something of a hunting expert, but caution was still important, so he carefully took aim and fired.

Newt's shot had been targeted square on the direction that the feathers were coming from, but from the sound of the racket the beast was making, he'd missed its vital points. The turkey had run off into the woods the moment the shot was fired, and Newt quickly followed, losing sight of it once or twice, but always catching a glimpse of brown feathers at the last second, and picking up the trail again, until, at last, when he was worried he'd lost it, he saw a single brown feather protruding from a nearby bush, and fired without taking even a moment to aim carefully.

It was probably best that he hadn't aimed carefully, because the moment the shot was fired, he was greeted by an exclamation of "Hey, watch it!" from behind the bushes in a voice that was not only distinctly female, but very, very beautiful.

Newt backed away slightly, suddenly sure that he'd lost the turkey for good, as the feather rose up above the bushes, revealing a beautiful mink with a single brown feather attached to her headband. She was dressed in a light brown, but well-decorated outfit with stones and beads of various sorts hung on it, and woven cloth shoes. Her hair and tail were like bright, priceless gold, and her eyes were large and full of life. In her left hand, she held a collection of wildflowers, which, apparently, she'd been bending down to pick, when Newt had accidentally fired upon her. However, even these words were insufficient to describe the beautiful young Indian mink.

In fact, historically, mankind had been quite lax in developing words to describe the kinds of powerful emotions that sweep through a person's soul at the sight of a girl of such beauty as she, or when they do create words, they also use those words to describe other things, less deserving of them. How, then, can such simple words be used to say that when he looked into that Mink's big, emotional eyes, Newt was in love?

"You could have messed up my hair." the mink said, carefully pushing her hair back away from her face for emphasis. Newt, in response, gasped so hard that for a moment, there was no oxygen in his entire body.

"Who..hoo-hoo... Who a-ayayah... N-n-name..." Newt finally managed to gasp out.

"You mean a big, strong hunter like you wants to know MY name?" Minerva asked in a tone of voice that was both innocent-sounding, and yet, clearly insincere, "Wow. I'm honored. My name is ageyutsa-gago-doga-uwasa, but you can call me Minerva. What's yours?"

"N-n-nn-newt!" Newt sputtered.

"See you later, then." Minerva replied, "I've got some other things to do."

So Minerva moved back into the woods as Newt gaped helplessly after her. It was only once she was completely out of sight that he regained his senses, and remembered his mission. He still had to find that bird.

Quickly, Newt was on the trail again, sniffing this way and that for the scent of the turkey as he let his weapon slide to one side over his arm. Soon, he'd caught up to the turkey again, and after taking only a few moments to figure out its position and take aim, Newt pulled his trigger once more.

The problem was, the gun wouldn't fire. Newt smacked it once or twice, and then checked the inside again. Sure enough, it was out of ammo.

Newt tried to reload, but he couldn't do it silently, and in a moment, the chill in the air had sent a sharp shiver through him, causing the bushes around him to rustle and scaring off the turkey again.

Naturally, hunting food had been a major motivator for Newt as the harvest time had neared, but it was also getting to be autumn, and that meant there was another motivator too. As the weather got colder, comfort was needed, and that meant that they needed something to keep them warm.

Sometimes, a nice fire and a good fur was enough, but Newt knew for a fact that keeping warm while hunting was a genuine problem. Moving around helped a little, but what he really needed was a nice, heavy fur cloak to use when he started to get too cold.

Fortunately, there was an animal in that land that had heavier fur than any other, and Newt had stumbled upon it quite by accident; a grizzly bear.

Of course, bears were very dangerous creatures to hunt, but Newt had a feeling he could bring the thing down if he aimed just right...

"Hi again. How are you doing?" came a female voice from behind, as Newt's weapon went off and the bear woke up. Newt looked around, but the mink had already run off into the woods, and Newt was left alone with a very angry bear advancing on him from behind...

* * *

By that point, Newt was sure that the mink was his enemy. As much as he wanted to like her, Minerva had interfered twice with his hunting, and he was sure that at least one of those occurrences had been intentional. The mink didn't want Newt to bring home any animals for the feast or for any other reason, and she was getting in his way, but he couldn't face her and consider her an enemy, and that meant he had to take drastic action.

Removing one of his socks, Newt tied it into a knot around his head, blocking off his vision completely.

Newt's keen sense of smell alerted him to obstacles as he wandered through the woods, and he could hear every rustle in the leaves around him. Every motion of an animal or person was noticed almost at once by his finely-honed senses. The only problem was that with one of his socks otherwise occupied, Newt's left food was colder than ever, as he stepped into a clearing in the woods. Newt could feel there were no fallen leaves at his feet, which meant there were no trees to drop them. He could hear birds in the distance, and smell the scent of the mink, but after only a moment, he heard her voice from behind him, and knew she'd gotten the drop on him again.

"Oh! Hello again."

Then, suddenly, Minerva's hand came down on Newt's shoulder, and everything was different.

For one thing, the euphoric symphony that Newt had felt traveling through his heart when he'd seen her had kicked into full volume, playing a ballad of never-ending love unlike anything he'd ever felt before. He could barely move, much less speak, and none of it was under his control, but the most important change, and the one that made the biggest difference, was that Newt was no longer cold. His whole being had heated up into a joyful warmth that penetrated and overflowed every cell of his body. There was no way any part of him could be cold or unhappy when she was near, and that was when he realized that maybe he didn't need to hunt to help his people after all.

Quickly removing his blindfold, Newt opened his mouth, hoping and praying that he could find the words to make his request.

* * *

"My friends, I'm so glad we could all be here together, as a community." the reverend said as he looked out over the many people who'd gathered at the tables in the center of their little settlement, "We've come all this way, and through hard work and perseverance, we've found good food, good friends, and... Newt!"

Newt had staggered out of the woods in a half-trance as the reverend had spoken, because following him only a couple yards behind was the Indian mink maiden he'd discovered in the woods.

At once, every man in the village was staring; a feeling of great love and warmth like they'd never known filling their hearts. The cooks, poets and other artists found new inspiration in that moment, and every other man there simply wanted to do whatever they could to make the new arrival happy. Most importantly, however, the chill in the air seemed to have vanished.

"F-fantastic discovery." the reverend muttered, completely at the young mink's mercy, "W-will you both be staying with us? Please? Miss?"

Minerva knew the score, though, and she knew what she had to do.

"Sure." Minerva said with a bright, sunny smile that warmed the hearts of every guy present, "I'll stay. Of course, there are conditions. Things like good relations with my people, not killing them, stealing from them, taking their way of life from them or carving pictures of your presidents into their mountains, but we can work out the details later."

"Yesyes!" one of the other men nearby exclaimed, "Yes, anything!"

"Well, we definitely have much to be thankful for." the reverend said with enthusiasm, "There's no denying that. I suggest that from now on, on this day every year, when we show our thankfulness for the wonderful chances and gifts we've been given, let's get together and celebrate that Thanksgiving. Let's never forget it."

"No chance of that." Several men replied in unison as Newt seated himself at one of the tables. He and his colony were, he realized, about to have one of the nicest times of their lives.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, as much fun as that first Thanksgiving is with me in it, I'm sure a modern Thanksgiving with me won't disappoint either. I've been looking forward to participating in a family gathering for some time now, but I didn't know where my family was. Now that I do, we'll finally be able to celebrate together like a normal family... er... almost like a normal family. Well, I'm sure there'll be some differences, but I'll be eager to explore those as well on the next Minktales. See you then!"


	70. Issue 70: A Minktales Thanksgiving

Minktales

Issue 70

"A Minktales Thanksgiving"

There was squash, there were mashed potatoes and gravy, and of course, meat. Beef, turkey and ham were all laid out on the table when the door to the Milton house swung open to admit the latecomer, who entered in a black robe with gloves and boots, effectively obscuring every part of her body.

Over a dozen faces turned to look at Minerva Mink. She was no stranger to that. In fact, it happened wherever she went. However, in that case, those faces bore only expressions of amazement and surprise, rather than endless love and compassion, which was a change from the norm. It was a pleasant change too, in some ways.

Minerva Mink stepped forward from the entry hall into the dining room and smiled at everyone she met, although naturally, none of them could tell. All they knew was that she was shaking hands and trying to be friendly, so they returned the favor. It was all they really needed to know.

"It's good to see..." Lisa Milton said, but quickly realized she'd slipped up and corrected herself, "It's good of you to come, Minerva."

"Oh, come on, Mom." Minerva replied from under her hood, "I've been looking forward to this for a while. There's no way I'd miss it."

"Well, you're just in time for Thanksgiving dinner." Lisa said, "Why don't you have a seat and we can talk a little more afterwards?"

Minerva gave her mother a short nod, and sat in a vacant seat near the end of the table with the children (of which there were three; two young boy minks and one girl. They were undoubtedly Minerva's cousins.)

That was when Minerva's father Gary tapped his spoon on the side of his glass three times, and the whole family was urged to bow their heads and say grace. It was strange, in a way. So much of Minerva's life was packed with inhuman, unnatural forces that had to do with love, but although she spend pretty much every second of every day enjoying and benefiting from those forces, God hardly ever crossed her mind, and she didn't usually even dwell on the idea of being thankful for all the wonderful things she had; especially recently. For one thing, Minerva had recently gotten a family again. She hadn't always had one of those. Minerva knew she ought to be thankful, especially on a day named Thanksgiving, and yet, it all felt strange at the same time. The miserable, the poor and the lonely had good reasons to hesitate in giving thanks, but Minerva didn't have those reasons. Somehow, it just... felt strange. Giving thanks was definitely the right thing to do, though. She was sure of that. So, Minerva joined her family in giving thanks for food, friends, family, and all the other wonderful gifts they had. It was a sentiment that almost everybody there could agree on.

After that, there was the food. It was very good, actually; especially the potatoes. Minerva wasn't a bad cook herself, but in the past, she'd hardly ever gone to the trouble of preparing anything on Thanksgiving that was any different from what she usually ate. At one point she might have been able to fool herself into thinking that that was just because she hadn't considered having a proper Thanksgiving ceremony, but the truth of the matter was that without a family to share it with, the whole idea of Thanksgiving rang all hollow. Minerva wondered, as she and her family had dinner, whether she might have been able to treat her friends like family. Bugs, of course, had a family of his own, but Pinky and the Brain would have been eager to let Minerva spend Thanksgiving with them, and Newt, Trudy, Annette and Genevieve all liked having Minerva around. She probably could have imposed upon any of them, or better yet, invited them all to have dinner over at her own place. All the same, friends were different from family. Friends were people you liked, but a family was something you belonged to, and Minerva was still learning to appreciate that.

As the meal wrapped up, two of Minerva's uncles (Simon and Henry) and one of her aunts (Amanda) got up to start setting up two tables in the other room, and pies were put down on those tables. Plates, forks and spoons were laid out next to the pies a moment later. Minerva wasn't sure whether she'd want much pie, but she did try a small sliver of pumpkin and one of apple, and she had to admit that they were both very well made. Although what she'd really been looking forward to was spending some time getting to know her relatives. She wasn't sure why, since she didn't usually have to get to know anyone very well. Maybe, she thought, it was because she hadn't had the chance to talk to her family in years.

Unfortunately, Minerva soon found, after only a very short time of talking with her relatives, that getting to know them was slightly more trouble than it was worth. So many of them were nervous or reserved around her, either because they knew what was hidden under her dark hood, or else because of the hood itself, and in the rare cases where one of them did open up to her about something, it was usually a routine affair of their life, such as which football team had won which game or what items were on sale at the market, or whether the education system of the state they lived in was good enough to trust the well-being of their children with. Minerva was sure it all seemed very important to her relatives, but she couldn't really appreciate it much, because she'd never really worried about any of that. To her, education and shopping were leisure activities, and sports was a positively meaningless thing. What she really wanted to hear about were jokes, games or good times, which was the real problem Minerva was having.

None of Minerva's relatives seemed to have any imagination at all.

That might have been a bit too harsh. Perhaps some had imagination, but in the entire discussion that Minerva bore witness to, only three jokes were told, and none of them were very funny. Plus, there were no real games or anything like that. Minerva wasn't sure what she'd expected, but she'd sort of supposed that being at a family reunion would be a little more fun. It felt nice to belong to a group, whether it was fun or not, and that did make the whole experience worthwhile, but still, Minerva would have felt better about it if she hadn't been so infernally bored.

In the end, Minerva only spent about thirty minutes trying to talk to her relatives before giving up and moving into her mother's living room; where a couch and a television were set up, and Minerva could see that of the young cousins she had, two; the girl and one of the boys, were playing video games. The girl; whose name was Fran, seemed to be winning. The other boy wasn't far away, and was watching a cartoon on his ipod when Minerva sat down next to him.

"Are you really the same Minerva Mink that goes on television at night?" the boy mink with the ipod; Brian, asked her after waiting for several seconds to make sure it was alright.

"Yes." Minerva replied with a grin, "Yeah, that's me."

"How come you wear a hood?" Brian Mink asked.

"It's like an armor to protect the world from me." Minerva explained, "Guys fall at my feet when they see me coming, otherwise."

"You mean if people look at you, they fall down?" Brian asked, "That's too bad. I wouldn't want people doing that to me."

"No, it's alright." Minerva replied, "There are things about it I like. It's hard being alone, but... But it's peaceful too. It's like I'm in my own little protective zone, that no man's greed, ambition or hate can break through. All I have to do is remove this robe, and I'd never have to see anything but love and generosity again."

"Wow." Brian said, not sure what else to say, "Can I see your face? Please?"

"I... I'm not sure that would be best." Minerva said a little hesitantly, "You might never get over me..."

"Please? Please! Please!" Brian insisted.

"Yeah! I want to see too!" the other boy; David said, pausing the game he was playing.

"Yeah! What's the big secret?" Fran asked, just as curious as the others.

"Alright. Alright." Minerva finally capitulated, "I'll show you, but only for a moment, and you have to promise to keep your distance, and don't tell anyone I let you see me without the robe."

All three promised eagerly, moving towards the other side of the room, as Minerva carefully slid back her hood, and let her hair fall casually around her shoulders, revealing her face to the three children for a fraction of a second, then immediately drawing the hood back over her head again. To her surprise, all three children were still standing upright, although certainly, each bore an expression of amazement on their face.

"You're still standing." Minerva said to David and Brian, "I'm impressed."

"Wow." Brian said again, "I never thought I... Never thought I could feel like that. Mom always said there were feelings more powerful than bein' angry or sad, but I never... never felt... like this."

"Maybe when you get older you'll understand." Minerva said as she got to her feet.

"I understand now." David interrupted, his face set into a determined expression, "What we felt was love. I should say I love you too, Minerva, but I can't love you the way you love us."

For the first time, Minerva was speechless. She hadn't even thought of it that way; as if the aura she projected on others was in fact, a gift to them; a revelation about the nature of love and joy that many are never aware of. It was a thought that no one she'd cast her spell on had ever suggested to her before, and it had come out of the mouth of a mere boy who had the strength to stand up and say that he loved her, without becoming infatuated with her, and that was when Minerva knew that that family gathering had been worth it after all, because she knew that children have something that adults lack, and more importantly, it was something she herself had lost track of for quite a while, though she could never really escape it.

Minerva Mink showed love to others every time she showed herself to them, whether she'd realized it or not.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Now THAT was a real eye-opener. The next issue will be another cartoon, however. My history with a certain magic lamp is known well enough, but if I were cast in the role of the lamp's master, what would I do? Would I defeat the villain of the story? How many wishes would I make? That's all on the next Minktales, so don't miss out!"


	71. Issue 71: Mistress of the Lamp

Minktales

Issue 71

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Mistress of the Lamp"

Once upon a time in a far-away land, there lived a young lady named Minerva Mink. She was beautiful and charming beyond words, but she never had much money, and she lived alone in a poor section of her town, dreaming of one day marrying a handsome prince and living happily ever after.

However, for much of her life, dreaming was all she did. Minerva's longings hardly ever became actual work or a serious attempt to acquire fortune or romance for herself. Instead, she drifted through her life, waiting for good fortune to wander her way on its own, and, unlikely as it was, one day it did.

That good fortune was in the form of a tall man with a long, twisted beard who approached Minerva with a blindfold on. He had long, dark hair and wore the robe of a sorcerer.

"Greetings." The man said, "My name is Gia, and I come from far away. I heard that there was a maiden here who is considered most beautiful of all, though I cannot myself see. Might you point me in her direction?"

"You have the best luck of all today." Minerva replied, "The woman you've been looking for is me."

"Wonderful luck indeed!" Gia replied, smiling broadly, "I need your help, you see."

"Step inside, sir." Minerva said with a smile, "Let's chat about that."

* * *

So, not much later, Minerva and Gia were seated across from one another in her shack, decorated only with a few basic mirrors and Gia explained his proposal.

"I am something of an archeologist." Gia explained, "I have been, for a long time, in search of an artifact of ancient significance and priceless worth; an item that is hidden deep in a cavern which only maidens of great beauty may enter unharmed. It took me years to learn the precise location of that cavern, but now that I know it, I need your help it retrieving the artifact. If you will help me, I will agree to share with you the profit I receive from the artifact. Is it a deal?"

"Done!" Minerva replied, shaking Gia's gloved hand heartily. It was just the break she'd been looking for; a chance to use her boundless beauty to make herself a fortune. If everything worked out just the way Gia had said, they'd each have all the money they could ever want by the end of the day, and she might even be able to use some of it to find herself a handsome prince. So they were off into the desert on the long journey to the cavern of the fair.

* * *

At last, the cavern came into sight over the horizon, and Gia explained his plan to Minerva.

"The artifact I want is an old oil lamp inside. All you have to do is walk in, take the lamp and leave. There are traps within the cavern, but if you are as beautiful as you say, they shouldn't harm you."

Minerva nodded and started forward into the cavern, removing her long, flowing robe, so that she was dressed in a shirt, shorts and shoes; the outfit she used for exercise and spelunking.

As Minerva passed into the cavern, she noticed a series of mirrors laid out along the sides of the walls. When she passed them by, she saw her own image twisted into strange, horrible shapes within them, and then the mirrors would shatter into millions of pieces, and the images were gone. Minerva's beauty was too great to be twisted, even by magic, and so she succeeded in getting past the traps of the cavern, and moved into the chamber beyond, which seemed to be a treasure room. It held gold and jewels of all sorts, but most importantly, it held Minerva's objective; the lamp.

The problem was that the lamp, like everything else in that room, was tarnished and in need of a good polishing, so Minerva decided to give it a good cleaning before she took it out to Gia.

Pulling out her robe, Minerva Mink rubbed the lamp back and forth with the cloth, feeling it start to twitch uncomfortably in her hands before she was even halfway done. Then, in an explosion of smoke and light, Minerva found a man standing in the air above her, dressed in a large turban with a precious gemstone in it and a pair of baggy pants with curled shoes. On his wrists were golden bracers encrusted with jewels, and his voice shook the entire room they were in.

"I am the genie of the lamp, and I have come forth to grant you whatever wish you may desire."

"Yeah." Minerva replied quickly, "Yeah, that's nice. Give me a moment, would you? I'm trying to clean this thing."

"Perhaps you do not understand." the genie replied in a voice that continued to echo through the cavern, "I can give you anything in the world; anything that you want. You may make three wishes."

"Wow. No wonder this thing sells for so much." Minerva said with a smile as she finished polishing it, "I'll bet that'd be a big deal to a lot of people."

"Indeed." the genie said, "What is your first wish?"

"Huh?" Minerva asked, "I really don't have one."

"You must." the genie replied, starting to look a little worried, "Everyone has wishes; things they yearn for; things they want."

"I'll think about it." Minerva replied as she tucked the lamp under one arm and headed out of the cavern, the genie vanishing in a puff of smoke as she did so.

* * *

Back on the surface, Minerva smiled as she held the lamp up for Gia, and he snatched it at once from her hands, laughing in delight.

"At last!" he exclaimed, "The genie is mine!"

Then, hopping at once onto his horse, Gia rode off towards the city, leaving Minerva behind, asking "Hey! Where's my money?"

"Oh, darn." Minerva said to herself as she watched Gia go, "That guy had to go and betray me. Now I'm stuck in the desert all alone with no money and no way to get back to the city. Oh, won't someone help little ol' me?"

Almost instantly, several dozen magic carpets came zipping towards her position, drawing a grateful smile from Minerva as she boarded the first and luckiest of the arrivals.

* * *

Riding back to the city, Gia continued to laugh over his victory, clutching the lamp carefully under one arm as he removed his blindfold and tossed it aside. Naturally, Gia could see just fine. The blindfold had been to protect him from Minerva's beauty. But having left her in the desert and acquired the lamp all within a few moments of each other, Gia had eliminated both of the largest hurtles to his acquisition of power. Soon, the queen would fall, and he would be the new sultan!

* * *

As Gia rode into the city and approached the palace, he rubbed the lamp, summoning forth the genie, who floated alongside Gia's steed as he rode.

"You have decided on a wish, at least?" the genie asked testily.

"I have indeed." Gia replied, "I wish to be the sultan of this land; completely and totally its ruler."

"Then let it be so done!" the genie replied, clapping his hands together once...

* * *

Minerva couldn't help but feel that her home city looked a little different than it had before, though she couldn't quite place it. As her carpet friend deposited her in front of the palace where, she knew, Gia would be, she thanked it for its help with a warm embrace, and it went limp, becoming an ordinary carpet for the next several days.

Minerva stepped forth, to the front gates, giving each of the guards a sharp wink that "encouraged" them to open the gates for her, and then Minerva did the same to the inner gate guards, and the guard captain, successfully gaining entry into the inner chambers of the castle, and soon, the throne room. There, sure enough, sat Gia on the throne that had once belonged to the queen, and by his side, servants approached him with edicts requiring his authority, or problems that could only be solved by one of his great wisdom. When Minerva entered the chamber, however, Gia froze. She'd come back. He didn't know how, but Minerva had come back from the dead, and she was there for her revenge! Gia trembled; half from fear and half from attraction as Minerva drew closer, and the servants started to back away from her, leaving Gia alone to face her.

"G-gen-geneeeeek!" Gia exclaimed, unable to even make a simple wish.

"No. Minerva." Minerva replied, looking back and forth through the throne room, then said "Not bad, really. I like what you've done with the place."

Gia whimpered.

"Of course, I didn't forget. We're to share the fruits of the artifact I helped you recover. You and me... we're going to be the most legendary royalty this town's ever seen. Now let's have us a kiss..."

Gia's nervous system did flips and cartwheels inside him as Minerva drew closer, puckering up, and Gia could see inevitability in those lips. He could see finality. He could see death, and that was when he fainted dead away.

"Aw..." Minerva said, taking pity on the poor man, "That's sweet. He wants more. Well, I can't say I can blame him."

In that moment, Minerva removed the lamp from Gia's satchel and carried it, with a short whistle, into the royal chambers where, as it turned out, she would spend the rest of her days.

So Gia lived the life of a true sultan while at court, using his power and authority to give orders and pass laws, and his hard-earned intellect to make his kingdom great. And yet, he made no more wishes, simply because he couldn't. As great as his power was, his mistress was undeniably greater, and she held both the lamp and the keys to his heart. He was helpless in her hands.

And the genie? He, perhaps, had the least happy ending of all, for though Minerva and Gia both lived as royalty from that day forth, each night the genie would beg and plead with Minerva to make a wish, and every night she'd shrug a bit and mutter, "I can't decide. Could you give me a little time?"

The End

* * *

Minerva: "I don't really want anything? A slight revelation there, I guess. You know, I had so much fun playing Indian in issue sixty-nine, I've decided to do it again, on the next Minktales, which is going to be another cartoon. The situation's a little different, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. I'll see you then!"


	72. Issue 72: Beauty of the West

Minktales

Issue 72

An Emotionutty Cartoon  
starring  
Minerva Mink

"Beauty of the West"

Jeffrey Wolf stood at one end of main street as everyone cleared out. At the other end was Jimmy the Rat, fingering the weapons on his belt. Gripping the handle of the weapon, Jimmy drew it out, and instantly felt something make sharp contact with his leg.

Dropping his gun in defeat, Jimmy collapsed to the street as Jeffrey put his own weapon back into its holster and left Jimmy lying on the ground, moving to one side of the street to step back into the saloon. Still, it wasn't a drink he was after, as much as the young lady waiting for him in there.

"I'm... I'm so glad he didn't hurt ya." the woman said as she rushed forward to embrace Jeffrey, her sweet cat nose turning to one side as she kissed his long, dog snout.

"I'd fight a hundred like him if it'd keep you safe." Jeffrey Wolf remarked, "There ain't no doubt in my mind that you're the purdiest girl in the whole west, and that's the truth."

However, as Jeffrey spoke, the girl; Samantha hung her head and looked away.

"Please." she pleaded, "Don't say stuff like that, Jeffrey. There's a powerful danger out in these here parts that a million of Jimmy the Rat couldn't beat. Don't... Don't call me the most beautiful. Please."

"Why?" Jeffrey demanded to know, "Why not? I mean, aren't ya?"

"Please." Sam said again, "Just stay here with me. Don't go runnin' off after this... We could live a good life..."

"Tell me." Jeffrey demanded, "Tell me who's dared to say they're purdier than you, and I'll go out and make 'em eat them words."

There was a look of desperate sadness in the eyes of Sam as she looked at Jeffrey again, but she knew she couldn't stop him. Like all the other men in that part of the country, he was gonna run off in chivalry and never, ever come back, but she couldn't keep him by force. She had to tell him the story.

"Before we came along into these here lands," Sam explained, "There was another race o' people out here. Some say they're still around, hidin' behind rocks and trees and bushes, but we don't fear 'em none, because they ain't got guns to fight with."

"The Indians." Jeffrey noted.

"About twenty years ago," Sam continued, "They say them Indians started praying to whatever gods they believed in for a champion to lead them in takin' back their land. Someone who could do what no spear or arrow could; stop men in their tracks, and from the looks o' things, they got their wish. A baby girl was born to them who cast enchantments over every man who saw her. Nobody ever saw nothin' like it, but they say there ain't no one so beautiful in all the world."

As Sam finished her story, she pleaded once more, "But don't go after her, Jeffrey. Please. You're tough, but I've seen tougher guys go after that lady and they never came back. Please, stay here, with me."

However, Jeffrey's face was a clear scowl when she'd finished her story as he said, "Yeah. Yeah, we'll spend our life together. Just as soon as I see this monster for myself."

Then Jeffrey Wolf left the saloon and Sam was left with tears in her eyes. Another man had marched off and left her, and she was sure he'd never return.

* * *

Jeffrey spent three nights searching for the tribe in question. They were elusive and always on the move, so tracking them down was something of a chore, but at last, just as his fourth night of searching was about to begin, and he stopped to take a drink from a stream, he heard a joyful singing voice being carried on the wind and hid himself carefully in the bushes. However, Jeffrey Wolf watched curiously, then in awe, then found himself unable to stop watching as the source of the singing voice emerged from around a grove of trees, as its owner gathered what, it must be assumed, was intended to be firewood.

* * *

"When there's a song in all around...  
comes from within, and then resound  
in all the creatures great and small  
as to my place they hop and bound...

There is a happy note to sing  
that birds and bees and bugs can't say  
which other people do not know  
for it's to do with what I bring.

For only I can sing this song  
and mean every word that's sung!  
Only I can say that joy  
surrounds me. Is that wrong?

I wonder if the world might better be  
if all the people everywhere could see  
the visions that I see of joy and love,  
the cheer of those who all see me!"

* * *

"The cheer of those who all see me?" Jeffrey wasn't sure what to make of those words, regardless of the fact that he understood exactly what they meant, because the maiden who was right in front of him, walking along the path happily as she searched for nice logs or branches to use as firewood, was everything that Sam had said she claimed to be. Her very presence seemed to have seeped into Jeffrey the moment he'd laid eyes on her, and what's more, she was influencing his actions, whether she meant to or not.

The emotions that Jeffrey was feeling then were diverse and powerful beyond measure. He felt terrified on one level, hopeful and peaceful on another, and yet filled with a joy and purpose of essence stronger than anything he'd ever felt before. Jeffrey had been in love with Sam, but if love could have been concentrated like a chemical and injected in its pure form directly into a person's heart, that is precisely what, Jeffrey suspected, it would have felt like.

Some part of Jeffrey was ordering him back, encouraging him to flee that vision before it was too late, but the stronger part had urged him forward, and he immediately jumped out of the bushes and whistled long and loud, drawing the young Indian lady's attention at once.

"Oh, my goodness!" The woman exclaimed, placing one hand on her chest in alarm, "You startled me. Who are you, sir?"

Jeffrey bowed his head in a hurry to try to dredge up the strength to reply, and the closest he came was to announce, in a hurry "J-J-Jeffrey."

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you." the woman said, "My name is Minerva, and your timing is very good. My tribe has asked me to gather firewood for the next hour, but I'm having a hard time finding enough. Do you know where the best sources of dead branches are in these woods?"

Jeffrey wasn't sure where to find dead branches, exactly, but he immediately ran off. Somehow, Minerva's spell was on him, and he had to help her find the wood. After racing back and forth through the woods for a while, Jeffrey eventually found a place where a very large branch had fallen to the ground from an old oak tree. Quickly, he grabbed the branch and started breaking it to pieces over his knee, until it was divided into neat little logs, then returned to Minerva, carrying a very large pile of firewood. By that point, she was seated on a flat rock, and whistled in amazement at all the wood he'd brought her.

"Wow." Minerva said, "That's certainly a lot of firewood. Very nicely done. Only problem is, I'm not sure I can carry it all home with me..."

That was all Minerva needed to say. Quickly, she got up and headed through the forest again, and Jeffrey followed her, carrying the firewood. When they emerged from the forest at last, and arrived at the camp, however, Minerva seemed to be upset about something, and instructed Jeffrey to put the wood down.

"I can't let you go into our camp." Minerva said at last, "You're too sweet. My people... my people don't all believe that peace between us is possible. After your people broke all those treaties with us, we started to wise up, and in some cases, to some people, I'm afraid that's led us to bitterness. You're nice when you see me, though, and now that you've seen me, I know you won't do us any harm. Please, go back to wherever you came from and live in peace for the rest of your life."

That also Jeffrey couldn't disobey, so he fled that place, running back through the forest in the direction of his town, hurrying back to the saloon he'd left less than a week before.

* * *

As Jeffrey Wolf stepped through the doors to the saloon, he was sweating, disheveled and looked very nervous, but, Sam realized with disbelief, he was back.

"Jeffrey!" Sam exclaimed, "Jeffrey, ya came back to me!"

"Yeah..." Jeffrey replied, embracing her with a deep, but peaceful passion, "This is where I have to be."

"So did ya find her?" Sam asked, amazed, "Am ah still the purdiest girl in the west?"

Sam tried, for a moment, to lie about it, but he couldn't tell her he hadn't found Minerva, and as for saying that Minerva was not the most beautiful woman in the west... that was such a loathsome lie that his lips would never have allowed themselves to take part in it.

"Ah did find her." he said at last, "She's certainly beautiful beyond comparison. She had the power to make even someone like me do whatever she wanted, but..."

At that, he paused, as Sam looked into his eyes for hope, and he finally finished, saying "...Ah came back. Ya ain't no goddess, Sammy girl, but in my opinion, that's fer the best. You and me... we can be in love like equals... like a man and woman... not like a God and a worshiper. Ah think I'm gonna appreciate it that way."

Then they embraced again, and both Samantha and Jeffrey lived their lives, utterly and completely at peace.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, that was a sweet little cartoon. I don't sing as much on cartoons as I used to, and I guess I sort of miss it, although that kind of problem's nothing compared to what I'm about to face. Jeffrey called me a monster in this story, but on the next Minktales, I'm about to meet a monster that's just as bad; a monster of sales and business. When an expert salesman comes to my house looking to make me a deal, and has found a means of protecting himself from my 'advantage,' how will I get rid of him? Can I, or will he get a bigger deal than he bargained for? That's all on the next Minktales, so I'll see you then!"

* * *

Well, thanks for the many and wonderful reviews. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, all of them in my personal life, the end might well be somewhere in sight. This is the first day in a long time that I failed to keep up with my Minktales writing, and if things keep going like I expect them to, it won't be the last. Minktales will still continue until at least the end of the year. I have that many written already, but what its fate will be after that, I truly don't know.

Just please know that there's nothing anyone here could have done to change this.

-Bra1n1ac-


	73. Issue 73: Big Deal

Minktales

Issue 73

"Big Deal"

Minerva Mink hummed to herself as she arrived home, swept aside a small pile of flowers and candy and stepped into her house, smiling as she went. In moments, she was cleaning her place with a broom as she waited for dinner to finish cooking, but little did she know that just outside was a horrible creature. He had never failed before in a task given to him, and no one before him had ever succeeded when faced with Minerva Mink, so it was the only job for him. He wasn't going to leave until he'd claimed victory.

Minerva heard the doorbell ringing and smiled. It was probably either a friend or a man, and in either case, it was the chance to have a little fun. Quickly, she opened the doorbell to find herself faced with a grinning man with a clipboard and a briefcase. Minerva had seen his type before. They always fell to pieces at her feet.

"Good evening, Miss Mink. I ha... I ha-ha..."

"Good evening." Minerva said as seductively as she could, "May I... do something... to help you?"

"Ga-gagaga!" the man exclaimed, falling over backwards, and Minerva Mink watched in amusement as the poor salesman convulsed on the ground, utterly unable to respond. He was, she realized, more vulnerable than most. It was cute.

Still, as much fun as Minerva had watching the poor guy writhe, she had to get her dinner off the stove, so she quickly went back inside, closing the door as she went. The man remained totally helpless, though his spasms of emotion seemed to decrease as she left. Within ten minutes, he'd regained his senses, gotten up and run off to think.

* * *

"This is the ultimate challenge." the salesman decided, "A woman who casts a spell upon all who look at her like Medusa. To sell to someone smart and cunning is quite hard, and to sell to someone without looking at them is the ultimate challenge. At last! I've been handed the greatest true challenge to my art! I will make a sale here, or my name isn't Murray!"

Then Murray began to train in the woods. For nearly half an hour, Minerva heard nothing of him, until her doorbell rang once more as she was reading on the sofa.

"Two visits in one night?" Minerva thought, "I wonder..."

But when she opened the door, Minerva immediately wished she hadn't. It was the salesman again, and he was wearing a blindfold.

"Good evening, Miss Mink. I have a few things to show you that I think you'll love!"

"Uh-huh." Minerva muttered unenthusiastically.

"Have you ever seen anything like blah blah blah blah blah..."

Minerva slammed the door in the man's face.

"So she's clever AND beautiful." Murray realized with a grin, "Oh, what a victory this will be!"

* * *

Minerva rushed to her bedroom and lay down; trying her best to ignore the sharp rapping that persisted, every so often, at her door, until it finally stopped. Then, in a moment, she heard another rapping noise from very nearby, and turned to look out her window, then shrieked. There was the same salesman; still with his blindfold on, holding a sign that read "You don't want to pass up this opportunity."

Immediately, Minerva drew the drapes closed, and then ran around the house, doing to same to all the exposed windows, until she heard the sound of clattering on the roof. Then, in a moment, something red and white with a large bag came sliding down Minerva Mink's chimney.

"Ho ho ho!" she heard as she backed into the kitchen area, "Have I got a deal for you!"

There was the salesman in a santa outfit, his briefcase replaced by a large sack, which he carried over one shoulder.

In a moment more, Murray was flying out the front door again, and it slammed shut behind him.

"Alright." he reasoned as he lay in the mud, "Now it's time for the hard sell."

* * *

Minerva sighed as she finished closing the flue and locking all the doors and windows, then headed into the bathroom and kicked off her shoes as she pulled open the curtain and screamed again.

"You know, if you're in the mood for a nice, refreshing shower, we have several soap and shampoo lines you might be interested in." Murray said, leaning out of the bathtub towards her.

"H-how did you get in here?" Minerva asked in alarm.

"Afraid I can't say." Murray replied, "Trade secret. So, would you like hand soap? Soap cakes? Dish soap?"

"Slippery soap," Minerva said, dropping a wet bar of soap into the bathtub. In a moment, Murray had slipped and fallen to the floor, and Minerva had shoved him out the front door, then locked it again and, her shower forgotten, had collapsed into bed.

"You know, these bed sheets would be a lot more comfortable if you'd bought them from my distributor."

"EEK!" Minerva screamed, leaping back to her feet, holding her pillow in front of her like a shield, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Attempting a good sale with a beautiful woman." Murray replied, "How about you? Do you think you'll want the linen sheets, or are you more of a silk woman?"

"I'd just as soon use the bed sheets I have." Minerva remarked, grabbing the sheet by one side and yanking it sharply, causing it to fold up around Murray like a window blind. Then, she opened the front door again, and tossed him out once more.

"This guy is impossible." Minerva muttered to herself as she slammed the door shut and locked it, "How am I going to get rid of him for good?"

"There are easy ways, of course." came Murray's voice, as he emerged from somewhere in the kitchen area, "My company's patented security system can prevent anyone you don't want around from ever entering the premises. Just seventy-five ninety-nine plus tax, okay?"

"You just don't give up, do you?" Minerva asked.

"Never." the salesman replied, "It's professional. Some have called me the most effective salesman on earth."

Just then, a light went on in Minerva's head, and she looked directly at him.

"What would you say your primary motivation is?" she asked.

"Well, making the sale go through, of course." he replied.

"In that case, let's make a deal..." Minerva said, reaching her hand forward to shake Murray's, and as soon as their hands touched, Murray's whole being was flooded with overwhelming emotions.

"There we go." Minerva said, "Now here's the deal. Leave my house and never come back please..."

Minerva, however, had never reckoned with a man like Murray before. In his heart was a will of iron, and he stuttered as he clung to her hand "S-s-sale..."

"Oh, for pete's sake!" Minerva exclaimed, letting go of his hand, "What do I have to DO to get you to leave?"

Murray couldn't respond, as the overflow of passion through his system had left him coughing and sputtering on the floor.

"I..it's professional." Murray said after about a minute and a half, "I must... must make the sale go through."

"Well, if it's that important to you..." Minerva began, but then, she realized something she hadn't before. She'd been through whole rooms, full of so-called "professional" men, and not one of them had been able to retain their composure when they saw her, much less when she touched them. Murray was an exceptional man indeed.

"You know..." Minerva said, "You wanted to sell something to me... How much did you want to sell?"

"A-at first..." Murray explained, "I wanted to sell as much as possible, but at this point, even a single bar of soap would be a triumph."

"Lilac-scented." Minerva insisted, "A special deal for less than five dollars."

"D-done! Done!" Murray exclaimed, though he hesitated to reach out for her hand again, "A pleasure doing business with you!"

Murray handed her the soap from his briefcase, and she handed him the money, but just as he was about to leave, she exclaimed, "Hold it. There's one more thing I want."

"N-name it..." Murray replied, but soon regretted his response, as he felt Minerva's fingers inching their way up his chest to his shoulders. He was paralyzed. Having made the sale, he no longer had any will but hers, and instantly removed his blindfold. She was standing there with an expression of compelled interest all over her face, with her arms draped over his shoulders, and all he had the strength for was to stare back. At last, Minerva opened her lips, moving them from a simple, swift purse, into a genuine sound, and Murray was so dazed and dizzy that he barely even recognized the words.

"I want you, mister salesman. I've never seen anybody so talented at selling goods as you are, and I think that you deserve a job at the head of someone's marketing department... Like, for instance, mine..."

Murray whimpered, but Minerva smiled, and then continued, "The only trade-off is that you can never come back to my place and try to sell me stuff, but I'm sure you can see the... advantages... of a position like this..."

"P-p-position advant-t-tages..." Murray muttered as Minerva reached behind him with one hand to open the door, then grabbed a piece of paper with her other hand, leaned it against his shirt, and started writing.

* * *

When Murray woke up, he was lying right outside Minerva Mink's door, with a contract sitting on his chest, signed in his own handwriting, though the hand that had written it must have been somewhat twitchy. Murray stared at the contract for several minutes, trying to find some reason to be upset by it, but then, in the end, he'd never made a sale like that one; selling his career direction in exchange for peace and quiet.

After that, Murray and Minerva had gone on with their lives, both quite sure they'd gotten the better out of that deal.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I got more out of that little dilemma than I thought I would, and on the next Minktales, I have another little problem. My pond's frozen over, so instead of swimming, I have to ice-skate. Of course, I'm a pretty good skater, so that's not so bad, but someone may just try to take advantage of the icy situation to get the better of me. I'll see you then."


	74. Issue 74: On Thin Ice

Minktales

Issue 74

"On Thin Ice"

Minerva Mink consistently had mixed feelings about winter. Every winter, her pond would freeze up for a while, and she wouldn't be able to use it for swims anymore. Then again, she could use it for ice skating, which was almost as good. Of course, the fish had to migrate to keep from being frozen, and the birds, frogs and other local wildlife typically left the premises too, which meant that she had fewer admirers than usual, and honestly, that made her feel even worse than the loss of her beloved outdoor swimming hobby, but there were other wintertime activities she could busy herself with until they came back.

So, Minerva sat by the side of the pond for a few moments, dressed in a thick winter coat that she'd woven from her own fur during her years before her career had picked up. There, she strapped thick boots with blades on the bottom to her feet and quickly righted herself, then took off across the pond.

Way back during her early days in school, there hadn't been much that Minerva Mink had been unquestionably talented at, but ice skating was one of those few things. She zipped forward along the frozen pond, skidded forth along the very fronts of the ice-skating blades, then slowly lowered herself onto the backs of those blades, directly under her heels, making a show of leaning back, as she skated across the ice, then leapt upwards, catching one of her skate blades on a tree branch, then another, then another, until it looked like she was skating upside down in mid-air; a trick that only a toon with a generous supply of tree branches could perform. At last, when she was finished showing off, Minerva gently slid her legs back downward onto the ice and practically drifted along the ice lazily. She did only a few more tricks, and only when she started to get cold or bored; jumps, leaps, flips, somersaults, cartwheels and spins, both in mid-air and on the ice. Minerva did it all, and came out smelling like a rose.

However, Minerva Mink wasn't the only person at the pond that day. From out of a nearby bush, which had only just begun to turn white from the early December frost, Newt watched Minerva move through his protective glasses.

"This is it." Newt thought to himself, "This is my chance. Even for the most experienced professional, ice skating is a dangerous hobby. One slip or one thing could go wrong, and they could fall, and of course, there's always the chance the ice itself could give out."

Quickly, Newt set to work setting up a net along one side of the frozen lake, and started moving along it with a stone in one hand, ready to throw it at the ice. Just as Minerva came out of a pirouette, and moved into a series of jumps, Newt threw the rock, making a small crack in the ice that Minerva was headed straight towards. As Newt watched in amazement, however, Minerva Mink's left skate dove right into the crack, then with a quick twist, widened the crack slightly, until it became a small ditch in the ice. After that, Minerva brought her other foot down hard on the ice and slid through the ditch sideways into the air, then leapt over Newt's net in a single, great, twirling feat of speed and skill. Newt couldn't believe his eyes, and he wandered out to examine the ice while Minerva skated away.

"What I don't understand" Newt said to himself as he scratched his head thoughtfully, "is how a tiny stone cracks this ice, but when she stomps on it like that, it doesn't create a single..."

Suddenly, that whole section of the ice broke open, and Newt plunged downward, into the freezing water.

* * *

A short time later, Newt finished chipping the last of the ice away from his legs and scrambled back along the edge of the pond to watch Minerva again. Of course, his glasses were obscuring her enough that he couldn't quite make out what kind of tricks she was doing. It was a little like watching her as a blurred silhouette. However, Newt could see her just well enough to track where she was, and load his mink-seeking robot missile into a launcher on his shoulder, then fire it.

Newt watched as the missile dove towards Minerva through the air. It was designed to track Minks using a guidance chip implanted in its left side, and then, when it made contact with one, it would release a spring-loaded steel mesh net that would completely cover its target. Once he had that accomplished, the better part of Newt's plan would be complete, and he'd finally have Minerva Mink completely at his mercy.

However, just as the missile neared, Minerva slid forward on both skates, and lifted her left leg up at almost an angle of one hundred and eighty degrees from her right, closing both eyes as she did so. The missile sped by over her head, and her left skate became lodged on one of its directional fins, causing her to be yanked into the air from the ice, on top of the missile. For a short time, Minerva felt the wind whipping through her hair, as the missile darted back and forth across the pond, unable to target Minerva precisely. Then Minerva brought her right foot up parallel to her left one, and successfully dislodged both feet from the missile in mid-air, a small computer chip falling to the ice not far off, as Minerva righted herself in midair, then landed back on the ice, and started skating again.

Newt had never seen such fantastic, unnatural skating before, even though he could only see a little of what had happened. Even so, he was mesmerized until the missile collided with him, and he hopped away in search of a hacksaw.

* * *

A short while later, Newt approached again, but that time, in a submarine from underneath, with a new strategy. So far, he'd pretty much been attacking from above. The stone, the missile... All he had to do was saw open a hole in the ice from underneath, and Minerva would fall in the drink. Then, the freezing water would do the rest.

Newt snickered from within his sub as he shot a tiny, invisible cutting laser up through the ice. Minerva's skating was taking her in a relatively large circle, so Newt had to cut through a great deal of ice. The whole time, Minerva seemed utterly oblivious, as Newt's sub rotated through the waters, melting the ice, and sending up a large fog into the air from the heat, until the ice itself started to tremble.

The hound smiled as he watched Minerva spinning in mid-air, then doing one of the largest sliding-jumps he'd ever seen, and landing back in the first section of the pond again, which had once again frozen up into a single, solid surface. Newt stared in awe at how quickly and easily she'd escaped him, as the huge slab of ice above his sub came down, squashing the entire submarine most painfully.

* * *

By that point, Newt had decided that he was done playing nice and just piled a whole bunch of explosives around the whole pond. There wasn't any doubt in his mind that the explosives would blow every bit of ice in the pond to pieces, which would be most effective in sinking Minerva for certain. Quickly, he attached the long chain of explosives to a plunger, and then pushed it down, and a massive, fiery blast shook the woods.

However, as the explosion died down, Newt was shocked and dismayed to find that there wasn't a single crack in the ice. Then, suddenly, there was a trembling in the earth, as fog began to appear above the pond, and cracks in the ground. In a moment more, the ground underneath Newt cracked open like glass, and he fell into a water main that quickly froze over.

"Newt!" Minerva exclaimed, doing a good job of pretending to have just noticed him, "Oh, are you alright?"

Newt was, in fact, quite frozen, so Minerva ran up and gave him a big hug, and as she did so, the ice surrounding him melted almost instantly, and Minerva Mink began to get an idea.

"Just a moment, Newt." Minerva said, grabbing him out of the broken water pipe, "I need your help with something."

Quickly, Minerva carried Newt over to the pond, feeling him becoming warmer and warmer as she did so, then hugged him very tightly, until his entire body turned bright red, and dropped him on the pond's icy surface. In only a few moments, the pond had melted for as far as Minerva could see, and not only was it wet again, it was boiling!

Minerva joyfully grabbed Newt back out of the new, artificial hot spring, convinced that he'd already gotten his reward in exchange for his services, and ran inside to get her bathing suit.

As Newt wandered off in a daze into the woods, he wasn't sure whether his latest endeavor had been successful or not, but he was certain that it had been worth it, and he heard the voice of the Mink he loved yelling to him from inside the very warm spring, "Come back anytime, Newt. I'm always glad to have such helpful company!"

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I am. I appreciate when guys are helpful, and it happens quite a bit. Of course, there are times when guys can inconvenience me or slow me down, and sometimes I appreciate that too. On the next Minktales, I meet up with a couple of boys I've met before; purely by accident, of course. This time, they have themselves an enviable little girlfriend, and I'm a little worried she might be intimidated by me, but if she can get used to my special talents, I'm sure we can have a great time. I'll see you then!"


	75. Issue 75: Snow Angel

Minktales

Issue 75

"Snow Angel"

Mark shouted and whooped in delight as he slid down the side of the hill into the snow. Suzy was soon to follow. It was, after all, her idea. Neither one of them had anything resembling a sled, but it had snowed out, and it was the time of year when one uses that snow to have fun, or else looks like a downer in front of their friends.

Mark and Suzy had soon slid down several hills in a row, with Trevor following them at a jog. Then Suzy decided to hit Mark with a snowball, so their winter games took a different turn, the three of them racing back and forth, ducking behind this and that and running, sometimes for yards, before hurling another snowball at their friends. Time wore on for nearly an hour; however, as the children played in the snow, before they started to realize that they weren't entirely sure where they were.

"Uh-oh." Trevor muttered, "I think we're lost."

"No we're not." Suzy said, "Don't be silly. All we have to do is head off in the direction we came from. This way."

Suzy pointed in an utterly random direction as she said that, but Trevor didn't know it was random. Mark knew, but he said nothing, mainly to keep her from getting discouraged as he quickly followed her through the woods.

The kids walked through the woods as daylight turned to dusk, then evening, but still, all they could see was trees, stretching on and on into an endless forest. There was no sign of their homes.

"Well, we're definitely lost now." Trevor said, looking with some irritation at Suzy.

"No! No, we're not!" Suzy exclaimed, absolutely refusing to let the copious evidence to the contrary get her down, "I mean, we can't have gone that far. I'm sure someone'll find us. It won't be too long. Want to make snow angels in the meantime?"

"A-angels?" Mark asked, looking very worried as he scanned the surrounding trees, realizing something that, despite himself, he found a little upsetting, "Trevor, I think I know where we are. I mean... I recognize these trees."

"Great! Great!" Suzy exclaimed, "Lead us home!"

"No..." Trevor muttered, understanding at once what Mark meant, "I recognize these trees too, but I don't know how to get home from them. There's only one place I know how to reach from these woods, and... And I'm afraid you'll be ashamed of us both when we do, Suzy."

"Huh?" Suzy asked, "What're you blabbing about? Let's just go, already! We can get home, right? We can go wherever it is you know how to get to, find a policeman, and then get him to take us home, right? Or at least, give us directions..."

"It's not that easy." Mark replied, "Suzy, we need to depend on you. You might be the only one who can describe what we want once we get to this place I was talking to you about."

Suzy was deeply puzzled as Mark slowly started walking along a route that, many months ago, he'd taken before, and within about fifteen minutes, had emerged from those woods to find himself at the edge of a pond, which was, somehow, still wet and warm, despite all the snow that surrounded it. All three of the children soaked their hands in the piping hot water to warm themselves up a little before they saw the log house on the far side of that peanut-shaped pond.

"When we meet the person who lives there," Mark said, "don't depend on us anymore, Suzy. In fact, you'll be better off if you can ignore us completely from then on. We'll need you to tell the woman inside what our problem is and why, no matter what you think of us after that, alright?"

"Oh, for pete's sake!" Suzy exclaimed, "You sound like you're about to get drunk or something!"

Then, before Mark or Trevor could map out a plan of action, Suzy was headed towards the house, and they had little choice but to follow.

Suzy moved forward to the front step, and rang the doorbell at around eight o'clock in the evening, while Mark and Trevor were still a couple yards behind, and in only a moment, movement could be heard inside the house. Then, after a few seconds, the front door was swung open, and light was cast over Suzy from within, as a shapely silhouette threw a shadow across her, standing in front of that dreaded doorway.

"Huh?" Minerva Mink asked, a little confused, "Do I know you, dear? Are you from the girl scouts or someth... oh! I see."

Minerva had made that last exclamation because she'd caught sight of Trevor and Mark, who'd immediately rushed forward the moment they'd seen Minerva, and were suddenly standing in the doorway.

"You're a friend of my campfire buddies." Minerva said to Suzy, "I'm really sorry they dragged you all the way out here, but, well... You know how boys are. Still, I didn't really expect them to come back for more."

Suzy didn't know what to make of that. Icicles were hanging from Trevor and Mark's mouths are they stared helplessly at the legendary beauty known as Minerva Mink. Suzy had heard Minerva spoken of more than once, and even seen her face in magazines and on commercials, but the behavior of her friends in response to seeing her in person was a little more than she'd been prepared for.

"It's not your fault, I'm sure." Suzy said to Minerva, who was, fortunately, not treating her like just a little kid, but like an equal, so she chose to reply as one, "You see, we got lost in the woods while we were having a snowball fight, but Mark and Trevor said they recognized your house, and at first they didn't want to come here, but..."

"Oh. Oh, don't worry about it. That's alright." Minerva interrupted, "I think I understand now. You just need a ride home, right? I mean, if I give you and these nice boys a ride, that'll be enough, right?"

Somehow, Minerva Mink had managed to make the comment sound both innocent and uber-sexy at the same time, a feat that must have required much, much practice and skill in the fine art of pronunciation. Still, as impressed as Suzy was by the way Minerva handled syllables, she was eager to get back home and to get the boys to stop staring.

"Quit it!" Suzy exclaimed, slugging Mark in the arm.

"C... c-c-c... C-c-Can't!" Mark gasped, his eyes bulging, but his body unable to move.

"No, you don't have to punish them for staring." Minerva said, "They can't help themselves. I mean, it's me."

Suzy wasn't sure what Minerva meant by that, but it did make her happy when Minerva gently nudged both boys out of her way, and strutted out to her convertible, which, at the moment, had the top down.

"Why don't you sit in the front, with me?" Minerva asked Suzy, "I'm sure the boys'll feel more comfortable staring at us if we're not staring back."

Suzy giggled when she caught that remark. Although it was plain that neither Mark nor Trevor was sparing Suzy a second glance, she liked hearing Minerva talk about her as if she was also stunningly beautiful, captivating the attentions of the boys.

Soon, the boys were seated in the back (Suzy had needed to attach their seat belts, since neither of them could move their arms by that time,) and Suzy was in the passenger's side with Minerva in the driver's seat.

The snow wasn't coming down anymore, but they all agreed that it would be best to keep the top up on the convertible and run the heater as they went, to help, as Minerva said, "Warm things up."

As the four of them drove through the city streets and into the back roads, Minerva found that she'd caught the attention of many men, both pedestrian and driver alike. They stared and stared, even from Suzy's side of the car, as Minerva drove by with the children on board and every so often, Minerva would remark on that, saying, "Wow. I guess we're pretty popular today," or "You're really turning quite a few heads tonight."

At last, Minerva pulled up to the address that Suzy had given her and parked just outside, stepping out of the car to help Suzy lug the paralyzed boys to the front door.

"Thank you!" Suzy exclaimed, "It's been a fun ride!"

"For me too." Minerva replied, "You're gonna knock 'em dead when you get older, Suzy. I'll see you later."

Then Minerva Mink drove off, and Suzy was left there, with Mark and Trevor at her feet, to step over their barely-conscious bodies and ring the doorbell.

* * *

That night, the parents of the three children were quite glad to see they were safe and sound, although the stories the children gave of what had happened were a little confusing and differed in a few small ways. Mark and Trevor insisted, every time they were asked about it later, that they'd been saved by an angel of love that made its home in the woods, away from the sins of man, but to Suzy, it was more personal than that.

"My guardian angel saved us." she said, "She showed me what it's like when life is perfect, and she let me share in that for just one evening. I wish I could live like that every day, and one day, I might, but only if I'm very, very good..."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I'm glad I made such a nice impression on that beautiful young lady. Next time on Minktales, though, I pay one last visit to someone else I've made a powerful impression on. I need new gloves for winter, and he's a clothes expert, so I'll be eager to see whether he can make them for me or not. Still, even if I manage to get gloves that I'm satisfied with, what will my old acquaintance get out of the experience, and will it be worth the price of a pair of gloves? That's all on the next Minktales, so don't miss it!"


	76. Issue 76: The Right Gloves

Minktales

Issue 76

"The Right Gloves"

The morning sun reflected off the snow banks in a million glittering points of light as the wind shook loose snow from the branches of the trees. There was snow all over the ground, but not a cloud could be seen as the morning wore on, and yet, it was cold enough that the snow showed no signs of melting. It was a perfect example of a cold winter day, and the kind of day when Minerva Mink was almost guaranteed to set out into the city on some errand or other. After nearly a week with no wild animals to faint or whistle over her, Minerva was feeling somewhat admiration-deprived, which was as good a sign as any that local mothers aught to keep their little boys indoors.

Minerva Mink carefully applied lipstick and blush to her face as she slid her legs into perhaps the only heavy winter boots on earth to have high heels. The heels were thick and sturdy, but they were high, and the lengths she'd needed to go to, in order to get them made might have made another woman feel either very envious or very ill. In the end, though, the task had been accomplished; winter boots, both functional and fetching.

"I guess it's almost a pity I have to distract people from them so much." Minerva thought as she donned her winter jacket, padded like most winter jackets, but still designed so that it folded and bent to resemble her natural body shape. In fact, most of Minerva Mink's winter attire had been made for her by enamored designers who wanted to give her a gift she'd really, really appreciate, and she did appreciate them. Really, she did. In fact, she'd given most of those nice men a good peck on the forehead in exchange, which they seemed to consider a slight overcompensation, but whenever one of them brought that to her attention, whether in person or by telephone, she always replied the same way.

"Keep the change. There's plenty where that came from."

There was, however, one part of Minerva's winter attire that wasn't made to be both flattering and functional, and that was her gloves. Minerva didn't mind her gloves so much. They were pretty and well-tended, and they fit nicely around her fingers, but they were still gloves, so they still had one major problem when worn by a mink. They didn't keep her fingers warm.

You see, Minks have fur, and when one has furry fingers, the hand has a much easier time keeping itself warm as the fur of each finger helps to warm the others. The problem with wearing winter gloves then became that the gloves took that warmth away, by keeping her finger separated, and since the gloves themselves couldn't keep her hands as warm as her own fur could, there had been many times when she'd simply chosen not to wear them.

All the same, it seemed somehow appropriate that a mink who was famous all around the world for her dazzling beauty ought to have something to wear on her hands in wintertime. Her nice, furry hands, beautiful beyond measure in their own right, looked somehow wrong when compared to the boots on her legs, or her thick, yet curvy jacket and winter pants, or even her earmuffs, designed to strap around behind the back of her neck, and cover her ears, which were on the top of her head, almost as though she wore the earmuffs upside-down. It seemed like her hands, so helpful and gorgeous in their own right, ought to have some kind of appropriate attire, so when she'd found that the weather was nice enough, Minerva stepped outside and seated herself in her car, then drove into the city with the top up on her convertible, so she could keep it heated.

Despite all she'd done to cover herself up, however, the number of people who noticed Minerva as she drove into the city, stared at her with open mouths or swelling eyes, or even let out uncontrollable whistles or exclamations of admiration were noticeable. At least two dozen men had expressed, whether vocally or otherwise, that they found Minerva Mink to be a pleasing sight, before she even made it to the store, which was on the outskirts of town.

* * *

Barry Coombe was in the middle of an explanation to a young lady about which boots keep the feet warmest in winter when the young lady got a very disappointed look in her eyes, and Barry's heart began thumping like a bass drum. All that that toon had needed to do was step into the same room with him, and he was already feeling her gorgeous charm oppressively. Slowly, helplessly, Barry tried to pretend he couldn't sense Minerva Mink's presence, although the fact that his previous conversation was well forgotten provided much evidence to the contrary, regardless of the fact that he was staring in the opposite direction, where he could only see a winter boot display, since the woman he'd been talking to had vacated the area almost the moment that Minerva had shown up.

"Oh, Ba-a-arry!" Minerva cooed with a grin, gently draping her arms over his shoulders from behind, although there was nothing gentle about the intense, passionate urges her merest touch sent through Barry's heart.

Barry tried once again to speak under her touch, but it was like there was something truly massive crushing his heart, the longer she held onto his shoulders. Barry had been cursing, for the last several months, the day that he'd snapped at Walter Francis about his poor sales, because he was almost entirely certain that it was on Walter's behalf that Minerva Mink had decided to center her clothing-need crosshairs around Barry and Barry alone ever since then. Every time Minerva showed up, it sent boundless joy and uncontrollable love through every point in Barry's being, but then, when she left, all he could feel was a desperate, irresistible yearning to have her back again; a yearning to hold her in his arms and... and only make things worse. When she appeared, Barry's self-control took a trip to some tropical zone of the world and wasn't heard from for a week. It was those kinds of unearthly explosions of attraction that Barry most paid the price for later, as he frequently made a stupid mistake while under the inebriating influence of Minerva Mink.

Barry tried to ask what Minerva wanted, but all he could find the breath for was a contented sigh.

"I thought you'd never ask." Minerva admitted, interpreting his exclamation of utter helplessness quite well, "You see, I think I ought to have something to cover my hands in winter. It has to be fantastic, and stunning, and glorious; something to compliment my natural beauty, but it can't separate my fingers, because my fur is what keeps my fingers warm. Do you think you can have something like that made... for these?"

When she asked that question, Minerva held up her left hand right in front of Barry's face and wiggled her fingers back and forth, eventually touching him on the nose with one, and then pulling back.

The moment that Minerva had tapped Barry on the nose in that playful, whimsical way she had of toying with him, which was causing him to gray at an early age, he fell forward onto his hands and knees on the floor, sweat pouring from his forehead like a light rain, gasping and panting in something akin to chemical ecstasy, but a hundred times stronger.

"Great! Great!" Minerva said cheerfully, bending over to face Barry on the floor, and showing him her big, shiny teeth in a way that was almost certainly intended to make him suffer emotional strain, "A week it is then. See you next Monday."

After that, Minerva was gone, and Barry felt like sobbing into the carpet, not sure what he could do that would be worthy of such divine, goddess-like fingers; fingers which held him emotionally-captive, and yet, fingers which he mentally resented... Could he even cover them up with anything at all?

* * *

A week passed, and on the second Monday after his last dreadful encounter with that woman, Minerva Mink stepped into the clothing shop, just as Barry was about to make a big sale, and once again, what he'd been doing evaporated into thin air.

"Hello again, Barry." Minerva said, smiling, as she approached him from one side, "You have the gloves, I'm sure."

Barry whimpered as he tried in vain to find his pockets, so Minerva leaned forward and grabbed his hands, causing his whole body to start shaking with trembling passion as she helped him find his pockets and pull out the... mittens?

Minerva wasn't sure why she hadn't thought of it before, but sure enough, the gloves she'd asked for from Barry had turned out to be mittens. Not only were they mittens, however, but they seemed to have been woven as a single piece in mitten shape, to keep her delicate nails and fingers from catching on lumps where seams might have been in ordinary mittens. Plus, they were among the longest, slenderest mittens Minerva had ever seen, soft and warm to the touch, and yet, they fit over her hands like... well, like a glove. She was quite overjoyed by the job he'd done as she handed Barry a check for a sum of money that was probably just slightly less than Barry made in a week, and then pocketed the mittens.

"I can't believe they fit so well." Minerva said as she donned the mittens, which accentuated the natural shape of her hands delightfully, "Thank you so much, Barry. Please, keep the change."

"N-not at all." Barry said, "I-it wasn't h-h-hard at all. I c-couldn't get the measurements of your fingers and feet to stop appearing in my d-d-dreams."

"Yeah..." Minerva remarked with a slight squint, "You're gonna run into that every so often..."

"No!" Barry exclaimed, drawing the attention of everyone in that shop for a moment, as he leaned back away from Minerva, realizing, with dread, that he'd gotten her attention and captured her interest even more deeply, which was the worst thing he could possibly have done.

"I... I know why you're doing this." Barry said.

"Bright kid." Minerva remarked, turning to face him as she balanced her weight more on her left leg.

"W-when will it b-b-be enough?" Barry asked, looking down at the floor, "When will you l-let me be?"

For a moment, Minerva looked genuinely sad as Barry stood there, a broken man. He knew the truth; that her continuing presence in his life was little more than a taunt, reminding him always of the one thing he wanted most in the world, but could never have. At last, Minerva spoke seriously.

"Barry, I didn't do this just to be sadistic. I wanted to humble you, so that you'd change your ways. Before I started coming around here, you were cruel and unfair, not just to Walter, but to a lot of the people who worked for you, frequently blaming them for allowing things that you yourself couldn't have prevented. If, from now on, you promise to be fair and just to everyone you know, you'll never see me again."

"I... I swear." Barry muttered, not looking at her.

"Great! Great!" Minerva exclaimed, smiling and clapping both hands together in delight, "But one last thing, Barry. I have some good friends in this city, and one of them is bound to hear about it if you decide to go back on your word. I think you know what the consequences of that are."

Barry nodded sharply as Minerva Mink turned and left, feeling a great deal better than she had that morning; warmer, both inside and out.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, it's nice to know my work is done, and I've helped 'guide' someone to turn their life around. I'm sure Barry will take advantage of the wonderful opportunity I've given him. As far as amazing things that await me in the near future, though, I've got a really fantastic snowball fight coming up. What's so fantastic about a snowball fight, you ask? Well, for one thing, Bugs Bunny is on the other end, and by the time we get through, neither of us will be taking it easy. I have a feeling the whole city will get involved in the next Minktales."


	77. Issue 77: The Great Snowball War

Minktales

Issue 77

"The Great Snowball War"

At first, Bugs had seemed to have his heart set on he and Minerva riding through central park in an electric sleigh, but Minerva insisted that a walk would keep them warmer, and it'd give them more time together, and her reasoning, as usually happened when the two disagreed on something, tended to have more logic behind it. They were about halfway through their walk through the park, talking about this and that as they went along, when Minerva brought up a question she'd been holding back out of courtesy.

"Bugs... Whatever happened to Lola?"

"Lola?" Bugs asked, looking a little frustrated, "Well, I guess you sat on that one long enough. The truth is, Lola was a temp, working at the WB when Mike said he wanted to work with me on a movie. I never really got to know her that well. These days, she spends a lotta time with Peter Puppy, I think."

"Oh..." Minerva muttered, not sure what to think about that reply, "That's nice. Just curious."

For a few moments, Minerva thought about asking Bugs if it would be alright to play a funny game in the snow, but no. That wasn't romantic enough. A really romantic mink wouldn't bother to ask.

Grinning, Minerva Mink said, "Stand right here, and keep looking that way. I've got a big surprise for you."

"Okay. Sure thing." Bugs replied, looking out at the horizon for a moment as he muttered, "Yeah, I know, but it ain't like she's some hunter in disguise. It's just a little game."

"Alright." Minerva thought silently as she gathered up a handful of snow from behind Bugs, "Here's the little drop that starts it all."

Then, Minerva threw the ball of fresh snow at Bugs playfully, and was satisfied as it knocked off his hat, exposing his long, floppy ears to the cold winter air.

"Ooh, boy! Here we go!" Bugs exclaimed, grabbing some snow himself, soon forming a ball in each hand, as Minerva did the same thing. Soon, there were snowballs being exchanged between both parties at intervals of only a few seconds. As the fight continued, each seemed to grow more and more eager in doing their part, however, and the speed at which the snowballs flew grew faster and faster. At last, the snowballs flew so fast that Minerva was having a hard time keeping up, but throwing several snowballs every second, she was fairly certain she couldn't go any faster. The problem was that the snowballs that were coming towards her were still flying faster and faster.

As Minerva hurried to duck behind a tree, she heard Bugs shouting to her.

"Eh, not bad. Just keep it up. Ya almost got me."

Minerva wasn't sure how Bugs Bunny could be shouting anything, considering how fast he was throwing snowballs, so she slowly peeked around the tree, and to her frustration, saw that he was sitting and reading a magazine with one foot on a button that was attached to a machine, which seemed to consist largely of mechanical scoops that were grabbing snow, rotating and throwing it.

"You can't do that!" Minerva exclaimed, amusement and frustration fighting inside her, "That's totally cheating!"

"Huh?" Bugs asked, "How come?"

"Well, because... uh..." Once it came down to it, however, Minerva wasn't sure why it was cheating. After all, Bugs could do it, and she had a feeling she could have done it too, it was just that the thought hadn't occurred to her.

"Alright." Minerva said, "If that's the way you want it. The no-powers rule is out!"

As soon as Minerva Mink said that, she reached behind her back and pulled out a giant ice cream scoop, as Bugs started up his machine again. Minerva used the huge scoop to grab about half a ton of snow from behind the tree, much of which had been thrown her way by Bugs' machine, and threw it as one humongous snowball in Bugs' direction. Bugs' whiskers twitched in nervous anticipation of the cold, wet pain that was to follow as the huge snowball fell right on top of him, then collapsed, leaving him a bunny-shaped snowman.

Slowly, Bugs shook himself out of the snow as Minerva yelled "Truce?"

"And let you have da last snowball?" Bugs asked, looking anxiously competitive, "Nuh-uh."

Quickly, Bugs had run a great distance away, across the park and up a very large hill in the middle, and then dropped a snowball he'd been forming on the top of the hill and kicked it lightly. Minerva watched in horror as the snowball approached, and tried to counter by throwing her own snowball at it, but that only caused the snowball to split into two snowballs, each headed her way by a slightly different path down the hill, growing as they came. At last, each was six feet tall, and when they collided with her from either side, she felt very much crushed, but she soon regained some part of her previous width, and reached upward, to try to get to the top of the snow pile, only to find, when her head and hands surfaced from the snow, that the snow itself had formed into a ball around her.

"No!" Minerva exclaimed in frustration and embarrassment, "This sort of thing should NOT happen to someone as gorgeous as me! No, no, no!"

It was all the more infuriating, since Bugs was approaching from the top of the hill, laughing his head off as Minerva got an idea. Swiftly, from inside the mound of snow she'd been partially buried under, Minerva Mink produced a large alpine horn, and blew it as hard as she could, producing a note so loud, it cracked every ice crystal for miles, to say nothing of knocking snow from roofs, cars and most importantly, hills. Bugs turned around just in time, as an avalanche descended in his direction, Minerva Mink ducking back into her own six-foot ball of snow for protection when it hit.

* * *

When the sound of the horn reached Central Elementary School, everyone covered their ears to try to block out the oppressive noise, but only little Suzy Redmond suspected what kind of horn might have made such a noise. It was, she realized, impossible for any normal horn to sound so loudly, and no machine had been made to produce noise on that level. Clearly, it was a cartoon horn.

Much of central park could be seen from the third floor of the school, but Suzy and her classmates still couldn't see what, exactly, was going on. All they knew was that something had caused a citywide avalanche, and in a moment more, a gust of unnatural wind had blown hundreds of pounds of snow into the air, then snowballs flew into the air from the park in another direction, first with the sounds of gunfire accompanying them, then glowing like photon torpedoes. There was a war going on outside, and that was something that was not seen every day. At last, something was shot upward from the park, and when it made contact with the clouds, there was a flash in the sky. The teacher, it seemed, had seen something like that before, scrambling to find refuge under her desk as the whole window they'd been watching through instantly went white.

* * *

Snow had covered over half of the city's tallest building as a massive, many-armed robot with Minerva inside threw hundreds of tons of snow at Bugs, who retaliated with a very large series of snow-cannons. The snow flew for miles as Minerva and Bugs advanced on one another, their cartoon weapons on full blast, and each one determined not to lose. Both were indestructible, and both able to manufacture any snow-throwing weapon they could imagine in the blink of an eye. At the last moment before the snow that covered the whole city seemed about to crush something, Bugs and Minerva's inventions crashed against each other with unearthly force, bending metal and cracking glass.

* * *

Waves of intense heat bathed all of the buildings in the city, penetrating walls, windows and doors, but doing no harm to any of the people or property contained within. The students, among many, many others watched in amazement as the snow melted at lightning speed before their very eyes; the water evaporating before it could even fall to the pavement.

Those who'd been at a high enough vantage point to see the final moments of the battle between Minerva and Bugs claim that the robots must have been powered by heat, and that crashing into each other caused each to explode, destroying one another and radiating heat into the surrounding city, which, more or less, undid all the damage the fight had done, not to mention clearing the busy streets of snow and ice.

However, Suzy was one of the few people who'd spotted Minerva and Bugs after the fight, and knew the truth. There they were, standing together among heaps of molten slag, each glowing faintly, and engaged in a kiss so passionate, that their cartoon bodies had passed the first ten thousand degrees without even noticing. They were much too much in love.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Ee-ya-WOW! I think I can safely say that nobody's ever taken me that far down the path of wacky power in a snowball fight, but on the next Minktales, it's more of a social outing that anything. This time, it's just us girls as I attend a party for modern toon stars, and have a talk with some of my old, but still working friends. Hopefully, things will go well, but some of them may have some big problems, and you know how I love trying to solve those. It gives me a chance to use my talent. Anyway, I hope you'll be there to see who's invited to the December lady cartoon party on the next Minktales."


	78. Issue 78: Mingle

Minktales

Issue 78

"Mingle"

In Hollywood, there is a saying that if you want to make connections, you have to learn the fine art of mingling. Of course, for some that saying is true. Others make friends and connections easily, regardless of whether they know how, but for one of those people; the beautiful and famous Minerva Mink, making connections was only easy among the male population, and as she loved to mingle with just about anyone, regardless of who they were, every so often, she'd drop in on a party with other lady stars, then do a little talking and hope she left a lasting impression.

One night in the middle of December, just after a recent snowfall, Minerva decided to attend a small social party, which most of the lady cartoon stars of recent years were attending. However, as Minerva stepped into the central party room, which prominently featured low-key music, a buffet table and a bowl of punch, she started to realize that very few of the people there would even consider talking to her.

There were a number of toons who were simply friendly and nice to be around, like Wanda, Penelope Pussycat and Wonder Woman, some relics of older days who were happy to be talking with anyone like She-Ra, Snow White and Penny Gadget, and then there were a few toons from the Toontown International Embassy, like Botan, Impedimenta and Kiki. The party was a very large one, including toons from all eras of television, in all parts of the world where cartoons have been made. Minerva recognized most of them. Sue Storm, Mrs. Potts, Darla Gugenheek, Bunny Rabbot, Princess Zelda, Marge Simpson, Harley Quinn, Deedee, Buttercup, Videl, Mrs. Beakley, Annabelle Cat, Paula Hutchison, Starfire, Mrs. Brisby… It was overwhelming how many she recognized.

However, as many of them as she could have recited the names of, and as many as she already knew, and was pretty good friends with, Minerva found that she just couldn't get her foot in the door with modern toons like Frankie Foster or Phantom Girl. Most of Minerva's friends in showbiz were toons who'd lost their place in the limelight at around or before the time she had, but Minerva could see a few others talking in the corner, who she remembered and was still casual friends with.

"Hey, ladies!" Minerva exclaimed as she moved closer to the group, drawing a minor grin from Lois Lane, who was on her third cup of punch, and friendly smiles from Turanga Leela and Velma Dinkley. Of that group of toons, only Minnie Mouse seemed reserved. It wasn't surprising. She and Minerva had had disagreements in the past.

"So what's the good word?" Minerva asked, still smiling, "Lois?"

"Oh, I was just telling Leela about the movie I did recently. She's been doing movies too."

"Really?" Minerva was delighted, "A movie? That's great. It's tough to get those."

"Well, it was direct to video, but they're going to play my movies on television eventually." Leela explained.

"Isn't that something?" Minerva said with a smile, then turned back to Lois, because she'd noticed something, "Say, Lois, is there something wrong with your voice?"

Lois looked a little dismayed, but just took another drink of punch before replying.

"They wanted me to do a slightly different voice for the movie. I'm still getting over that."

"Oh. Enough said." Minerva remarked, and then, turning to Velma, asked, "What about you? Anything big?"

"Well, no." Velma replied a little sadly, "I'm still making guest spots on some television series these days, but it's not like it was eight years ago. A girl doesn't get a big comeback all the time and I really miss those days."

"You can come over to my place and watch those movies anytime, you know." Minerva said, her smile suddenly fading, "I don't mind. In fact, I love to have the company of an old friend. I'd make snacks."

"Thanks." Velma replied with a smile, "Maybe someday after Christmas."

Then, Minerva decided to steer the conversation off shop talk, partly to be courteous to Minnie.

"So what're you girls doing for Christmas?"

"I'm spending Christmas with my family." Lois said, "My dad's a little hard-edged, but he's nice once you get used to him."

"I'm taking a Christmas trip." Velma explained, "I'll be going on tour for some of my fan clubs. I also want to do some chatting with Belle and Betty Boop now that I'm running out of work again."

"What about you, Leela?" Minerva asked, noticing that Leela hadn't said a word since the conversation began; her single, large eye closing halfway in some slight sadness.

"Well, the cast and I are pretty tightly-knit, for the most part." Leela said sadly, "We love to spend Christmas together. None of us have families we value more than our fellow cast members. But, there's always one guy who never makes it to the Christmas party, and that always makes me a little sad."

"Huh?" Minerva asked, becoming confused by the subject matter, "Who?"

"Zoidberg." Leela replied, "He's... well... He's jewish."

"Oh." Minerva said. She probably should have realized that before, but she'd never met Zoidberg in person.

"Tell you what I'll do." Minerva said with a big grin, "I'm going to find out what Zoidberg is planning to do for Hanukkah, and then I'll let you know, and you guys can drop by and celebrate it with him, alright?"

"Wow, you'd do that?" Leela asked in amazement.

"Sure." Minerva replied, "We're friends. I'm happy to help."

"Would you help me, then?"

Minerva winced. It had been the voice of Minnie Mouse.

"Maybe we ought to talk about that in private." Minerva said, turning to head for the door, Minnie following with a truly fiery look in her eyes. Soon, the two were outside, looking at one another, although Minnie had to look up to see Minerva's face.

"I've already told you." Minerva said sharply, the moment she was sure the others couldn't hear them anymore, "I'm not a vampire. I can't give you what I have."

"Then just give me some advice." Minnie insisted, "How do you get the director to do what you want? How do you convince the producer to give you the roles you're looking for? Minerva, my career is dying a slow death. I need help."

"Frankly, I'm not surprised." Minerva replied, "You need more enthusiasm. Beauty isn't just about how you look. There's a behavioral aspect to it too, and real beauty is found in how others react to you, not in who or what you are."

"So how do I get that?" Minnie demanded.

"You couldn't have picked a worse person to ask." Minerva replied sadly, "Minnie, I had beauty handed to me on a silver platter. I never had to work for it. I was ugly, then all of a sudden I was beautiful, and I loved being beautiful. The world was my oyster, just because there were so many men in positions of power; so many rich men who wanted to give me my heart's desire, and so many brilliant male artists who wanted to show me my own beauty. The truth is, from everything I've learned, that's not a level of beauty that ordinary people can obtain, even if they work their whole life on it. Besides, to be blunt, you were always more cute than beautiful."

"Are you comparing me to Dot?" Minnie asked, a little angry by that point.

Minerva seemed about to reply quickly, but then she reconsidered, and thought about it for several seconds. At last, she said, "You know, I think that is a good comparison, now that you mention it."

"Can't you do anything to help?" Minnie asked, trying her best to sit on her fury, "Please!"

"Minnie, I know what it means to lose your career, despite the fact that you're obviously great, and wonderful, and have lots of talent." Minerva said, truly sad by that point, "In fact, more than ninety-five percent of the toons in the world know exactly what that's like. It stinks, but as long as people refuse to be entertained by good, clean fun, and as long as cartoon producers can't tell the difference between good and crumby entertainment, toon careers are going to have a high turnover rate. The people you really want to talk to are your employers. I'll bet if you really put your foot down, you could get a job with some company that respects you more."

Minnie looked like she was about to tear her circular ears off after that comment, but Minerva had strutted off into the newly-fallen snow and headed for her car. She had something she wanted to do before the night was over.

* * *

Zoidberg smiled as he danced back and forth through the room among some of his friends. Arthur was there, talking with Kitty Pryde, and Kyle and Filbert Shellback stood in one corner, a little bashful around the others. There were others too, but Zoidberg was happy to have them all there. It was the sort of party one holds to celebrate a big festival or holiday. There were presents being given, food to eat and a big menorah at one side of the room. In short, it was a party to celebrate the eight nights of Hanukkah, and Zoidberg felt, for a moment, that he couldn't have been...

But no. He could have been happier. The truth was, as much as he tried to remain true to his heritage, he really missed his friends from the show, and wished they could have joined him in the festivities.

Suddenly, however, the front door swung open, and in stepped the largest group of non-Jewish toons that party had ever seen.

"My friends!" Zoidberg exclaimed, "Professor! Robuht! Fry! How did you ever find out where I was?"

"A little mink told us." Leela said with a grin, "So, are you going to keep dancing, or are we ruining things?"

"Naw, it's the terminal lack of booze that's ruining things." Bender insisted, stepping forward in yet another of his famous attempts to spike the punch, as Zoidberg continued dancing, and for the first December in a long, long time, he was as happy as he could have been, and was already considering joining his friends at their own party...

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I'm glad I was able to give a friend of mine something so helpful, but speaking of gifts, it's shopping day for me on the next Minktales. I have gifts to buy and wrap for all my many loyal friends, and that's just what I'm going to do, even if it takes me hours. But if it does take me hours, how will the shopping mall react, and what kind of impression will I leave? Will it still be a merry Christmas at all? That's all next time, so I'll see you then!"


	79. Issue 79: Present Tense

Minktales

Issue 79

"Present Tense"

Heads turned, footsteps stopped. The noisy marble floors of the shopping mall grew less than half as noisy as Minerva Mink; the bright young starlet with the unnatural love charm, walked through the mall hallways until she found a store specializing in camping supplies, then went inside. At once, all eyes were on her as she spent nearly half an hour searching through the on-display inventory of the place. Every time it seemed like she was about to make a decision, she reconsidered only a moment later, and business was just as frozen as the weather outside, until she finally did make her choice, and brought an outdoor barbecue in a cardboard box up to the front desk to pay for it.

"C-cash or..." the cashier tried to ask.

"For a barbecue?" Minerva asked as she got out her credit card, "No thank you."

With trembling hands, the man rang her up and tore away her receipt, and then, Minerva smiled as she took the barbecue and receipt and put them into her bottomless cartoon pockets, then headed back out the door to continue her shopping.

Minerva's next (and easiest) stop was an office stationary store to pick up some large, pink erasers, which she had a feeling Pinky would love. After that, Minerva stopped off at another special supply shop to pick up something for Brain. She wasn't sure what he'd want, so she spent quite some time selecting his gift as well. The whole shop was disrupted by her mere presence while Minerva made her selection, but she had a feeling they wouldn't regret the intrusion, or bare her any malice afterwards. She eventually bought a set of simple beakers for the Brain. After all, a scientist can never have too many of those, right? Minerva wasn't really sure about that gift, but she just couldn't think of anything else to get him.

Minerva Mink's next stop was in a pet shop to pick up three boxes of dog biscuits (however, that also took a while to decide on because her original idea had been a new dog collar.) There, also, the customers and cashier were very nearly paralyzed by her beauty. However, Minerva's shopping wasn't finished.

It had been extremely hard to have a winter hat made with ears that shifted position based on how people were looking at them, but Minerva paid the man what it had been worth, then went to pick up the sunglass monocle she'd had made for another of her friends, and spent about an hour rifling through gaming magazines to learn what the hot video games were out that Christmas. She had a feeling she knew what Genevieve was going to want, but she needed to make a few calls to make that particular wish come true. Then, Minerva picked up a set of hair pins and magnifying lenses from another shop, a couple of those "look and find" books, and a collection of notebooks and pens. Lastly, Minerva picked up a large chalkboard, some chalk, and a nice, soft feather pillow for her most intelligent friend, and grinned as she took them all to the front of the shopping mall, where the last shop on her list was, but with each shop she'd visited, business had slowed to a crawl, even in what would normally have been the Christmas rush.

"Hi again, Roy!" Minerva said as she walked into the gift wrapping department of the store, causing the guy on duty to freeze up, "I'm doing my Christmas shopping here again, and I figured I could get the gifts wrapped up now so I don't have to do it next week."

Roy tried to maintain his composure. After all, Minerva never got that many... gifts...

Roy's face turned white as he saw the many, many gifts that Minerva was putting on the counter for him to wrap.

"N-new friends?" Roy asked as if he were describing the grim reaper.

"Thank you for noticing." Minerva said, "You wouldn't believe all the friends I've made recently. Most of them are so nice... Well, I felt I should do something for them, and that's what Christmas is all about, right? Doing things for the people you care about..."

That comment fell on Roy like an anvil as he was wrapping the barbecue, his hands hesitant and unsteady in replying to the commands sent their way by his brain. Roy was genuinely afraid that he would die from the emotional stress before he could finish wrapping the gifts, because although Minerva did seem to be getting tired of waiting, and her attention wandered to other things, she wasn't leaving that department. Instead, she examined ribbons, bows and other cute additions to Christmas presents.

"Oh, dear God." Roy thought silently in a genuine prayer, "I know we don't talk as often as we should, but please don't let her ask for any ribbons."

As it turned out, eventually, Roy's prayer was answered, because Minerva chose only to purchase a few stick-on bows from the woman at the sale register of their department. The whole time, Roy's hands worked almost in an involuntary way, so that he could please, please, please make the feelings of unattainable love leave him.

At last, Minerva approached again, and Roy discovered that he was finishing up her last gift, amazed that he'd somehow managed to wrap them all.

"Oh! They're wonderful!" Minerva cooed, "You deserve a great... big... tip!"

Roy's head drooped in disappointment, though he shouldn't have been surprised. Soon Minerva had stuck the ribbons onto the gifts, shoved them, fully-wrapped, into her pockets, then left Roy holding a few bills and strutted back outside to her car; the fluffy white fur on the edges of her coat catching Roy's attention most of all as she left.

* * *

Minerva Mink smiled as she got home to her log house and carefully put the presents in one corner of her living room, checking to make sure that the right names were on the right presents. Sure enough, there they were. To her friends, from Minerva Mink. Newt, Bugs, Pinky, Brain, Trudy, Annette, etc... The whole thing had cost Minerva quite a bit of money, but that was alright. She'd never had money troubles. Smiling, she plugged in the Christmas lights, both outside the house and on her festive Christmas tree as she turned down the other lights and ate dinner by the dim, multicolored glow of the Christmas season.

* * *

Roy sighed deeply as he and his manager closed up shop for the night, and he could see that many of the other managers in the shopping mall were also closing up at the time. Of course, since Roy's manager was a woman, she'd have nothing major to say about the experience, but it had been so prolonged and intense for him that year, that he wanted to talk with somebody about it; somebody he could look towards to sympathize with his experiences. Roy was something very rare in any other area of the world; a man who genuinely wanted to talk about his emotions.

"It's like that every single year." one of the older managers said to another, who'd just joined on, "I won't ask you to get used to it, but at least you know what to expect now."

"It was... fantastic," the new manager; Gerald replied, "and horrible, and puzzling all at once. I can't explain it. It wasn't like anything else in the world."

"It always feels that way." Roy interrupted, drawing the attention of both managers, who seemed to understand what he meant quite well.

"Does it ever get easier?" Gerald asked.

"No." Roy replied, "It only gets harder, like an allergy."

"It's terrible... and wonderful..." Gerald said, truly not sure which, if either, it was.

The older manager, a man named Clive, frowned at that point, however, saying "I'm sure if you talk to most of the guys who work in this mall, you'll find they associate Christmas with emotional stress a lot of the time, and this is probably the biggest reason. It's not easy to keep a cool head when she comes around looking for gifts just before every Christmas."

"Maybe." Roy said, "No, you can't keep a cool head around her. I admit that, and I can't blame people for associating Christmas with stress when they have to do business with her every time, but... there's one other thing."

"Eh?" Clive asked, "What would that be?"

"Christmas may be a stressful season," Roy said, smiling, "But it's also a season of love; pure, untainted, undeniable love. That can be stressful, but it's worth it in the end. My wife and I have never been as happy as we are this time every year, when I come home, so full of true love that it comes out my ears."

For a moment, Clive and Gerald looked a little surprised by Roy's remark, but at last, Clive's crotchety frown faded, and a smile had replaced it.

"Yeah." he said, "Maybe you're right."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, some people may be satisfied by just thinking about love as an essential element of Christmas, but for some reason, that's not really doing it for me, and soon, I find that there's a growing emptiness in my own heart that I just can't seem to ditch. Who can I turn towards, to help me find an antidote for that emptiness? Can they explain to me the true spirit of Christmas, or is it something I need to find out on my own? I just hope I'll be okay as I search for answers to the question of Christmas on the next Minktales."


	80. Issue 80: The Christmas Question

Minktales

Issue 80

"The Christmas Question"

Minerva Mink found herself sitting alone in a restaurant. Guys stared at her from all around, even to the point of alienating their girlfriends and wives, most of whom probably understood that they couldn't help it, but for once, Minerva just didn't feel like basking in her unnatural sway over the men in her life, which probably made her seem like a more acceptable factor in the lives of the women in that place. However, that wasn't why Minerva had avoided responding to their gazes. Truthfully, she just couldn't. Christmas was fast approaching; the presents were wrapped and signed, the tree decorated, the house lights were up, and everything was ready. All that was left was the waiting, and soon that would be over too, but Minerva Mink just didn't know why anymore. She didn't understand the reason why all of it had to be done. Was it just to keep up friendships? Just based on societal customs? Just because it was expected? If the reason behind the Christmas rush was really so empty, it was no wonder that she felt so empty herself.

As she continued to sit in that one place, still not touching the soda she'd ordered, images flew through Minerva's mind of the things she'd first learned about Christmas as a little girl. Back then, she hadn't had her fantastic beauty, of course, and her family had never had all that much money to spare, so she'd had no lack of unsatisfied material desires and she'd always loved Christmas, when her father would bring a small tree into the log house and hang a few colorful baubles on it, then everyone would get gifts.

Minerva hadn't been sure where the gifts came from, although there were rumors of a "Santa Claus" who traveled with speed akin to that of a toon, and delivered gifts to everyone on Earth. That wasn't too hard for Minerva to believe, but was that the purpose of all the gift-giving? Just to follow a speedy old man's example? Even that rang a little hollow.

Then there was all the public and commercial avoidance of the word "Christmas." In recent years, Minerva Mink had found herself being wished a merry Christmas less and less, even when she went into stores wearing her Santa hat, which, while it wasn't a big issue, certainly didn't make her feel any better. In fact, it sort of felt as if something important was being hidden... but what?

Sighing sadly as she thought about those things, Minerva Mink got up, leaving the money for the untouched soda on the table and left the restaurant, not sure what to do next. Could she call Newt? What would she say? Bugs? Would it matter what she said to him? Would he be able to see her so sad? Brain was always nervous around her and he had a lot to worry about anyway, what with running the world and all. It didn't make a whole lot of sense, but in the end, Minerva realized that the only person she could really talk to was Pinky. He probably wouldn't understand her problem, but at least he'd be sure to try to cheer her up.

* * *

Sure enough, Pinky had tried his best to reign in his limited attention span as Minerva had talked to him. She'd wound up inviting him to her own home, and then he'd sat on the table while she'd sat in a chair right next to him, and the conversation had begun. For a while, it was a sort of one-sided conversation, and at first, Minerva thought that was because Pinky had very little to add, but when she finished describing her suspicions as much as she could, and the strange emptiness she'd been feeling, Pinky brightened up a little and replied to her.

"Alright. Now, here's what I do whenever I feel very, very sad, and just can't get over it with a narf or a poit. I just go for a walk in the dirt or the snow. Narf!"

"It HAS been a while since I took a walk." Minerva admitted with a sheepish grin, "Maybe that IS what I'm missing. Any suggestions for good places to take walks?"

"Yes!" Pinky replied, smiling with both eyes closed, "West Coastal City Center!"

"What?" Minerva asked amazed, "But West Coastal City is fifteen miles away! Do you mean I should drive all the way there, and...?"

However, as the question escaped Minerva's lips, she saw something in Pinky's face that she'd never seen before. For a moment, he'd started to look sad, so she looked a little closer, not sure she'd interpreted that expression right, and when she did, what she saw in those big, mousy eyes of his shocked her so much that she drew back in alarm, and Pinky was smiling cheerily again by the time she got another good look at him.

"Alright." Minerva said, "Alright. I'll just phone ahead for a place to stay while I'm there, and maybe a ride back later."

"Narf!" Pinky exclaimed, "Brilliant Minerva! I never would have thought of that."

* * *

Minerva Mink was dressed in her specially-made winter outfit as she headed out from her log house with a map, her new umbrella, her purse and a bag with lunch in it. She was almost totally certain she'd need them all, since she'd chosen, out of respect for her friend's apparent wishes, to make the trip without using any of her cartoon powers. At another time, Minerva might have thought that Pinky's idea was stupid and silly, and made no sense, but at the moment, lots of other things made so little sense to her, that she was ready to try just about anything if it would help her sort through things.

After walking through the snow in the direction of West Coastal City for about an hour, Minerva started to get hungry, and chose, in a rare exhibit of caution, to not have anything yet. After all, she still had a long ways to go.

Minerva kept walking for quite some distance more through the snow and woods. She pressed on for another half hour before she decided to have an apple, and then kept walking for another hour after that. That was when she started to lose track of time.

Every so often after that, Minerva would run across a landmark or something else she recognized on the path to West Coastal City. It wasn't hard to determine that she was definitely headed in the right direction, she just wasn't sure how long she'd been walking, or how much longer it would take her to get there, much less how long it would take to reach the city's center. To top it all off, Minerva's fingers and toes had gone numb about five minutes ago, and she could feel the oppressive cold starting to seize her arms and legs too, so she tried to move faster, moving all her joints as much as she could without activating any of her cartoon abilities, heedless of the fact that it was just making her hungrier.

Minerva Mink had no way of knowing how long she'd been walking when the lights began to appear. They were large, high-up, bright lights that shone in all directions, and Minerva began to recognize them as she moved. They were the lights of the West Coastal City. Trying her best to smile in triumph, despite the still-oppressive cold and the exhaustion in her whole body, Minerva trudged onward, watching the lights grow closer and closer, until she saw one large light in the center of them all, and realized that West Coastal City was, in fact, a smaller sort of city than the one she normally visited. Most of the buildings were much smaller, and the lights she'd noticed were mostly large, glowing star decorations, except for the particularly bright one in the center; her destination, which was the face of an enormous, back-lit clock, built into the front of the city hall.

About ready to let out a relieved sigh, Minerva rushed forward, towards the central building, trying to pull her cell out of her purse, but her fingers weren't behaving properly, which meant she'd need to get indoors and warm up somehow. As Minerva trudged up the steps toward the city hall building, however, she saw something out of the corner of her eye that caused even her immediate concerns to vanish in awe and amazement. It was a small, wooden, box-like structure with a pointed top like a five-foot-tall shed, lit from within by a single light bulb, and arranged inside that shed, from where she could see, were the figures of three men, dressed in rich-looking clothes, kneeling down as a glimmering, metal star hung before them. Minerva backed up just a little to get a better view of what else the men were looking at, and there she saw the loving faces of two parents, their arms held a distance away from the baby in the center of the setup. The baby lay, surrounded by straw, looking up at those surrounding it, not with curiosity, as most babies might display, but with an understanding and love beyond the simple level of knowledge it seemed to have.

Then, however, everything began to go all fuzzy, and Minerva fell forward, falling unconscious on the steps of city hall.

* * *

As Minerva fell through the dark, vague world of dreams that often accompanies unconsciousness, she could feel the doubts and fears within her changing and joining together, forming into new realizations and new visions. In the time she spent dreaming, however, those dreams were filled with disturbing images. An innocent baby pursued by jealous men who used their power to slaughter defenseless children, a boy whom his parents had found missing of at the age of twelve, but who, nonetheless, was never truly lost, a man wandering in the wilderness, crying out an urgent warning to others, many of whom would never heed it, and finally, the hard, sharp pain of metal driven through the hands and feet of a man innocent of all wrongdoing. Then, only a short time later, there was a tremendous cracking sound like thunder, and a blinding light, and from that light came a voice...

"Though man often seeks to obstruct what he does not understand, you understand this fully. It is the truest love of all that is the spirit of Christmas; the sacrifice made of one's own life for others. That is true love. That is true Christmas."

* * *

Minerva sat up in alarm and looked around. It was morning, and for a moment, Minerva wasn't sure where she was, until she heard a voice that she recognized; a voice she'd never expected to hear again.

"Well, I'm glad you decided to wake up. I was worried about you at first. I wasn't sure you'd even survive."

Then, the man stepped into Minerva's field of vision, and she realized who it was. He was a man who'd made a big impression on her not that long ago. She recognized his bright red hair, slender body, narrow cheekbones, strong chin and long, arched nose, and the look he gave her out of his dark eyes was one of genuine concern for her safety, and not a concern that he needed to have. It was a concern that came from within.

"Clayton?" Minerva asked, amazed, "Clayton Lawrence?"

"You remember me?" Clayton asked, "I'm surprised."

"Well, it hasn't been that long." Minerva said, smiling.

"Still, you must meet so many men..." Clayton replied, "With all of them falling at your feet all the time, one has to wonder how you could remember a simple guy like me."

"I guess I'm not heartless after all." Minerva said, her smile fading, "When I first met you, Clayton, I cared about you. You worried me, so I guess I didn't show it like I should have, but..."

Clayton just nodded briefly in reply.

"I thought you were angry at me..." Minerva muttered, but Clayton shook his head.

"I was, a little, but that was a long time ago. I'm well over that. You saved my life, and I'm very grateful for that."

Minerva thought, for a moment, about saying that they were even, but it was so calculating... so cold... It didn't seem like the right thing to say at all. Instead, when she opened her mouth, for the first time in years, Minerva understood what, precisely, she was saying as she told Clayton Lawrence, "Merry Christmas to you too, Clayton."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Wow. Now that I understand what Christmas is really all about, it'll be so much easier to get into the spirit on the next Minktales, when I meet Santa Claus himself. The big guy of the Christmas season is headed right for my home, and he wants to explain a few things to me. What will we talk about? Will we talk at all? I hope Santa knows what he's getting himself into... or does he know me almost as well as I do? I hope to see you then when I find out all about Santa Claus."


	81. Issue 81: I Saw Minerva Kissing

Minktales

Issue 81

"I Saw Minerva Kissing Santa Claus"

Minerva Mink smiled as she lit up the tree and the lights outside on the roof. She had a heating pipe, rather than a chimney in her log house, but that was alright. Santa Claus had his ways of getting in.

Of course, Minerva definitely felt better about believing in Santa Claus after her latest revelation, even though she suspected that Santa was, in fact, just another in a long line of Christmas traditions that really didn't do much to express the true spirit of Christmas on their own. Still, when one used Santa, the tree, the lights, the food and all the other Christmas traditions to express the true spirit of Christmas, rather than disguising it, it was so much easier to appreciate them.

Minerva had a collection of about three gifts to herself under the tree. If her relatives or friends chose to give her anything as well, that was fine, but she wasn't expecting it, or really, looking forward to it as much as handing out the larger pile of gifts lying on the other side of the room. Those were for the people she knew, and Minerva suspected that every last one would be a joy to give, just because she knew how much her friends would love them. Besides, in a strange sort of way, she enjoyed giving things to people anyways.

At last, Minerva left a small cookie plate on a table next to the Christmas tree and turned off all the non-decorative lights as she put on her pajamas and lay down in bed, pulling the sheets up over her shoulders.

The problem was, she couldn't get to sleep.

She tossed and turned for almost half an hour, but for some reason, she just couldn't seem to settle down. It wasn't discontentment. She'd settled that already. It wasn't something she'd eaten. Physically, she was feeling fine, and yet, something was keeping her awake; some strange, unidentifiable sensation that clawed at her from within, refusing to let her get the rest that, inevitably, she was going to need for the following day. Minerva tried shifting this way and that in bed, laying still, and even turning around and trying to fall asleep with her feet on her pillows, but it made no difference. She was still awake, and it was probably just as well, because before long, Minerva Mink heard the sound of the plate she'd put down being picked up.

"Uh-oh." Minerva thought silently with a broad, mischievous smile, "Some poor burglar picked the wrong house. Guess I'll have to teach him a little something."

However, as soon as Minerva Mink emerged from her bedroom, her charm turned all the way up, and still dressed in her pajamas, she froze in alarm and surprise, and really, in joy, because the person standing there had been about the last one she'd been expecting to see, even given what night it was. There was no mistaking the long, white beard, bright red suit, tiny spectacles and the hat he wore on his head.

"S-Santa Claus?" Minerva asked in amazement as the surprisingly tall man turned to face her with a smile on his face, but not an obsessed one, or an amorous one. Somehow, in some way, Santa Claus was immune to Minerva's power.

"Oh!" Santa said, still smiling, "Good timing. Thank you for the cookies, by the way. It's a traditional enough gift, but I don't mark people down for not being original. It's the spirit behind the gift that counts."

"Wow!" Minerva exclaimed, grinning broadly, "I... I didn't expect to see you!"

"You mean because I tend to be elusive?" Santa asked, facing her directly, "Well, yes. I suppose that may surprise you a little. But we both know that this year is not like other years, I'm sure."

"You mean the realization I came to..." Minerva said, amazed, "My revelation about the true spirit of Christmas."

"That's why I'm here." Santa replied, "The first people I visit on Christmas Eve night are those who have newborn hearts. Souls like yourself, who've recently come to understand the real meaning of Christmas."

"B-but how did you know about that?" Minerva asked, amazed, "I didn't think I told anybody..."

"Oh, Minerva. Give me a bit of credit." Santa said, "I may not know everything, but I do know everyONE. That's been at the top of your heart for the last few days."

"That's another thing I'm a little confused by." Minerva continued, "I mean, you're a man, right?"

"Well, I'm certainly not a woman." Santa replied, grinning from ear to ear, "The long, white beard wasn't enough of a clue?"

"Yet you're not falling all over me like most guys do." Minerva said, a little worried by what his answer might be.

"You know, Minerva," Santa said, his smile becoming just a bit less noticeable, "If you'd asked me that question last year, you'd never have understood the answer, because to understand that answer, you need to know what the true meaning of Christmas is."

"You mean true love. Self sacrifice." Minerva replied.

"That's right." Santa replied, his smile broadening again, "Self sacrifice and generosity. That's what real love is, and that's the true spirit of Christmas. I draw my strength from that very thing, and I can certainly keep myself from falling in love if I wish, no matter what kind of opposition I run into along the way."

"So why did you come to me?" Minerva asked, filled with joy and childlike wonderment.

"Well, for one thing, I wanted to congratulate you on the revelation you've had." Santa said, grinning, "Far too few people ever realize that. Well done."

"Gee." Minerva replied, feeling a little shy for once, "Thank you."

Then, gathering up her nerve again, Minerva decided to ask a few questions of that legendary figure.

"Actually, as long as you're here, there's a couple of things I'm a little confused by." Minerva said, "For one thing, I see your face so many places, advertising so many things..."

"I never see a cent from any of those advertisements." Santa replied, his expression turning just a little grave.

"You really ought to sue." Minerva advised him, but he shook his head.

"What good would that do, Minerva? I don't want their money. I just want them to feel true love in their hearts. I guess in that way, you and I are something alike."

"Yeah..." Minerva replied, just a little surprised she hadn't considered that before, "Do you really have to visit everyone in the world in one night?"

"No." Santa replied, "Only those who accept me into their homes. Some people don't celebrate Christmas, and others simply don't like the idea of opening themselves to love and generosity. I suppose it can be a little frightening. As I'm sure you of all people have noticed, love can make people do silly and irrational things sometimes. Losing that carefully-guarded control can be a scary thing for people who've never felt the rewards it brings, and in that way, it seems you're my ally."

Then Santa went back to rummaging through his sack, and soon, he'd pulled an orange and some candy out, and thrown it into a stocking, then laid it on Minerva's love seat with a smile, but before he could get to anything else, Minerva asked him another question.

"How did you get in here exactly? There's no chimney at all. I know because I was worried about that just a little earlier."

"Well, contrary to popular belief, I don't HAVE to come in through a chimney." Santa replied as he pulled something new from his bag, "I used to do that rather often, because it was a traditional kind of opening in houses, but if need be, I can reach people's houses from the love they feel for their friends, and the pure love their friends have for them. It's hard to explain, but it's a very quick way to travel. Especially the way I do it."

"I wonder if I could do that." Minerva said aloud, at which Santa laughed his well-known laugh.

"Ho ho ho ho ho! No, you're not quite there yet, I'm afraid, and at this point, it's an ability I can't just give to you. However, there is something I can give you right here and now."

As he said that, Santa produced from his sack a small present wrapped in paper with a tiny box inside, and a bow on top. Whatever was in the box rattled around when Minerva shook it, so she looked at Santa pleadingly, but he just shook his head.

"You have to wait for Christmas morning." he said, "I'm sorry. Tradition. Still, I suspect you'll have an easier time getting to sleep once I leave."

However, before he could do any of that leaving he was talking about, Minerva grabbed Santa Claus and kissed him right on the lips. She kissed him harder, and harder and harder, until she was in the middle of what she sometimes called her "wonder kiss," although "killer kiss" might have been a better term for it, but Santa wasn't showing any signs of buckling or losing consciousness, or even getting any warmer as he rested his left forefinger on the edge of his nose, and Minerva found herself kissing thin air.

* * *

The next morning, Minerva Mink woke up early, and rushed back to the tree, where she'd placed the present that Santa had given her, tearing open the paper to find a note attached to the top of the tiny box. The note merely read "Just a little something to help you remember the important discovery you made. Merry Christmas back to you again a hundredfold, from Santa."

Minerva quickly opened the box and smiled in delight, because the tiny clay figure of the baby in a manger that she found therein would definitely help her remember.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, I've had visitors before; even accidental visitors, but on the next Minktales, the accidental visitors I'm going to have will be a group of hikers who apparently decided to hike together in the woods for warmth and exercise. Inevitably, they got lost and wound up searching for a light... any light to indicate the presence of civilization, but the light they find may not be what they're searching for, but a radiance much better than they could imagine. That's all next issue, so I'll see you all then."


	82. Issue 82: Snowy Woods Glow

Minktales

Issue 82

"Snowy Woods Glow"

It hadn't taken long for the day hike proposed by David Kalido to become a night hike, not because anybody really wanted to keep on hiking, but because they weren't really sure where they were or how they'd gotten there.

"This is all your fault, David." Bernard Sherry complained as the group hiked, "If it weren't for you, we'd have been out of these woods hours ago, but here we are, probably miles from the closest main road, and we might have to keep walking for even more hours before we can even find a place to eat, much less directions back home."

"We don't need more hours, and we don't need directions." David insisted, frustrated, "We just have to keep walking in a straight line until we get back out of the woods. Then I'm sure we'll be right back at the van."

"Well, I'm sure we won't be there!" Sam Thomson replied, "By the time we get out of these woods, we'll be lucky if we wind up in northern Antarctica."

"There's no land bridge to northern Antarctica." David replied, trying to deflect the legitimate, if disguised complaint.

"With you leading the expedition, any kind of stupid mistake is possible." Sam said again, "If its trouble and I can imagine it, you can get us into it."

"Well, if you really feel that way, maybe you should follow your own little compass out of the woods." David exclaimed.

"Fine!" Sam and Bernard both exclaimed at once, and the three men might have split up then and there. They were cold, they were tired, they were hungry and they were deeply, deeply frustrated with one another, to the point of not believing that anything could repair the damaged emotions that each of them was feeling, and yet, as sometimes happens in those instances, fate intervened, and they soon found that their broken, damaged emotional states were much forgotten. There was a light in the snowy woods. It spread into the air from a surface on the ground. None of them could be sure what kind of surface, however. It was as if the floor of the woods itself was casting the northern lights into their field of vision.

"W-what do you think it could be?" Bernard asked, amazed by the sight, but David replied quickly.

"Probably nothing. Just somebody's pool lights on."

"A pool isn't nothing at this time of year." Sam objected, "I say we take a better look. Besides, at least it's civilization, right?"

Bernard nodded in reply to that. David didn't, though, nursing his wounded pride.

The three men continued to walk for almost fifteen more minutes before Sam, who had advanced to the lead from simple proactive-ness, discovered that the light was, in fact, not coming from the ground level at all. It was a light coming from elsewhere, being reflected off the surface of a pond, but although the pond was still quite some ways off, unbelievably, it still looked wet.

"That's impossible." David muttered, shivering as he spoke, "Nothing can stay wet out here. It's below freezing. I mean, it'd have to be an act of God for a pond to still be wet in the middle of this..."

However, that was when all three men fell silent, because they'd seen something in the woods; something that diverted their eyes from even the unbelievable wonder of the flowing pond in winter; a sight that gave off a radiance of its own, which could be easily mistaken for light. A radiance which, indeed, everyone but Sam believed must be a sort of holy light at first, because it conveyed to them the great passion and strength of heart that is normally reserved for the angels themselves.

Long, white legs stepped slowly, with gradual, deliberate motions, through the snow. Slender, white arms swung back and forth listlessly as the creature moved, and golden hair flowed from what must have been the being's head, as well as trailing behind it like a tail. From every single point on it came the radiance that washed over all three, though the being was still over two dozen yards away through the woods. All three men saw the figure in the woods; a sparkling white dress to match the snow at her feet, starting at her shoulders, then going down to her hips, then just over halfway down to her knees, before stopping, and... White fur again... She was such a brilliant, immaculate vision.

All three watched, transfixed as the being before them turned slowly to face them, as if being in the center of such a blinding radiance had made her perpetually calm about her every action, and she smiled brightly upon them with her perfect, divine lips.

Soon the vision was walking away from them again, and the three men, enchanted by the glimpse they'd caught of her, had to follow. Not because they had no choice, but because they were so fascinated and amazed by what they'd just seen and felt. They couldn't turn away.

In only a short time, the figure in the snowy woods had emerged from behind another tree, and once again, the mighty radiance washed over all those who watched, bathing them in its captivating light, filling them with great inner strength. Filled with so powerful a sensation of soul and will, Sam realized, he could hike for months, or even years and never feel frustrated or worried by the needs of the body. In a way, that bore its own concerns. Could he keep walking and walking until his body failed him, and he starved, or died of thirst, or froze, just because that creature was there? Was it right for such a will to exist, or was there something more to it than that? Was is just that some need was being fulfilled to him, that hadn't been fulfilled in months or years; perhaps even in his lifetime? Could it be that it was a need more important than simple things like food and drink; a need that transcended even the finality of death itself?

David shivered, but for the first time in hours, it wasn't from the cold. He felt haunted and halfway possessed by the vision that led them onward, through the woods, towards the far end of the pond, where the water fed into another, smaller pond, which led to more woods, and what looked like a huge log, made into a house, with doors and windows. David was terrified by that creature's strange magic, and its seeming desire to lead them further onward, into its very lair. He vaguely recalled the ancient Greek stories of the sirens, who drew sailors to them with their heavenly song, then the sailors were never heard from again. A terrifying prospect; to wind up just disappearing, and in all that snow, surrounded by nature, no one would have been the wiser. Yet, he continued onward, following the vision in that silent procession.

Bernard was known to have been a bit cowardly, even by his friends, but for the first time in perhaps his entire life, he and David had found themselves in a situation where David seemed terrified, but for some reason, Bernard was completely at peace. He felt as if warm, soft, loving arms had surrounded him, cooing to him that it was alright; the nightmare was over, and he was safe once more, protected and comforted from all sides like he hadn't been since he was just a little baby. Bernard tried to shake the feelings from his head once or twice, but they were still there; feelings of motherly care and security that he'd never stopped pining over the loss of, on some level, since he'd been in school. He felt so silly; a grown man still thinking that way, but he couldn't stop the feelings as the beautiful creature halted just outside the door of the log house and opened it, casting a beam of light onto the snow.

"Would you boys like some hot cocoa?" The figure asked, the first words she'd spoken to them since the long trek had started, "Maybe some warm beef? You look half frozen."

David and Sam found the strength to nod. Bernard could only keep staring at the beautiful vision in longing.

"Well, come on inside and let me see what I can dig up." the strange creature replied, "You've probably figured this out by now, but my name is Minerva. Maybe in a minute, when you boys are finished, I'll show you some maps, and you can point out where you came from. I'd ask you to tell me, but some guys have a tough time doing that."

Minerva spoke those words with such friendliness and kindness in her voice, that as she led them into her house for cocoa and beef, all three men felt, for a time, as if they were completely at peace. Whatever fate would come of it, Minerva Mink had found them in the woods, and their destiny was in her hands. No longer with a real choice of their own, the three men felt liberated from the burdensome responsibility of choosing, and surrounded by such gentleness and goodwill, how could anyone feel threatened? That was how things stood when the door closed behind them, and the happiest night of their lives began.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "I'm glad those guys stopped by for a bite. They were so well-behaved, and afterwards, I drove them back to their van. I think most guys are like that, or at least, they are when I'm around. Anyways, next time there's a new problem; with all this snow out, an abominable snowman is on the loose, and he's been destroying all kinds of things in rage, but when a nice, big reward is offered for his capture, and I join in the hunt, will I be able to find him before the others do? Will it make that much difference in the end? I hope you'll keep watching for my next big adventure!"


	83. Issue 83: Missing Link Mink

Minktales

Issue 83

"Missing Link Mink"

Minerva Mink hummed happily to herself as she dug out the toast and apple slices she was planning to use for breakfast, then spread them out on a plate with a small amount of tuna and brought the plate to the table. It was a typical morning, so far, for Minerva Mink.

However, Minerva was destined to get a big surprise when she cast her hair back out of her face in a lovely swoop of her head, so that she could read the paper. There on page one was a small disclaimer in one corner of the page, stating "reward offered for capture of Yeti."

Fascinated, Minerva turned to the appropriate page indicated in the paper, throwing her hair back again as she did so, and found the article in question.

* * *

"According to several eyewitnesses, that missing link in the mystery of human evolution; the yeti has been discovered. However, it has proven to be not only alive, but very much angry about something. One chimney and six garages had been utterly demolished by the beast since it first emerged and a substantial reward has been offered by three of the victims for the capture of this beast. If it is captured, this magnificent and unique creature will be donated to the local research institute, where it will be thoroughly studied and placed in a wildlife preserve for its own security."

* * *

"Well, if it's causing this kind of damage, it must be pretty secure already." Minerva reasoned, but continued reading.

* * *

"The capture of this majestic creature will also help to ensure the security of our fine citizens..."

* * *

"Ah. Here we go." Minerva muttered with a smile as she finished her toast. The other shoe had dropped.

"Well," Minerva said after her breakfast was finished, "that's absolutely terrifying. Right in this area too. Gee..."

Minerva hadn't registered genuine concern over a threat since her encounter with Murray, and it felt a little strange to be doing so over something as historically-mythical as a bigfoot. Still, he was right in her very town, which meant that something had to be done, and if he was as strong as she'd heard, she might be the only chance of capturing him. Frightening though it was, she had a responsibility to her town, her fan base, and really, to herself, to have courage and face that new threat, no matter how dangerous it was.

"Alright." Minerva decided aloud, "It'll be exciting anyway, and I may even earn a little money in the process. What've I got to lose?"

So, Minerva Mink grabbed her winter gear and headed outside, strolling off through the woods on her next big adventure.

* * *

Pretty soon, Minerva Mink was outside in the snow, near the location where, apparently, the yeti had most frequently been sighted, and sure enough, she wasn't the only one after that reward. Hunters, both human and toon had made the scene, and Minerva recognized Elmer Fudd and Clayton right off the bat, but one of them she recognized as more than just another cartoon hunter.

"Newt!" Minerva exclaimed in surprise, "What are you doing out here?"

Newt, it seemed, hadn't brought his protective glasses, and he tried to explain himself with a series of half-words to Minerva.

"You see, I'm he... um... k-kinda an exp-p-pert on hunt-uh... w-wanted to help with..."

"I get it." Minerva said, smiling in the friendliest way, "Actually, that's a pretty good idea. Maybe we can look for him together. What do you think of that idea?"

That time, there was no stuttering.

"It's the only thing I want in my life, my sweet!"

"Great, great!" Minerva replied, still smiling as she moved forward into the wilderness, "Now, it stands to reason that the yeti doesn't live too close to civilization, but we need to know where, in the wild, he lives."

"T-tracks." Newt muttered, and Minerva seemed to get the idea, looking around in the snow for tracks that lead away from the most recent damage caused by the beast. Soon, Minerva had found some tracks, but it was Newt's expertise, as he continually insisted on looking away from Minerva, that informed her of which direction the tracks were traveling in.

* * *

Newt and Minerva continued to follow the tracks away from the other hunters in another direction, traveling over snowy fields and up a large hillside, to a cave made of rock. There, the tracks ended, and Newt was left with a quandary. He wanted the reward money, to be sure, but he was still quite afraid of the yeti, and yet, he couldn't leave. Not with Minerva there. It wasn't that he was more afraid of Minerva than he was of the yeti, but some things are stronger than fear. Newt stood perfectly still as Minerva advanced towards the cave and pretty soon, he was following behind her.

When a horrifying roar came from the cave, Newt took it as a clue that the yeti had noticed them, probably by smell. Rushing forward bravely, Newt stood before the cave entrance and drew out a very large trapping mechanism, in the form of a gun that fired weighted ropes. Pretty soon, though, the creature emerged from the cave with a vicious snarl, and Newt started firing madly, soon covering the yeti in ropes, however, in only a moment more, the ropes snapped, and Newt was a pancake on the ground, next to his equally-flat weapon.

"Newt!" Minerva exclaimed, horrified, then turning to the yeti, she shouted angrily at it, "You brute! You could have just knocked the weapon out of his hands, you know. You're a bad monster! A bad, bad monster!"

However, as Minerva Mink scolded the yeti in that way, a change seemed to come over it. Where once there had been simply ferocious rage and the pride of a fighter, humility and sadness seemed to pass across its furry face, and where once it had towered threateningly above them, its shoulders had begun to droop, and its knees to bend, as though all that mattered to it in the world were Minerva's words. It was very much a broken creature, thanks to her.

For a moment, Minerva relented in her scolding as she grabbed Newt from the ground and shook him out like a towel, causing him to resume his previous shape, but the yeti still looked helpless and miserable, and Minerva felt that it wouldn't be right to leave him so badly lost and alone.

"Are you alright?" Minerva asked, and the yeti immediately burst into tears. Minerva had to admit that even considering the trouble the creature had given them, it was hard not to take pity on it in some manner, so she carefully patted it on the back with her left mitten and asked, "You can understand what I'm saying, can't you?"

The yeti nodded briefly.

"But I'll bet you can't speak our language yourself..." Minerva said, more to herself than to the yeti, "Well, don't feel too bad. I'm sure you're not such a bad monster. You're just upset that you're the only one of your kind, right?"

The yeti gave another brief nod.

"Well, just because you can't find a girl yeti, or whatever doesn't mean there's nobody around that's worth talking to. I'll bet if you just gave people a chance, some of them would treat you respectfully. Have you ever tried talking?"

The yeti opened its mouth, and it actually did a pretty good job of trying to talk. Its lip motions were right on target, but its vocal chords were too large, so its words came out in far too deep a pitch to really be understood. Minerva looked a little sad.

"You know what might help you?" Minerva asked, "Learning to write. Why, I'll bet with a little effort you could write people letters to let them know that you're just as smart as they are."

The yeti seemed to be cheered up by that, and gestured happily in some archaic form of communication that Minerva wasn't familiar with, as Newt recovered his senses and approached.

"So you're teaching him to write, now?" Newt asked.

"Why not?" Minerva asked back.

"Well, for one thing, how are we supposed to get the reward if we don't bring him back?" Newt asked.

"Oh, we'll bring him back, but we'll bring him back as a useful member of society." Minerva said with a smile, "If the question of previous damages ever comes up, I think I can afford to settle that with my own checkbook."

* * *

Two weeks later, Minerva smiled as she sifted through her mail to find one that was from "Yetty Penfoot." She smiled. It was the name that her new friend had chosen for himself, and she was very pleased by what it said.

* * *

"Dear Minerva..."

"I thank you for your kindness and support. I thank you very much for helping me to recover from my feelings of inferiority to man. Informing me that I am not alone in not understanding the workings of all human devices was a step in the right direction. As of last week, three separate publishers have been pushing for the rights to print my book, and I feel very much redeemed, but none of this would have been possible without you. Though I still sometimes long for another of my kind, I fear I could still not love them as I do you, for you gave me all I now have. Greatly and forever in your debt, Yetty Penfoot."

* * *

As Minerva put the letter down on her kitchen counter, she smiled. Perhaps, then, Yetty truly had been a man of sorts, regardless of how he'd been born. A man, Minerva reasoned, was a man, after all.

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Well, it's always fun to make new friends, but on the next Minktales, another friend of mine seems to have sent me a present which, try as I might, I can't seem to open. There's a label telling me not to open it until New Year's, but what could the gift be, and why do I have to wait? Will I be able to open it when the time comes, and how? What kind of strange technology could create such a gift, and what kind of friend would do this to me? I hope you'll stay tuned for the next Minktales, because I can't take the suspense!"


	84. Issue 84: The Last Gift of Last Year

Minktales

Issue 84

"The Last Gift of Last Year"

Minerva Mink smiled as she put her new family photograph on a bare bookshelf right next to her television and grinned at her reflection in it. She wasn't visible in the photograph, of course, but only because she was all covered by a hood and cloak. Thanks to that, though, all of her other relatives seemed emotionally-stable in the picture, which wouldn't have been possible if they'd been able to see her. Even the young ones seemed to have forgotten her true appearance (at least for the time being) and were smiling for the camera. It was a picture of a family moment, just as if Minerva and her family were plain, ordinary toons, or even almost human-like. Minerva liked the sight of the thing even more, every time she saw it. It gave her a feeling of belonging and importance that she'd always sort of just ignored the longing for in the past. It wasn't like a mirror, but in its own way, it was beautiful.

Grinning, Minerva slipped on her winter boots, her coat and mittens, and her earmuffs, and stepped outside, but although she was quite prepared to walk right through piles of snow, Minerva Mink still nearly tripped as she stepped out the door, because there was a pretty little present resting in the snow at her feet.

Smiling in surprise and delight, Minerva picked up the present in both hands and looked it over. It was a box-shaped gift with a big, red ribbon, and a bow on top. Underneath that was bright blue wrapping paper with little white clouds all over it to make it look like the sky. It was certainly a very lovely-looking thing, except for one thing. There was a little tag on it reading "Do not open until New Years Day."

"Forget that!" Minerva replied loudly to the tag, "Whatever it is, I'll enjoy it as much now as I will on New Years."

Swiftly tossing aside the tag, Minerva carefully slid off the ribbon and went at the wrapping paper...

However, as hard as she pulled at that wrapping paper, it just wouldn't come apart! Minerva yanked and tugged and scratched at it with her carefully-colored fingernails, but the paper refused to budge or tear even in the slightest.

"I'm not going to be beaten by some present." Minerva decided with determination, "I'm going to get some scissors."

Quickly, Minerva marched off, and had come back only a moment later with a large tool box. Opening it, she rapidly retrieved a pair of shiny metal scissors and started trying to find an edge to cut from, only to find that there wasn't one!

"But that's impossible!" Minerva exclaimed as she looked all across the present, "The wrapping paper has to have an edge! I mean, someone wrapped the package, right?"

Unfortunately, the package showed no sign, when she examined it more closely, of having ever been wrapped by human hands. The thought crossed her mind, for a moment, that it might be a bomb, but no. That package was sealed much too well. If someone wanted to bomb her, they would have made the package easy to open, and what was the importance of waiting until New Year's? It made no sense.

However, Minerva was still determined to beat the present somehow, so she went at every surface of the wrapping paper with the scissors and came out of it with a very bent pair of scissors and little else. Irked by the gift's defiance, Minerva began to dig further into her tool kit and swiftly removed a hacksaw, however, inside of five minutes, it too had been bent into an unrecognizable shape.

Soon, Minerva was pulling the chord on a chainsaw and attacking the gift from the left, which led to a snapped chain, and then she was attacking it with a jackhammer from the right, which caused the device to eventually implode, and led to a rather large hole in the middle of her living room floor. Minerva even tried blasting it to bits by placing bombs of various sizes and intensities into a garbage can with it, but every last time, the present came back out smelling like a rose, and looking every bit as shiny and untouched as before.

"This totally stinks!" Minerva exclaimed, tossing the present to the ground and stomping on it in vain, "Presents should be more like guys, and just do whatever you tell them. Whoever sent me this either just wants to get me mad, or else doesn't like the idea of anybody ever opening their presents... Then again, I guess I could probably make a pretty penny off selling it to NASA to use as shielding... Unless it opens on New Year's. That'd be terrible, to have a shield failure on New Year's Day... Hmmm..."

Minerva thought about that for a while, but eventually came to an important decision.

"Alright." she thought, "If this box doesn't open by midnight on New Year's, I really AM selling it to NASA. At least that way I can afford to buy a little something for myself."

Then, Minerva left the impregnable present in a corner and forgot about it.

* * *

Time passed, and things happened, then sooner or later, New Year's Eve rolled around, and as Minerva was headed out to party with her friends, she suddenly remembered the present, picked it up, and threw it into the back seat of her car, along with her many party horns and hats.

Of course, Minerva was definitely one of the richest people in the world when it came to the numbers, but she'd never really wanted to have a party at her log house because her place wasn't really all that big. Minerva's log house was quite sufficient for her own personal needs, and it had once been used to house two other people; her parents, when she'd been younger, but for a big party, it was much too simple and too small. Minerva, of course, didn't really care about having a really fancy place to live. She was fine with her ordinary log house by the pond, no matter what others thought, but for special occasions, it was easier to rent a hall, and when one of Minerva's friends just happened to own one of the largest buildings on Earth, that worked too.

* * *

Within about fifteen minutes of leaving her house, Minerva Mink had pulled up to the colossal Acme Labs, which bore some resemblance, in the modern day, to a massive glass and iron castle, with tubes leading from one section of the lab to another. It was definitely more than big enough, considering that it was mostly going to be a party with Minerva, her friends, and theirs. That still amounted to just over a hundred toons and about a dozen humans, though, which was something that could get out of hand really fast without the world's greatest leader and scientist ready at a moment's notice to step in. Minerva trusted the Brain very much, and she trusted Pinky even more, in a way. That New Year's Eve, she knew, was going to be a very good time.

* * *

Minerva had a blast at the Acme Labs New Year's Party that night. She got the chance to talk with some of her best friends, catch up with more than one boyfriend, past and present, and perhaps most importantly, serve as a paralyzing agent for the many party crashers who inevitably showed up. Minerva always found it fun; rendering poor, unsuspecting guys unconscious, and she was having so much fun at that party that the time flew by, and before she knew it, the ten-count to the new year had started.

By the time the number nine had been reached, Minerva had begun to think that there was something she was forgetting that was very important, but they'd gotten to the number seven before she realized what it was, and rushed out to her car. Minerva had gotten to her car outside, when she heard the others inside shouting "two," and quickly yanked the present out of her car's back seat at the last second, feeling it tremble under her grip. Just like that, the wrapping paper fell away, revealing a box made of some kind of metal that was both light and immensely strong. Minerva had never seen anything like it, but she dropped it in alarm, when whole sections of the metal began shifting into new positions on the box, then those also divided and shifted into another new configuration.

In moments, the box had transformed into what looked like a small ray gun perched on a tripod, and Minerva was definitely ready to make a run for it, but, to her delight and amazement, when the device activated, it didn't fire a ray at all, or rather, not a destructive ray. The bizarre machine, instead, sent out a three-dimensional image that Minerva found herself quickly recognizing, but she dared not say a word, for fear of interrupting the large, green, slimy-looking image, as it spoke.

"My dearest Minerva Mink." the image said, "I regret that I couldn't attend your celebration of the new planetary revolution in your solar system, but our last encounter made of me a rather powerful leader, and I'm afraid I have many responsibilities that I can't simply ignore. I send you this message to let you know that I have not forgotten about you, and that I never could, no matter what else I see or encounter in this vast, endless universe of ours. You have helped to shape my destiny by both your gift and your example, and I will always be indebted to you. I only hope that this robotic gift that I send to you will adequately express my feelings for you, though I know that no gift truly can. Until our next encounter, good-bye."

Then, the image faded, and Minerva was left with a broad smile on her face as the robot resumed its box-shape, and Minerva happily tossed it back into her car. She might have known. Only Greel would have had both the technology and the social ineptitude to send a present that couldn't be opened until a certain time, but it was a wonderful gift, and more importantly, the spirit under which it had been given was everything that Minerva remembered most about Greel.

"What efficiency..." Minerva thought silently as she went back to the party, "and yet... what poetry."

The End

* * *

Minerva: "Life is an unending progression of events and situations. For some people, it's a largely unpleasant affair. For others, it's like a ride on a roller coaster, but for me, there are large events that shape my life and the lives of those around me, and on the next Minktales, it will be another big event in my life. My movie has been released, and almost every man with money will be going to see it, but what will it be about? Can I make a difference? Can I use the movie to help people? I may have to, because it may just be my last big chance to help others. My little roller coaster isn't coming to an end, but you may not hear about it right away after the next Minktales..."


	85. Issue 85: Unforbidden

Minktales

Issue 85

"Unforbidden"

It was easy to tell how Geraldine Hardy felt, because the look on her face and the change in her posture were unmistakable. She was very worried about her son. If Geraldine's husband Mark noticed that anything was wrong, he hid it well. He seemed worried that no words were being spoken between them as they ate dinner that night, but it wasn't a genuine worry for his son's mental health; just a sense that something wasn't quite right, and a desire to make the people in his own immediate line of sight more enjoyable to be around, on some level. It was a slight, unsubstantial, tiny version of what his son Ben was feeling.

"So anyway, I got put on a new project today at work." Mark said, interrupting Geraldine's train of thought, and making Ben want to tear his ears off, as he poked at his food, swishing the mashed potatoes this way and that across the plate with his fork, "There's a new guy on the team since the last time I took up a new project, but I'm pretty sure I can teach him the ropes and still get done on time. He says he tends to pick things up pretty quickly, which'll make my job easier. What did you do today, Geraldine?"

Geraldine wasn't sure it had been the best idea for Mark to ask her that, but since the question had been asked, she had little choice but to provide some kind of answer.

"I talked to two of my older friends today, and I got some more bread from the store." she said, "Nancy told me she was just sending her first little girl off to college, and Judy's just about to get married. Isn't that great?"

"Hey, isn't that something?" Mark said with a smile as he took a bite of the many cubes of roast beef that lay on his plate.

Ben muttered something, but neither parent heard it.

Geraldine, however, was looking at her son as her husband seemed satisfied by how the miniature conversation had gone. Ben Hardy was old enough to know better than to play with his food, and yet there he was, sculpting his mashed potatoes with his fork yet again. He was already eighteen years old, and he had a license, his first car, and from everything she'd heard from him, a few friends at school. He had light brown hair, and deep blue eyes, that looked like they should have sparkled like sapphires when he looked at you the right way, but they never, ever did. Ben's eyes were dull, lifeless and uninterested in virtually everything he did, because there was one thing he'd never found; one thing he still searched for, wherever he went.

"I'm full." Ben lied as he stood up and headed for the front door, fingering the car keys and wallet in his left pants pocket.

"W-will you be back late?" Geraldine asked, attempting to keep her son around for just a moment longer, but that wasn't going to happen.

Ben just aimed a "Maybe" in her direction and was out the front door speedily, getting into his car and heading down the driveway into the main road, then off as fast as he could safely go. It didn't matter to him where he went, as long as he got away from them. All the times they'd told him they loved him... all the times they might even have meant it, and yet they paid no heed to what he wanted for his life; what he was interested in. They only cared about their own little boring lives and their own little boring concerns. As Ben was thinking that way, however, it suddenly dawned on him that he was a little thirsty.

Ben saw several places he could potentially have stopped to get something to drink, but he wanted to get out of the car and sit down, so he eventually decided upon a small diner just a few blocks into the city. From the outside, the diner looked like it had been brought forward in time from fifty years ago, although of course, when one stepped inside, the same spirit of the modern age was evident there as well. People sat and ate, and occasionally traded words. Hardly anyone smiled. Ben felt, for a moment, that it might have been easier to just stay at home. Still, he headed up to the front and took a seat, unable to keep his own forlorn expression off his face, even when the guy behind the counter asked him what he was looking for.

"I don't know what I'm looking for." Ben muttered, "How about if you just let me have a soda for now?"

"What kind?" the guy asked, as heedless of Ben's feelings as everyone else.

"Any kind, as long as it's got caffeine, and no aftertaste."

"One coke then." the man behind the counter said, looking a little disappointed in Ben. Ben felt a little sorry for the guy, but at the moment, he was really more worried about himself, which, in a way, was the whole problem. Ben couldn't remember the last time he'd felt good enough to think about how others felt, much less bring it up in conversation. In school, Ben had gotten something of a reputation as a philanderer, but it wasn't true. He just found out very quickly whenever he dated someone that they didn't have that special something needed to jar him from his fixation on his own misery. Benjamin Hardy was looking for something. He just wasn't sure what.

One thing that Ben did on a regular basis (in fact, he tended to do it at least once every week,) was to close his eyes and pretend that he was in another world, where the people were nice and so was he. It was a world he was always sorry to wake up from, and a world that he deeply longed to find. It didn't even have to be a world; maybe a single city... even a tiny village, as long as it still had that great, powerful spirit of... well, he wasn't sure what it was, but it was better than being depressed all the time.

There are those who say that once in every three lifetimes or so, something very unusual happens, and that occasionally, people have trouble recognizing it because they mistake it for something that isn't so unusual; something that they can wrap their minds around. For a moment, Ben nearly fell into that trap, as he began to think that perhaps he'd drifted off into another of his fantasies while sitting there at the counter of the diner, but no, he was still in the diner. Why would he fantasize about the diner? It made no sense. Ben shook his head a little to clear the cobwebs, and discovered that he was, in fact, still sitting in the very same diner with a coke in front of him in a tall glass, but the most important thing of all had changed. He was starting to feel his depression and despair fading...

Ben couldn't explain it as he lifted the coke to his lips and started to drink slowly, the sharp bite of the soda shocking him even further into the assurance that he was, in fact, seeing something quite real. Someone had just emerged from the lady's room, and she was... Ben couldn't explain it. He could only see a few things about her clearly; her long, blond hair and bright red dress were clear and obvious as she walked to the front door, in what struck Ben as being a little like a strut. She always placed one foot directly in front of the other as she walked, and she seemed to hop slightly between steps as if skipping very, very slowly. Her arms were angled slightly to the sides at the elbows, seemingly to look like a more feminine type of posture. Over one shoulder hung a light red purse, and on her feet were matching high-heeled shoes. She was the strangest and most wonderful thing to happen to Ben in his entire life, because Ben had found true love. As he'd watched her head for the doorway out, his despair had faded, and when she left by the door, and he felt those dreadful feelings starting to creep up around him all over again, he knew that no matter what he had to do, no matter what he had to say, he could never, ever let her out of his sight again.

Quickly, Ben handed some money to the man at the counter, remarking "keep the change" and rushed out the door in pursuit of the magnificent woman. It took him a few seconds to catch up to her, but she was walking slowly enough that it was at least possible for him to do so.

"Miss!" he exclaimed, rushing to meet her as she slowed down in surprise and turned to face him, "I have to say something!"

"I'm sorry." she said, "Do I know you?"

Ben was shocked back to reality by her words. He'd been pondering such one-liners as "You make me feel weak when I look at you," or "I can't bare the thought of never seeing you again," but as true as each of them was, he didn't even know her name yet, and he dared not be so forward with someone he'd just met, especially someone like that lady, for fear of losing her. If there was such a thing as love at first sight, Ben was wrestling with it then.

"No..." Ben said at last, trying to sound as refined and impressive as he could, "We've never met, I'm afraid, but I just wanted to introduce myself if you're not in a hurry to be somewhere else... My name is Benjamin Hardy."

"Call me Minerva." the woman replied with a smile, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Benjamin."

"Would you..." Benjamin began, "Would you like something to eat?"

It had been the only thing he could think of, and Minerva looked sad when she replied, but not nearly as sad as Ben.

"I'm sorry." she said, "I just finished eating."

"Then can we go for a short drive or something?" he asked, trying desperately to keep her in his line of sight, "If you're not busy, I mean."

Minerva seemed to ponder the idea, rolling it over in her head for several seconds...

* * *

"So why not tell me all about yourself?" Minerva asked as they drove, "They say that everyone has a story to tell."

"Not everyone." Ben replied sadly, "I was born here, raised here by my parents, got my license, my first car, my first job... The biggest news I've had in my life so far has been..."

Ben had to fight with himself to keep from finishing that sentence the way he'd first thought it up, and at last amended it to "...recent."

"But that's so boring!" Minerva exclaimed, "You must have done something interesting in your life. Flown into space, ridden on an airplane, been on television, written a website... something..."

"Sorry." Ben replied, feeling that he was coming up a little shorthanded, "The only interesting thing I do is daydream."

"Ooh." Minerva said, gracing him once again with her beautiful smile, "That's interesting. What do you daydream about?"

It wasn't the sort of response that Ben had expected at all. Still, he replied to it.

"Well, I think a lot about angels and faeries, and about aliens and outer space." Ben admitted, "I try to imagine what the world would be like if it were full of people who wanted love and trust, instead of power."

"Have you ever had a girlfriend?" Minerva asked. Ben's heart leapt in his chest when she asked him that. It was among the most hopeful things she'd said.

"G-girlfriend?" Ben didn't know what to say, despite, or perhaps because of the exhilaration. Minerva was asking him if he'd ever had a girlfriend. Could he lie and tell her he'd never had a girlfriend before? Could he play for pity, or would that come across as incompetence? Of course, telling her he did have a girlfriend was out of the question, even if it had been true. It was sort of a shame. Ben had heard that all the best relationships began as friendships, but he could only think of one thing that he could say to Minerva that would even make him seem like her friend.

"I've had a few girlfriends at... at various times in the past," he admitted, "but at the moment, I don't have one."

"Why?" Minerva asked.

Oh, boy. He hadn't expected that one. Still, she just seemed a little curious, so he tried his best to reply...

"Well, I'm... not really sure. I guess there just wasn't much of a future for us... Each of us wanted something the other didn't have."

Minerva seemed to think about that for a short time, and opened her mouth as if to ask Ben what it was he really wanted, but she seemed to think better of it after only a moment and closed her mouth again, continuing their drive.

In the end, the drive had to come to a stop, but Minerva seemed almost as sad about that as Ben.

"Look..." she said, "You don't seem like such a bad guy, so if you call me up some other night, we could meet for dinner or something..."

As Minerva wrote down her phone number, Ben had to fight the urge to beg her to stay with him. As hard as it was outside her presence, he had to be careful. He didn't want to lose her for good.

* * *

Ben was feeling pretty liberated as he pulled into his parent's driveway on the left-hand side, to keep from blocking his father's car and rushed into the house, then upstairs into his room, and tried to draw a picture of Minerva with pencils. The problem was, he couldn't quite recall the shape of her nose or mouth, as if all the specifics of Minerva's appearance were being blocked from his memory somehow. It was stunning and terrifying all at once, so instead, he decided to tell his parents a little about what had happened; just not so much, that they could find some way of interfering in the incredible good fortune he'd just discovered.

* * *

For that first week, Ben was cautious, waiting two nights before calling Minerva for fear of scaring her away, but to his shock, when he did call, she told him that she'd been worried he'd never call her back. The next time Ben called her was the second night after that, and she sounded abnormally relieved by his call. After that, he called her every night, and she always seemed happy to hear from him, but for him, it went beyond happiness. The only time when he felt liberated from the mediocrity of his normal existence was when he was with her, and it was the only time that he could remember when he felt, for once, that life just might not be so bad after all.

After that first week, Ben and Minerva saw each other every night for two more weeks. Ben's father made some remark at one point in the morning before Ben headed off to school, that he might want to meet this young lady who'd made his son so much happier, but in Ben's eyes, introducing Minerva to his parents might just spoil everything. Minerva was unlike anything that Ben had ever encountered in his real, evident life, and placing her in the same room with the people who represented all the boring elements of his life just wouldn't have felt real. It would have shattered the illusion bitterly if Minerva turned out to be anything similar to his folks, although Ben was pretty sure she wasn't.

So, for those two weeks, Ben and Minerva had tremendous fun. He could barely believe what a wonderful time they were having as, each night, he'd go out to meet the one person in his life worth getting up in the morning for. Minerva was wonderful, gifted, savvy, and yet, not cynical. In fact, she sometimes came across as naive. In time, both caution and pretenses faded, and the two began to go on real dates, not just once in a while, but every single night, and even then, Ben was finding himself counting the minutes until he saw her next. At last, at the start of the fourth week since he'd first met Minerva, Ben got up to head out the door, only to find that his father was blocking the way.

"Ben." Mark Hardy said, "We need to talk about this."

"Dad!" Ben exclaimed, tired and worried already, and growing more tired the longer he spent in the boring man's presence, "Not now. I have to meet Minerva."

"You've been meeting with her every night for three weeks, and you still haven't introduced us." Mark replied, looking sternly at his nervous, impatient son, "What are you hiding?"

Ben looked around for some other way out, but his time with Minerva had changed him too much. He couldn't lie anymore.

"Dad, Minerva is the most fantastic, most beautiful person I've ever met." Ben said, "The truth is, I can't go twenty-four hours without being with her, and I'm almost sure she's the one for me."

"You mean you're considering marriage?" his father asked, worried and flabbergasted, "Already, and without introducing her to us?"

"Well, you might think she was a little weird..." Ben tried to squeeze in an excuse, "She's just so... so..."

Ben couldn't even say anymore. All he could do was sigh.

"No more of this." Mark said, his face turning very serious, "Ben, I want you to tell this young lady to come here and meet us tomorrow night if she wants to see you then. She can have dinner with us, and we can..."

"You'd never accept her, Dad." Ben said, "She's everything you aren't. She's exciting and thrilling. She's full of secrets, and she always skips the boring stuff. You'd never be able to get along with her."

"No more excuses, and no more insults!" Mark exclaimed, "You're NOT going to marry someone I've never met. I refuse to accept that!"

"That's not what I said!" Ben exclaimed back, "I said you wouldn't accept her! She's too different! She...! I'm getting out of here..."

Ben had been so upset, but then suddenly, he'd seemed to just calm down as he thought about Minerva, and how wonderful it would be to embrace her after having spent so long dwelling on the drab kind of existence that his parents knew. She was his chance to come up for air. He couldn't feel upset when he thought about that.

Mark had noticed the swift change in his son's face and attitude, and was so stunned by it, that he didn't try to stop Ben as he left the house, but he began, for once in his life, to feel something abnormal in his own heart as well. He was afraid that he was driving his son away, and for once, he was ready to blame himself for that.

* * *

Ben had made an appointment to meet Minerva at a local restaurant later that night to discuss longer-term plans for their relationship, among other things. She'd seemed a little worried when she'd spoken to him over the phone, but nevertheless, he didn't hesitate to park his car and take up his seat at the far end of the restaurant in a nice booth. The other customers paid very little attention to him as he sat there, telling the waitress when she showed up that he was waiting for someone, and he'd just have a salad while he waited.

Benjamin Hardy had been sitting in the booth, toying with his food for several minutes. Truthfully, he'd really had no intention of eating any, but he'd had to get something. His date was late in arriving, and he could only loiter for so long without ordering anything. Still, she was the woman he loved. He would have waited months for her.

Fortunately, though, he didn't have to wait months. As she arrived through the front door, the eyes of every man in the place, including the waiters and those already on dates, turned to face her and couldn't look away. She was the object of affection for the vast majority of the men who knew her, and the only person Ben felt he had ever really loved, or could love, from that point on.

She'd arrived in a long, pink dress that concealed the shape of her legs down to the ankles, and screamed 'look at me. I'm delicate," but being able to see her arms to up past the elbows, and of course, her face were plenty good enough. Ben could hardly control himself at the sight.

"I'm glad you're still here." Minerva said in slow, sultry tones, "I know I'm dreadfully late."

"I'd wait for you forever." Ben replied, meaning every word, and unable to look away from her large, deep eyes.

"For me?" Minerva asked, looking surprised, "Am I really so special?"

"You're all that's beautiful in the world, and the moon and stars," Ben replied, "all gathered into one single person. I could never love another woman, having been in love with you."

"I'm not so beautiful." Minerva muttered, "There are others. Why was it me you came to?"

"You drew me as no one ever has." Ben replied passionately, "I can't explain it. It's something that draws a person forward, and it's the only force stronger than gravity and time. You could draw me in like a black hole, I think, if you wanted to."

"I can't explain it either." Minerva replied, "Just kiss me and let's get out of here, away from... the eyes of others."

"There's nothi- There's nothing I want mo..." Ben stuttered, with the words catching in his throat, but soon, he and Minerva were kissing passionately as the many male inhabitants of the restaurant looked on in deep anxiety and jealousy.

At last, Minerva grabbed Ben and the two rushed from the restaurant into the street just outside; the salad that Ben had ordered being quickly paid for on the way out. Out there, it was the kind of night when people who are in love would, in the old days, look up into the stars and wish for a better life for themselves and their children, and it was the night when Minerva had chosen to join Ben in his car for another short drive, leaving hers in a church parking lot across from the restaurant.

* * *

As the evening wore on, Minerva and Ben spoke to each other less and less often. It wasn't that they didn't want to talk. They just couldn't be sure what to say to one another. All the truly romantic words had been used up already, including "let me help you." At last, Minerva was the one to speak.

"So this is what it means to be in love. Really and truly in love, without the draw to urge me on. I've never felt such a serene thing. Compared to that, my love might be considered brutish; all power and no artistry..."

"That's not true!" Ben exclaimed, struggling to keep from sounding too forceful himself, "Why you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met! I never want to leave you, ever again! There's no one in the world less brutish!"

Minerva looked very sad as she looked away from him again.

"But I've been keeping something from you." she said, "It's something I should have told you when we first met, but I was afraid you wouldn't like me if you knew..."

In all the time that Ben had known Minerva, there had been a haze over her specific features, such as her nose, her mouth, and her hands and feet. He couldn't even have told people what color her skin was; only that she was the most beautiful person he knew, which filled his heart with hope. At first, he'd thought the haze was some kind of way his mind had of protecting him from her, as if she was too beautiful to recall distinctly, or to be looked at directly, but that must not have been the case, as the haze surrounding Minerva had begun to fade for the first time as she spoke of the secret she'd been keeping...

Ben began to realize just then that the haze had, in fact, been her doing. Somehow, she'd placed it over herself to keep others from seeing who she really was, or rather what, because as the image of Minerva resolved itself before him, Ben could see that Minerva was covered in white fur, with a little snout like that of a fox, only smaller, which seemed to compose her nose and mouth. There was no mistaking Minerva for a human anymore, but what she was, Ben couldn't determine at all. He'd never seen anything like her before; some kind of strange, furry bipedal being that looked like a cross between a white otter and a person, apparently. It was new to Ben, and Ben was a person who normally loved anything new and abnormal. He was shocked, and alarmed and disconcerted. Minerva was strange, absurd, unnatural, alien, and...

And she was still the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. In fact, he realized, he was probably having an even harder time controlling his impulses to embrace her than before. Minerva Mink was unlike any mortal woman he'd ever met, and she was still absolutely perfect, whether she had fur, feathers or even scales. Benjamin couldn't stop himself from loving her.

Then, Minerva spoke again, hitting him with the real bombshell.

"The truth is, Benjamin, I didn't grow up around here. I was raised far away on a planet called Krissol. My people were the most social and loving people in the galaxy. Our lives were spent in closeness and joy to one another, and we developed glands in our bodies that influenced the parts of the brain responsible for love and acceptance, until none of us really sought anything but the kindness of one another. It made us peaceful and happy, and in time, we learned to control our abilities. Our bodies generate an energy that invokes the purest love from other creatures of the opposite sex."

"And you came to Earth... just to meet me?" Ben asked, amazed as his eyes sparkled with the stars in the sky, and the being from those stars that he was looking at.

"If my reasons were so passionate and romantic, I wouldn't feel so ashamed." Minerva said, keeping her gorgeous eyes tightly shut, "In fact, my people used to consider it forbidden to travel to other worlds, but I didn't have any choice. I came to Earth because I had nowhere else to go. Three weeks ago, all of Krissol was totally destroyed by a race called the Worlurs. All they know is hate for everything in the universe, and they want to destroy everyone who isn't willing to be their slaves, and support them in their conquest, and we could never do that! As far as I know, I'm the only one who managed to get away. They might even be headed here soon to finish me off."

Ben hesitated for a moment, but even knowing that Minerva might have signed the death warrant of his entire world, he couldn't bring himself to feel mad at her.

"I can't imagine any way I'd rather die, than in your arms." Ben finally said, "If I'd never met you, I'd have been better off dead."

"Do you mean that?" Minerva asked, amazed and delighted, "I mean, really?"

"With all my heart." Ben said, and then Minerva looked sad for a moment again. There was one more thing she needed to tell him.

"There's something else you don't know yet." Minerva said, "You may not like hearing it. You see, the first time I lured you towards me just outside of that restaurant with a love pulse, I wasn't really in love with you at first, but after that first night, I couldn't help myself anymore. I approached you the first time because..."

Minerva paused for a moment, not sure how to explain it, but eventually decided she'd better start at the beginning.

"The power of my people was useful for ensuring the prevalence of love in our star system," Minerva said, "but when it's used on life forms with a specific pattern of DNA, it can have other effects too. Among my people, we created that DNA artificially to channel our power through, giving the DNA unusual powers that we could then harness. That was the nature of all of our technology. Some powers were stronger than others, of course, but the mightiest one was DNA pattern thirty-seven, which, when it took our power, bent the universe around itself, traveling to a far distant place instantly without needing to pass through the intervening space. On this planet, it's called teleportation."

"Teleportation?" Ben asked, intrigued and confused. He'd heard of it, of course. Humans didn't have the technology to accomplish teleportation in any form, but...

"But what makes that so powerful?" Ben asked, perplexed, "I mean, just moving from one place to another one..."

"With teleportation, specially trained people could be moved into the very bases of the enemy, their spaceships, or even to their homeworld. Teleportation can also be used to visit stars and planets that are years away, and if it's used right, to move our enemies into prisons, and you have the DNA I was telling you about, Ben. That means that if you and I were to join forces, you could become one of the most powerful beings in the universe."

Ben's eyes widened as Minerva spoke, grabbing one of his hands as she focused her power into him, nearly driving him into a passionate frenzy. Before they could do any serious teleporting, he'd have to train himself to adapt to the rush of love that her powers created in him, so that he could at least think straight...

* * *

The Worlur commander was furious as he looked at the screen. The patch of powerful DNA had been moving around with horrible speed for too long. In the time it had taken his ship's sensors to recognize that, and head towards the tiny planet, realizing that the last Krissol inhabitant must be there, the being must have had weeks to practice with the use of its powers...

* * *

Invariably, the rest of the film consisted of scenes of Minerva and Ben dodging aliens as they struggled to use their power of teleportation to overcome their enemies and save the Earth, and the last scene of the movie was a scene of Ben and Minerva locked in a loving embrace as the fiery explosion of the alien mother ship filled the night sky.

At last, just before the credits rolled, the image of Minerva Mink appeared on the screen, and she looked pretty happy, but also a little sad.

"Hi." she said, "My name is Minerva Mink, and I guess you've just finished watching my movie, but there's something I wanted to talk about before we get to the ending credits that everybody always walks out during. I've been given, over the last few months, a social power greater than probably anybody on Earth, and I wanted to say that I'm just a little sick of hearing about people killing each other. It seems to me that all the problems in the world could be solved if we'd just focus on making choices out of true, self-giving love, instead of being so angry and selfish all the time. It might also help if people didn't try to tear one another down whenever they think other people are annoying or inconvenient, and if the world's nations were committed to helping the general welfare, instead of focusing on individuals. That way, nations can believe different things officially, each can be self-sufficient, and there can always be a chance for people to become more selfless. There's too many people out there who insist on forcing narcissistic, abusive dogma down other people's throats. When I see that, it makes me sad."

At last, Minerva finished up her speech, saying "I'm sure the Brain will be watching this, as well as all the other people he's been delegating authority to, but just because we all answer to the same guy doesn't mean we can't make good choices of our own free will, supported and loved by the people around us. That's my real talent, you know. I've always been loved, and I want more than anything for everybody else to feel that too. Thank you for listening, and although I'm sure it won't do any good to say this, please enjoy the credits."

Then the image of Minerva was gone.

* * *

In the ensuing three weeks, crime and violence worldwide dropped by nearly ninety percent as the Brain found his tasks of managing world resources and transportation becoming much easier. Minerva could feel a little threatening at times, but he was glad to have her on his side.

Just after the movie's initial release, reviews were published in papers all across the world by several well-known movie critics, and to Minerva's surprise, both male and female critics seemed to have enjoyed it on different levels, but there was one critic whose review she chose to post on her wall.

* * *

"'Unforbidden' is a sci-fi romance with some drama and wish fulfillment elements involved." the critic wrote, "However, describing it like that is roughly like calling Niagara a waterfall. It's certainly all of that, but you don't capture the spirit of seeing the thing yourself with a short description like that."

"Few indeed are the men in this world whose will is strong enough to resist Minerva Mink, the cartoon starlet who's made such a name for herself in cartoons, ads and promotions, and in the newspapers recently. This movie is, naturally, centered around her, and I'm pretty sure the audience will prefer it that way, but although no man will be able to ignore Minerva's deep, entrancing eyes, her flowing golden hair, or her lovely, pristine voice, I was most impressed by the fact that this movie is not just another chance to see Minerva on a larger screen."

"Minerva could easily have made money off a movie that was simply a longer version of one of her cartoon episodes, but she's chosen not to do that, portraying a person, in the movie, whose romantic effect upon those around her is normally less intense than her own. Considering that she plays an alien being in this movie, Minerva's role is remarkably down to Earth; a fantastic voyage into the world of two people in love, faced with adversity from all sides, but who win out in the end. If I were in the habit of making grandiose statements, I'd almost say that the story of this film could rival Romeo and Juliet in its romantic overtones, despite its much less tragic resolution."

"But even that wasn't enough for Minerva. As the movie ended, she tore down the fourth wall and spoke directly to the audience, sending us all a plea for peace and advice on how we might accomplish it. I have to say, that truly brought a tear to my eye. Minerva lacks eloquence in her patterns of speech, but no one can draw quite as much emotion out of men as she can."

"It's no idle prediction, nor is it a surprising one to say that Minerva Mink's 'Unforbidden' will go down in history as a classic. What I didn't expect to see was such kindness and selflessness amidst all that glitz, especially at this day in age. She seems like all she really wants is to help others of her own free will. Minerva Mink is a national treasure, and the people of planet Earth are fortunate to have her."

* * *

Minerva smiled as she read the framed review one last time, and then slipped lazily into her nightgown in preparation for bed. Her adventures weren't over, of course. From that point on, she knew, life was going to be the most wonderful adventure of all.

The End

* * *

Some final words on Minktales from SSJDKCREW;

Believe me; I don't put down my Minktales pen happily. There are two large reasons why I've had to stop writing about Minerva, both of which were set into motion by events beyond my control. Still, even if I don't write about her anymore, I can only hope that some part of what I've written will inspire others in an appreciation of Minerva's power, subtlety, grace and love.

I hope I've given her a happy enough ending to thank her for all she's done for me this past half year, and I know that I, for one, may find myself re-reading some of these stories when I have a moment, just for the refreshment they provided me with when I first wrote them. I've never heard of anyone writing a story about a love avatar like Minerva, but regardless, I now view her as an archetype, and I hope others will start to write more stories about this kind of unstoppable love.

Since Minktales is ending, I decided that this final issue should be longer to compensate, and, of course, it's also about Minerva's movie, which I've gotten requests for, and it was a good idea. Thank you all for reading. I hope you've enjoyed Minerva's exploits as much as I did.


End file.
